I absolutely despise my husband, for no real reason

[WhereDoWeGoFromHereHmmm]

I'm really struggling at the moment with family life. Married for 15 years with 3 young children.

DH has many great attributes, he's clever and gentle, funny and relaxed and we agree about loads of big issues in life. He adores the children.

The problem is, I just hate him. I can't explain it but I hate him. He can do nothing right. I spend my whole time seething at him and imaging buying a little house to live in with just the children. I don't know whether it's really him, or my age/stage, or something else? I know he's a nice guy, we generally rub along well, but honestly if he came into the room to say he was leaving me I would dance a jig.

What is happening? Can this be recovered? I don't want to blow up our family's life just to find out I'm a grumpy seething ball of hatred on my own as well.

Is he a hands on loving father, because perceived rejection of the DC's, is like a personal rejection and breeds hate?
The other thing is that anti-D's can help with hot flushes, but they don't help a low mood caused by hormone deficiencies, so HRT might help.

Very similar circumstances here!

Why don’t you get an au pair or full/part time live in/live out nanny? That’s what I’d do. Or even house keeper.

You need help and you also need time to yourself. My ex NDN and friend has 3 DC and when they were young had to arrange for the odd weekend away with friends or to see friends alone in the evening as dealing with them was/is full on. She’s now a SAHM too.

You are not alone. It got better when I started HRT. Now I realise that I'm not happy but that I'm also not unhappy either and am in a limbo of what to do. My world feels curtailed by being in a relationship, but the reality would likely be the same if I left too - I'd be ok financially, though less comfortable than now. I have no idea what to do and bury my head in the sand hoping it will resolve. So yes, you're not alone!

But she’s also seeing when he’s away how much easier her life is and would be without him. He’s not changing.

The person I know/knew, her DH would every weekend go out on long whole day or whole afternoon bike rides leaving her to deal with the kids alone. Don’t know if he does it now as they’ve emigrated. He would parent the kids but said he often found them “feral”. Well you both chose to have 3 kids didn’t you? Not just one of you.

I assumed that she felt less angry when he was away on a jolly because she had no expectation of him - because he's not there

Go on holiday alone for two weeks and let him pick up the grunt work so he knows what it involves.

This is exactly right. It's one less person to deal with, to organise, to chivvy along, to take into account, to tidy up after, to cook for, to do laundry for.

I know the obvious question is why I am doing those things for him and it seems so easy but the reality is hard and complex.

Thanks so much, I feel better having written this all down and sorted through some of my feelings and thoughts. I'm going to try to address this and see where we get to.

I don't want the family to break up, I'd rather keep a kind and loyal man in my life, but I need to understand and address what's going wrong to make me feel so angry all the time. I might also look into peri!

Well, he may well feel similarly about you, otherwise why would he be travelling abroad loads on his own for pleasure? Sounds more like he has acquired you and DC's over time as a sidelines but his main life hasn't changed much, has lots of time doing his own thing.
Possibly seeing someone else abroad anyway, it would be hard for you to find that out.
You probably need to think about what you want out of life, and how important it is to you to feel and be loved against what you have materially. I mean, if it's important to you to have closeness in a partner, what's good for the goose and all that. You could see someone yourself on the side for that while he's away, lead a separate life but under the same roof and stop being angry. You wouldn't be the first 'power couple' to do that.
All sounds a bit dead anyway. You might as well divorce really, youd have plenty to live off. If he's abroad lots, he's already a part-time father. You could try counselling, depends how many years this situation has gone on for. I think you might be experiencing cognitive dissonance from selling your soul.

Perimenopause is real and it could be causing your anger. However, it really just heightens the feelings - I remember reading here that oestrogen is the ‘be kind’ hormone which keeps women in their place as caregivers to the family. Evolution assumes our kids are reared and our husbands are dead by the time we are 50 (it was true when we were hunter gatherers) so we no longer need to have a constant injection of oestrogen - Valium to keep us placid.

You are good financially and you still love parts of him. Throw money at it until the kids are older. I got an au pair and a cleaner to survive. I also took up running as it was the only activity where DH didn’t try to pawn off a child on me.

I am the same as you, although my DC are slightly older - but I still dream of a place of my own, (all white, beautiful view, an apartment- so no bloody lawn to mow) - and if I won the lotto I would buy it and tell no one , not even my DC!!

But I realise it is my reaction to the grind of daily life and I don’t hate my family. You will hopefully rediscover a happier relationship, when the kids get older and there is less running about for clubs and parties etc.

You're the domestic appliance and he does nothing. Bringing money in isn't enough. He needs to participate fully, in family life. He should be doing all the school runs and way more household chores.

You're peri and less inclined to put up with all this shit. He's a lazy arsehole and he needs to be told.

Go away for a week's holiday alone and let him do all the grunt work. Come back and draw up a contract about duties going forward. You're a lawyer so you should be great at this!

Say it is ruining your feelings towards him because you're being treated like a domestic appliance and he is benefitting from your labour, while you are fed up and exhausted.

Say it needs to change or it will be divorce and he will doing 100% of household chores in his own place and 50% school runs.

