My husband has sent naked pictures of me to women on the internet

[MrsRi]

Hi,
It's a long one so I apologise in advance. I've been with my husband for 15 years.
We've mainly been so happy.
But a few things have occurred in that time. Years ago I found out he was gambling and in lots of debt. We worked through it and we managed to get him out of it.
Anyway fast forward a few years, I was on his phone as mine had died and he kept asking for it back which he never normally does so I looked through it to find a picture of his c*ck. When I questioned him about this he said a co worker has sent him a picture of her and he was going to send her it but didn't. I do believe this as he was not smart enough to get rid of the messages from his co worker and the picture had not been sent. But what I did discover was he had put our then 2 year old in his high chair ( which he could of climbed out of) left him down stairs while he went upstairs to take and send the picture. It was really hard but I forgave him.

Then fast forward a couple of years we got our selfs in to a lot of debt- through no fault of our home but husband lost his job, COVID hit, maternity etc and it was all we could do to survive. Any way since then I have worked 7 days a week just to get us out of this debt. We are still in 26k however it was at nearly 50. He's working and all is good. I admit our sex life isn't the best but I'm working Monday - Thursday days and Fri and sat nights staying awake all Sunday and back at work on the Monday so I am absolutely shattered. We do have sex but very occasionally due to this.

I was on his phone the other day as mine had died and I wanted to look something up. I opened up the browser to find a fake Twitter account which he had loads of women on and found out he had been messaging them. But involving me. Saying things like how him and his wife where so turned on by them and how we wanted to have a 3 some etc. the worst of it is is I found he had sent pictures of me masturbating to these women to 'prove' how into it I was. (Not one picture was of his c*ck. These pictures include my face as well as everything else. These pictures where only ever meant for his eyes..

I confronted him straight away and he packed his bags and went to his folks like I asked. He even had the audacity to say at the time he didn't feel sending these pictures where inappropriate, but does see that it is now. I told his mum he'd been messaging other women before he even got there but did not tell her the full extent of what had occurred. He stayed there for a night. I'm tempted to tell his mum everything just so she knows how bad it's been.

Because of the debt we are in I literally cannot afford for him to leave or not work all these extra hours. And do not want him to take the kids back to his folks while I am working as I will literally never see them. And I don't want to loose out on them. I am also starting a uni course paid by work in September which will massively improve mine and my boys lives- I know money isn't everything but if we are all honest it pays for so many memories.

I don't know what I want from this man anymore. He's sleeping on the sofa at the minute as if he doesn't stay over I can not keep my current job as I would have to do school drop offs and he does these as I start work earlier than him.

I guess I'm asking would I be a crazy woman to put up with him for the next 18 months- 2 years when. I'll of completed my course and will be debt free and in a much better position to leave him.

Or do I just accept I won't get my dream job and everything I've worked so hard for and just claim bankruptcy and loose my home.

I'ce been off sick as the stress is unbelievable, but needed to go back to work otherwise I'll loose my overtime. I'm not eating, sleeping or functioning properly atm with not knowing what to do.

He's obviously done the whole apology excuses thing but at the end of the day I don't think it's forgivable.

Thanks if you've read this far.

Could you sell your house then rent somewhere? Which part of the country are you in?

I guess the first step is to decide whether you want to stay in your marriage or not. Then take the practicalities from there.

Sending the intimate videos/pictures of you sounds bad enough but he included your face in them????
Unforgiveable

Does he realize those women have passed those pictures on?

If I was you I'd take it in my own mind that it was over. For financial reasons youre gonna have to live together than longer than ideal.
But do not sacrifice your dream job etc over his awful behaviour.
Grey rock, just treat him civilly but distant, and work practically to get the debt paid. Then as soon as you can you can geographically separate. But the fact you resign yourself to that will make it less bad hopefully as he'll know there's no way back and so will you.

I think is it were me and it was difficult to leave. I'd spend the next few years working out a plan to become financially independent and free of debt. Play the long game if you have to, to leave in a way that doesn't cripple you financially. But you have to leave him at some point, because he is disgusting and disrespectful.

You could sell the house to pay the debt off? Move closer to family, kids in a school in the same area as them so they can help with school runs while you keep your job and your course when it starts?
I would not stay with your H a moment longer, as you have no idea what he'll do next. More joint debts? More messaging people and sending pictures? How do you trust him at all? He'll drag you down with him. Definitely get legal advice.

