Separating-Husband threatening to kill himself

YeahWhateverGoAway · 11/06/2024 22:23

He won't. He wants to keep you in line. And this will do it.
And he's emotionally abusing DD8 by saying things like that in front of her. If he threatens it, ring the police for a welfare check, that normally sorts them out.

Endoftheroad12345 · 11/06/2024 22:25

Why are you moving out?

I don’t know if he’s serious but all I will say is that this is a tactic commonly employed by abusive men. My ex H did it (the threat I mean - he’s still very much alive and kicking). It’s a control thing.

If anything I would say the fact that he is prepared to say such a thing in front of your 8 year old daughter very much confirms that you are making the right decision.

2kidsnewstart · 11/06/2024 22:25

Oh wow that is a lot you have my sympathy. I've not been in this position before but I would call 999 when he says that. I would share the info with people who care for him.

Don't let it derail you - he's not safe to be around for your daughter. It is a continuation of his emotional abuse. Good luck OP you're very brave and doing the right thing.

YeahWhateverGoAway · 11/06/2024 22:25

Keep looking for a rental, disengage and let him sort himself out. If he wanted you to stay he shouldn't have been such an abusive dick should he.

you and DD both deserve better than this. And keep a record of the suicide threats, I wouldn't let him have unsupervised access to DD whilst he's making those threats.

hazeydays14 · 11/06/2024 22:29

Sorry you’re going through this OP. From the ages of 15-21 I was with a ‘man’ who used to threaten to kill himself whenever I tried to leave. He did have genuine mental health issues. I left after it got physical between us. I saw him a few months ago in a local supermarket.. alive and kicking

I know my situation is vastly different from being in a marriage with kids but I whole heartedly believe that men who threaten to kill themselves when you leave do so only to control you. And even if he did take his own life, it wouldn’t be your fault.

I hope you manage to find happiness and leave this man 💐

FairFuming · 11/06/2024 22:30

Benefits won't pay towards a meal rage but will help with rent so he would be better moving into a rental. If he has a genuine reason he can't work more he needs to apply for the element that gives you more for that and removes your work commitments. UC is an awful benefit but it's easy enough to understand when you get used to it.
The threatening to kill himself if a continuation of the emotional abuse and the fact he's doing it Infront of your young child worries me he might try and use her as a weapon to get to you. Can you get her some age appropriate counselling? My ex tried to do this. Its pathetic and horrendously manipulative. Congratulations on your freedom!

Original poster

AlwaysTheOneWaiting · 11/06/2024 22:31

Thanks everyone.

@Endoftheroad12345 I have agreed to move out because the mortgage is much cheaper than renting and as a homeowner he wouldn't get any help towards the rent. He also says due to his illness he couldn't cope with the upheaval of moving. Selling the house would take months or longer, especially if he doesn't agree to it and I feel I just need to get out.

@YeahWhateverGoAway do you think he's a threat to the DC? I work full time and he works part-time so have to leave her alone with him.

Is there a formal way of keeping record of the suicide threats? I didn't call 101/999, didn't occur to me.

OP posts:

Keroppi · 11/06/2024 22:35

next time he threatens it, offer to call 999 and get a welfare check on him
in fact maybe might be best to report to dr/spcial/non emergency police as he's saying that stuff in front of dd and i wouldn't want him sharing custody if that's what he's going to do

he'll soon stop once u give him no reaction. it's a control thing/him feeling desperate.. but still

Endoftheroad12345 · 11/06/2024 22:40

Get him out of the house - he can stay with family or rent a room somewhere.

Don’t leave him alone with your child - if he is genuinely that mentally unwell he shouldn’t be caring for her, if he’s not and he’s making bullshit suicide threats in front of her he should not have unsupervised access.

