How can you tell the difference between being too needy and having the wrong people in your life?

[Fortheloveof83]

When is it a case of expecting too much and when is the case that those in your life aren’t capable of meeting your needs and your needs are healthy. I can’t tell anymore.

My mum is ND so is my partner and his mum. I feel lost currently.

It can be a bit of both, I find. Your main concern should always be your own self-worth and boundaries. What sort of issues are you feeling unsupported with? And do the people involved have a lot going on in their own lives? It's a difficult one to quantify.

With everything really. I don’t seem to have the relationships in my life where I can get any of my needs met. I haven’t got any close emotional relationships if that makes sense. My mum it feels in her autism abandoned me (dramatic I know because she couldn’t help it) my partner thinks I’m annoying and his mother agrees with him. I don’t think Im annoying for example if I sometimes feel overwhelmed being alone all day with a screaming toddler. Or the other day I broke a toe and I wanted some bloody sympathy but apparently that’s too needy and I should just get on with it. I’m not an idiot and I’m quite capable but sometimes I just need some connection.

I agree with previous poster I think it totally depends on the situation, I also think it depends on the kind of relationship you have with the person and what that other person has going on in their lives at the time (so how much time/capacity they have to give).

How about focusing on making friends. Particularly mum friends, which I found the easiest to do when my child was smaller as there are lots of mum groups about before they head to nursery.

You cannot pick your family so I have accepted that my mum is not emotionally available and has never been but I have also focused on the stuff she can give me - which is usually her time (she’s a terrible listener though!) but always up for babysitting and organising stuff.

As for your partner, I guess you picked him so maybe keep telling him what you need. My partner isn’t always as sympathetic as he could be but I always remind him that I need him to do x. He does the same and we compromise.

People are people, you can’t change them. You can change you and your surroundings though.

Good luck x

@Fortheloveof83 that's tough, sorry about your toe! Your partner does not sound very loving. It's so hard in the toddler years, and can be isolating, I would go to any toddler groups and just push on with people til you find someone to be friends with?

My mum also isn't equipped to give me the relationship I need from her, like yours by the sound of it, so I've had to pull right back. I protect myself now, I get advice from good friends and google, I keep her at arms length. Even though I love her, she causes pain. Eventually that will heal a bit.

Could you access counselling/ therapy? Privately is expensive, but it can be through the NHS if you can stand the waitlist. Having that space to talk to a neutral person can be so, so healing. And would definitely help you work out if it's you, or them to hats the problem 💕 you deserve to be listened to.

Agree with the 2 pps, saying it is difficult to quantify, but I would also agree that emotional support often comes from friends. This would seem to be even more needed if your partner is incapable of offering what you need.

Sorry about your toe! Bet that hurts

How many times do people say of their partners, that when they met, there was an instant familiarity? Sometimes it's because they display traits of their parents, so it is familiar as they have grown up with it. Unfortunately, it can be a good or a bad thing depending on the trait. In this case, you are with someone ND, however NT yourself, quite possibly you were comfortable with it to start with as your mother was.
Your expectations of support at times you need it - such as a broken toe - are probably reasonable, but they don't get it, possibly never will. It's up to you to decide if that is something you can live with. Does the fact they have reasons for being unsupportive make the lack of it any more bearable?
Your outlet is to form your own friendships. Having a toddler is a good opportunity to connect with other mothers. Get out and about with your DC and bond with others for support, as you could be on a hiding to nothing looking for support from your immediate family.

I dont really think of adults as having any needs that need meeting, so I am not sure what it is you are expecting?

I can't get my head round this.

how do you view adult relationships? Is it a transactional thing for you?

Yeah exactly. If I'd broken my toe, DH would probably laugh at whatever ridiculous way I had done it. He might ask if I needed any painkillers, check I could still drive, but certainly not offer emotional support - I can't even imagine what that would be. My perfectly normal mum would say oh dear! Then laugh and tell me about someone she knows who had done worse.. Being needy is by definition needing a particular response from someone else. There's no way you can demand a particular response from someone.
You have to be able to nurture yourself and it's a bonus if someone else naturally supports you in a way you find helpful.

sorry, I dont understand the question.

I don't have any "needs" that I look to other people to meet.

I don’t seem to have the relationships in my life where I can get any of my needs met. I haven’t got any close emotional relationships if that makes sense. My mum it feels in her autism abandoned me (dramatic I know because she couldn’t help it) my partner thinks I’m annoying and his mother agrees with him.

