How can you tell the difference between being too needy and having the wrong people in your life?

[Fortheloveof83]

When is it a case of expecting too much and when is the case that those in your life aren’t capable of meeting your needs and your needs are healthy. I can’t tell anymore.

My mum is ND so is my partner and his mum. I feel lost currently.

It depends. I wouldn’t say that to a family member (although I would go NC with some if they were toxic) but if it’s a partner yes. And no, it’s not selfish.

A partner is optional and you get to choose them, so they should be adding to your life. Same goes for friends. why should you just have dead weight in your life? I get there are ups and downs but if someone is just consistently providing nothing what’s the point?

And usually partners who aren’t adding to someone’s life, are actually taking away from someone’s life. Because you’re wasting time and energy on them when it could spent on you and the right person or just you alone.

I have an older child from a previous relationship who is being assessed currently. It’s draining me, the emotional meltdowns and the tip toeing around her all the time to avoid conflict is taking its toll. I feel like I’m pouring from an empty cup and there is no one pouring into mine. I’m getting tired and I think it’s making me think worse about everything. My partner currently being ND thinks very black and white about my daughter. It’s way more complicated than he can seem to understand so it’s all falling into me and I have no external family support. I just really want some “water” really but I’m surrounded by quite selfish people for one reason or another.

Oh and my daughter’s biological father is a waste of space and an abusive arse unfortunately so there is no support for her there.

Just ignore that comment!

You haven’t done anything wrong trying to figure out why you feel unhappy and why you have always felt invalidated and emotionally neglected. You were emotionally neglected! Therapists see this kind of situation every day. You should go to therapy, as others have said, to learn how to re-parent and repair yourself.

This is all coming up right now because you have a child, a very special person in your care who you want to love and support. It is throwing into relief the emotional neglect you suffered as a child.

This period of early motherhood is ehen a lot of people realize how angry they feel over their abysmal treatment by parents and partners. Its easy to be believe “people treat me badly because I’m defective” but it becomes horrifying and angering to realize that this is how they treated you as an innocent, joyful, baby.

Don’t try to plug the gap with mum friends. You can tell by some of the unsympathetic comments here that English culture is very uncomfortable with the idea that people outside ghe family would share or dump emotional needs on them.

Get therapy. Look into books like “Surviving the Emotionally Immature Parent” and Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving for ways of dealing with the internal pain and shame caused by growing up in an invalidating childhood environment.

Another great book is Running In Empty: Surviving a Childhood of Emotional Neglect.

Your ND partner may simply not be up to the task. You can’t improve him. You can only decide whether to keep him or jettison him back into the wild.

This is my point: you can do those things for yourself. I did actually hug myself, once, believe it or not, and I laughed and cried at the same time, as the realisation dawned on me: I am responsible for me. This means that if I need a certain type of attention from someone, and I'm not getting it, I either have to give it to myself, or find a different 'someone'.

What if the basis for all your troubles is those around you, and you are wonderful and don't need to do or change anything about yourself? What if you are great as you are, and you are surrounded by people who don't suit you? What if the problem isn't you?

@Fortheloveof83 I haven't read the full threads. However even from the reaponses I have read, you can figure that most people are selfish and their own needs come before yours. And due ri modern day life of being able to have instant gratification with most things, they can choose only what is convenient and brings them happiness. Plus people today have more mental health issues due ti lack if family support, social media and the pace of life, not to mention struggles with the cost of living. Therefore there is less capacity to be there for others.

The examples you gave though if your husband and MIL being shits rather than you being needy though

Just a great post from Watchkeys!

It is also true that we can and must reparent ourselves. Hug yourself. Learn to self talk. Say to yourself the things you wish your mother had said to you. Take long hot showers—the feeling of the water touching you can offer the same release as a partner caressing you. Brush your hair 50 strikes. Get a weighted blanket and designate some time for yourself to hide under it. Treat yourself to a coffee out, alone with a book if possible.

@pikkumyy77 I care a lot about him. We have many interests in common and he really does try. It isn’t his purpose to make me feel better because my childhood was so neglectful. Sometimes I think I ask too much because I’m too afraid to let go of the people who bring this out of me. I always think the best of others and think I’ll give them another go then another go because I don’t want to get it wrong.

