My husband has sent naked pictures of me to women on the internet

[MrsRi]

Hi,
It's a long one so I apologise in advance. I've been with my husband for 15 years.
We've mainly been so happy.
But a few things have occurred in that time. Years ago I found out he was gambling and in lots of debt. We worked through it and we managed to get him out of it.
Anyway fast forward a few years, I was on his phone as mine had died and he kept asking for it back which he never normally does so I looked through it to find a picture of his c*ck. When I questioned him about this he said a co worker has sent him a picture of her and he was going to send her it but didn't. I do believe this as he was not smart enough to get rid of the messages from his co worker and the picture had not been sent. But what I did discover was he had put our then 2 year old in his high chair ( which he could of climbed out of) left him down stairs while he went upstairs to take and send the picture. It was really hard but I forgave him.

Then fast forward a couple of years we got our selfs in to a lot of debt- through no fault of our home but husband lost his job, COVID hit, maternity etc and it was all we could do to survive. Any way since then I have worked 7 days a week just to get us out of this debt. We are still in 26k however it was at nearly 50. He's working and all is good. I admit our sex life isn't the best but I'm working Monday - Thursday days and Fri and sat nights staying awake all Sunday and back at work on the Monday so I am absolutely shattered. We do have sex but very occasionally due to this.

I was on his phone the other day as mine had died and I wanted to look something up. I opened up the browser to find a fake Twitter account which he had loads of women on and found out he had been messaging them. But involving me. Saying things like how him and his wife where so turned on by them and how we wanted to have a 3 some etc. the worst of it is is I found he had sent pictures of me masturbating to these women to 'prove' how into it I was. (Not one picture was of his c*ck. These pictures include my face as well as everything else. These pictures where only ever meant for his eyes..

I confronted him straight away and he packed his bags and went to his folks like I asked. He even had the audacity to say at the time he didn't feel sending these pictures where inappropriate, but does see that it is now. I told his mum he'd been messaging other women before he even got there but did not tell her the full extent of what had occurred. He stayed there for a night. I'm tempted to tell his mum everything just so she knows how bad it's been.

Because of the debt we are in I literally cannot afford for him to leave or not work all these extra hours. And do not want him to take the kids back to his folks while I am working as I will literally never see them. And I don't want to loose out on them. I am also starting a uni course paid by work in September which will massively improve mine and my boys lives- I know money isn't everything but if we are all honest it pays for so many memories.

I don't know what I want from this man anymore. He's sleeping on the sofa at the minute as if he doesn't stay over I can not keep my current job as I would have to do school drop offs and he does these as I start work earlier than him.

I guess I'm asking would I be a crazy woman to put up with him for the next 18 months- 2 years when. I'll of completed my course and will be debt free and in a much better position to leave him.

Or do I just accept I won't get my dream job and everything I've worked so hard for and just claim bankruptcy and loose my home.

I'ce been off sick as the stress is unbelievable, but needed to go back to work otherwise I'll loose my overtime. I'm not eating, sleeping or functioning properly atm with not knowing what to do.

He's obviously done the whole apology excuses thing but at the end of the day I don't think it's forgivable.

Thanks if you've read this far.

I’m so sorry. What he has done is illegal and I think you should consider going to the police. What a shit time to have to separate but you cannot live like this, knowing his respect for you is so low. What an arsehole. I’m so angry on your behalf.

What a horrible violation of trust.

I would find it very difficult to see a way back from this. None of this is your fault so don't feel gaslighted in to believing you are somehow partly to blame for this.

The practicalities is the easy part. Trust me you will find a way through those.

If you can cope with his shit for 18 months for the sake of the debt and the course do it. However you will be asking yourself to do a titanic work coping with him and in the other side he can left if he doesn't fell that 'you are good to him', leaving you in the temporary chaos you want to avoid.
I wouldn't be able to do it if I'm honest. He will be adding loads of shit to your currently stressful life and work patterns.
Is he that necessary? If you split half of the debt will be his. Will you be able to arrange childcare?
I wouldn't think you are mad for trying. I just think it is far too much. As soon as he is off, you will feel lighter, maybe busier, but lighter.
Check other alternatives before to make that decision.
Good luck.

What a bellend. What an abuse of trust. You've already given him a second chance after the gambling and are working your socks off for him and your boys. I can only say that IF you are going to generously forgive him again then I would make very sure that he understands what you are sacrificing. Delete those photos. And yes, tell his mum. It's not you in the wrong here. It's best she knows the truth.

I've genuinely thought about going to the police already, but sadly he could loose his job and if he does that I'll be in an even worse position.

I live over half an hour away from family so I do know I will have to give up my future if I do walk away now. He's barely said a word to me since being home. But I'm not starting a conversation that's for him to do if he wants to talk.

Sorry I'm ranting I just need to get this all.out and don't feel comfortable enough talking with my family about it. They would loose their minds if they new the truth

He sounds like a psychopath. If you are sure you and the kids aren't in any danger around him then I think it's a good idea to hold your nose and get your affairs in order over the next few years. Once you are where you need to be hit him with a divorce. From what you said you have very few good choices so this seems like the better option in the long run.

