My husband has sent naked pictures of me to women on the internet

[MrsRi]

Hi,
It's a long one so I apologise in advance. I've been with my husband for 15 years.
We've mainly been so happy.
But a few things have occurred in that time. Years ago I found out he was gambling and in lots of debt. We worked through it and we managed to get him out of it.
Anyway fast forward a few years, I was on his phone as mine had died and he kept asking for it back which he never normally does so I looked through it to find a picture of his c*ck. When I questioned him about this he said a co worker has sent him a picture of her and he was going to send her it but didn't. I do believe this as he was not smart enough to get rid of the messages from his co worker and the picture had not been sent. But what I did discover was he had put our then 2 year old in his high chair ( which he could of climbed out of) left him down stairs while he went upstairs to take and send the picture. It was really hard but I forgave him.

Then fast forward a couple of years we got our selfs in to a lot of debt- through no fault of our home but husband lost his job, COVID hit, maternity etc and it was all we could do to survive. Any way since then I have worked 7 days a week just to get us out of this debt. We are still in 26k however it was at nearly 50. He's working and all is good. I admit our sex life isn't the best but I'm working Monday - Thursday days and Fri and sat nights staying awake all Sunday and back at work on the Monday so I am absolutely shattered. We do have sex but very occasionally due to this.

I was on his phone the other day as mine had died and I wanted to look something up. I opened up the browser to find a fake Twitter account which he had loads of women on and found out he had been messaging them. But involving me. Saying things like how him and his wife where so turned on by them and how we wanted to have a 3 some etc. the worst of it is is I found he had sent pictures of me masturbating to these women to 'prove' how into it I was. (Not one picture was of his c*ck. These pictures include my face as well as everything else. These pictures where only ever meant for his eyes..

I confronted him straight away and he packed his bags and went to his folks like I asked. He even had the audacity to say at the time he didn't feel sending these pictures where inappropriate, but does see that it is now. I told his mum he'd been messaging other women before he even got there but did not tell her the full extent of what had occurred. He stayed there for a night. I'm tempted to tell his mum everything just so she knows how bad it's been.

Because of the debt we are in I literally cannot afford for him to leave or not work all these extra hours. And do not want him to take the kids back to his folks while I am working as I will literally never see them. And I don't want to loose out on them. I am also starting a uni course paid by work in September which will massively improve mine and my boys lives- I know money isn't everything but if we are all honest it pays for so many memories.

I don't know what I want from this man anymore. He's sleeping on the sofa at the minute as if he doesn't stay over I can not keep my current job as I would have to do school drop offs and he does these as I start work earlier than him.

I guess I'm asking would I be a crazy woman to put up with him for the next 18 months- 2 years when. I'll of completed my course and will be debt free and in a much better position to leave him.

Or do I just accept I won't get my dream job and everything I've worked so hard for and just claim bankruptcy and loose my home.

I'ce been off sick as the stress is unbelievable, but needed to go back to work otherwise I'll loose my overtime. I'm not eating, sleeping or functioning properly atm with not knowing what to do.

He's obviously done the whole apology excuses thing but at the end of the day I don't think it's forgivable.

Thanks if you've read this far.

I haven’t read the whole thread so sorry if this has been suggested but could his family help with school drop offs etc - especially if you told them the whole story? Then you could chuck him out.

Essentially if that’s not possible I don’t think you should throw away your future because of this disgusting man’s actions. Put up with him on the sofa for 18 months. Use him to get what will improve your and your children’s lives and then chuck him out and report him to the police. Revenge is a dish best served cold and all that.But then work on healing yourself and not being bitter it won’t do you any good.

I guess what I’m saying is use your very righteous anger to get you through the next 18 months/2 years to benefit you and then get rid of him and the anger before they both poison you.

What makes you so sure he won’t leave you before the 18 months is done or do something equally as vile or illegal once he realises your “plan”. What then?

Im with PPs you won’t leave. You’ve already stayed through other quite serious things and this post and the responses show you that you can find many options to leave, inc delaying your course/moving the childrens schools/IVA etc etc but you’ve convinced yourself you can’t.