I couldn’t forgive that. Your face could be over the internet thanks to him. Look at your options if you sell your home how much money will you have. Whose name is the debt in? While you are working so hard to pay everything off what is he doing? If you go into rented you may be entitled to universal credit. Contact gingerbread single parent helpline. If you’re doing a uni course you don’t pay council tax either. Also look on entitled to. Good luck op. It may seem shit now but life will get easier!

Start by getting some advice about income and debt from somewhere like Citizens Advice etc.

Can any of it be written off?

Would it be possible for your (ex) to take over all the debts into his name? I’d be pushing for this very hard in your position. He’s the one who deserves to be stuck paying them off for years, after you helped him out of his mess previously. Some thanks you’ve been given!

When you’ve split, you should definitely report him to the police as what he’s done is classed as a criminal offence. Those pics could be absolutely anywhere by now.

Oh OP, if you could be sure that he would ‘behave’ until you are debt free then that would be something. But what if he runs up more debt during that time? Please, please get some legal advice. I know it doesn’t feel like it now (sharing those images of you is a sickening betrayal of trust) but it could actually get worse if you wait. You are working so hard to fix the financial mess he’s gotten you into, and it doesn’t seem like he is doing anywhere near as much as you, despite being the cause of it all. He will steal many more years from you if you allow him to.

That sounds awful OP and as others have said a big violation of trust .

It seems like your home situation is already very difficult . I think if you can , try and continue with your proposal to try and clear the debt .

Your OH will be under stress and unhappy with the situation , even if all of his own making . I would be worried that the stress of this may push him to gambling again . Is there anything you can do to protect the family finances further ?

It may be a situation that you are unable to sustain for any length of time . It will be difficult to continue to live with him in these circumstances and that is before the pressure you are already under trying to clear the debts .

Many people have come back from bankruptcy / repossession . So although it may feel like it at the time, it won't be the end of the world . It looks like you have a supportive family , so it may be that the option ( if available ) of moving to nearer them may be available .

You are in this situation because of your OH due to his gambling and his sending on of the photos . You sound like an amazing mum who wants the best for your family . The most important thing is you and your children's health & wellbeing . This also does include your mental health .
I wish you and your family the very best for the future .

I'm so, so sorry about this. What a shit, shit thing to do.

One unrelated thing: why are you awake all day Sunday after working Sat night? You need sleep. That would also help you to see things more clearly too.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. You sound like a great Mum. 💐

Are you and your kids even safe with this man. Fuck the money. Go to the police and get him done for it. Divorce him. People do it and so can you. People manage. This man is disgusting.

I know you want to pay the debt off as soon as possible but you can change the amount you repay each month if you are finding it impossible. If your circumstances change you can say you can't afford to pay it. Consult a solicitor and talk to a debt advisor.

He's not going to stop gambling when he knows you're only staying until the existing debt is paid off - keeping you in debt means (to him) keeping you trapped.

Personally I would declare bankruptcy, move near to family, start again and report him to the police. It would be utterly scorched earth territory for me.

I am so sorry you are having to live through this. In your shoes i would keep the evidence, do the course pay the debt off then kick the bastard out and go to the police.
You can do this and make a better life for your children. I took me nearly 5 years to finally get away, it was hard but knowing i had set a date and was on the countdown helped me cope.
Don't let him steal the future you and your children deserve.
Look forward and fight on.

Change of circumstances for the debt people, you’re now divorcing/single income, and on Universal Credit - check what you’d be entitled to on Turn2us calculator online.

Ring or email women’s aid to get what he’s done on record and get some advice. I’d be saying to him that he needs to move out, let me have the house to stay in for the kids, and he needs to play ball otherwise I’d be reporting him to the police and Stephen Bear the cunt. He’d be a sex offender and could face jail. Disgusting scumbag, sounds like he’s put you through hell most of your marriage, this is surely unsalvagable.

I know your finances aren’t simple, but separating will make them reassess how much you personally have to pay on a dropped income. Try Step Change too.

Explore all your options financially - universal credit, what childcare element you'd be entitled to etc and then decide.

