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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I absolutely despise my husband, for no real reason

116 replies

WhereDoWeGoFromHereHmmm · 13/06/2024 09:25

I'm really struggling at the moment with family life. Married for 15 years with 3 young children.

DH has many great attributes, he's clever and gentle, funny and relaxed and we agree about loads of big issues in life. He adores the children.

The problem is, I just hate him. I can't explain it but I hate him. He can do nothing right. I spend my whole time seething at him and imaging buying a little house to live in with just the children. I don't know whether it's really him, or my age/stage, or something else? I know he's a nice guy, we generally rub along well, but honestly if he came into the room to say he was leaving me I would dance a jig.

What is happening? Can this be recovered? I don't want to blow up our family's life just to find out I'm a grumpy seething ball of hatred on my own as well.

OP posts:
amiahoarder · 13/06/2024 11:37

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2024 09:30

This has peri-menopause written all over it.

Agree with this

OhFensa · 13/06/2024 11:40

MsMarch · 13/06/2024 11:20

It takes him about ten times longer to do anything so I end up doing the bulk of everything, as well as the financial load.

It took me a long time to just sit back and let him do things, even thogh it takes him longer ,and not to feel guilty. So as he's trudging upstairs with a load of washing at 10pm at night, I feel NOTHING. Why? Because I can get through 7 loads of washing a week in between doing everything else. But if he just has one load to do, even if he's at home, he won't do it or will faff about and so he's only doing it at 10pm. Not my problem.

We moved to separate washing baskets years ago. That saved a lot of arguments. His is perpetually overflowing.

amiahoarder · 13/06/2024 11:40

Iloveshihtzus · 13/06/2024 10:20

Perimenopause is real and it could be causing your anger. However, it really just heightens the feelings - I remember reading here that oestrogen is the ‘be kind’ hormone which keeps women in their place as caregivers to the family. Evolution assumes our kids are reared and our husbands are dead by the time we are 50 (it was true when we were hunter gatherers) so we no longer need to have a constant injection of oestrogen - Valium to keep us placid.

You are good financially and you still love parts of him. Throw money at it until the kids are older. I got an au pair and a cleaner to survive. I also took up running as it was the only activity where DH didn’t try to pawn off a child on me.

I am the same as you, although my DC are slightly older - but I still dream of a place of my own, (all white, beautiful view, an apartment- so no bloody lawn to mow) - and if I won the lotto I would buy it and tell no one , not even my DC!!

But I realise it is my reaction to the grind of daily life and I don’t hate my family. You will hopefully rediscover a happier relationship, when the kids get older and there is less running about for clubs and parties etc.

Edited

My marriage is also fine but I also dream of my own place, except it's a log cabin in the woods by a lake !

Spinet · 13/06/2024 11:41

Sounds like he could share a bit of the glamour, quite honestly.

MsMarch · 13/06/2024 11:48

OhFensa · 13/06/2024 11:40

We moved to separate washing baskets years ago. That saved a lot of arguments. His is perpetually overflowing.

Show quote history

DH's wouldn't be overflowing if we did this. But he would be confused about why he is "always" washing. It takes him about 2-3x longer to hang up a load than it does me. He also has a very weird approach to taking clothing down. When it's me - I fold it all up and place in piles relevant to each person on top of the tumble drier.

DH does NOT do this. He needs to take the washing down to hang up a new load so he will just grab all the washing and fling it to the side. Then, later, he has to come and sort it out. This is then made more complicated because the spot we use for washing is not very big and now he's got clean, but unfolded, washing on top of the tumble drier which means he has nowhere to place the washing as he now folds it. So he folds it and puts it all into a single basket. Then he has to remove it all from the basket and separate into people-piles. Often refolding along the way because he's overflowed the basket and everything has spilt out.

So, instead of the 15 minutes it takes me to fold away one load and hang up another, the whole job has taken him about 30 minutes at least. AND, he's all stressed out because of the chaos he is surrounded by.

What's even more frustrating is that he thinks that I have caused this chaos. He simply does not recognise that he is the problem.

