My husband has sent naked pictures of me to women on the internet

[MrsRi]

Hi,
It's a long one so I apologise in advance. I've been with my husband for 15 years.
We've mainly been so happy.
But a few things have occurred in that time. Years ago I found out he was gambling and in lots of debt. We worked through it and we managed to get him out of it.
Anyway fast forward a few years, I was on his phone as mine had died and he kept asking for it back which he never normally does so I looked through it to find a picture of his c*ck. When I questioned him about this he said a co worker has sent him a picture of her and he was going to send her it but didn't. I do believe this as he was not smart enough to get rid of the messages from his co worker and the picture had not been sent. But what I did discover was he had put our then 2 year old in his high chair ( which he could of climbed out of) left him down stairs while he went upstairs to take and send the picture. It was really hard but I forgave him.

Then fast forward a couple of years we got our selfs in to a lot of debt- through no fault of our home but husband lost his job, COVID hit, maternity etc and it was all we could do to survive. Any way since then I have worked 7 days a week just to get us out of this debt. We are still in 26k however it was at nearly 50. He's working and all is good. I admit our sex life isn't the best but I'm working Monday - Thursday days and Fri and sat nights staying awake all Sunday and back at work on the Monday so I am absolutely shattered. We do have sex but very occasionally due to this.

I was on his phone the other day as mine had died and I wanted to look something up. I opened up the browser to find a fake Twitter account which he had loads of women on and found out he had been messaging them. But involving me. Saying things like how him and his wife where so turned on by them and how we wanted to have a 3 some etc. the worst of it is is I found he had sent pictures of me masturbating to these women to 'prove' how into it I was. (Not one picture was of his c*ck. These pictures include my face as well as everything else. These pictures where only ever meant for his eyes..

I confronted him straight away and he packed his bags and went to his folks like I asked. He even had the audacity to say at the time he didn't feel sending these pictures where inappropriate, but does see that it is now. I told his mum he'd been messaging other women before he even got there but did not tell her the full extent of what had occurred. He stayed there for a night. I'm tempted to tell his mum everything just so she knows how bad it's been.

Because of the debt we are in I literally cannot afford for him to leave or not work all these extra hours. And do not want him to take the kids back to his folks while I am working as I will literally never see them. And I don't want to loose out on them. I am also starting a uni course paid by work in September which will massively improve mine and my boys lives- I know money isn't everything but if we are all honest it pays for so many memories.

I don't know what I want from this man anymore. He's sleeping on the sofa at the minute as if he doesn't stay over I can not keep my current job as I would have to do school drop offs and he does these as I start work earlier than him.

I guess I'm asking would I be a crazy woman to put up with him for the next 18 months- 2 years when. I'll of completed my course and will be debt free and in a much better position to leave him.

Or do I just accept I won't get my dream job and everything I've worked so hard for and just claim bankruptcy and loose my home.

I'ce been off sick as the stress is unbelievable, but needed to go back to work otherwise I'll loose my overtime. I'm not eating, sleeping or functioning properly atm with not knowing what to do.

He's obviously done the whole apology excuses thing but at the end of the day I don't think it's forgivable.

Thanks if you've read this far.

I would definitely go and see a lawyer and leave him now. The debts can be sorted out. You cannot stay with him.

And yes, go to the police.

This is actually a great plan. I think do it,id defs report him once the debt etc was paid

Why are you putting so much pressure on her?

She can leave when she has finished her study - it is not that long.

Why should she race into poverty and massive stress on top of what she already has to deal with when does not have to.

Take it easy on her.

Easy on Tiger.

she seems very aware of her reasons for staying and her time frame.

To me she reads as someone cool in a crisis and smart enough not to create further crisis by taking the time SHE needs to figure things out.

That should be respected - after all it is about her and not you or me or any other poster on this thread.

Unbelievable.

Is it me or does it feel like the op is being a little bullied here.

I think as you’ve got a mid term plan for financial independence then go for that even though it means short term difficulties.
But you take control. Your husband has to agree to your terms. You totally oversee all finances ( so you know he’s not gambling, spending money on women, porn sites whatever shit men do)
He works extra hours, does an extra job if necessary and that money goes on dept payments.
You also have the right to check his phone daily if you want.
Then when you’ve successfully completed your course you do what you want to do. If you want to leave him then that’s your choice. His behaviour imo is completely unforgivable but you shouldn’t suffer long term for his behaviour when you can have a much better future.

I would stretch it out with him living there coparenting.
Time soon flys by.
Good luck 💐

If this was me in this situation I think for the benefits of the kids and myself I would stay just to get the debt cleared and the course done! Then fuck him off after, you deserve soo much better hun if I was you I would do this for you and the kids as that's the least you deserve after all he has put you through at least at the end you know you will end up ok. I get what all the other ladies have said it's disgusting and unforgivable but if this is to help your kids future and you I would literally stick with him just to get to a better future.

Would it be possible to move the children to a different school and move in with family temporarily? Instead of toughing it out for 18 months.

I get why people are saying stay longer, but the mental cost to the OP will be astronomical. I stayed way too long with my EXH and so did lots of my friends, ‘for the kids’. Years later for many of us and we’re still paying the mental cost. I’m more now an advocate for ripping that plaster off quickly, get it done. As I said on this thread before, I’d be using the threat of police action and being a sex offender as leverage to untangle myself as well as possible financially from the marriage. I’d be threatening with police until I got what I wanted out of him and then be done. In this case it’d be move to your mum’s, don’t try me, readjust the debt as a now single parent, he’d better get involved heavily in childcare and paying maintenance or mortgage or whatever, and let you do your course. Then fuck off.

Thank you for your responses.

To answer a few questions, I work extra as I earn more so we can pay the debt of quicker. If my husband was to work more we would be in this debt a lot longer.

It is not possible to change my hours, and I have genuinely found a job I love and that has taken 12 years of my life. I want to do this course to enable a better lifestyle for my boys and for me as well. This opportunity will not come around again. If I defer the opportunity will be given to a colleague (and rightly so as it is so sought after).

Living with my family is not an option due to lack of space. And as for the idea of renting my house out and renting somewhere else, I have sought advice and I am unlikely to be able to remortgage as a let mortgage due to my financial situation.

It's a difficult situation for me as I do want to be debt free and I'll have this debt over me for a very long time should I leave.

As much as I do appreciate every response I do think people need to remember it is not as black and white as it can be made out to be. There are a lot of factors involved.

As it stands at the minute I am in a situation where my husband is not staying at the home unless he is doing the school run the next morning but even this is proving difficult for everyone involved.

I am still unsure about which road to take and I know ultimately it is my decision. And I which ever decision I make I know there will be a part of me that regrets it.

Like I said before Im not sure what I wanted from this post, but did feel better just from writing it down.

Thank you again

I wish you the best in your decision OP. It's a very difficult one, and well done for keeping the focus on your future, and getting this person out of your life.