Pur yourself and your DD first

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 11/06/2024 22:47

If you haven’t moved out how has he claimed as all finances have to be separate along with not cooking or cleaning for each other. I’ve done it and it was a damn nightmare

as for the suicide threats every time he says it “oh ok I’ll get the police to check on you then” and grey rock him on everything. It’s a tactic most abusers use

He also doesn’t want you to go as he as a cushy life and it’ll all change now your going. Don’t be fooled as he’ll turn from nice to angry all back again

Original poster

AlwaysTheOneWaiting · 11/06/2024 22:52

Thanks again.

Gosh not quite sure what to do. Can't take time off work that easily as desperately trying to save so that can move out. Have no family nearby, neither has he and none of my friends have a big enough place to accommodate me and DD for more than a night or two. Thought about going to a hotel but decided against it as really need to save money. Wish I had called the police now when it happened but it didn't even occur to me.

OP posts:

Roui · 11/06/2024 22:54

My ex husband used to threaten this too. Just phone the police for a welfare check when he says it.
And tell him you will get a social worker if he says that in front of your child again. They will stop his contact if he’s emotionally abusing!

It’s hard but you have to be strong. He can either sink or swim, but either way it’s on him not you!

Balloonhearts · 11/06/2024 22:54

My dad's been threatening it since 1996. He's still alive and well and drinking like a fish.

cestlavielife · 11/06/2024 22:58

You call 999 and say he is suicidal and they will assess him
They will likely send police
Every time
And he can no longer be in sole charge of dc since he is suicidal

Original poster

AlwaysTheOneWaiting · 11/06/2024 22:59

@Sevenwondersofthewoo I have asked for some advice and was told he could claim now. We had some joint accounts which we have now separated, and have started buying food etc separately. But of course it's very difficult as he relies on me financially, ie. I pay the mortgage and bills.
Have been looking for a rental for a while now but there's very little available.

Should I tell him if he does this again I will call the police as he's emotionally abusing DD? He was also telling her how it is mummy's fault that he is sas as she wants to leave him.

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 11/06/2024 23:00

Definitely call the police. Also tell him clearly if he ever does anything like that in front of your child again he moves out that minute and you will decide to stay in the home. That it shows he’s not fit to be a parent and you will immediately stop the plan where you make all the effort and facilitate him, you will ask the police to move him out and he can find somewhere while you stay in the family home as it would be best for the kids. Make it clear that if he wants to fuck with your kids like this then you withdraw all support and he will be on his own.

Mummy2024 · 11/06/2024 23:02

AlwaysTheOneWaiting · 11/06/2024 22:21

After years of misery I have finally found the courage to tell my husband I want to separate. He has mental health and severe health issues, the marriage has been dead for years and he's also emotionally abusive.

I have agreed to move out from the family home (owned with a mortgage) and find a rental. Based on the entitledto website he should be able to get UC and other help without my income.

I haven't found a rental place yet but he decided to apply for UC as we have now separated. At the end of the application it said he should increase his income through work. He got really stressed (he genuinely is too sick to work more than he does but hasn't been entitled to any help until now because I earn too much) and agitated and said he feels suicidal every day.

He then proceeded to tell he wants to kill himself in front of DD8.

Is he being serious? DD of course got really upset. He says he can't financially cope without me and that I should stay. I am not familiar with benefits and not sure why the entitledto website said he should be getting some help but yet he now claims he won't. My understanding was that he could start claiming now even though I still live here as we have separated.

Not sure what to do, other than that I can't keep living like this.

Really so he was happy to separate until he found out he needed to work more?

Walk away OP. Secondly does he have recognised and fully diagnosed health conditions? If he does he will attend a work meeting explain his limitations (he will need a fit note) and then could possibly have his work requirements reduce. Either way walk away. Doing that infront of your DD is an absolute disgrace tbh

cestlavielife · 11/06/2024 23:05

You cannot leave dd alone with him
You just leave with dd and call 999 if he says he is suicidal
Keep charged mobile on your person and maybe sleep in dd room if you cannot leave to anywhere safe
He sounds volatile and dangerous as he sees everything falling apart
Do not underestimate how he might act and react
999 every time
And speak to safeguarding lead at school
You don't want him picking up dd and doing anything stupid

cestlavielife · 11/06/2024 23:11

(Ex did this. At one point it it was pretty serious he did have genuine mh breakdown but combined with being twat. At one point i had his funeral planned. Another time i called 999 a police welfare check found him safe and fine. That seemed to stop the threats.... Go figure.)

