Separating-Husband threatening to kill himself

[AlwaysTheOneWaiting]

After years of misery I have finally found the courage to tell my husband I want to separate. He has mental health and severe health issues, the marriage has been dead for years and he's also emotionally abusive.

I have agreed to move out from the family home (owned with a mortgage) and find a rental. Based on the entitledto website he should be able to get UC and other help without my income.

I haven't found a rental place yet but he decided to apply for UC as we have now separated. At the end of the application it said he should increase his income through work. He got really stressed (he genuinely is too sick to work more than he does but hasn't been entitled to any help until now because I earn too much) and agitated and said he feels suicidal every day.

He then proceeded to tell he wants to kill himself in front of DD8.

Is he being serious? DD of course got really upset. He says he can't financially cope without me and that I should stay. I am not familiar with benefits and not sure why the entitledto website said he should be getting some help but yet he now claims he won't. My understanding was that he could start claiming now even though I still live here as we have separated.

Not sure what to do, other than that I can't keep living like this.

I'm gobsmacked at how many flippant comments there are about how he's just saying it for control, people who say it don't do it! After spending the last 18 months grieving for my partner who (after saying several times he would) ended his own life after an argument, I can say wholeheartedly this is not something to be taken lightly!! I can't even begin to tell you how I beat myself up daily that i didn't take him seriously!!

I'm very sorry for what you've been through and I can only imagine how painful and stressful it is.
BUT, what can you do on someone threatens suicide? They've got you over a barrel, do you let them control you?

Had an ex that said the same thing.
Went like this HIM. I will kill myself if you leave me I mean it.
ME.ok go do it I'm not paying for your funeral by.
Saw him a few years ago our paths crossed some how he was with someone else and said oh hi how are you I replied with your still alive then i walked off.
Feel sorry for his partner if she's still with him.

@beergiggles I see where you're coming from and I understand people do say it and not mean it which is what I thought about my partner. I wish I'd voiced what he was saying to someone, his friends/family etc at the very least. Maybe more official channels too.

I am sorry this happened @ about.
You were not responsible

Julia Donaldson writes eloquently about this on her son Hamish
Of course telling someone is important but not always easy
And when ex began stabbing hinselfxwith kitchen knives etc in ftont of me etc it was " don't tell anyone! I don't want to be sectioned". Of course it was important to inform .but you do what you can at the time. You did what you could. And if he was insistent you could not save him

Wow this is hard op.
i don’t understand what you are thinking re the renting and leaving him in house - surely he would have to buy you out which he clearly can’t??? It sounds like you are just going to walk away from the property? Don’t do that. He needs to find a way to live without you propping up his finances.
Absolutely call the police so it’s logged if he does this again. Best of luck x

Is it not likely that his friends and family wouldn't want to be burdened by him either?
I'm not saying he doesn't deserve help and support, but if he's a very problematic person they may quite understandably be just as keen to cut him out of their lives as you were?

No, I wouldn’t leave him alone with your child. Many men threaten suicide as a means of control but as he has a history of mental illness his threats are definitely a risk. Saying it in front of his child is also abusive. He cannot use illness as an excuse to be abusive.
If you can move out asap, without telling him. Stay with family or friends but don’t give any lead up to it.

This. And it’s not that anyone should stay in a relationship or be manipulated by threats but they should contact authorities, as has been suggested, as it needs professional assessment.

Don't call 999 now call 111

Don't call 999 now call 111

If calling police non-emergency number the number is 101

111 is for the non emergency medical number.

Actively suicidal saying I am going to kill myself is emergency so 999

You must report the suicide threats and things he has said in front of the child. If u don't report, he is likely to get custody as he does most childcare and school pickups. I think u said he did. Xx

Most don’t they tell no one only in hindsight you notice signs as I said in my original post you took out of context.

also it isn’t on her to deal with though and needs reporting repeatedly

plus it’s an abusive tactic by abusers though to do this and to do so in front of a child is not on no matter how your feeling. You talk to others when a marriage is ending. Yes we do lash out but not this.

You need legal advice about the house OP. Don't move out until you have seen a solicitor.

He can't buy you out and you can't finalise a divorce with a huge portion of your assets tied up in the house. It will probably need to be sold, or you buy him out and he rents - whatever.

Your future life and financial wellbeing depend on getting a fair settlement. You can't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Thanks everyone, I feel overwhelmed by the positive repsonse here. When you're married to someone with a chronic illness it does put you into a rather awkward position as ultimately you're seen as the bad guy for even considering leaving. Unfortunately, being sick doesn't mean you can't be a dick, and the whole 'in sickness and in health' gets a whole new meaning. It's one of the reasons I have stuck around as long as I have (he was diagnosed in 2018) but in the end I just couldn't carry on anymore.

And I still need to read through all the responses.

But I feel very grateful, thank you.

Threatening suicide because someone is leaving is all about control. They are desperate to cling onto control and this is how low people like this go. All this behaviour should do is strengthen the reasons why you should leave.

Just because someone WAS suicidal but is still alive, does NOT make them controlling!!! What a vile generalisation, wow! I've been suicidal for years and have shared that with a couple of close people - one of whom was an ex. I absolutely am NOT controlling in any way. Please don't say such things.

@AlwaysTheOneWaiting He said that in front of your 8yr old DD? My god that's appalling. Please keep her away from him for the foreseeable future. That's unhinged

Let's not trivialise or mock those who are suicidal please. That's not cool in the slightest

@Sevenwondersofthewoo for the record when folks kill themselves they tell no one.

Absolute fucking nonsense and dangerous nonsense at that. Reported

Thanks again everyone.
I managed to leave work early yesterday so could pick her up. Also doing the school run today and tomorrow. Not sure yet what to do next week. Also spoke to her teacher and she's checking if their pastoral team has capacity to support her.

I have had legal advice and I wouldn't lose my right to the house if I left. He wouldn't be able to afford rent, the mortgage is much cheaper (cheaper than renting a room in our city!) and he wouldn't get any help towards the rent as we have some equity in the house. Initially I wanted the sell and split assets but he was very much against it and would also make it very difficult. Also, it would take months and months and I just can't live like this much longer.

He thinks it's all my fault and he snapped the other night because I was pushing him to fill in the UC application. But if I leave it for him to sort out it would just take months and months and he wouldn't get anything done.

His mental health team are great and he would have had an appointment with a psychologist at the hospital yesterday but he cancelled it. So frustrating when he clearly needs any help he can get.

THIS!!!!!!!!!

@Sevenwondersofthewoo You should be ashamed of yourself.......

@AlwaysTheOneWaiting You won’t lose your property right to the house but it will be impossible to get him out and if he is the primary carer (or does more care of DD than you as works less), and the house is DD’s home, it puts him in a stronger position to claim it’s her family house, that he should get a larger slice of the equity, they he should get more of her time and you should pay for it all. Please think very carefully before you do this, make sure you are doing lion’s share of care of DD (pay someone if necessary if you can afford it, WFH, do whatever it takes).

His ability or otherwise to pay rent is not your problem. Can you remortgage and buy him out?