I largely just ignore it all. Every now and again we'll have a petty little argument about it and then we just carry on. We had got behind on the washing recently. I have done 11 loads in less than a week. The "washing room" (a small space) has been managed fine - piles of clothes that I have moved into other people's rooms as we go. Yesterday, I did a load and had folded up some clothes and towels and left them on the tumble drier then hung up a second load. DH then had to do some washing for work. I came in there this morning to find DD's PE trousers and it was complete CHAOS in there. I 100% guarantee that Dh thinks this is my fault.

Summerhillsquare · 13/06/2024 12:06

amiahoarder · 13/06/2024 11:37

Agree with this

Show quote history

Nah, he's lazy and selfish. OP how is he loyal and kind when he isn't listening to you and acting on your needs?

Newgirls · 13/06/2024 12:11

Def read a peri book! Your oestrogen is falling and your ‘rose-tinted’ goggles have fallen off. And you know what - good!

time for some big chats about life going forward and setting some new rules. Maybe book a holiday with your mates/alone 👍👍

JamSandle · 13/06/2024 12:12

My aunty said she absolutely hated her husband through menopause but got through it.

RomanRoysSearchHistory · 13/06/2024 12:16

The mirena coil at 44 made me feel apoplectic rage at everyone and everything. Started the day after insertion and was relieved by removal. A GP told me that hormones released by the mirena stay localised but the thousands of testimonials and anecdotals online would suggest otherwise. Have a Google and think about exactly when this began.

Noseybookworm · 13/06/2024 12:30

It sounds like he has a very nice life doing what he wants while you work and look after 3 children and everything else! No wonder you feel resentful! I would sit him down and tell him things have to change. Make a list of everything you do and then delegate a substantial amount of tasks to him. He's not doing his fair share. Or try couples counselling?

TusconTrain · 13/06/2024 12:42

I think the issue is that he's not treating you as his equal partner. He's sort of treating you like his maid?

Great that he has lots of money and doesn't need to work many hours - but he's not looking at that as a benefit for the whole family is he? In his eyes, he is the only one who should benefit from it (otherwise he would use some of his free time to take on a fairer share of household tasks so that you all had some more free time).

He could have viewed his excess leisure time as a family bonus and shared it with you by doing more at home so that you could both have more time for having fun but it seems actually he does less than a single man with no children living alone would need to do for himself, as in he's not even "just" leaving all of the kids' stuff to you but he expects you to do things to look after him as well like wash his undies!?

Assuming you are married and he made vows to you he's not doing a very good job of upholding them. Did he promise to share everything he had with you? Because that should include time and chores and responsibilities as well as money.

Batyhatty · 13/06/2024 12:44

I could have written this. I feel like such a bitch. You are not alone. Definitely think it’s the menopause

Comtesse · 13/06/2024 12:48

I would not blow up my marriage for this. Not yet anyway.

If you have a cleaner, double their hours and ask if they can do laundry / tidying etc.

Go to a proper menopause clinic and see what they say. Maybe get your anti-depressants looked at too?

Book a weekend away just for you really soon. Maybe with friends, maybe by yourself. You need a firebreak by the sound of it.

Can you get therapy with your work/ health care? Might be worth it to get some of this articulated.

Greenerygarden · 13/06/2024 12:49

He gets to travel alone a lot without you and the kids
and he works less hours than you but also does less work around the house.
you ask him to do things and he doesn’t or doesn’t stick to them
he doesn’t recognise that you’re doing more and so doesn’t appreciate anything you’re doing
and he’s generally just living a lovely calm life where he pleases himself and you look after his house and children and push him along into things.
I’d be pretty resentful too.

that said, you only work 3 days a week. He only works a couple of hours a week and you also have domestic help. You’ve both got it pretty good. Surely a bit of communication and willingness and you could make this work.

SherrieElmer · 13/06/2024 12:53

You hate him, leave him. What is the point of being with someone that you hate?

dunkdemunder · 13/06/2024 13:00

What does he do with his time OP? During the day when he has no DIY or gardening what is he doing?

Does he spend a little of time on financial matters do to the 'loads of money'?

His 'a few hours a week' of work, what actually does this entail? Died he spend a lot of time networking and keeping in contact with industry people to enable him to get those few lucrative hours?

Cotonsugar · 13/06/2024 13:11

wrped · 13/06/2024 09:57

she didnt figure this out during their relationship or after their first child?

