My husband has sent naked pictures of me to women on the internet

[MrsRi]

Hi,
It's a long one so I apologise in advance. I've been with my husband for 15 years.
We've mainly been so happy.
But a few things have occurred in that time. Years ago I found out he was gambling and in lots of debt. We worked through it and we managed to get him out of it.
Anyway fast forward a few years, I was on his phone as mine had died and he kept asking for it back which he never normally does so I looked through it to find a picture of his c*ck. When I questioned him about this he said a co worker has sent him a picture of her and he was going to send her it but didn't. I do believe this as he was not smart enough to get rid of the messages from his co worker and the picture had not been sent. But what I did discover was he had put our then 2 year old in his high chair ( which he could of climbed out of) left him down stairs while he went upstairs to take and send the picture. It was really hard but I forgave him.

Then fast forward a couple of years we got our selfs in to a lot of debt- through no fault of our home but husband lost his job, COVID hit, maternity etc and it was all we could do to survive. Any way since then I have worked 7 days a week just to get us out of this debt. We are still in 26k however it was at nearly 50. He's working and all is good. I admit our sex life isn't the best but I'm working Monday - Thursday days and Fri and sat nights staying awake all Sunday and back at work on the Monday so I am absolutely shattered. We do have sex but very occasionally due to this.

I was on his phone the other day as mine had died and I wanted to look something up. I opened up the browser to find a fake Twitter account which he had loads of women on and found out he had been messaging them. But involving me. Saying things like how him and his wife where so turned on by them and how we wanted to have a 3 some etc. the worst of it is is I found he had sent pictures of me masturbating to these women to 'prove' how into it I was. (Not one picture was of his c*ck. These pictures include my face as well as everything else. These pictures where only ever meant for his eyes..

I confronted him straight away and he packed his bags and went to his folks like I asked. He even had the audacity to say at the time he didn't feel sending these pictures where inappropriate, but does see that it is now. I told his mum he'd been messaging other women before he even got there but did not tell her the full extent of what had occurred. He stayed there for a night. I'm tempted to tell his mum everything just so she knows how bad it's been.

Because of the debt we are in I literally cannot afford for him to leave or not work all these extra hours. And do not want him to take the kids back to his folks while I am working as I will literally never see them. And I don't want to loose out on them. I am also starting a uni course paid by work in September which will massively improve mine and my boys lives- I know money isn't everything but if we are all honest it pays for so many memories.

I don't know what I want from this man anymore. He's sleeping on the sofa at the minute as if he doesn't stay over I can not keep my current job as I would have to do school drop offs and he does these as I start work earlier than him.

I guess I'm asking would I be a crazy woman to put up with him for the next 18 months- 2 years when. I'll of completed my course and will be debt free and in a much better position to leave him.

Or do I just accept I won't get my dream job and everything I've worked so hard for and just claim bankruptcy and loose my home.

I'ce been off sick as the stress is unbelievable, but needed to go back to work otherwise I'll loose my overtime. I'm not eating, sleeping or functioning properly atm with not knowing what to do.

He's obviously done the whole apology excuses thing but at the end of the day I don't think it's forgivable.

Thanks if you've read this far.

I've deleted all the pictures off his phone my self. On the day I found out so he can no longer use any of them. Which is something.

So sorry to hear about this op. I think your husband might well do things to undermine your attempts to get out of debt especially if he suspects you will be leaving once it's paid off. He might also start gambling again due to 'stress'. I suggest you speak to a solicitor and a debt advisor to find out what you can do to leave him. I don't think you have to give up on your ambitions. There will be a way. There is a forum called Debt Free Wannabe on Money Saving Expert website which could help you clarify how to proceed. Is your debt secured against your house? If it isn't then you won't lose your home as long as you can pay the mortgage which should be your priority (along with council tax and utility bills). Good luck.

Oh Lord you're in an awful position OP, I'm so sorry and so angry with him on your behalf! What an absolute violation and I would think, a crime but I as it'd land you in it if he was prosecuted and went to prison or was fined, I get why you're hesitating. You are between the Devil and the deep blue sea, but I have been in such situations before, where I couldn't see a way out but have learnt there always is a way out it's just that when you're deep in the shite, you can't see it yourself and need someone from the outside to light the way and guide you!
I think your first priority is to get legal advice and advice on what financial help you could be entitled to. Ring Citizens's Advice first and foremost, and see can they inform you or if they still offer the half-hour free sessions with a solicitor. See about Legal Aid. Also, as he is an addict, and sending thsoe pictures of you is a form of abuse ( and a crime!), I'd ring Women's Aid if I were you. Get as much advice and information as you can and start planning your escape. You'll probably need to take it slow but at least if you're planning and acting on thsoe plans, covertly because he shouldn't know for your own protection, you'll feel you are starting to take back some control. I think if you just stay until you have the debt paid, without doing all I've mentioned as well, it could just grind you down and you might become ill. You need support OP , as much as possible. Talk to family and friends too but also see can you access some free counselling/therapy sessions. I did in Ireland after I found out my STBX had cheated on me; I'm sure there must be something similar in the UK or the country you're in.
I'm so sorry OP, I wish I could make it right for you but we're rooting for you here.

That's assuming there aren't any backups could be anywhere in the cloud.

I have no concrete advice but best of luck to you OP.

You sound like you’re working very hard, OP. What work and extra work is he doing? Is he working as hard as you, contributing to housework, life admin, child care equally?

