Did something bad. Struggling with guilt and shame

[Hettyvery]

Was chatting to a guy online for a few months. He became a bit distant and for some reason I became obsessed even though before he became distant I had my doubts. Anyway we ended up going on a date and after he became more distant and I became more obsessed.

in the end he didn’t want to stay in touch and I did some things I’m really ashamed of. I created a fake profile so I could keep talking to him. It was pretty clear he figured it out so in a panic I tried to make him think it wasn’t me by saying some details I had found out about him from online stalking. Of course he still thought it was me.

im absolutely mortified at what I’ve done and am really struggling every day with the thought of there being someone out there who has seen me at my worst.

every thought from morning to night is about this and it’s torturing me.

Just do not contact him ever again.

Stalking is creepy behaviour whichever sex does it.

Stop before he calls police.

Oh OP. I'm sending you lots of strength because you must be in a really difficult place. It must have been very scary for him that you did this, and it's very difficult to acknowledge that you're capable of stalky behaviour like that. Delete all of his details and never ever contact him again.

I wouldn't look to date right now, and I'd try to get therapy to see why you thought this was OK behaviour at the time. I think you should look at it as the rock bottom from which you will rise with dignity and strength- but that will take hard work. Make the decision now that you WILL do that hard work.

I don't blame you for feeling guilty OP.

Have you stopped all contact now and sought help?

Yes I’ve stopped all contact. But my self image as a good person is gone.

Why on earth would you do this? Did it feel powerful the deceive him like this or had you convinced yourself that you were the victim in this mess?

OP
Please STOP NOW

You posted here and there is no alternative to what I said. I'm also pretty confident most others here will say the same

No ifs, no buts, but STOP

Move on and enjoy your life - as the days go by it will get easier!!

Take care

Neither. At first I just wanted to keep talking and then I was panicking and impulsive. It wasn’t meant maliciously.

I have stopped but it’s not getting easier. The shame is killing me.

You have noted what you have done was not great - therefore that is a good start - so please do not beat yourself over it as you recognised it was wrong but many don't

Move on and enjoy your life!!

Its done now. You've stopped now. Use this as the point at which you move on. You know it was wrong, there's no need to beat yourself up.

I’m trying but my mind is torturing me from the moment I wake up.

Well, shame us only useful as a catalyst for change. Then you have to let go and make healthier choices.

I can’t stop beating myself up. It’s endless. I’m hoping that with time it’ll fade

Stalking is very frightening even when women do it to men.

If someone’s not interested in you-Stalking them only underlines the fact that they were right about wanting to end contact.

Unless one has been stalked, usually by different phone numbers and profiles, you have no idea how unsettling it is.

I did something similar many years before the Internet and mobile phones. I kept ringing an ex and just hanging up (for weeks!) The dial 141 to find out who called you had just been introduced but he would have known it was me anyway. He threatened to call the police if I didn't stop. I still go cold if I think about it now, I just lost my mind for a bit. What it did do was to scare me so much I have never done anything similar since. So don't beat yourself up too much op but do learn from this.

It was a silly thing to do but we all make mistakes. Forget about it and move on.

I’m in no doubt it must have been bad for him. Not excusing what I did.

You realise that what you did was wrong, shame is a healthy function that works to teach us a lesson, and not repeat behaviour. If you didn't feel shame they you'd be pathalogical, so give yourself a break. What you did was wrong, you're embarassed, quite rightly, but nobody died. Don't do it again, learn your lesson.

I would however see if you can get some CBT, to help you sense check yourself before you get into a similar situation in future.

Thanks for sharing that. I feel the same. That this will haunt me for years.

It will fade. In the mean time treat yourself gently, you must have been in a bit of a state to do it and this will have made it worse. Rewind to the bit where you were sad that he wanted to end things and treat yourself with the kindness you needed at that point.

Just never contact him again- Do not try to apologise or explain.
Just leave it be.

I have an urge to apologise but I know he would just rather not hear from me so I won’t contact him.

Ok. so not your finest hour. But there are very few of us who haven't done something to be ashamed of. You are sorry and you won't do it again. Can you get therapy - or speak to a religious leader/chaplain of you have a faith- to put this into context? You might also want to think about anti-depressants.

It’s a good thing that you’re mortified because that will hopefully be what stops you doing it ever again. It’s awful to be stalked and harassed and it should stay with you because it is a terrible thing to do to someone.

As with everything though, the raw feelings fade, you need to give it time. Hopefully it’ll make you a better person.

I started therapy last week but not sure I’ll be able to put it in context. I feel like a piece of trash. Can barely leave the house.