Did something bad. Struggling with guilt and shame

[Hettyvery]

Was chatting to a guy online for a few months. He became a bit distant and for some reason I became obsessed even though before he became distant I had my doubts. Anyway we ended up going on a date and after he became more distant and I became more obsessed.

in the end he didn’t want to stay in touch and I did some things I’m really ashamed of. I created a fake profile so I could keep talking to him. It was pretty clear he figured it out so in a panic I tried to make him think it wasn’t me by saying some details I had found out about him from online stalking. Of course he still thought it was me.

im absolutely mortified at what I’ve done and am really struggling every day with the thought of there being someone out there who has seen me at my worst.

every thought from morning to night is about this and it’s torturing me.

Hetty, it sounds like you are in mental turmoil disproportionate to what has happened. I’ve been there. It’s awful and I recognise that feeling of dwelling on negative thoughts from waking up to sleeping. Please get yourself some mental health support. A visit to your GP would be a good first step.

I don’t really feel people are being unkind. I think if I heard about someone else doing something like this I’d be giving them a wide berth. Sure it’d suit me for everyone to be understanding and shift some blame onto him for messing me around so much but that’s not realistic.

No one is going to blame him op.

You're doing the right thing in seeking therapy and avoiding the urge to contact him to explain and apologise.

This doesn't define you, you stopped pretending to be someone else and recognised it was wrong before it got out of hand (following him physically or anything like that). That's good, you just need to work through the shame which will take time, forgive yourself and resolve to respond in a more measured way if you face rejection again (it's a part of dating).

In a milder way, for solidarity, years ago I really liked a man who faded me out after lovely one date. I sent him a couple of 'misdirected' texts to try and restart the conversation (I didn't bother trying via actual conversational means as I knew he had lost interest). I didn't send anything strange or personal but I still feel the occasional pang of shame at being undignified in the face of rejection. You're not alone in acting out of character. This too made me really question myself. Why was I finding odd ways to contact someone not interested?

I like the idea of doing things to rebuild your evidence of yourself as a decent person and put this out of your mind.

You're not well and really suffering you poor thing. Continue with the therapy. You need to address the cause of what you did but you also need to address forgiving yourself. You're the one who has to live in your own head and you're really beating yourself up. Let go of what this man thought of you.

Go to work, keep as busy as you can. Read books, watch TV in the evening. This will fade in time.

OP, if having low self esteem in any way caused you to behave like this then endlessly beating yourself up now is not going to fix that.
You need to forgive yourself for it. Understand what caused it and address that.

You are not a bad person. Bad people don’t feel shame and guilt. You are obviously struggling and have now transferred your ‘obsession’ with him, to punishing yourself.
Don’t believe your thoughts. Just repeat, that you made a mistake as you are feeling vulnerable but you are putting it behind you.
Therapy and a trip to the GP and tell them what you have told us.
You are in an anxiety spiral by the sounds of it. Try and eat well, lots of walking and mindfulness will help.
We all lose our way sometimes. Try to be kind to yourself.

OP it’s okay. You’re consumed with guilt so you’re obviously not psychologically warped. Be gentle with yourself. I’ve seen A LOT of stuff no one should and the stuff you’ve described doesn’t even come near it.

People who develop these sorts of obsessions have usually had a caregiver in childhood who was neglectful and abusive. You sound like you want to understand why this happened and I wonder how you’d feel about talking therapy?

Everyone here is going to make you feel worse, but honestly I think you can just move on from this and not give it much more thought or guilt.

You haven't done anything the police would ever get involved with unless your on a very quiet island, otherwise they'd be arresting 95% of teenage girls out there.

At most it was just weird behaviour, so just don't do it again, don't waste time feeling guilty as it won't achieve anything, and don't hold yourself up to such a high standard as needing to feel like a "good person". No one's perfect

I understand why it happened. The first time I just wanted to talk to him. It didn’t feel malicious at the time. Then when it was clear he suspected me I panicked and was impulsive. But that doesn’t excuse it.

It would be great to switch off the guilt but unfortunately I can’t control it.

You need to see your doctor urgently and get help for your mental health. This is a wholly disproportionate response to what has happened.

Was there more than one time? It doesn’t really matter, it’s done now.

it seems maybe you liked the attention from him, were maybe a little more excited than you should habe been , hoping for something more, and when he withdrew you pretended to be someone else. So you could continue to get some of his attention.

i don’t think it’s anything to feel guilty for or shame about, more just concern about your own feelings, and what drove you.

This! I literally wouldn’t give it a second thought let alone judge someone for doing this.
You pretended to be someone else online, contacting and chatting to someone who jilted you right? I’m not missing something?

It will fade eventually op don't worry.

We've all done deranged things before lol

You'd only have to start a thread on here asking people 'what's the creepiest, most deranged thing you've ever done?' and you'd have pages full of stories a lot worse than what you've done.

There's probably threads on here or reddit already.

No-one is who they are on their worst day. No-one is who they are on their best. This does not define you. Move on, learn why you did it. 'Go and sin no more.'

Yes but then to try and throw the suspicion off me I mentioned a lot of personal info of his id found from online stalking.

How would that throw suspicion off you?

As I should have no way of knowing this stuff.

But why would the made up profile person know this stuff. Were you pretending to be someone he had met or worked with or something?

Do you tried to make him think you were someone that knew him well?

So not Do

Look, not to minimise but also put it in context: yes what you did was pretty mean, and stupid and, frankly, unnecessary but you not getting out of the house and berating you so much for it is not of any use - if you seek atonement go and do 10 good deeds, donate to charity, volunteer for a food bank, be kind to somebody who needs it, that kind of things. Do not revel in the toxicity.

It will be good for you to have a frank discussion this on therapy.

But most importantly, learn from this and then forgive yourself.

Not a specific person but someone who would know him better than me.