Separating-Husband threatening to kill himself

[AlwaysTheOneWaiting]

After years of misery I have finally found the courage to tell my husband I want to separate. He has mental health and severe health issues, the marriage has been dead for years and he's also emotionally abusive.

I have agreed to move out from the family home (owned with a mortgage) and find a rental. Based on the entitledto website he should be able to get UC and other help without my income.

I haven't found a rental place yet but he decided to apply for UC as we have now separated. At the end of the application it said he should increase his income through work. He got really stressed (he genuinely is too sick to work more than he does but hasn't been entitled to any help until now because I earn too much) and agitated and said he feels suicidal every day.

He then proceeded to tell he wants to kill himself in front of DD8.

Is he being serious? DD of course got really upset. He says he can't financially cope without me and that I should stay. I am not familiar with benefits and not sure why the entitledto website said he should be getting some help but yet he now claims he won't. My understanding was that he could start claiming now even though I still live here as we have separated.

Not sure what to do, other than that I can't keep living like this.

Which is why you call 999 rather than rushing to their aid.

You'll have to sort out childcare. If he moved away you would ditto if he died.

I didn't say op should stay... for the record these men cried for help which everyone said the same thing they won't do it before they went quiet and were found dead.

Mine said the same, another one still alive and kicking, he soon stopped when i didn't entertain it 🙄

UC won't pay the mortgage.

He will need to find a rental, but he may find that hard without a job.

If there is equity in the house and you split it, and his share is over 6K he won't get UC (or he'll get UC at a seriously reduced rate) until his savings have been run down to 6K.

He'll need to claim LCW (limited capability for work and work related activity). Does he get PIP? If not he should start his claim now.

Honestly it sounds like he needs a social worker to help him with all this.

Can’t he move into a room share? This would be more affordable

I cannot see how he thinks he can treat you like trash and then expect you to stay with him for financial reasons that only benefit him. If he loved his daughter he would move out and let her live at her home with no upheaval.
If he's said that about your DD then I think you have a very strong case for not letting him have contact with her.
I'd report that to SS if I were you.
If he does kill himself which I very much doubt it isn't your responsibility. It's all on him.

He is following the "selfish prick" script.

Ex said exactly the same. Actually rang me up "when he was walking to the train station to kill himself". "Oh, ok" was my response and put the phone down.

Sadly, 14 years later, he is still a millstone around people's necks with his selfishness. Though long gone from my neck thankfully

Agree with others he sounds like a manipulator and this proves you're right to split up. However how can you support your DD in the aftermath of what he said?
She will be terrified he was being truthful so you need to assure her he wasn't but also make clear he is very naughty to say something like this in front of people who love him (ie. Both of you). He's clearly trying to get her on side and make her feel sorry for him which she is bound to, but don't let her think you're the bad guy and he's the dumped broken hearted innocent. She needs to know this is bad behaviour, and is selfish to not consider hers and your feelings.

Your DD needs some support - let the school know what is happening, what he said, and ask if there's any counselling available for her. You could also talk to your GP about your concerns.
Your priority right now should be to get out, and make alternative childcare plans for your DD.

My mother did this to us kids from when we were about 9/10 She was sectioned a few times. Serious mental health problems stemming from her child hood. She even tried to hang herself outside my brothers bedroom on his 16th birthday. He opened his door to her and found her setting it up. ( we are both NC with her)

My ex also said he was going to drive his car in to a wall. That came about when we were discussing divorce settlements.

Both are still alive and kicking.

OP, do not ever be blackmailed by someone who threatens to kill themselves 💐

That sounds like an awful situation for you and your daughter to be in .

Your priority has to be you and your daughter and you do need to protect yourself and her from his emotionally abusive behaviour .

