Did something bad. Struggling with guilt and shame

[Hettyvery]

Was chatting to a guy online for a few months. He became a bit distant and for some reason I became obsessed even though before he became distant I had my doubts. Anyway we ended up going on a date and after he became more distant and I became more obsessed.

in the end he didn’t want to stay in touch and I did some things I’m really ashamed of. I created a fake profile so I could keep talking to him. It was pretty clear he figured it out so in a panic I tried to make him think it wasn’t me by saying some details I had found out about him from online stalking. Of course he still thought it was me.

im absolutely mortified at what I’ve done and am really struggling every day with the thought of there being someone out there who has seen me at my worst.

every thought from morning to night is about this and it’s torturing me.

I don’t feel like a person. I feel like a black hole he has the misfortune of falling into

Forgive yourself.

It's done. We all have mad moments. It's more about why you're attracted to people who reject you that needs working on.

You're not trash, just human.

I don’t really know anyone who has behaved this way though.

OP all this is just an unmet need. The fact you're torturing yourself over it says that this isn't in your character. You probably won't do it again. Which is good.

You need to figure out what need it is though and address it in therapy, if that's what you're doing. Did he make you feel in a way you don't get to feel usually? Something that was mildly addictive?

I'm not going to say stop punishing yourself. It'll just have to play out, but it will get less in time.

Beating yourself up achieves nothing. It's okay. Can you have a couple of sessions with a therapist to talk this through? 💖

You don't know that though. People don't usually go around advertising their bad behaviour. You are starting to go a bit OTT now. Just move on. If it helps do something good for someone to make yourself feel better. Volunteer somewhere or litter pick or something.

Yeah I don’t usually connect with guys like I did with him initially. When he withdrew I started chasing the high. I understand why I did what I did and would never do it again. But the fact that there is someone out there who (justifiably) can put me in the “internet psycho” box is killing me.

I know loads of people who've done similar and worse things (of that type).

It's not great but you're not the first and you won't be the last.

Give yourself a break.

Many people have done many many worse things in life.

Just learnt from it and don't repeat it.

All this beating the shit out of yourself and letting it affect your normal activities is not unhealthy at all.

You probably need some counselling in general.

And some new hobbies to keep you busy/absorbed etc. Preferably ones with a social aspect.

OP, what's done is done. Sometimes good people do bad things. But this is not the sum total if your life. Try to do something positive - volunteering might help. Guilt and shame won't help the man you stalked. But if it prompts you to do something positive, it might help you get over it.

As others have said, the important thing is that you recognised this was wrong and you won't be tempted to do it again. I don't think there is any need to dwell on it, it's something to learn from and hopefully grow from ultimately.

Just a different idea. Why not set yourself five small kindnesses to do for other people. Give an elderly neighbour flowers, go litter picking with a group at a weekend, donate a few basics to your local food bank, help out at a local fundraiser and maybe do something extra nice for your parents or a close friend.

Look, if they're a kind, decent person - they won't put you in the internet psycho category; if it happened to me, I'd probably feel sorry for them and think they're obviously feeling very rejected/dejected/disappointed/fixating on things, and dealing badly with someone not being "interested". I'd think they were having some problems with their MH. I wouldn't take it particularly personally, I'd just think they need to learn to deal with "rejection" more healthily and not fixate on things etc. That they could be like that with anyone they "liked" or anything that didn't work out.

I think someone - as long as you didn't persist - would not think about it much after a bit.

Rejection and disappointment is very hard to deal with ; there are a lot of human behaviours, from mild to the worst possible scenarios - related to it. But you have to learn to deal with it healthily.

I'd focus on that with a counsellor, and in general with how hard you are on yourself and how intensely you're taking things.

Honestly OP, you need to get some perspective here. You are not a “psycho”., internet or otherwise. What you did is wrong but you weren’t planning to hurt anyone. If that’s the worst thing you’ve done on your life, you are not a bad person. Please be kind to yourself. Do you have a good friend you can talk to? Sometimes things seem worse if you keep them a secret. Or, and I hope this doesn’t sound silly, ring Samaritans. I had an awfully work situation once where I did something that in retrospect I felt put other people at risk. It was really helpful to talk to someone and get the whole thing in perspective.

Even if he does view me with kindness I still come across as an odd unhealthy person.

