Separating-Husband threatening to kill himself

[AlwaysTheOneWaiting]

After years of misery I have finally found the courage to tell my husband I want to separate. He has mental health and severe health issues, the marriage has been dead for years and he's also emotionally abusive.

I have agreed to move out from the family home (owned with a mortgage) and find a rental. Based on the entitledto website he should be able to get UC and other help without my income.

I haven't found a rental place yet but he decided to apply for UC as we have now separated. At the end of the application it said he should increase his income through work. He got really stressed (he genuinely is too sick to work more than he does but hasn't been entitled to any help until now because I earn too much) and agitated and said he feels suicidal every day.

He then proceeded to tell he wants to kill himself in front of DD8.

Is he being serious? DD of course got really upset. He says he can't financially cope without me and that I should stay. I am not familiar with benefits and not sure why the entitledto website said he should be getting some help but yet he now claims he won't. My understanding was that he could start claiming now even though I still live here as we have separated.

Not sure what to do, other than that I can't keep living like this.

It's more that it's rarely the people like this who actually kill themselves. They're usually doing it for attention / blackmail purposes.

Regardless, it isn't the responsibility of the OP if he does decide to do anything stupid.

You say he won't, but how does a random person on the internet know that. I know two men that did after a bad breakup. Completely heartbreaking. I'm not saying op should stay but don't always think they won't and it's attention seeking sometimes it's not and the outcome is very sad.

So what do you suggest? (sorry, no 'tone' to a post, it's a question, not a criticism)
She cannot waste her life staying, and she cannot spend her time looking after her child, working full time and looking out for this man who is clearly manipulative.

Absolutely this.
He sounds like some manipulated.
your poor daughter.
Please let her school know.
You could call 101 and have it noted what he said and have a marker put on your number that you are trying to leave a toxic relationship.

He is behaving very badly of course but imagine he’s terrified. The benefits system might eventually provide for him but it can take a lot of effort for someone who’s already ill. PIP is notoriously difficult to get and he may have to go through an appeal process. He knows that the stress and effort is going to make him more ill.

I’m not defending his behaviour but as someone currently in bed at my elderly mother’s house, unable to get up and unable to claim benefits, I have some idea of why he’s acting as he is. It isn’t fair on either of you that there isn’t a proper safety net anymore. You were obviously not aware, and it seems that most people on MN aren’t aware that if you become ill, you won’t be looked after without a huge fight.

I would say don't tell him you are going to call the police if he does it again. You want it to be unexpected. If he doesn't see it coming it will be more of a shock to him when you do it and will show him you are no longer going to be manipulated by his threats. That gives you more power in this dynamic. I would recommend contacting citizens advice for accurate advice on the housing situation.

Definetly ring the police if he threatens it again, or a family member

My ex used to threaten to commit suicide frequently, he stopped when he was sending me messages saying he was going to jump off the quarry and kill himself..... and I forwarded them to his mum who rang him

He then rang me, hysterical with rage that I had embarressed him. Tried to say to his mum and me I was lying despite the fact I had screenshots 🤦‍♀️

He never threatened to kill himself again though

Generally speaking people who say they want to kill themselves actually don’t want to die, they just want things to change. I’m sure ending the relationship was a very difficult decision for you and that it took a long time for you to finally do it. Suicidal threats and gesturing is abusive and damaging to your daughter. It’s keeping you on the hook because you’ve let him stay in the family home and trying to sort out HIS benefits. Sorry you’re having to deal with this, he sounds highly manipulative.

Saying he’ll commit suicide is totally different to the ones that actual commit suicide as they tell no one. My friend did just that. In hindsight there were signs she was crying out but not an actual word of saying I’ll kill myself.

as I said before every time he says it or anyone for that matter says it phone the police for a welfare check.

@AlwaysTheOneWaiting if he says it again in front of your child tell him you’ll have to report him to SS as it’s emotional abuse.

now grey rock him for your own sanity

He needs to be out of the family home, not you and the children

"He needs to be out of the family home, not you and the children"

You appreciate that a single middle aged man, mentally & physically ill, unemployed and unemployable will struggle to find any sort of housing at all?

Private rented housing yes, but there are housing associations that will help. He sounds like he is in a very bad place, but its the child that needs prioritising in this situation.

"Saying he’ll commit suicide is totally different to the ones that actual commit suicide as they tell no one."

This is not true.

Expressing an intent to end your life is a significant risk factor for a completed suicide.

"Private rented housing yes, but there are housing associations that will help"

In theory.

In reality it can be very hard to access.

It's the reason for the big upsurge in rough sleeping. The vast majority of rough sleepers are mentally ill middle aged men who are estranged from their families.

PLEASE don't assume he won't do it because he's voiced it (as others have advised)!!! I did that and after an awful argument my partner did take his own life, living with that loss for the past 18 months is and will always be the hardest thing I've ever have to do!!

Its impossible to predict if he will or not, and its not helpful to OP to keep speculating. She needs to focus on herself and her daughter. She is not responsible for his behaviour or the choices he makes.

"He needs to be out of the family home, not you and the children"

You appreciate that a single middle aged man, mentally & physically ill, unemployed and unemployable will struggle to find any sort of housing at all?

And so OP has to prioritise him and his threats rather than the child. Has to stay because he can't cope financially? Or she has to rent, work full time and subsidise him financially, physically and mentally, too?
Let him have the house, because he can't maintain a tenancy, because how will she sell it and split proceeds?
She is already at the end of her tether and needing to separate.
He is not unemployed. He does some work.

Yep. They do this. Then almost immediately after saying they can't live without you, their c*ck falls into another woman. Amazing. This is a control tactic, because he knows he's loosing control of you so is bringing out the big guns. It's disgusting.

@Sevenwondersofthewoo

Saying he’ll commit suicide is totally different to the ones that actual commit suicide as they tell no one.

Obviously none of us know OP or her DH but what you've said here is a dangerous and outdated myth.

So much so that the Samaritans dedicate a section to this on their site.

They also have advice for people who know someone threatening suicide:

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/if-you-think-its-emergency/

Broadly speaking I agree with you, but if he does kill himself it will be damaging for his eight-year-old daughter.

But that is not within OP's control. And its not the worst potential outcome either.

Statistically speaking it’s more likely that the ex will harm the OP than himself.

this is a support thread so I won’t derail by expanding on that.

OP - safeguard yourself and your DD. The time for being considerate to a partner or ex partner is when they show the same consideration back.

He's manipulating you into staying with him. As harsh as this might sound but don't play into his hands. I would even say to him that you'll contact samaritians as you're concerned about his well being.

Ive struggled myself with mental health so trust me I understand it but you don't make someone stay with you it's not on or fair to do that to someone you love

Of course it would be damaging to your daughter if he does something but you can't be miserable in this marriage just so he doesn't do anything and it's not your fault if he did. He clearly needs help but you don't go about it like this.

Should I tell him if he does this again I will call the police as he's emotionally abusing DD

No you just tell him you are calling police 999 paramedics as he is clearly unwell and sui cidal
But you do not need to tell him just dial 999

If you saw someone on street about to jump you would call 999 while maybe approaching carefully

Don't bring dd into it

Chronic illness does put someone at an increased risk of completing suicide. I do think you need to support him to raise the alarm with medical professionals.

Have you much equity in the house? I’d be tempted to sell and split the proceeds as otherwise you could end up in a complex situation of co owning the property etc.

I find it alarming that he is either unaware or uncaring about how damaging it is to threaten suicide in front of his eight-year-old daughter. I would want to keep her away from him as much as possible because he's potentially a risk to her well-being.