@Watchkeys sometimes I think I’m ok and it’s everyone else. But then I think are all these people wrong about me, surely collectively they are right by probably.

I find the whole thing confusing. I think differently it seems to lots of people.

Ok. Give us one or two things that these people say about you. We can help you work out why you're giving them credit.

Might that help?

@Watchkeys I don’t think it will help. I give them credit because I want a family and acceptance so I’m sacrificing myself and then hating myself and them it seems. I want to have what I see others have, a loving supportive family, a safety net I guess. I want those happy memories of family times together. I have none of that I just have crap memories of feeling left out. It’s getting in the way of my life wanting things I can’t get. I want to out shine the dim memories. I get that I’m asking for things these people for what ever reason can’t give me. I’m looking in all the wrong places and I’ve not been able to work out why.

When I don’t get it I just think oh here we go again reinforcing what I’ve always thought, I’m just not worth it.

But then I realise simultaneously that these other people don’t know anything about my childhood and aren’t doing it on purpose to poke at me. It’s not me it’s them, but I can’t seem to compute that saying. I get very confused. I take it all very personally and I don’t know why.

I’m looking in all the wrong places and I’ve not been able to work out why

Usually we try to recreate our childhood in our adult homes. Did you spend your childhood trying to twist yourself into a shape others wanted you to be, in order to try to obtain love?

It's basic conditioning. Comfort zones aren't always comfortable, but we will return to them over and over again because we are familiar with the negative aspects and have experience in dealing with them. It's easier than venturing out into a different way of being, where we risk negatives that we don't have experience dealing with. For you, that would be limiting time with your current crew, to make space for others.

@Watchkeys yes I did twist myself. My mum was extremely rejection sensitive and she was very reactive and those reactions weren’t nice. She either went totally silent or she flew off the handle. It was never about her and about me and things I wanted or needed but she flew off the handle or ignored me anyway. My MIL ignores me and I can’t handle it. My mum now is much calmer and I can cope with her. She maybe useless emotionally but she does help physically. Just don’t ask anything emotional of her. My MIL is very similar but she just ignores me and I can’t do that. She is if no use physically or emotionally.

I would do anything for these people in return if we had a relationship.

So that's your answer to why you've kept doing it then. It makes complete sense why your life would be taking the shape it is, doesn't it? And you can see it's not 'you', as in, your personality, but 'you' as in the company you choose to keep? And that that's something you can change?

That doesn't matter. If I said I'd do anything for you, would it make you want to meet my needs?

@Watchkeys no because that’s just words.

Ok. What did you come here for? Everything you get on a forum will be words... nobody will be able to give you what you need unless you can express what you need. Does that, at least, make sense?

Someone to listen without judgement or ignoring me and tell me if I’m a problem or not. I feel a little like I’m going crazy!

It most certainly is NOT.
If having certain people in your life makes life harder for you, lonelier and sad, then cutting them out can be extremely freeing.

The MIL said something along the lines of not “kate” again stropping because she can’t get any attention. It got me worrying again. I just can’t get connected to her when there is no conversation or I’m ignored or dismissed. I’m not stropping I’m literally telling them I don’t like how they treat me. I’m fed up with saying something and there be silence.

Madness is continuing with the same behaviour expecting a different outcome.

Your MIL is awful, speaks badly about you, is dismissive of you.
Stop engaging with her.

Well, that's easy: you're not the problem, that's very clear. You're putting up with dismissive behaviour because you've been trained to, that's all. You keep looking to yourself to see if you're the problem, and that's your only mistake. If you want empathy and understanding, why not give it to yourself?

Your heart has been screaming to be heard all your life, and she's still trying now. She's posted here, looking for understanding, but you're asking 'is she a problem? Is she making all my relationships a problem?'

Imagine if you said that to a child: 'I think you are the problem, whenever things go wrong' Can you see how damaging that would be to the child? You're doing that to your own heart, when already, nobody has ever really listened to her.

You're not going mad, and you are not the problem. You are mixing with people you don't feel happy around, and finding fault with yourself for not feeling happy. This is fixable... I've not been where you are, but I've been somewhere similar. It can all change.