Did something bad. Struggling with guilt and shame

[Hettyvery]

Was chatting to a guy online for a few months. He became a bit distant and for some reason I became obsessed even though before he became distant I had my doubts. Anyway we ended up going on a date and after he became more distant and I became more obsessed.

in the end he didn’t want to stay in touch and I did some things I’m really ashamed of. I created a fake profile so I could keep talking to him. It was pretty clear he figured it out so in a panic I tried to make him think it wasn’t me by saying some details I had found out about him from online stalking. Of course he still thought it was me.

im absolutely mortified at what I’ve done and am really struggling every day with the thought of there being someone out there who has seen me at my worst.

every thought from morning to night is about this and it’s torturing me.

i Don’t tend to get crushes. I obviously have this tendency in me but I think it was brought out by the situation. It started off very romantically on his end and then he withdrew as time went on. After our date I didn’t really get a clear rejection until 2 months after. Even then it wasn’t a clear rejection. I really worked myself up into a state in that time.

Did you only go on the one date?

Also, just to check again.

Have you deleted his contact info?

Yes one date and yes deleted.

So your crimes are 'online stalking' which means basically you checked his social media or google searched him and found d out some things about him he's put out there himself? Lots of people do that. Employers often do that. I have dated people who have said they have looked to see what there is about me online. I just don't find it all that weird and i don't think the term stalking in terms of this is all that helpful.

Stalking is more the behaviours of constantly contacting someone or watching their home or movements or whatever. Stalking is where your behaviours directly impact the victim and cause distress. When you contacted him in a fake profile did you relentlessly contact him or was it once or twice? It sounds as if it was the latter and if so he was hardly the victim of a sustained stalking campaign if so. You did something that wasn't ideal, you can't take it back but you can move forward

People do less than ideal things all the time. There's a spectrum of seriousness and I would say yours is at the milder end. Unlikely to be repeated.

What purpose is your feelings of shame serving? How is it helping you? It sounds like that's running the show right now. What would happen if you let those feelings go? What would it be like to forgive yourself? Forgiveness is not letting yourself off the hook but it can be a peaceful and self compassionate acceptance. If your daughter or friend or someone who you really loved told you they had done this what would you say to them? Can you say that to yourself? If not, why not?

You're a precious human being and what makes you human is your flaws.

I can't help feeling he partially brought it on himself then 🙄.

I don’t mean that at all. I’m just trying to explain why this happened this time but isn’t usual for me.

Counsellor here - I'm very sure you'll be able to put it in to context. Understanding the context, making sense of the behaviour, that's our job.

And if by any misfortune you manage to find a counsellor who can't see both your initial impulse and your consequent shame in context, accept my apologies for being wrong - and find yourself another counsellor, sharpish.

Does your username oblige you to make comments like this?

“Mind baffling” indeed.

I mean, it’s messed up but it could have been worse. Let it go, never speak to him again and see a therapist.

Sorry, I see you’ve started therapy. That’s great, good luck.

OP, please stop beating yourself up. You’ll never see him again, it hasn’t done any real harm, no one ever needs to know what you did. Just stop thinking about it and look forward to the future.

We’ve all done stupid, embarrassing things at some time. I’m certainly not going to reveal mine! As others have said, perhaps you should get some help in dismissing these intrusive thoughts from your mind.

I bet it was a massive ego boost for him.
You’ve stopped now, it’s all good.

That’s a terrible thing to say. Being stalked online can be quite frightening.

What are you talking about???

No one enjoys being stalked.

We don’t know how he really felt. Why assume the worst? 100% some guys would be flattered. Did you not see ‘Baby Reindeer’? Donny was initially bemused and flattered by the attention. In this case the OP was someone the guy initially fancied enough to go on a date with. The OP created one fake account to continue chatting. Then stopped. This is hardly prolonged stalking/harassing behaviour.

The only point of shame is to teach us not to do things, sounds like you've learned your lesson.

If you woke up tomorrow in an alternate timeline where he'd never existed would you still be ashamed?

I suspect not, so perhaps you're struggling with embarrassment and worry what's been said about you. No point in worrying about things you can't change.

You didn't hurt anyone but yourself. You can let it go.

It’s time to seek professional support. The self loathing comes from somewhere and I suspect your interaction with this man may have triggered something that predated him.

What was wrong in what I said? It's the truth, it's wrong!

It's not though, is it ? Is it a ' massive ego boost" when men do this to women ? No.

The OP has recognised a problem and addressed it. Learn the lesson, its about treating people right.

Do you say the same about women? If men do it to them? Or In your view is it ok whatever a woman does?

very odd comment.

OP there's no such thing as a 'good person'. Everyone makes mistakes. Some people learn from them and it gives them humility and an ability to forgive or at least understand other people when they make mistakes. Some people don't. It's people who think they are good people that are the most worrying in my view! You'll be able to digest it in time and move on.

Don't beat yourself up for having a big heart and getting it set on someone. I got obsessed with a guy in uni and did some wild things when it went downhill, including snogging his very unattractive friend. 20 years later I still cringe a bit but mostly in a jokey way. No and again someone comes along that just hits different and we can act a little crazy. Chalk it up to experience and learn from it. I'm now an expert at controlling these emotions and can walk away with dignity intact. This guy will be a funny story you tell at parties one day. You're human, be kind to yourself x

I don't think you're a bad person because of this, and also as you've done the right thing and stopped. Just don't do it again and find something else to focus on.

“Do you say the same about women? If men do it to them?”

No.
It’s silly to pretend that women pose the same danger to men as vice versa.