How can you tell the difference between being too needy and having the wrong people in your life?

[Fortheloveof83]

When is it a case of expecting too much and when is the case that those in your life aren’t capable of meeting your needs and your needs are healthy. I can’t tell anymore.

My mum is ND so is my partner and his mum. I feel lost currently.

Why are you with this arsehole?
Much less having children with him?
You are not needy, but you have chosen poorly.
You deserve better.

I don't have and don't want a partner
If you don't want a partner, and don't have one, then that's fine.
Many people do want to have a partner, e.g. to have and raise children with.
People who do have a partner normally find it unpleasant if the partner is disrespectful, uncaring and ignores what they say. People wanting partners thus usually look for someone offering respect, love and attention, in return for the same. No-one is obliged to offer these things, but if you don't offer them, you might not get/keep a partner. No-one needs these things to live their lives, but they need them to live happy lives with a partner.

Some of us have not gone through life unscathed. I suffered a sexual assault unfortunately so there are particular needs that a partner needs to take on board. These are things would be considered normal. I don’t understand how someone can say they have no needs whatsoever.

I suppose my biggest need to thrive is to feel safe with a partner.

@cannonballz "I can't get my head around any adult calling these things "needs" and expecting anyone else to to feel obliged to provide them"

I don't think anyone here is saying that someone should be "obliged"

For me, it's a case of "if they are not bringing warmth and kindness to the table, they don't get a seat".

@Fortheloveof83 If you are not getting any of this from your partner, then I have to ask if it's right for you. What was he like at the start? Would you be happier without him?

Do you feel cherished and respected by your DP, and safe? I definitely have those needs, it took me to in my mid forties to find a DP who clearly cares…others just took without giving me even crumbs back, and I was so insecure I put up with it. You need to talk clearly about how you personally would like a relationship to be - if your DP doesn’t take it on board, that’s then a big issue.
I’m glad you have one friend who “gets” you, that must help.
Also - I have Aspergers’ and know I get it wrong with my adult children at times, but I care about them deeply and if they ever tacked to me about what they were needing I would definitely take it on board.

(My DP now, he’d have given me a cuddle if I wanted one in the moment of breaking my toe, immediately get painkillers, discuss my driving requirements for the next week and what he could do instead, probably make the dinner and generally be Solicitous and supportive…because he loves me. He’d also laugh if it was a funny situation and I was laughing too.)

Does he actively make you feel unsafe or does the lack of care makes you feel unsafe

"Yeah exactly. If I'd broken my toe, DH would probably laugh at whatever ridiculous way I had done it."

That's really awful. What's the point of being with somebody like that?

OH would also laugh first. Then offer practical support, fuss and some sympathy , then laugh some more.

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat I think the lack of understanding makes me feel invisible. I felt invisible throughout all my childhood. I know it’s not from lack of wanting to, our brains just don’t seem to be wired the same. I start to wonder if I’ve got a problem and I’m faulty somehow for thinking about things so differently.

I honestly don't think you are. The vast majority of people feel the need to be "seen" at the very least. Then comfort,support,connection,respect,love.

You just haven't found the people to give you that.

Neither did I until I met OH. In fact , I was so baffled by it I broke up with him twice because I didn't know what to do with him. Having MY needs met had never been a priority for anyone in my life until then.

@Fortheloveof83 you are not faulty 💐

Thanks for the kind words. I am 40 now, I’ve tried for a very long time to hide these needs. The craving for a loving supportive family and to feel seen. I’ve flit between I’m normal to I’m too needy so push the needs away. But they don’t they just come back up as soon as they get triggered. It’s hard when everyone around you thinks you’re weird. I’ve no way of measuring whether I’m right or wrong as there is no balance in my life. Every pillar in my family seems to be ND and im
pretty sure I’m not, I’m the weird emotional one.

Just because they are ND doesn't mean they can't be twats and selfish.

I bet they have emotional needs. I also bet they put those needs first and that you also attend to those needs.

If there's a strong genetic link, don't assume you're not ND simply because you have emotions. I work with kids and some of them with ND are highly emotional, have strong emotional needs and they are also extremely empathetic and considerate.

