I've cheated

[BoyMom24]

I'm aware I'm going to get absolutely slated for this and I a million percent deserve it. It might be quite long so thank you if you stay with me.

I am not married, I have a long term partner of five years, we have a 2yo. He works full time, I am a SAHM mum for the time being though a qualified HCP. He provides financially for us and as far as he is concerned we have a very good relationship. However for the last 18 months or so I've been utterly miserable. He showsw absolutely no affection, no intimacy and lack of respect. He treats me like a maid, does nothing around the house or with childcare. No cooking, no cleaning, nothing. Yes he works full time but he says because he works he doesn't need to help out at home and "it's my job"..

We have not had proper sex for almost two years. He never instigates it with me, and if I instigate i get turned down so I stopped trying. Though he is happy to demand oral at anytime and if I refuse he kicks off. There is little affection and I just feel like he is disgusted by me although when I have asked him why we don't have a sexual relationship he doesn't really have an answer just says he can't be bothered, is tired etc I've convinced myself he is not attracted to me although when I have asked he is adamant that's not the reason. This jas left me feeling undesirable and just miserable and frustrated. Our relationship is very much he wears the trousers and I'm expected to just follow along for his wants and needs. He is a good man deep down and is a good dad when he actually does spend time with DS which is rare and I do love him very much, even after all this the thought of not having him in my life panics me.

Anyway, I have a friend/neighbour, I've known him for a while and weve always got on very well and became close friends, as far as I was concerned up until recently it was a very platonic friendship and we confided in each other over the years of our relationship woes and such and he has been in a similar position as me for quite some time.

The other day he made a comment to me about finding me attractive and always has and that I'm girlfriend material etc etc. we passed some flirtatious messages back and forth. The next day he knocked on door while partner was at work and was very forward with his thoughts and intentions, I originally declined his offer and off he went. Anyway he has been very persistent over the last couple days and a the long and short is that we ended up having sex with each other.

I feel absolutely disgusted and sick to my stomach about it and wracked with guilt. Yes we have our issues but I know that this would break my partners heart and he would be devastated and I know our relationship would be over. Other blocked GF is very paranoid and from what I hear is already suspicious of our friendship and I feel if she was to find out she would waste no time in telling my partner. Which in fairness I couldn't blame her. But now I'm absolutely panicking. I know what I've done is wrong and I can't believe I've actually done it. I always said I would never be that person who cheats but on the other hand it felt so good to be physically desired and wanted by someone and just be actually touched by some one in an intimate way after such a long time felt good, it's a bonus that me and this person get on so well also as we do have a connection.

I've made it clear to neighbour that this is a one off and I do not wish to do it again and he has said that he wants it to happen again and he likes me alot and has made hints of us one day in the future being an item, I've made it clear I've no intention to leavey partner and that this was infact just a physical thing for me.

I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty and also so scared because I feel like these things always come out in the end and I'm dreading the day it does. I could own up and risk everything, I know my partner will chuck me out, I'll have nowhere to go with a toddler in tow and I'm completely financially dependant on my partner. Or I say nothing and hope he never finds out and live with the guilt.

Can anyone offer any advice. I know I'll get absolutely slated for this but I had to say all this somewhere.

It wouldn’t be worrying you if you’d talked to your partner and established why your relationship isn’t 100%. Instead you hop into bed with your neighbour who 200% used the info you gave him to set this up.

I suppose you should be prepared to leave the family home and start again, with nothing as you’re the cheater and your partner provides for you. I presume you’re not on the mortgage / rental agreement?

I'd say it's abusive.

Her partner only provides financially.

In every other respect he's a dick head.

Her relationship isn't 100%. It's barely 1% for crying out loud because he does nothing around the house, doesn't spend time with his son or take a share in the caring of him, he withholds intimacy (for two years!), goes on regular boys weekends and gets angry when she won't give him a blow job on demand.

How you gonna straighten that lot out amicably with a little chat?

If she leaves with nothing then her child will suffer because this man has been a poor partner and father over a long period of time.

Do you feel it’s abusive shagging another man’s partner, who he is in an active relationship with, who they have kids together.

or is that ok in your book?

Ffs, do you want to actually post some advice to OP rather than trying to redirect the focus onto hypothetical men? It’s pretty telling that you’ve come into this thread purely to police it, rather than to try and offer advice.
This is a female centric forum, maybe you’d be more comfortable on a platform like Reddit, where the double standards are in mens favour?

OP, I think it’s clear your relationship is over, it’s not a good one and is a terrible example for your child. You need to work on leaving. Can you go back to work?

