How can you tell the difference between being too needy and having the wrong people in your life?

[Fortheloveof83]

When is it a case of expecting too much and when is the case that those in your life aren’t capable of meeting your needs and your needs are healthy. I can’t tell anymore.

My mum is ND so is my partner and his mum. I feel lost currently.

How could you be a bad person when it is so clear you are so unreasonably hard and unkind to yourself?
Re read how kind and loving you are as a mother towards your precious daughter.
She is so lucky to have you.
How about turning a little of that kindness inwards?
It would be wonderful for your daughter to see the example of her own mother being loving and kind towards herself.
Her mother modeling a sense of her own self worth.

@pikkumyy77 I’ve let it sink in for a bit and I understand what people have been telling me. I’ve connected love and self worth with other people’s opinion. I’ve leaned to squash myself and please others to get this. Which is fake and I’ve been so uncomfortable in my own skin. I can’t make others like me in order to boost my self worth. They like me out of choice and I’m worth it but not entitled to receive it. I walk from those who don’t see my inherent self worth. Other people have their own issues unconnected to me and I can’t fix it in order to feel better. If I don’t fit I don’t fit and that’s not down to a fault in me. It’s a lot to let settle in.

People pleasing is a type of coercion.
Do things out of the goodness of your heart because it pleases you, not because you expect something in return, that way lies continual disappointment and frustration.

Work on looking after yourself and making your own self happy. Ironically, by being a bit more “selfish” people will like you more.

People want to be around happy positive people, prioritise making your own self happy.

It’s very simple, don’t over complicate it.

@Looblyloo yes you are right. I don’t tend to have issues with friends. Most of the people I know outside of family are a little like me. We compliment and help each other. I get stuck with family and partners. I got stuck with my MIL thinking she could be the mum I didn’t have. That’s my fault but it’s not my fault she is a cold hard …..

I do it out of good intentions, I don’t want anything in return really just love but I understand now im not entitled to it.

My mum it feels in her autism abandoned me

As an autistic mum, I’m sad to hear this. Can you give some examples?

@HebburnPokemon Im only talking from my own experience. Mum is autistic with trauma so I think that makes a huge difference. She couldn’t connect to me emotionally. I think she was so consumed with her own problems (couldn’t make friends, no one understood her in her family), she had terrible rejection sensitivity. She was not self aware at all. She didn’t know about the autism so she had no idea that what she was doing was wrong for us. She still has no awareness of her trauma or how that affected me and my bro and dad. It was an awful childhood despite the holidays etc.

Maslow’s hierarchy?

nobody is responsible for proving these things for you

Sarcasm?

If not sarcasm, your words read very hollow with a touch of petulance.

Do you love yourself? Do you care for yourself?

I don’t think you have digested what was said to you at all.
There is a stubborn unwillingness and it reads like you are rigidly set in your ways with no real interest in change. It’s like you are stuck in a loop.

There is a doorway out, if you are interested in using it.

Some people however, are sort of “institutionalized” in their mental cell and quite happy in their misery. That’s a choice.

In which ways can you heal and rehabilitate yourself?

@cannonballz can you use your reasoning to explain to a person who suffered a childhood of emotional neglect where exactly do you think you learn this from?
Who teaches a young child that her feelings matter if not for your primary caregiver? Am I supposed to just reach adulthood knowing these things like a switch it turns on?

@Looblyloo sorry I don’t understand. I’m not being sarcastic. I did it for love because no I don’t/didn’t love myself. That I am having to learn. Yes I understand it’s a type of coercion for love when it needs to be given willingly. That is the cycle I’ve been in and I’m not saying that it is right. I’ve not been malicious and there was no malicious intent but it’s incredible unhealthy.

When I say best intentions I meant that it’s my partners mum and she is important to
my partner and I wanted us to get along.

Anyway I’ve contacted the GP this morning for a referral to have a look at what’s going on (bit scared of the mess they’ll discover) I suspect trauma or c-ptsd or ND or a combination. It’s the black and white thinking I struggle with. Whether that’s the thinking left from my childhood as it’s quite childlike or the ND. I can’t really comprehend the complexity of people and find I need to settle on a right or wrong answer. My daughter’s headmaster had told me today also that she has spent time with her and will be putting in a referral for some SEN support. She has said she suspects ADHD. I thought this also.

A diagnosis will, hopefully, give you a signpost towards further growth.

I hope so because I can see my thinking and some of my behaviours aren't quite the “norm” or the most healthy. It was perhaps understandable along time ago but not so anymore, time to reflect and evolve! 🤞 I think once you see the pattern there is no going back. I want to be happy.

OP just wanted to say I totally get where you are coming from. When I read your comments the similarity to my story is uncanny. Same issue with emotionally neglectful parents.

There was a comment about being institutionalised mentally. It’s totally understandable as patterns of thinking are literally biologically wired in as a result of treatment in childhood so extremely difficult to breakout of. I would say I drift in and out of my cell. In times of stress I’m back in my mental cell but other times I can take a step out the door.

OP meant to say some of the commentators (not all) are perhaps a bit harsh with their delivery of their comments. I’m sure they mean well and are trying to help but don’t feel like you have to justify your posts too much 😀

@Newbeginning12 thanks so much. I am really hard on myself. It’s hard to see the wood for the trees I realise it’s glaring to others so they must get frustrated. I see it like an onion and it takes time to peel back. I can tell you one thing though and that’s that I want to do the best I can to unpeel as I want to reduce the level of pain I get myself in. My first strep is to except the grey and the complexity.

Can you actually think your way into changing biological thinking? If that makes sense? Because I find it automatic.

Yes there have been neurological studies about encoding of memories, experiences etc and these do take on a physical form in the brain. That’s why it is not that easy to get out of the mental jail you can find yourself in and it’s hard to cognitively ‘think’ your way out of it. I’ve had a fair bit of therapy which has definitely helped in some way but looking more into somatic therapy now to help me further.

I have this feeling that I’ve been brought up with black and white thinkers. As a young teenager and young adult I was a black sheep and bullied. I met my husband who abused me because I’m pretty sure he was a black and white thinker. I put my behaviours into practice and thought I was wrong so tried to please him. I’m surrounded now by black and white thinkers and again I’m trying to please them into accepting me. I always try and lay fault and almost always lay the blame with myself when all I need to do is accept we are different and move on physically or understand the relationship will only be civil and shallow. I can’t force or please people into my thinking. I think underneath I’m not a black and white thinker but have learnt to adapt it or die. It’s a lesson I keep finding myself in and not learning!

Can I just say what an amazing week I’ve had. I’ve suffered with chronic fatigue for around 5 years now slowest getting really bad. This week has been amazing, so much energy, I even went on a bike ride. I’ve started looking people in the face when I talk to them.

What an amazing concept it was to learn that I am worthy. People that don’t/want/can’t see that can go by, I don’t need to prove it.
I’ve even started to feel less angry at my mum. She did the best she could do but I can do better! Thank you.

Beautiful insights! Go forth and slay, Queen!

I’m also bored sat on my own. I thought I didn’t need people because I don’t like people. Well that’s because certain people let me down. I’ve decided I’d like to meet people now because I’m worth having friends who are nice and I can be nice too. I feel better.