Whose name is the debt in? If it's his name he can pay it himself.
For joint debt and debt in your name contact your local CAB for advice.

Do not give up the chance of paid training/education because of the problems caused by this loser. Whatever you do even if it seems difficult. It is your ticket out of this mess. You've managed to half your debt to £26k which is amazing, and shows that you are able to get through tough situations. I think if anyone can find a way through this, you will be able to.
If your salary will go up by 16k in two years time and you want to leave him, then get advice on whether there is a way to separate your finances from his now before that happens, so that you can protect your future income as you will need it.
Also get some debt advice and ask about protection from him landing you with more debts if he starts gambling again. Sorry I can't advise but those are the things that jump out.

Could he for eg live with his mum but still do the school pick ups/drop offs , with after school/breakfast clubs (could be included in contact time) or could his mum help? Just until you get through your course. I think freedom and doing a course which will improve your career will be life changing.

Could you check with course providers if there is an element of flexibility for people with children? Or see if they have student with family accomodation and rent your house for the temporary period?

You’ve already put up with him for this long, 18konths - 2 years will fly by. Let him sleep on the sofa. Same house. Separate lives. Then get your dream job. Kick him out. And move on from there. Sending lots of love I can only imagine how hard right now is, but the future will be better in time.

I agree that £27k debt is only £13k per person.

whose name is that debt under? Yours, his or both of you?

What other assets do you have? Do you own your house?

Seriously, remove the debt from the equation.
Could you not still do your training if you are separated?
Would you be able to live on your wage alone (one job, not the nights)?
How do you think life could look like?
The debt, you can ask for support from charities and put a plan in place that you can handle. That’s not the main issue there.

I can totally see why you would want to sit tight OP, if you can manage it, it seems the sensible option. Short term pain for long term gain.

I would want to make absolutely sure that he can not get you into any more debt, separate your finances completely and don’t let him know your plans.

You can't stay with a man who's treating you like shit. Money isn't everything.

Those photos could be anywhere online. Honestly that is so shocking.

The debt is under both names.

I cannot live on my wage alone. My mortgage alone is 2/3rds of my income. So without the nights this would not be possible.

If we where to divorce and move out now once the house is sold the debts will be paid. We both will have nothing to our names but we will be back at 0. However the course would be out of the question. I've spent the last week thinking of ways around it and it just isn't possible. If I moved closer to family I would be to far away from work to pick the boys up from school (it's 30 minutes in the opposite direction and that's when the roads are clear). Even if husband did the drop offs in the morning. He couldn't do both. Both of our families work full time except my 93 year old grandad- obviously not an option.

The uni course is online and is the opposite end of the country to me.

If the debt was removed from the occasion I would still be in a situation where it would be the course - mine and the kids future or divorce.

Adulting is so sh*t sometimes.

My family have said they would support me in any way they can ( they do not know the full story) but cannot help in the sense of the school run.

I'm fully aware of this but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it now. 😭

No it's not every thing but no matter what anyone says it does make life a lot more enjoyable and easier. 🙈

I think you're remarkably clear headed about your options OP

And if you say you need 18 months to finish your course and clear debts before divorce is financially possible then that's the situation

But your DH may eventually suspect your plan so be careful and if you have an opportunity to accelerate the timeline take it

It's easy for me to say but if I were you I would move closer to family, get the kids in a school nearer to them?
Loser husband can travel to see them (I suspect he won't bother).

OP my ex sent photos of me to men online so I understand the betrayal you're feeling. Looking back I wished I'd have reported it to police at the time.

This arsehole has already taken the privacy, dignity, love, trust and respect out of your life together.

If I were you, I wouldn’t let him take my hopes for the future and opportunities to better my situation on top of that. Don’t give up the course.

Do what you have to do, for your children’s sake, then don’t look back.

I hope you don't mind but I have pm'd you. X

I’m not sure what you want from this thread tbh OP.

If you have no plans to leave, then why post.

There are ways to leave him if you want to.

You can go to debt management company and they’ll make the repayments based on what you have left over after bills.

You can share childcare exactly how you are doing now - why would you separating mean he won’t see his kids?

You can move and get a cheaper mortgage or have a payment holiday etc.

There is always a solution but it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that you can’t leave but the reality is is that you just don’t want to leave.

You can't stay with him, he will add more debt to keep you trapped!

And you need to report him to the police.

It's illegal.
Same story of my friend .
Her husband is serving two years .
It's classed as revenge porn.

He sounds like an absolute piece of shit, sorry, and I would be marching down to the Police and reporting him. He gambles, he talks to other women online and he sends explicit images of you that were for his eyes only.

You're basically excusing and enabling his behaviour by not doing anything. The finances aren't the dominating factor here, he's indulging in criminal behaviour and you can't sweep that under the rug. Think of your kids and phone 101. It's not your place to minimise the consequences of HIS actions.

Absolutely every situation is different and sadly not as black and white as you are making out it is. If only it where that simple. If it was id already be gone.

I don't really know what I wanted from this post to be honest. Some where to get it out I suppose. Some where anonymous, some where I could just feel supported. Because bottling up these feelings is not good.

I'm sorry if this post offended you but equally you didn't have to take the time out of your day to respond if it did.

I am already in a DMP. So as for my credit rating it's not exactly mortgage friendly. I also wouldn't have a deposit as I explained in a previous post my equity would pay off my debts, and sadly my money trees just not growing money!