Show quote history

Perimenopause causes scales to fall from eyes trust me😊

caffelattetogo · 13/06/2024 13:27

Delegate some of the grunt work to him. Not the subjective stuff (cleaning can be very different, depending on your standards) but the straightforward ones. Maybe he could choose dishes or laundry? Then divvy up the other really dull jobs.

HellsBells67 · 13/06/2024 13:33

I'd be keen to discuss the side effects of Sertraline with the GP if I were you. These can affect mood negatively. Are you supposed to be on them for a set period of time or is there any talk of reducing down the dose?

DaisyChainsandSunnyDays · 13/06/2024 14:04

I would absolutely resent him too. go to therapy and figure out what you want in life and relationship.

Ohgoodlord · 13/06/2024 14:12

WhereDoWeGoFromHereHmmm · 13/06/2024 09:34

I have the mirena coil which I had hoped would stave off peri. I also take 50mg of sertaline per day after PND with my 3rd child. Between those I was going really well but it's declined.

He does annoy me. I don't know whether I'm reasonable or not about it, but I don't think he does enough of the daily grunt work with the house and kids. He thinks he does contribute and that I don't appreciate his contribution... Problem is he does DIY, gardening, pays bills etc. obviously that's helpful but I do the washing, cooking, shopping, dishes, tidying, sorting kids, getting up with them in the mornings, all the school/parties/classes etc. All the boring, relentless day to day shit. It's a total cliche of male/female stuff that basically all of my female friends of a similar age are also living through.

He has a shitload of money and massive earning potential so hardly works any hours (genuinely a few hours a week). I work 3 days a week as a lawyer. He facilitates our lives financially really and I am an awful person but that is part of the reason I don't want to split. I am ashamed to admit that.

If there's shitloads of money in the family pot, get a housekeeper. They take over all the cleaning, laundry (washing, ironing, putting away), dry cleaning, food shopping etc. Don't be a martyr, just throw money at that aspect of life and see if that changes anything.

BalletPrancer · 13/06/2024 14:16

MalbecandToast · 13/06/2024 09:27

My immediate thought is peri-monopause. I feel the same way.

Yes, this! I was repulsed by so many things… people, clothes, places and particularly smells.
Poor DH didn’t know what was the matter and because it’s so irrational, you can’t explain it!

TruthorDie · 13/06/2024 14:22

You’re not selling him to me. Sounds like he spends the vast majority of the time doing exactly what he wants -he’s not do house stuff, child stuff or much work. Leaving you do the boring grunt work and work lots more than him. That’s before we even get to the him going on holiday leaving you to do everything. Do you ever go away as a couple or as a family? Has he always been so selfish and self absorbed? Do you have a cleaner, nanny etc?

Ohgoodlord · 13/06/2024 14:22

Tractorqueen678 · 13/06/2024 09:56

The reason you despise your dh is resentment.

You do all of the boring grunt work. And he (outwardly anyway) has an easier life.

The solution here op is to “invent” a family or friend crisis and just go away for a week and two weekends if you can get away with it … don’t give him any notice…just go.

And the penny will drop about the grunt work I promise.

And when you return, have a long discussion, bring with you a list of everything you do and everything he does and either, divide them out more evenly, or employ a cleaner once or twice a week.
And then use that time to do something that you love op. Keep a corner of your life just for you and the things that bring you joy 💐

The penny won't drop because its only for a short, temporary spell, so the kids will have takeaways, spills won't be cleaned up and/or he'll increase the cleaners hours. After school clubs will be missed and school shirts won't be ironed. Anyone can tick over for 2 weeks when they know someone else will sort it when they get back. It's not the solution. I mean, go away anyway but just get a full time housekeeper/nanny to do literally all the domestic drudge. Make him pay the £40k salary so that he can see just how much it costs to run a household properly.

TruthorDie · 13/06/2024 14:22

Ohgoodlord · 13/06/2024 14:12

If there's shitloads of money in the family pot, get a housekeeper. They take over all the cleaning, laundry (washing, ironing, putting away), dry cleaning, food shopping etc. Don't be a martyr, just throw money at that aspect of life and see if that changes anything.

Show quote history

This. If he won’t do the tasks then he can pay someone else to