Separating-Husband threatening to kill himself

[AlwaysTheOneWaiting]

After years of misery I have finally found the courage to tell my husband I want to separate. He has mental health and severe health issues, the marriage has been dead for years and he's also emotionally abusive.

I have agreed to move out from the family home (owned with a mortgage) and find a rental. Based on the entitledto website he should be able to get UC and other help without my income.

I haven't found a rental place yet but he decided to apply for UC as we have now separated. At the end of the application it said he should increase his income through work. He got really stressed (he genuinely is too sick to work more than he does but hasn't been entitled to any help until now because I earn too much) and agitated and said he feels suicidal every day.

He then proceeded to tell he wants to kill himself in front of DD8.

Is he being serious? DD of course got really upset. He says he can't financially cope without me and that I should stay. I am not familiar with benefits and not sure why the entitledto website said he should be getting some help but yet he now claims he won't. My understanding was that he could start claiming now even though I still live here as we have separated.

Not sure what to do, other than that I can't keep living like this.

Please call women's aid. I would genuinely consider going into Refuge.... Not least because it's cheap rent and UC will pay it for you BECAUSE you're leaving domestic abuse. They also have refuges all over the UK so you can get away from him. Plus, they have workers in each Refuge who will help you deal with the house selling situation remotely and will advocate for you. There are laws in place that change lots of rules to help women who are victims of domestic abuse and make no mistake, you ARE (& your DD) a victim of domestic abuse

It would also help your case if he ever took you to court for access to DD. Also, I believe your employers will legally have to give you extended leave whilst you're in the Refuge, giving you breathing space to decide what to do, work wise.

What is his chronic condition, are you able to say? Can he claim pip?

Name change for this as I'm a regular

My H made two suicide attempts, one last year and another this year in our house. My DD15 and myself saved his life - it was a truly awful experience. He was sectioned and is now living separate to us. I have tried and tried to help him, but I just can't and I can't do it anymore. I feel a huge sense of relief not having to live with him anymore.

He has no idea of the impact on those around him. Severe depression does that - it's all about his misery and

Cont. !

It felt like he had given into it. My DS18 he's like the kraken trying to drag us all down.

Get out now for the sake of your own mental health and that if your DD. Get social services involved ( I had that done automatically when H was sectioned in A&E). Let him have access to your DD but in a controlled setting. My DD15 said I don't want to come home from school and find Dad dead. It's been horrendous

I'm so, so sorry for what you've been through. The argument you had with him, at most, would have been one small factor in a lifetime that contributed. In fact, if the argument hadn't happened he may well have ended up making the same decision with a different trigger/ catalyst. Please try not to blame yourself (easier said than done I know). Even if you'd understood he was serious that's not the same as being able to prevent it anyway, the power always was him.

"Is it not likely that his friends and family wouldn't want to be burdened by him either?
I'm not saying he doesn't deserve help and support, but if he's a very problematic person they may quite understandably be just as keen to cut him out of their lives as you were?@beergiggles"

This is such an unnecessarily cruel comment. She obviously wasn't saying that she was keen to cut him out or unwilling to be burdened. She only said she didn't understand how serious he was when he threatened suicide. I am really shocked you would say this to someone who has gone through such trauma.

@beergiggles

Is it not likely that his friends and family wouldn't want to be burdened by him either?I'm not saying he doesn't deserve help and support, but if he's a very problematic person they may quite understandably be just as keen to cut him out of their lives as you were?

What a genuinely cruel, nasty comment to someone bereaved. Awful, genuinely awful.

I stayed with an ex for over 10 years because of his suicide threats. I was only a teenager when it started so I was very brainwashed.

Definitely pass the responsibility to someone else.
There's a high chance he's just saying it, but even if he is actually suicidal you're not trained in suicide prevention and even if you were you're not the right person to help him because you don't want to be with him or live him with and that's what he says he wants.
So I'd be telling the police and his family.

Absolutely no way would I be leaving your child with him at this stage.

I know you think your being sensible but I implore you to ask him to send you the mortgage money and you pay it yourself or you check every single month that the mortgage has been paid.

This is a person with mental health issues, atm you are paying all of the bills, he has no idea what it is like to have responsibility for these bills. Is he even going to stay well enough to manage them?

If he stops paying your mortgage you will not know until it's to late. Any paperwork will go to the house. If your house ends up repossessed and your landlord wants to sell your house. Your credit will nose dive and you will find it extremely extremely difficult to get another rental property. Getting a mortgage will be impossible or extremely costly.

I feel your being caring because of his vulnerabilities, you feel bad but if your not extremely careful here you could lose absolutely everything yourself.

As much as you don't want to forcing the sale of the house would be the better option for you, yes you DH wouldn't get uc for a while but he would have money from the house sale to live on. Your risking your own financial future here. If you lose the house you lose your retirement security and the ability to buy another for at least 6 years.

When people talk about you losing the house, we are not talking about him having it. We are talking about your house being repossessed.

Someone has suggested calling woman's refuge, I would do this in your position. You need alot of support with this situation. I can see your trying to handle things as best you can, but your so desperate to leave that your own financial future and security is at risk.

OP I know you feel selfish, I know your being made to feel guilty and your trying not to look bad in all of this but your being gas lighted.

He clearly isn't accepting of help if he's cancelling MH support that isn't on you that's on him. Let the professionals help him now. Tbh I'd call ss myself aswell and let them know what's going on that way if your worried about you DD blaming you, you can say I didn't have a choice and they can speak to him aswell and make sure he never says anything like that ever again if they do let him stay around her.

Sell the house! Both rent separately.

And walk away, FFS.
Full stop.

Your making a severe mistake OP in moving out without putting house sell in motion.

1. He can just not pay the mortgage and either not inform you so you start going into arrears, or you do know and end up paying both.
2. He can run up several utility debts against the house.
3. He can trash it.

You will never be able to sell if you move now, you need to start the motion of forcing the sale. He's not your responsibility anymore your daughter is and her what sounds like main parental figure needs financial stability.

I get you need to get out but you need to think long term.

Most folks that kill themselves do not tell anyone that’s facts and not bloody dangerous. yes there are signs as I’ve already posted ffs. It’s hindsight and you’d most like wouldn’t stop them regardless. Sad all round.

plus his wife is not his therapist if he genuinely feels this way he needs to be referred by a professional and most folks that do have these feelings do not say in front an 8 year old either.

mental health is shamefully lacking in the medical field because of money
men and women are taught to suppress emotions a lot of the time but the tide is changing but it’s slow.