Regardless, she’s a cheater and unmarried so she’ll leave with nothing or as close to nothing as she can get depending on whether she’s on the deeds or rental agreement. She got screwed and screwed herself at the same time. Bravo to her discovering the potential consequences to her actions.

Yes i do do agree with the gf being innocent in this of course.. the point I'm making is op gets it now, she's done with him. As for them having an emotional affair I didn't give this enough thought in my comment and I do agree with you that was selfish and awful towards the gf.

I understand the point you're making, but op does sound vulnerable to me. She's in a very bad way with her partner and he sounds awful. But this takes me back to a previous point (when another poster mentioned something similar to you) that most men aren't in the same position as op is that's why I think as society we don't respond in the same way, even if that's wrong of us.. as you can see from the thread ...

I'm not here to give you a blasting. What I would suggest, is that you make steps to start earning your own money.

You're not treated respective in your relationship and you should want better for yourself.

I'm not sure if you're child is a boy or girl. If he's a boy, it's your partner a good role model for him a he grows to? Treating you like a maid. He will learn from his dad that a woman should be treated like you're being treated.

If you have a girl, do you want her to thing this is what she should expect in life from a relationship?

Block the other guy and don't let it happen again.

If you love your partner, sit him down and talk properly about his you feel in the relationship. If he doesn't take steps to make changes, then he doesn't care about how you feel. You need to understand that.

Being fully financially dependent on another human being (unless your a child) puts your in a vulnerable situation.

This.

I think neither man is good for you. Your partner doesn't sound like a good partner or father. Kicking off to get blowjobs, treating you like a maid, he sounds borderline abusive. The neighbour has no respect for his partner and has no care for the situation he has put you in- you initially said no and then he pushed till you gave in. Not a nice man.

Get yourself financially able to leave and then do that. Once settled you can start looking for a new relationship if you want but don't focus on a new relationship to fix everything or make you happy that is how you end up being treated poorly

Yeah, let's ignore the fact that the OP has cheated on her partner, she's the real victim in all this. 🙄

What @TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole has said is spot on.

It is very hard when there is no intimacy in a relationship and you are constantly being rejected unless he wants a convenient blow job. This relationship with the neighbour is wrong - you know that - but you are entitled to more in life. I would seriously think about splitting from your husband and starting off on a new journey.

Your OH is horrid, treats you like shit and is abusive - why are you so desperate to stay with him? You've now cheated on him with someone who lives practically next door and who knows him.

You should have ended things with your OH way before it got to this point. You need to do it now though or this could get even more messy than it already is.

If a man was saying these things about his wife it would be "the script", because it's a woman he's abusive and has asked for it.

I feel sorry for the neighbours partner, she's totally innocent in all of this and if she had written a post saying I've caught my partner shagging the next door neighbour you'd all be on her side.

OP you have to take the consequences of whatever happens, you've made your bed and now have to lay in it.

👏👏

Absolutely

I’ve been exactly where you are, and it turned out DH had been struggling with his sexuality for a long time. It could be any number of reasons but it’s not healthy for there to be no intimacy in a relationship. Resentments can build etc. In terms of the cheating I understand you’re feeling panicked and anxious and this probably won’t disappear until you come clean yourself as the ‘other guy’ is in close proximity and doesn’t sound like he will leave you alone so easily, along with his gf already being suspicious. Go careful. Whatever happens happens, take care of you and your toddler.

You need to own this no one else is to blame, and yes no matter how other people will twist it if you a man people will be having a massive go

Did you post about this a few days ago? I'm sure I read a thread where the OP was flirting with her neighbour but not slept with them?

So let's get back to actually helping OP with a plan shall we? I am concerned that if her DP finds out he will potentially throw her and baby out, or ramp up abuse or something. I think the best plan is for her to take IMMEDIATE steps to secure her home and some income away from her partner and only then tell him she wants to leave.

If she waits for him to find out about the neighbour, it'll be too late.

OP are you at the point of deciding to leave the relationship? Or are you not there yet? As what we suggest will be different either way.

If you are ready to leave you need to do the "ducks in a row" stuff quickly. Documents to another house, take half the money out of
any joint account, tell family or friends he is not a good man who coerces you to have sex and doesn't look after his child. Get somewhere to stay with your child, do you have anyone you could stay with? Do benefit calculators and so on to make sure you are getting all you are entitled to and find out how to open a CMS claim.

Please just ignore ndn and don't think of him again. It's a totally unimportant blip which just shows a) your current relationship isn't working and b) you are sending out signals of vulnerability to dodgy men.

By the by, a small flag went up in my head that his girlfriend is from Eastern Europe - not every man who had a gf from there has a dodgy approach to power and control in their relationship, but there's a stereotype for a reason.

As proven many times on MN
It's very two faced on here.