Did something bad. Struggling with guilt and shame

[Hettyvery]

Was chatting to a guy online for a few months. He became a bit distant and for some reason I became obsessed even though before he became distant I had my doubts. Anyway we ended up going on a date and after he became more distant and I became more obsessed.

in the end he didn’t want to stay in touch and I did some things I’m really ashamed of. I created a fake profile so I could keep talking to him. It was pretty clear he figured it out so in a panic I tried to make him think it wasn’t me by saying some details I had found out about him from online stalking. Of course he still thought it was me.

im absolutely mortified at what I’ve done and am really struggling every day with the thought of there being someone out there who has seen me at my worst.

every thought from morning to night is about this and it’s torturing me.

Yeah the thing is, OP isn’t the victim here. It’s not about what might help HER. She has already crossed boundaries, made this person feel very uncomfortable, an apology isn’t going to help him at this point and it would be incredibly unfair to apologise to him for the purpose of easing OP’s conscience.

Agree, stick with therapy and just focus on yourself OP, leave him well alone.

Didn't say she was the victim just to close it and move on. I agree tho that it won't help the guy he's probably bit freaked out atm with it all.

It's better just to deal with what you've done and work out why for yourself

What's done is done now can't change it

I won’t contact him again. Obviously I’d love him to understand this was out of character for me but I’ll have to just live with it.

Shame is one of those emotions that really fuck with your head isn’t it :(

What you did was stupid but as long as you’ve realised that and moved on then you should forgive yourself.

You need to get some professional help. These are obsessive thoughts and behaviour that’s been moved from one thing to another. You don’t have to live like this.

It’s not out of character because your character did it. But also you’re still engaging with the obsessive behaviour just in a different way.

I’m sorry you’re suffering. What you did was daft, not wicked.

You've stopped and are getting professional help, you should forgive yourself. It’s not even that bad, nobody got hurt.

20 phone calls to the Samaritans to talk about an obsession is not seeking help!

yeah I understand that but I haven’t done anything like this before.

We've all lost our dignity at some point and acted out of character. Just try your best to not think back to it and move forward. Was it recent? It'll get better although after a while it will become seriously cringe when you look back. You'll overcome it 🙂

It doesn’t matter. It is not the behaviour of a well person and your current behaviour is a continuation of it. You need to go to the GP and be honest.

Kind of surprised at the replies, if a man had done this they would have a very different response, I’ve been stalked and harrassed and it’s intimidating and makes me so anxious.

Totally agree.

A lot of people really trying to comfort OP, wouldn’t see that if this was a man who stalked a woman’s online profile and made fake accounts to continue speaking to them after they were no longer interested.

I know someone who did this but like multiplied by a zillion by combining it with breaking into the person’s home when they were out and using the online messaging to obtain intimate photos.

Also a bit of online stalking of someone you fancy is not that unusual even if the deceptive messaging is obviously not great.

What you did was inadvisable and a bit creepy but honestly really not THAT bad. Please be kind to yourself.

Maybe you need to apologise?

Because literally everyone has done something they've regretted in their lives? And in many people's cases a lot worse?

What are you suggesting she does, reports herself to the police? She knows she's done wrong, is sorry, and is having therapy. She doesn't have a time machine.

When you’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour it definitely skews your view of people I’m afraid

OP you didn't kill anyone, you made an error in judgement. You've realised, seen the light and not contacted him again. Forgive yourself. He is probably not giving it a second thought and getting on with his life, as should you. Lots of love x

Doing a bad thing doesnt make you a bad person. Most people have done sonething bad, unkind, unpleasant in their lives. The important thing is to learn from it and never do it again. You're not a bad person if you can do that 🥰

OP. Never contact him again. Who cares that he thinks you’re an internet stalker, you’ll
never talk to him again. I’d say something is wrong in your life at the moment? Happy people don’t get this distressed over the breakdown of a brief relationship.

You remind me a bit of me 10 years ago. I was in a vulnerable place in my life (small DCs, just got out of an abusive relationship) and met someone through a hobby. With the benefit of hindsight he was love bombing me, but I thought we had this amazing connection and I’d never been so in love. This went on for months because he moved away just after we connected. I went to see him, we slept together and then he dropped me because the chase was over. I was heartbroken and not myself for almost a year. I obsessed about him, I thought about him every waking moment. I kept messaging him when I knew it was pointless, kept looking through his social media etc. I was so down that at one point I was briefly suicidal. In that mindset I can see that I might have got sucked into catfishing. I was very mentally ill. It was the perfect storm of vulnerability, low self esteem and the wrong man at the wrong time. I was fortunate that I had CBT and spoke at length to friends and family, but it was just the blackest time. I did recover and when I look back I don’t recognise myself, I wasn’t me. After nearly 8 years of NC he slid into my DMs again recently, turning on his old charm. I was horrified and blocked him. That would have blown my mind 10 years ago!

Yes because from his perspective he just thinks you’re desperately trying to start to talk to him again, finding another reason or excuse.. He won’t care if it’s out of character, he doesn’t know you. It won’t make him feel any better that it was just him you catfished, he won’t think any more of you foe it . So,leave him be now.

and honestly don’t over think it, my friend did old and honestly some of rhe behaviour from the women was horrifying, really desperate stuff. You aren’t alone, honestly. Some do worse.

I’m sorry but are you being serious?!

I did this but had a friend communicate with him. He told her the EXACT same things that he told me. It was so weird.

It wasn’t cat fishing - she used her own photos but we made up a completely different life story for her.

After she had enough another friend was matched with him on Tinder and he told her the same things. He was such a player.

One night we were all out together and the third girl sent him picture of all of us at the same time.

Thats where it ended because we took it as far as we could.

It’s still one of my happiest memories.

Every time I have been rushed to the ER for an emergency I wonder if he’s going to be there (he is a doctor - when we knew him he was practicing emergency medicine).

You just need some friends to do this stuff with.

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t vet their dates before meeting up with them. It’s a huge time and emotional commitment meeting up with people and most lie on the online profiles. A guy I met in the real world even hid he had a girlfriend for two years. Such a massive waste of time.

Did you take it too far? Maybe.

The trick is to not get so attached - and get some friends so that they can tell you when you’ve taken it too far.

I feel like you’re being too down on yourself.

Why exactly are you mortified? Was it because you were caught?

What???

I was referring to the therapist, not the Samaritans.