I absolutely despise my husband, for no real reason

[WhereDoWeGoFromHereHmmm]

I'm really struggling at the moment with family life. Married for 15 years with 3 young children.

DH has many great attributes, he's clever and gentle, funny and relaxed and we agree about loads of big issues in life. He adores the children.

The problem is, I just hate him. I can't explain it but I hate him. He can do nothing right. I spend my whole time seething at him and imaging buying a little house to live in with just the children. I don't know whether it's really him, or my age/stage, or something else? I know he's a nice guy, we generally rub along well, but honestly if he came into the room to say he was leaving me I would dance a jig.

What is happening? Can this be recovered? I don't want to blow up our family's life just to find out I'm a grumpy seething ball of hatred on my own as well.

Why are you seething? Be specific about what pisses you off. You’ve only described his good qualities but he’s obviously got less attractive qualities too - what are they?

My immediate thought is peri-monopause. I feel the same way.

Also, are you peri menopausal? This isn't an uncommon stage if you are.

But if there are issues in your relationship - sometimes it's the death of a thousand cuts rather than one big thing.

What are you seething about?

This has peri-menopause written all over it.

I don't believe you can despise someone for no reason. Is it something physically about him?

Do you have sex with him?

Absolutely agree about the perimenopause. I remember looking at my ex-husband and thinking if you take one more breath…

If your mum/ sister/ best mate came to live with you would you be seething at them too? (I know I would!) Might help you to think about whether this is a space thing, you're getting annoyed at more things, or if it's something specific to him?

I have the mirena coil which I had hoped would stave off peri. I also take 50mg of sertaline per day after PND with my 3rd child. Between those I was going really well but it's declined.

He does annoy me. I don't know whether I'm reasonable or not about it, but I don't think he does enough of the daily grunt work with the house and kids. He thinks he does contribute and that I don't appreciate his contribution... Problem is he does DIY, gardening, pays bills etc. obviously that's helpful but I do the washing, cooking, shopping, dishes, tidying, sorting kids, getting up with them in the mornings, all the school/parties/classes etc. All the boring, relentless day to day shit. It's a total cliche of male/female stuff that basically all of my female friends of a similar age are also living through.

He has a shitload of money and massive earning potential so hardly works any hours (genuinely a few hours a week). I work 3 days a week as a lawyer. He facilitates our lives financially really and I am an awful person but that is part of the reason I don't want to split. I am ashamed to admit that.

Peri menopause or depression. I’d book to see your GP

I should add thank you for the replies. It's hard to talk about this freely in real life to anyone and I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply.

If he works a few hours and does little that would partly explain it. I'm sure he's a nice man but I suspect there's also a touch of 'i bring the money so you do the rest' going on with both of you. There's a good list of household tasks in some feminist workbook somewhere which would be a good start to a conversation about this. I'll find it in a sec.

I completely understand why you don't want to rock the boat if you're financially, well, rich - but you are making the mistake of confusing money with happiness. Bit of a shake up won't hurt if you are living your life alongside someone you actually HATE. Discomfort can be quite stimulating.

Peri is magnifying the imbalance. Thankfully!! So it can be dragged into the light.

I think it's time to sit down and draw a chart, and possibly also book yourself a week away by yourself. Leave it all to him, then when you are back, massive renegotiation or you leave him.

3 young children, PND, peri and a husband coasting by on DIY jobs (which unless you live in a wreck really don't need doing every day). It's no wonder you're struggling.

Time for a serious talk with your DH. Also come up with a rota / division of labour (so for example if one person cooks then the other has to do the washing up and kitchen clean, take it in turns to do kids bedtimes and wake ups, one person sorts bins the other does the ironing etc, etc) and see if that helps.

There are some downloadable lists here: http://herestheplanbook.com/dividing-household-responsibilities

Can't you use his money to pay for help with housework? If he ends up much then I wouldn't be doing any housework myself.

I felt exactly like that when my DC were small and i was working. I really seemed to irrationally hate my DH and fantasised about a small house on my own somewhere (and selfishly without the DC!). However, over time, as the DC grew up and we started doing more together without always having to focus on family i found myself drawing closer to him and I realise i still loved him, i just did not enjoy that stage of our life together. As we head towards retirement i know I really love him and we have a great life together. I think most relationships have their ups and downs. It might be worth just looking at the good things you have and working on strengthening those. This sounds like a relationship worth saving if you can.

He's got a shitload of money and you're not earning beans as a lawyer. Don't quite know why you are listing all you do in household tasks in that case, as I don't know why you are doing them at all? Just pay someone to do all that, problem solved on the drudge front.

Swap the grunt work roles. He'll soon find out and your resentment will lessen. You can learn DIY. I can't think of a single job requiring a penis as a prerequisite. Can you also outsource cleaning, ironing etc? if neither of you want to do it.

Thank you all. I appreciate it.

I think it does stem from resentment of what I see as him not pulling his weight, and him thinking he is doing enough and I'm nagging/being unreasonable. We're at an impasse with that and it's probably reached the stage where I am hypersensitive about it so everything irritates me.

We do pay for some help in the house which is amazing, but with 3 children we still have the endless pick ups and drop offs and ballet outfits and chicken nuggets and Barbies on the floor and paints to put away and yoghurt spillages and birthday presents to buy and a thousand other day-to-day things.

I'll have a look at the list and go through it with him. He doesn't tend to stick to things he doesn't want to do, to be honest, but I think at least I can say I've tried.

He travels the world a lot as well (for pleasure!) and it's great when he is away. I'm much calmer.

so now hes just a cash cow while you treat him horribly

poor bloke

😂

No, he’s using the OP as a maid servant and puts pressure on her to shut up when she tries to discuss it.

He brings in loads of money

Works a handful of hours a week

Does 20% of the household and family load

Travels alone for fun leaving you and the children at home

And you wonder why you hate him?

Go to mediation

Whilst doing this work out what benefits/CM you'd be entitled to

The reason you despise your dh is resentment.

You do all of the boring grunt work. And he (outwardly anyway) has an easier life.

The solution here op is to “invent” a family or friend crisis and just go away for a week and two weekends if you can get away with it … don’t give him any notice…just go.

And the penny will drop about the grunt work I promise.

And when you return, have a long discussion, bring with you a list of everything you do and everything he does and either, divide them out more evenly, or employ a cleaner once or twice a week.
And then use that time to do something that you love op. Keep a corner of your life just for you and the things that bring you joy 💐

she didnt figure this out during their relationship or after their first child?