I rang the Samaritans 20 times in one day two weeks ago when my mind was on fire. There’s only so much help they can give.

have you spoken to your doctor, do you know what’s causing this behaviour?are you lonely?

You did what you did because you have MH problems and clearly should not have been dating, and should not try to for a year or 2 at least. Obsessing about him and now obsessing about what you did, is all one and the same. Hopefully, through therapy, you can find out why you become obsessive.
His MH, probably isn't perfect either tbf, nobody in their right mind would talk for months without meeting. How you redeem your self is to get help so that you never do it again, which you are doing, so forgive yourself. Oh and no contacting the guy to apologise, as that will be just as creepy, just put it behind you and get rid of any of his numbers so you are not tempted.

OP all you can do is compartmentalise this now into things you can change, and things you can’t change.

The way you have behaved was totally unacceptable, very unfair to him and very unsettling. Do as you’ve said and leave him completely alone now. Yes, you’re going to be the strange woman or the “internet psycho” in his story- you can’t change that now. You have done what you’ve done and you acknowledge it was wrong, you can’t turn back time, and no apology or explanation will make him feel any differently about it, so that is it done. Shut the door on that and put it behind you, he will feel the way he feels about you, justifiably, you can’t change that.

What you can do though is really commit & throw yourself into therapy, outside of therapy really just think about what led you to behave like this, focus on yourself. That won’t change the past, but it will ensure you do not continue to behave this way in the future.

I think both the fact that you did this, and that you are reacting so very strongly to what you did, suggest that you suffer from a degree of emotional dysregulation. Do you have a tendency to feel things very very strongly?

I used to be like this (to an extent I still am, sadly). I'm neurodiverse, and it kind of comes with the territory. Look up rejection sensitive dysphoria- does it ring any bells??

But no matter the cause, I found CBT helped me tremendously to gain more control over my emotions. I wish you the best OP- it's a miserable state to exist in.

Op I've struggled with my mh all my life and I'd say I've probably got BPD
I've done some stupid shit in the past
You know as well as I do that given time these things fade
I know exactly how you're feeling right now . All we can do is promise our selves we'll do things differently next time

OP, you made a mistake and are now giving yourself a really hard time. Sometimes it can be difficult to acknowledge that inside us can be bad as well as good. We all make mistakes and misjudgements, sometimes on an epic scale.

You are not the only one, but it is important to acknowledge that you have recognised the bad behaviour and have stopped.

You're getting a bit of unkindness on here which isn't great.

Here's what I suggest. Write a letter, setting out all your thoughts, how mortified you are and so on. DO NOT SEND IT.

Tuck it in an envelope and hide it somewhere safe for a few weeks whilst you retrench and recover. Then shred it.

Then take a big deep breath, put a smile on your face, forgive yourself and move on.

I looked up RSD and not sure it’s really me. I’m not so much in pain over the rejection, though I was at first. I’m in extreme pain at the shame. I don’t know if how bad I feel is normal or not. Most people don’t do these things so how am I supposed to know if the level of shame I feel is normal.

Thank you. I feel time is probably the only thing that will help. I dread running into him randomly though.

Oh OP- please try to forgive yourself for this! Listen to all the posters telling you that you're being way too hard on yourself. The pp who said you don't know anyone who's done this because no one is going to admit it is spot on. I'm sure making fake profiles is relatively common behaviour- I know at least one friend who has done this (for similar reasons to you). It sounds like you have attachment problems so I am guessing you were likely emotionally neglected in childhood- whatever the cause, its not your fault that your mental health is not good right now. The shame you're feeling is so disproportionate to the actual impact of your actions. Keep talking about this to your therapist and journal about it- get it off your chest as shame flourishes in secrecy. Read 'healing the shame that binds you'

To be honest op, cat fishing is sadly more common than it should be, it’s hard to know how the people feel who do it, but I’d assume a high level of shame yes, when they get found out. A lot of shame. As it is embarrassing yes. And I think the shame here is less what you did, more the fact he knows you did it, and will also know you were internet stalking him too.

I think understanding why you became so obsessed, why you decided to catfish him , and even why you then became so obsessed on what you did you called the Samaritans 20 times and are still obsessed.

do you habe a job, friends, family, a support network?