On the basis of the weekly support he is receiving it does look like his mental health problems are acute . However it is not on you to protect him when he is making the home environment unsafe for you and your daughter .
All you can do is contact the appropriate authorities to keep them advised of the current situation .
If you have any contact details for any support he has , whether Psychiatrist, community psychiatric nurse or social worker you should contact them and update them on the situation .
Is there any other family/ friends that he could move to ?
I think as others have said it will be difficult for you if he stays in the house as you will not be able to purchase another property and there will be no incentive for him to leave . What about your daughter's schooling are you willing to have her move schools if you aren't able to get any suitable accommodation locally ?
Will you be relying on him to meet the mortgage payments or even contribute towards them ? If so how are going to ensure that he does ?

Are you able to contact woman's aid in your area to check what they would advise you to do /signpost you to other services ?

Mental health services are sadly chronically in

Sorry hit post in error -
Cont

Mental health services are chronically underfunded and I am not sure how easy it would be for your husband to find alternative accommodation with e.g the support of social services . It may be that he is only offered temporary accomodation which may not be ideal for him .
Are you able to afford a suitable private rental ? If not you may also find yourself in temp accommodation. This would be far from ideal for you and your daughter too .

It may be that you have to have this conversation with social services and to check if it is easier to rehouse him rather than you and your child .

I hope that you and your daughter get something sorted out soon .

^^This.
What a b@#£&rd saying that in front of your 8 year old dd.
I would have kicked him out then and there. I would also be seriously worried he’d harm your dd as a way of getting his own back on you. I certainly wouldn’t be leaving her alone with him, he’s being manipulative and abusive to her.

Thanks everyone for the repsonses. I will read them properly later.
Just wanted to say sorry to hear that so many of you have been in a similar situation through their (ex)spouse, parent or someone else.

And all those exes, parents etc, are still alive to this day. He's bullshitting you and your daughter in the most disgraceful way.

Look up grey rock OP.

That is a common emotional abuse tactic employed to get a partner not to leave.

Also double check you will get universal credit if you have a share of a house you are not living in. It might be different on UC but when it was tax credits and I left an abusive ex because I owned a house I didn't live in it meant I was entitled to nothing. You have to live in the house for it not to be counted as a source of income even when you get no income from it and are liable for the mortgage. Hopefully I'm out of date but that was a horrendous time in my life

I was in a relationship with someone who weaponised their mental health in this way too. I left anyway. He didn’t kill himself.

I have quite an extreme view: if someone threatens to kill themselves in order to manipulate a loved one, they deserve to die. So let it go and crack on with your plans to leave.

Don’t worry about his threats of suicide. He shouldn’t be your problem now. And honestly, he needs to move out, not you and your DD. Keep calling the police every time he threatens anything, and tell him to move out.

I would also rethink letting him stay in the family home, are you planning for him to just take over the mortgage payments? Or will he buy you out completely (from what you've said this seems unlikely). What would happen if he falls behind on the payments?

As others have said, UC is easier to obtain when renting, and if you can afford the mortgage alone that would seem to be the safest option.

That's without factoring in the emotional abuse and his instability, which is enough to kick him out alone.

I'm surprised that so many people here are assuring the OP her severely mentally ill ex won't kill himself.

Her ex's circumstances make him a high risk for suicide.

She's not responsible for this, but will absolutely be affected by the fallout if it happens, as will her child, and his & her family & friends.

The ex needs to be under community mental health services.

I think you should be blunt with him. Let him know that threatening suicide - or even mentioning it, in front of kids is never ok. He is likely to damage your child’s mental health with that kind of language. If you ever hear him discuss suicide again, you will immediately call the police to go and do a welfare check on him. (And follow up if you need to.)

If have a chat with him with DD is not there, and make it clear that next time he does that you will be calling 999 and if he does it in front of dd again you will report to social services to have an assessment if she is safe. Try and put a rocket up him. Try to detach yourself and stay calm x

Maybe he will, maybe he won't. You are not responsible for another person's actions. Letting police and mental health services know is wise, but how awful to put this burden on you. Please don't let it become your problem. It's very common for manipulative people to say this.

This is excellent advice. Do this