Well, you didn't choose your mother, and unfortunately many of us had/have parents who can't meet our emotional needs. However, you say you don't have any relationships where you feel your needs are met, and that's more concerning, as we choose our romantic/sexual partners and our friends. Why did you choose, and choose to remain in a relationship with someone who can't or won't meet your needs, and thinks you're 'annoying'? Don't you have friends who can support you if necessary?

I do think, however, that you need to take some responsibility, not only for forging relationships that you find fulfilling, but also meeting your own needs. For instance, if being a SAHM with a toddler isn't making you happy (which I can entirely understand, if you are in that position), why not change that? Return to work? Or if you're working PT, move up to FT? What can you do for yourself to help your situation?

Yeah laugh afterwards but not when your partner is crying in pain I would hope. I got nothing, no do you want painkillers or can you drive just blank nothing. Surely we all have relationships to form some kind of connection where we each meet each others needs. I mean intimately, safety etc etc. If someone’s dies you’d expect your partner to offer love and support or if you’ve had a hard day you’d expect love etc or am I totally wrong.

@HarridansOfUsAll I don’t feel like this all the time. I love looking after her, I am part of toddler groups and work part time. Sometimes I’ve had a hard day, she has been teething and screaming all day and I just want some connection instead I get a oh I hard a hard day, or mine was worse or nothing. In return I offer my support and empathy when it’s needed. Is it needy to want your partner to let you have some time for a bath or to just listen and understand.

I'm with you OP, but I find a lot of people on MN don't understand friendship.

I'm sorry you're in pain, FWIW, and in real life I would offer a shoulder to cry on or practical help. But my friendships haven't thrived....someone here said, it's like having lots of friendship love to give and no one wants it.

I don't think you sound needy.

I’m just never certain whether I’m asking too much or I’m asking the wrong people. @EmeraldRoulette I have one friend in particular who thinks a lot like me so that’s nice.

Are they normal expectations? Basically, if most people would expect them and most people do them, then they're reasonable expectations and not needy.

It really sucks when your emotional needs aren't met. One solution would be to make good friends who can fill that gap if the other people close to you can't.

Can you talk to your partner/mum? Explain how you feel, give concrete examples when you did x and y and how it made them feel and explain that you need the same. You want to feel the same.

Do they show they care in any other way?

Do you think you can live like this, knowing this is it?

If you feel worse when people ARE there than when they are NOT there, then it's probably them, not you.

Well, as one of the neurodivergent, I can tell you what I have (slowly and painfully) learned over the years

H prefers it if I stop reading when he comes in and wants to talk to me
When he has a more-than-vaguely-trivial injury he wants me to help deal with it
...and then he'd like me to ask about it for the next couple of weeks
If he's doing something important to him he wants me to ask how it went
physical touch is very important

Basically just Being There in a way a housemate might not?

Maybe you don't think these things are important? you should know that a lot of people do.
Or maybe you don't think they need discussing because you've never experienced the lack of them?

I would expect that yes but if you would too,why are you settled down with a kid by him? Has he changed? Have you? You don't have to be in a relationship they makes you unhappy

So whilst in enough physical pain to being tears to your eyes, you'd think it appropriate for your DH to just laugh?

When DS was born he nearly died, several times. We were both absolutely emotionally devastated. I can't imagine someone who purported to love me to tell me that I have no emotional needs that need tending to outside of my inner self and that emotionally this is a total separate thing for us to get through

?

how are these needs?

this is a list of behaviours someone enjoys from their partner, but not needs in any way.

So are you saying emotional needs such as the need to be respected, loved and listened to by your partner are optional?

They aren’t optional. They are basic human ‘needs’

No they are not, I don't have and don't want a partner, and don't "need" any of that. Noone "needs" any of that. they may enjoy it and prefer to have it over not having it. (I definitely prefer NOT to have it) but it is not in any way a "need".

I can't get my head around any adult calling these things "needs" and expecting anyone else to to feel obliged to provide them

But if you are in a relationship with a partner there are things that you need from them otherwise it can be really damaging to you.

of course you can survive and live well without a partner, but if you do have one then you want to be treated well.

Needs seem really tied in with boundaries to me

OP it sounds like your partner is dismissive of you to me and i would find that really difficult.