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat I hadn’t really thought of it like that. My mum is extremely sensitive to rejection (I’m a bit like that also) my partner is sweet but he’s very black and white. His mum I’m unsure about, she just seems very black and white to the point she is quite rude. It’s like it’s her way and has absolutely no time for another persons opinion. She is extremely dismissive and just will stop talking if she isn’t interested. If it’s not what she wants to do will simply not entertain it. It’s impossible to make any connection with her. My partner does try but I can tell he doesn’t understand. My mum will just turn victim asap.

It might be that you will have to teach your partner how to respond, with concrete examples. Tell him how it makes you feel when he asks how you are and how it makes you feel when he ignores you. Link it with his own experiences if possible. Like if he was ever hurt or ill, what did you do,how did you react, how it made him feel. How it would've felt if you did x instead(what he does)? Tell him exactly what you need, which I know it seems awkward and pointless and like he's doing it only because you told him to. But, if he is willing to, he can learn and eventually it could become habit.

Talk to him about what he could do to show concern and care , even if it's not what you expect. You can reach a compromise. It can be worked on if he is willing to put the work in and you are willing and able (because this type of conversation will make your feelings you're needy 100 times worse) to communicate to such a level.

I'd give up on your mum and his mum, particularly his mum. You're flogging a dead horse there, especially since she doesn't have any emotional investment to make her try.

@cannonballz

They are not basic human needs, but they are the basic needs for a healthy relationship.

@Fortheloveof83

Who do you want to be? A person who gets it right, or your true self? If you want to be your true self, then respect your needs, and find others who respect them too. If you want to be a person who gets it right, who do you defer to? Who tells you who you should be?

@Watchkeys Ive no idea how to answer your question. I’m so lost in the way I feel. I’m just surrounded by people it feels who can’t/wont/don’t know how to meet any of my needs. I end up ignoring them and then eventually have a tantrum and then it’s oh look at “Kate” she’s a bit needs/crazy. I’m not a robot and just ignoring any of the needs I want doesn’t appear to work. I also can’t make people care about the way I want. I’m worried it’s me and I’ll sabotage things and hit the same issue because I shouldn’t have these needs.

Ok, back to basics: can you list these needs? Let's actually find out why you think there's something wrong with you. There isn't, but there must be a reason why you think there is.

You're mostly spending time with people who would make me uncomfortable, it sounds like.

And/or you're trying to get blood out of stones.

It seems like something needs to be done about that.

Someone started a thread asking if anyone found themselves sitting in silence at family meals out.

Quite a few people said yes and IIRC a few were fine with that.

I mostly stopped going to them because either nothing gets said - or everyone was staring at me, expecting me to be the instigator of conversation.

Is that your situation?

It used to remind me of that Mark Ronson song with the lyric "by the count of 10 ....I want to see somebody human".

I'm single and it is much easier to spend time alone than it is to spend time with people like that.

How much time do you have to spend with your mum and your partners mum? It sounds like you might not be ready to address the partner issue but I am wondering what he was like in the beginning. A lot of people pretend to be someone else in the beginning though!

I don’t know. I need those I love to actually make an effort to know me to take an interest, which they can’t as they are ND and only seem interested in their own things. They laugh at me because I’m a little hippy like. They think the things are like are nonsense or not useful. They get angry at me when I express something and it’s not particularly nice. For example I don’t like people walking into my house and not greeting me, I think it’s rude. They just don’t bother. None of them will listen to me. They either shut down the conversation, laugh it off, ignore me. They think I’m ridiculous and dramatic. I am bothered when I voice something and it’s totally dismissed. Who I am to them is stupid, pointless, invisible, dramatic etc etc. I’ve taken on this voice.

I don't understand this. Of course adults have needs - for connection, support, closeness. Not everyone's needs are the same, but we all have some needs.

as adults, we are responsible for ourselves. Noone else is responsible for us

@Fortheloveof83 the behaviour you describe in this post just makes them sound unkind and unthinking, whether they are ND or not.

@cannonballz I agree that as adults we are responsible for ourselves, but we also all have needs, whether that is for support, connection, company, someone to talk to, a hug, whatever it is.