You don't have to declare bankruptcy over £26K if you are both still working and own your own home. Thats only £13K each. It won't come to that.
I guess you could do what you propose, but it's down to him too. I doubt 18 months on a sofa would be palatable to him, and if he knows his expiry date is around 18 months he could make life awkward.
If at all possible, when you go back to work, cut out doing the nights, even if it means taking longer to pay off debts - that he caused so should be paying more towards. You will burn yourself out, its time to start taking care of yourself and your needs You could frame it as the price he pays is that intimacy is not going to feature in the future, apart from that, carry on as you were. The only thing is, will he go along with it all.

Not much of a catch this fella is he. Dump him and just go with the flow. He sounds vile.

He definitely would go along with it. He definitely does not want us to split up. He's begging me to stay with him. I would love to stop working as much but if I do we literally cannot afford to live. Which is an absolute awful situation. I work to cover the costs of our bills not for any sort of pleasure. We don't have sky or any thing like that. I have a phone that's 6 years old. My kids do not have the latest gadgets etc so all the hours I work is to keep us going if I stop we will not be able to to afford the house this I do know. X

OP, could you try the debt snowball? It sounds like you are trying to pay all of your debts off at once instead of having a structured plan? If I haven't got that right, please disregard.

With reference to your relationship, I think having space right now is what you need. This has all come as such a shock. Give yourself some time to breath.

Why can't your revolting husband take on extra hours to help pay off the debt? Why is it all down to you? If he is that keen not to split up, tell him that is dependent on his working more hours to clear the debt asap. Obviously don't tell him that when the debt is cleared you will be divorcing him.

Do you have a spare room he can sleep in, I would not want to share a bed with him ever again.

With the money side of it, has he definitely stopped gambling?

I'd be worried that with his record up to now, in 18 months he might have caused another crisis financially rather than you managing to dig your way out.

I'd sit down and work out your finances, talk it over on the quiet with a debt advisor, and see what your options are fully before you rule out leaving now.

Half an hour away from family isn't far, I'm not sure why that's such an obstacle in your thinking.

Its hard but youd be better off alone. Go on universal credits and work as close to 30 hours a week. Its what ive done. I am hard working and when my kids are older ill work another day a week. I live alone now private renting. I wouldnt put my life on hold for him. Hes a dirty man with no respect for you or his family. If he wants to s h a g about. Then leave him to it. But he has broken the law with the pic thing. How vile! X

Get yourself in a better financial position before leaving. If that takes 18m or 2 years then so be it. Why should you live in poverty because of him?

Get an IVA and get shot of him. He has zero respect for you or himself from the sounds of it.

The debt does not tie you together. Neither do the children. There is always a way out. Get some advice.

Also addicys replace one addiction with another. Addicts often begin their addictions due to wanting to "forget the shitty parts.

My ex was a drinker. When he met me he was sober. But turned out he was into getting high/drugs. He hid it. But terribly! He never drank again but the drugs cancelled out the success because he was still an active addict and spending every last penny. But he also had lost his last gf to his cheating and lying. He always had to get attention outside the relationship. Old school friends and tinder to the blonde over the road. He would turn his head at a blonde woman walking past.

Hes turned his gaming addiction into a sex/attention addiction. Hes an addict and is weak!

do you have to pay off all your debts in 18months? 26k is a lot of money for anyone to find in that time.
can’t you speak to the companies and pay a smaller amount - as long as you’re paying they normally do not care
Speak to a solicitor but since it’s marital debt you can kick him out and he will owe half the money still too. If you’re paying off your debt more slowly can you then be around for pick ups or drop offs or afford childcare and drop your hours at work?
how many extra hours is he working?

Oh OP, this is terrible. One of the worst things I've ever read on here. I'm so very sorry. Such a violation of your trust.

I would go to the police but I understand why you don't want to.

What an disgusting creep, I’m so sorry he broke your trust and violated you like that, it’s not the actions of a man who loves you. Prioritise yourself and your kids, do what you need to do to escape him. He doesn’t deserve you,

You have to divorce him. He's a monster for doing this.

Yeah but it's not like creditors for joint debt go "oh well, you've paid your half, his turn!" they'll go after either or both until it's paid down or written off.

My children are already in wrap around care. My job sadly isn't flexible with the hours I can work. I'm already in a DMP. And I know once this is paid off I will be so much better off. It's around the same time my course finishes I have a guaranteed job at the end and a salary increase of 16k a year. Which will go up over the following 5 years.

My family are amazing and will help in any way they can but they will not be able to commit to the school runs due to their own work commitments. If I walk away from this relationship I know I am walking away from a lot of aspects of my life. This sadly incs. Work

It’s a tough one but this man seems dangerous and somewhat unpredictable . The fact he would do something like that to his own wife is wild. There was a reason why he didn’t send pics of his own genitals. He knew it was awful and humiliating.

On one hand I get the drive to stick it out for 18 months to be financially stable, on the other hands it all makes you wonder - what will he do next?

Go and have a long talk with a solicitor.

You need practical advice about your debt and about the impact of separation.

You also need advice about the impact of sitting tight for 18-24 months on any possible report to the police. I suspect it would be better to report this crime soon rather than holding onto the information and reporting later.

You cannot ever trust him again. How disgusting. He needs to make sure he deletes the videos and pictures as much as possibly he can from the internet/delete that account. What a pig.

it has to be divorce surely

make sure he also deletes all intimate Photos/videos of you from his camera roll, then go into deleted items and clear that so he cannot reinstate them.