I absolutely despise my husband, for no real reason

[WhereDoWeGoFromHereHmmm]

I'm really struggling at the moment with family life. Married for 15 years with 3 young children.

DH has many great attributes, he's clever and gentle, funny and relaxed and we agree about loads of big issues in life. He adores the children.

The problem is, I just hate him. I can't explain it but I hate him. He can do nothing right. I spend my whole time seething at him and imaging buying a little house to live in with just the children. I don't know whether it's really him, or my age/stage, or something else? I know he's a nice guy, we generally rub along well, but honestly if he came into the room to say he was leaving me I would dance a jig.

What is happening? Can this be recovered? I don't want to blow up our family's life just to find out I'm a grumpy seething ball of hatred on my own as well.

It feels like everything that came before it was irrational! All those hormones tricking you into enslaving yourself (I may be suffering myself).

Oh and he's not 'contributing' either. It's not your job to run the house with his 'help'. You need to change your language and mindset about this, which helps to make it abundantly clear that you're not a domestic appliance and that the domestic load is not yours.

Yes this. How dare he. No wonder you despise him, he is barely a parent at all. And seeing as he isn't out all the hours doing back to back shifts to pay therent, he has ZERO excuse.

Very telling you said he has a lot of money. It isn't his ffs, it's shared. You're a family, not housemates.

I don't want the family to break up,

"If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time."

Absolutely despise. Sheesh thats some strong words. I hope the bloke finds a way to escape.

I think he escapes every day. Plus longer escapes whilst gallivanting around on holiday

I don't understand.
I'm 45, likely peri menopausal, don't know, married for 20 years, no kids and genuinely don't know this feeling.
Surely my husband can be irritating sometimes, but where does this come from?
🤔
And he is three decades older.

You don't understand that people feel differently than you?

Yes, you're angry. I don't blame you. Many women are, and should be.

You do understand surely that hormones affect people differently

Rage is definitely a peri thing. Its widely known BUT not all women get it, just as we all get different symptoms. Me I didn't get rage, but then, I love the life I consciously swapped the cards of life for. I am not chronically pissed off with a man I married or desperate for some me time, or done with my career choice of 20 years. When women are, I reckon they go through the rage stage - for a reason.

I go through phases of feeling this way about DH. In my 40s.

I think it’s a combination of things, certainly is for me and perimenopause is one of them. I don’t despise my DH, but honestly can’t cope with his expectation that I should micromanage him when it comes to household chores and DIY. I think the penny dropped the other week when I told him it was unacceptable to know everything about the premier league and have no clue about where stuff is stored at home, that it’s embarrassing and incredibly unattractive. Things have improved since, but am sure it’s not forever!

I remember many married friends of my parents separating when the kids left home, or went to uni and I never understood it… until now! I dream of a female only retreat where we all get along brilliantly, all contribute fairly to chores (without being asked!) and see out the rest of our days in a perpetual state of relaxation and harmony 😂

The commune! Our female friendship group regularly talk about the commune, and even share rightmove links for suitable properties. Keeps us sane when our OHs are driving us batshit.

Differently?
But so many PPs said "This screams peri-menopause". It's actually contradictory,
it almost seems the hormones affect everyone the same way.
Same about the other post, do I understand everyone feels different - well...😁

Suggest that it's your turn to swan off to Polynesia/Patagonia/Sri Lanka (other) he can run the house while you're away.
You can have a discussion about feeling used on your return

How does this help in any way???????

OP I completely get it, feel the same way. I'm 54 and think just going through menopause.

I think a couples therapist might be useful here.

If he is working less than you then why isn't he doing more?
With that much money are you outsourcing as much as you can?

Do you have any fun time together - either as a family or just you two?

Which thread are you reading?

After baby reindeer whenever someone says they're a lawyer I immediately think they're lying! Not saying you are though!

I'm actually in the same boat, my husband makes me crazy every single day. Even the sight of his face triggers me. Then fast forward a couple of days I think he's the greatest human being to ever walk the earth. Sorry I have no advice.

Well, thank you PPs for the advice and the scolding.
I hope I'm not gonna be in the same boat, it sounds a grim way to live.
Sorry.

Well, perhaps you could reflect that because you don't have kids, you've side-stepped the biggest source of inequality in the home. Perhaps you genuinely share all the domestic load with your DH - if so, good for you. Though with him three decades older, that's going to bring its own issues, some of them 'grim'.

I'll have him!

OP has 3 children.