I don't think it's weak to stay with an exit plan. The degree sounds a real opportunity. If you are least start it then you are enrolled and it would be easier perhaps to defer if needs be rather than having the offer withdrawn.

He should be contributing equally financially. It sounds like you take most of the load. While he is trying to win you over is a good time to change the set up.

It's absolutely grim and you should definitely leave him but if you need to do it slowly for your own advantage long term then just be clear on the goals and the exit point in your own mind.

This is my concern. If they are real women at all. It's not inconceivable that those photos could come back to haunt you in the future, which is one strong reason to report it to the police now, to ensure it is on record that he did not have your permission to share them.

I'm also worried about his potential to start gambling debts back up again.

OP, can you share what profession you are in? Could you look for a role that pays you more? This is what the course is for, ultimately. What are your other options career-wise?

I'm sure you've thought all of this through but some ideas-

• Come clean to work about what is happening and ask for flexible work arrangement so you can do school drop if he's not around
• send him back to his mum. He can still do the school runs and bloody well should do this (and continue to pay mortgage) to keep a roof over his kids' heads while you sort things out
• be careful around the date for any separation : you want this date to crystallise before your pay rise because the official date of separation is what is relevant for assessing debts and assets and affordability on each side. Take legal advice
• are you friends with any school mums who could help out with school runs for a while, just while you get things straight in your head? You don't have to tell them everything but you may find that confiding in some general way will bring you extra support and respite
• please tell your parents. Is there any way you can move in with them (even if it means moving the kids schools after the summer). Could you still commute to your job or do it from home?

I appreciate none of these are easy solutions but in your shoes I think I'd rather face them than 18 months of trying to contain a volatile and damaged man with a spiralling debt/addiction problem and seemingly little remorse for his actions.
I think this is one of the saddest things I've read on mumsnet. I'm so sorry OP. I don't know where you live but if you were my neighbour I'd help you for sure xx

He’s a disgusting person and he deserves to be reported to the police but I can understand why you don’t want to.

I don’t think your plan is a bad idea, I’d possibly do the same, but it’s not going to be easy living every day with him. Are you sure you are able to do that? Your children would have to have no idea about this.

If this is your only chance to do the uni course then I would do it, it will be worth it in the long run and much better to have all the debts paid off.

What hours is he working to clear this debt?

How do you intend to complete a uni course when you are working 7 days a week with kids?

Have you checked what you would be entitled to on UC if you were to leave? I don't doubt it will be bloody hard but the man has illegally shared nude identifiable photos of you with strangers online! He is vile and should be reported to the police. Can your family help with any finances? you may be able to pay a large chunk off of your portion of the debt by selling and keep enough aside to rent. I know it seems a disaster when you have had a mortgaged property but at this point you just need the vile husband and a fair chunk of debt gone.

OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you, it's truly one of the most horrific betrayals of trust I've ever read. I really do hope you take it to the police, because this is genuinely sickening behaviour from your husband.

With regards to your course; obviously I'm unaware of the specifics of it, but is it possible to transfer to a distance university such as the OU and look at finance options with SFE or SAAS? This could allow you to study in a way that payments can be spread without impacting your credit rating. I know you're already on a DMP, but charities such as StepChange will be able to help renegotiate on your behalf if there is a change in financial circumstances (ie a split). Also don't write yourself off around getting a mortgage — speak to a broker! They're free to use and will take a payment from the bank, rather than yourself. When ny sister divorced, she was able to get a mortgage with appalling credit (two recent CC defaults of several thousand due to her useless ex) with a high street bank through a broker.

Wishing you the very best.

Oh OP what a fucking pig your husband is.

I think in your situation I'd do exactly what you plan to do, hunker down for 18months get your course and your career on track then fuck him off.

Sorry people are giving you shit for even posting or suggesting you leave which just isn't feasible (some things are just not that easy or black and white) do not be ashamed for having to survive. Consider him a live in co-parent, tell him intimacy has stopped until you can trust him again which could take a long time and then when you've got your ducks in a row, get the fuck out.

Sorry I don't have a better escape plan for you, obviously leaving him and reporting him to the police would be the best thing to do but some of us women just don't have the privilege of doing that without putting a massive fucking bomb in our and our childrens lives. Don't feel bad if you have to play the long game and good luck OP.