Original poster

AlwaysTheOneWaiting · 11/06/2024 23:11

Yes he has a severe chronic illness and also depression, he has weekly hospital appointments and has asked his main consultant to provide a statement and they have agreed to, haven't received this yet.

Luckily DD sleeps with me anyway, haven't slept in the same room with my husband for a few years now.

I will try and see if I can leave work early tomorrow to pick up DD, he usually does the school runs as he only works a couple of days per week.

OP posts:

Mummy2024 · 11/06/2024 23:11

AlwaysTheOneWaiting · 11/06/2024 22:59

@Sevenwondersofthewoo I have asked for some advice and was told he could claim now. We had some joint accounts which we have now separated, and have started buying food etc separately. But of course it's very difficult as he relies on me financially, ie. I pay the mortgage and bills.
Have been looking for a rental for a while now but there's very little available.

Should I tell him if he does this again I will call the police as he's emotionally abusing DD? He was also telling her how it is mummy's fault that he is sas as she wants to leave him.

Also if your paying the mortgage universal credit won't pay anything but the interest and even that is a loan. So walking away from the house unless you can still pay the mortgage will be extemely damaging to your credit. You need to find a rental for him instead as they will pay that.

Mummy2024 · 11/06/2024 23:14

AlwaysTheOneWaiting · 11/06/2024 23:11

Yes he has a severe chronic illness and also depression, he has weekly hospital appointments and has asked his main consultant to provide a statement and they have agreed to, haven't received this yet.

Luckily DD sleeps with me anyway, haven't slept in the same room with my husband for a few years now.

I will try and see if I can leave work early tomorrow to pick up DD, he usually does the school runs as he only works a couple of days per week.

His work hours maybe reduced with chronic illness who knows, explain that to him but I'd seriously consider ringing the police tbh as it's controlling and coercive behaviour If nothing else. He should be removed from the house not you and your paying the mortgage that he cannot afford.

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyHusband · 11/06/2024 23:15

YeahWhateverGoAway · 11/06/2024 22:23

He won't. He wants to keep you in line. And this will do it.
And he's emotionally abusing DD8 by saying things like that in front of her. If he threatens it, ring the police for a welfare check, that normally sorts them out.

You say he won't, but how does a random person on the internet know that. I know two men that did after a bad breakup. Completely heartbreaking. I'm not saying op should stay but don't always think they won't and it's attention seeking sometimes it's not and the outcome is very sad.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 11/06/2024 23:17

AlwaysTheOneWaiting · 11/06/2024 22:59

@Sevenwondersofthewoo I have asked for some advice and was told he could claim now. We had some joint accounts which we have now separated, and have started buying food etc separately. But of course it's very difficult as he relies on me financially, ie. I pay the mortgage and bills.
Have been looking for a rental for a while now but there's very little available.

Should I tell him if he does this again I will call the police as he's emotionally abusing DD? He was also telling her how it is mummy's fault that he is sas as she wants to leave him.

Oh yes with damn bells on every time phone the police
also for saying you’ve made him sad to your child is bang out of order

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 11/06/2024 23:20

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyHusband · 11/06/2024 23:15

You say he won't, but how does a random person on the internet know that. I know two men that did after a bad breakup. Completely heartbreaking. I'm not saying op should stay but don't always think they won't and it's attention seeking sometimes it's not and the outcome is very sad.

Show quote history

Hence welfare checks

women can’t stay because of what ifs we are not men’s therapists

for the record when folks kill themselves they tell no one.