This “man” was sending sexually explicit and identifying videos of you to other women to persuade these women you were involved so he could receive videos/dirty chat back. Let’s be frank, even if you can’t be bothered to be offended for yourself, consider that he intentionally violated you to intentionally hoodwink other women to gain access to them sexually. He’s a manipulative sexual predator who can’t control his sexual urges/fantasies and anyone is fair game for him….even you.

This is what you’ve discovered. God only knows what lies undiscovered. You forgave the fact he couldn’t control his state of arousal/penis whilst in charge of your children to the extent he left your child to his photograph it. He is a sexual deviant and you have not acknowledged that at all.

You have become used to the bar being set so low you remain in the home around this sexual predator.

I would suggest therapy to help you see the situation for what it is, the dangers you leave yourself open to and why you choose to stay in a relationship and around a man capable of such things (that you know of) under the guise of having no options/your plan of action which sees you and your children around such a character for the best part of two years (and that’s if you leave).

^ what @Waspwine says.

If you won’t accept that you are a victim, then you at least need to acknowledge that you are enabling continued contact between this degenerate man and your kids. Report him, tell his mother what he’s been doing, kick him out and seek advice about your finances and how you manage without his financial input going forward.

18 months/2 years is a long time to be watching someone's every move, what makes you believe he won't run up more debts for you to clear in that time?

It won't be 2 years, he will keep digging you deeper into debt and watching you work yourself to exhaustion paying it off for him.

Your husband is a cunt.
This is pretty much a violation.

I agree. I can't think of a bigger violation from a partner than this. So disgusting.

I don't think the stress of living with him for 2 years would be worth it. 2 years is plenty of time to get himself in even more trouble. He knows that he's trapped you with debt so what's to say he won't rack up more just to keep you tied to him for even longer? Life is really for living and wasting 2 more years on this loser isn't going to do you or your kids any good. Rather than looking at what you might lose by selling up and cutting your loses, look at what you might be gaining.

A friend's ex husband had a gambling addiction and even though she knew and thought they were managing it he had also managed to re-mortgage the house without her knowing. They ended up divorcing and she was at a huge financial loss but she was able to move on with her life and meet a better man.

I would have a really open and transparent conversation with your parents/siblings/anyone who could help you about exactly what he has done and where that leaves you. It would be embarrassing to have to go into the detail but I know that if my Dad, for example, heard all that he would be making space for me and DC to move in immediately and would do anything he could to help me get on my feet. People who love you will want to help you even if it seems impossible. I hope you have some people in your life who'd help you like this.

I agree @Waspwine As I said upthread I can appreciate the dilemma and being tempted to get your finances in order, but this is a very dangerous and unpredictable man. This is not “normal” cheating, he’s an unhinged man with no conscience and I’d say you need to consider if this is the kind of person you might want to separate yourself from immediately.

I’ve watched so many true crime cases where women who stayed with clearly dangerous men like this while they “got their ducks in a row” and were killed before they could make their final escape. And in many instances these men didn’t have a history of violence.

And no it’s not a leap to consider extreme violence on the horizon, because this man doesn’t seem to have normal morals and standards. He is very predatory and there’s several screws loose. I mean even most cheats wouldn’t do this to their wife.

Theres a deleted folder too, make sure they cant be recovered from there.

My photos automatically sync to amazon photos, google photos and god knows what else aswell.

Check for all of those too

This is horrific, why would you want to be with someone who would do this to you.

He could also have emailed them, he may have accounts the OP doesn't know about. It's impossible to know they've been fully removed from his possession.

For Gods sake, don’t you think the OP feels distraught enough. I’m sure she already knows the implications here.

Sell the house and pay off the debt

Move your children to a school nearer your parents and stay with them until you get back on your feet if they will allow that

(Both of these would allow you to leave your job and claim UC for a short while if needs be)

Sign up to your course, get a place you can always defer nearer the time if needs be

Sell anything of any value

Report your husband to the police

What a shit situation for you OP, I’m so sorry. In your shoes I would stick it out so you can get your debts paid, your course done and your new job in the bag. Then I would bin him. I wouldn’t let a disrespectful arsehole get in the way of what I really wanted.

So OP ends up jobless, homeless and once she reports husband to the police and he loses his job she will get no child maintenance.

This is terrible advice

I think I would wait it out, and leave in 18m.