Oh for fuck's sake. Can you actually read?

There's obviously loads of money sloshing around so get some therapy rather than ask a load of anonymous internet randoms whose advice is worth exactly what you have paid for it.

Good idea!

You might find if you suggest mediation that it'll pop a bomb under him !

Totally normal for where you are in your life
Michelle Obama says she ‘couldn’t stand’ husband Barack for 10 years | Michelle Obama | The Guardian

You say you have help but if you can get more then do.

Stop doing his laundry.

One of the most helpful things I ever read on here is how normal it is to hate your husband/partner when you have small children. That helped me get through it and now we are fine.

Honestly, it really isn't normal to hate your husband when you have small children.

Sounds quite normal! You carry the mental load for the family. Many men do lots to contribute but it's you who thinks and plans all the stuff. Exhausting. Couple of suggestions. 1. Write down all the good things you liked about him, and the positive things he does, always a good reminder when you want to kill him! ha. I got divorced and its hard. 2. Take up more space for your own life. Do you have a hobby/sport/unrealised ambition? Take time for yourself, once or twice a week, no kids, no responsibilities, and do something that makes you happy. The happier you are, the easier it will be to deal with the situation. All men I know just go out and book an event/sport and don't consult their wives. Do it. He can arrange a babysitter if he’s not going to be in. Just tell him you feel disconnected from yourself and need to do something to find your joy again. You can’t carry on. Don’t negotiate, just do it.

I'm 44 and have this. We don't even have children, I can't imagine my rage if we did. My partner thinks he does half the load, but he counts it on time spent. It takes him about ten times longer to do anything so I end up doing the bulk of everything, as well as the financial load. Other than this he is one of the good guys, and I still want him around, but he makes me SO ANGRY. I have to take myself on frequent dog walks to get away from the rage. It didn't used to be this bad, and we've been together a long time, so I'm presuming it's peri-menopause.

Well as so many women do it seems it is.

Definitely sounds like peri is an issue. As a PP said - it doesn't create feelings that aren't there already, but it does amplify them.

Having said that, it's not clear to me why, when he's hardly working, you're doing 90% of the day to day tasks. That makes absolutely no sense and of COURSE you're resentful. You could try that idea that's suggested regularly where you write down all the things you do over a day/week/month and how long it takes you vs what he's doing but it sounds like he's not really open to that either so it might be pointless.

Option 2 is that with plenty of money you bring in a lot more help. So rather than a weekly cleaner for four hours, you swap to twice weekly and it's not only about cleaning but also tidying, washing, ironing etc. Or get a housekeeper a few hours a few times a week to do all these things as well as shopping etc.

How often do YOU go away for weekends/night outs? Because that might also be worth doing. You have a busy life but plenty of money so you need to see some of the benefit of that.

It takes him about ten times longer to do anything so I end up doing the bulk of everything, as well as the financial load.

It took me a long time to just sit back and let him do things, even thogh it takes him longer ,and not to feel guilty. So as he's trudging upstairs with a load of washing at 10pm at night, I feel NOTHING. Why? Because I can get through 7 loads of washing a week in between doing everything else. But if he just has one load to do, even if he's at home, he won't do it or will faff about and so he's only doing it at 10pm. Not my problem.

I understand the concept behind this advice but the problem is that a week, or even a several weeks, isn't enough to fully understand the mental load of being the default parent. You can easily spend a week without having to replace clothes that have been outgrown, buy birthday presents, arrange play dates, mop the floors, worry about nutritious food, sorting out broken toys, organise meetings with extended family, and all the million small but essential and endless tasks that go largely unnoticed but keep family life ticking over.

Indeed I think there is a risk that the exercise could backfire - the DH could end the week wondering what all the fuss was about, and still none the wiser about the day-to-day, week-in, week-out work that goes in to being the default parent.

I am prone to focus on the resentment rather than perimenopause.
The money he earns pays for a lot, but does not pay for the mental load. Three young children is really a lot and your husband seems to be useless in terms of his roles as a parent and a partner at this stage of your lives.
However, you say that he is otherwise a decent and loyal person and that you can see yourself staying with him. There are things you could try doing to alleviate the pressure.
Use the money to get as much practical help as possible, cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, even childcare.
Make sure the above leaves you free time to do some therapy to explore those feelings of resentment and annoyance. It might be that you actually resent yourself for staying with him for the financial benefits that this marriage provides. Or it could be something else. But do try to get to the bottom of it and that should resolve a lot of tension inside of you.
Also, try to exercise, do yoga or meditate. It takes a while to get the into it so try to be persistent. Maintaining this level of self-care is for your own good and then the children will benefit as well.
Marriage is particularly difficult when the kids are young even with the most hands-on husbands. I've been there and felt exactly the way you describe. Unfortunately, there were other issues in our marriage that made it impossible to continue, but from this perspective I think that if your partner is fundamentally a decent person I would definitely try to help myself power through these difficult times. But to do this, someone has to step up, it looks like it is not going to be him so use the money to get people to step in and facilitate your life at this stage.