I would ignore anyone scaremongering about those photo's having been passed on, or uploaded to the internet. The women who received them were probably outraged on your behalf, and I'm pretty sure would have deleted them instantly. I wouldn't want that on my phone.

And I do understand why you didn't go to the Police. My ExH assaulted me twice when I was leaving him. I could have had him arrested, but had he lost his job, I would have no Child maintenance, which meant I couldn't leave him. Quite the conundrum.

’I cannot live on my wage alone. My mortgage alone is 2/3rds of my income. So without the nights this would not be possible.’

So you can’t have a mortgage then. Has that occurred to you? None of what you have described is insurmountable if you want to leave him. And you should want to leave him.

Sorry.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you - this isn't ok. Thinking only on a practical side, I'm a single parent, so I get how hard it is to manage the juggle.

One concrete thing which I think that you can do is try and replace the Fri and Sat night work with something that is flexible, work from home but pays the same. If you're considering staying with him because of the finances, then you can take your time and look around, see if you can find something that's more suitable. Either evening work or something which you do in your own time or something better paid that's Friday or Saturday (if your family can do saturday care) day-time.

I know its only one step but it would make it so much easier to leave him in the future because you wouldn't be looking for night time care for the kids which is pretty much impossible as a single parent. And you would be less tired which again, is crucial for single parenting.

The uni course is remote anyway so that is feasible to do as a single parent and you can study from anywhere - I used to take my books to soft play on a weekend! The morning drop-offs before work will be tricky to solve but much easier to find a solution to than the night work - for example this is the sort of thing that a student or a grandparent would love to bring in a bit of extra money.

How will it work from September with your work? Will you have a paid day at home to study or does the studying have to be done in your own time? If they're offering some paid study time that might give you flexibility to ask for starting later of a morning for example.

This would be one of the most horrifying betrayals of trust anyone could ever do to me. If it was my DH that would be the end of us, no question. I never say things like that lightly as I believe life is more nuanced than it is black and white.

Given the position you are in, and all the realities of life which mean leaving is not simple, I would continue living together but as separated people until the debts are paid off. I could never, and would never ever forgive this. Aside from parenting and essential household conversations I would never speak to him and maintain as separate lives as you can while you have to exist under the same roof. It will be shit for everyone obviously, but probably no more shit than having to separate while in so much joint debt.

Ah right, of course! Sorry OP, your best bet is to stay with a man who has got you into a tonne of debt by gambling, cheated on you and sent naked pictures of you to strangers on the Internet!

Of course it's not terrible advice, she would be be homeless she has her parents who she has already said will help her out until she gets on her feet, she can find a new job and a new rented property near her support system!

What would you advise?

A few posters have asked but you haven't answered... is he working 7 days a week like you? If not, its time he picked that mantle up. He can do amazon deliveries or uber if all else fails. What is HE doing to sort out the debt?

I have no idea what to suggest regarding staying with him. If he cottons on to your 18 months/2 year plan he would make your life extremely difficult. I would exhaust every avenue possible before deciding anything.

If he isn't working 7 days a week like you then he needs to. Let you recuperate abit.

What an awful situation to be in. I know you don't want to report him,bur if you do it might stop the photo going any further. What ah awful man to do this to his wife,the mother of his children..he has shown no respect for you or your family.

I understand the wanting to further yourself for your family and for a better quality of life but if it's at your own expense and mental health is it worth it at this time? Can your space be deferred until children a bit older?

If you read my earlier post you will see what I advised .

OP rents out her house which pays the mortgage for her.

in turn OP finds a rented property near to her parents for herself snd the children. This allows parents to help with school drop offs

Husband goes to live with his mother, he pays child maintenance, he can also pay off the debt himself since he is no longer paying rent/mortgage

if he falls behind with payments OP threatens him with police and will inform his parents of what he did.

Once the divorce comes through and the debt is cleared she can then reconsider her future and whether or not she wants to report him anyway, he deserves to be reported, but to do it now would be a dangerous move.

OR, she can do as you said, lose her home, lose her job including paid for uni place, lose any chance of getting child maintenance and be left with the whole of the debt which husband is now not able to pay because he lost his job.
But that’s ok according to you because she can live off her parents and the dole.