husband says he doesn't know if he loves me

[dontknowwhattodo1234567]

Hubby and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for half that time. We have 2 children, both teens. We've been through some real challenges during our relationship. We lost a child half way through a pregnancy, and another of our children has ongoing health issues that almost killed them as a baby. Since these 2 events, I've struggled with both depression and anxiety. I've been to therapy a couple of times but haven't found much relief from worries and feelings.
Over the years DH has always reassured me that he loves me and he's here for me. But we've often been distant and operating almost as individuals in the relationship. He works long hours, and often 7 days a week, particularly when he is working to tight schedules on his projects (he works in the film industry which is pretty intense). He's self employed and I am his employee as I support him with the administration/book keeping of his company. So I earn a part time salary from this. But my hours are very flexible, which allows me to prioritise the children and run the house, particularly when DH is absent because of work.
He started therapy for himself about 5 years ago, after struggling with the pressures of work and anger issues. The therapy has been super beneficial to him. He's more patient, resilient and its had a positive impact on how he has navigated his career and how he interacts with his children. He's talked more about our relationship and areas he can see that he has been detrimental to our connection, which he regrets, although there has been no actual change to his behaviour patterns yet to stop the cycle.
A month ago DH mentioned that he was having deep thoughts about our relationship and doubts that we could improve how things are. I asked for more clarification of this and he said he didn't want to discuss it yet because he hadn't got his thoughts in order. He's been working like crazy since then, 7 days a week, 12-14hr days, so I've not had a chance to talk to him anymore about it. But last night he was home by 8pm so I was able to finally bring it up.
He said that he's got doubts about his feelings for me. Says he's not sure if he loves me, but that he's sure that he's not out of love with me, if I'm making sense? He said that I've changed a lot from the young, carefree, fun girl I was when we first met and that he doesn't think we are compatible anymore. That we get on well from a parenting/friendship point of view but in terms of being in a relationship it just isn't working. He says he feels uncomfortable around me physically and doesn't want to be intimate with me because he feels awkward and that he has no instinct for how to get closer to me and regain that intimacy. He also said that he feels quite trapped by the current state of things, and that he feels if it goes on too long that he'll suddenly "push the button" which will result in him walking out on the family and disappearing. Kind of like an enoughs enough type situation and that he'll just sabotage everything that he has. Turn his back on his family, throw his job in and just shut down completely. I expressed my unease at this, we are entirely dependent on him and his career. Our entire relationship has been focused on prioritising and growing his career, something that he's always really pushed for. I left my own independent job years ago when we had children to facilitate this, and now I feel like the "button" is a threat. I expressed this to him, how it felt threatening, and he acknowledged my feelings, said he didn't intend for it to sound that way, but its how he's feeling right now.

He says as far as he can see, we have 3 choices. 1. we try to make a go of it, devote time to reconnecting, working as a real team, almost starting from scratch with rebuilding our relationship. 2. we coparent in the same house but are no longer in a relationship. We live together but have separate rooms and we live like that, as parents and friends and we reevaluate when the children have left home or 3. he leaves, finds himself somewhere nearby so he can still see the children on the weekends, but we fully break up.

He's giving me some time to think about what I want to do. I feel totally blindsided if I'm honest. I had no idea he was feeling so negatively about our relationship and his feelings for me. We've been through so much together, good and bad and I always thought that no matter what, we'd see things out together. I know I love him, but I also know our relationship needs work. But hearing him say he doesn't know if he loves me is heartbreaking and I'm not sure I can get past that.

I'm also totally reliant on him financially. I never thought that would be an issue, but now I can see that if we broke up, that could be a very real problem. My parents divorced when I was a teen and it threw my world upside down. We had to sell the home, and we had to make drastic financial changes. My dad disappeared (my mum left my dad), and he went to live abroad for several years. It was really tough in a challenging phase of adolescence. I don't want to put my own children through that.

I just don't know what to think, say, feel about it all. Can we save this marriage? Does it sound salvageable? His career has really jumped up in the last couple of years and he's been so much happier in that department that I'm shocked to hear him say he's close to throwing it all away. I'm back in therapy myself now because we can now afford for us both to go, but he says we're on different pages with it because he's been seeing his therapist for years and I'm only recently seeing someone again (it's been a decade since I last went). He says he's not sure he can wait for me to get to the stage that he is in therapy. But that just doesn't seem right to me? I didn't think that therapy was a sort of race?
Anyway, I've written way too much, but what do you all think? Can I salvage this? I honestly don't see how we can separate and keep things smooth for the kids, we can't afford to run 2 homes, the cost of living is just too much. Do I just accept that we coparent and leave it at that? Has anyone had a partner feel unsure of their feelings, and then decide that they do love their OH after all?

I think there could be another woman, men usually talk like this when they've one in the wings. Would he be honest if you asked him?

I'm not sure he'd be honest about it if I asked. I've noticed that he's lied about a couple of things over the last few months which is not like him. But they're things that I didn't think were a big deal, just weird things to lie about rather than potentially nefarious. I literally can't see when he'd get the chance to develop another relationship. His work dominates his time, and when he's not working, he's home. He doesn't go anywhere else.

I think no matter what you need to stop prioritizing his career and go back to work. He is treating the marriage as a byproduct of romance but for you it is also a business arrangement. Go through the financials with your own lawyer and figure out What you and the children need for independence.

He is entitled to fall out of love—and the years of depression and anxiety that you describe may really have damaged your romantic connection.

You are entitled to live life freely.

The problem is, I still need to be about for the kids after/before school and in the holidays. The child with medical issues still needs me more than most teens do and they have regular hospital trips and reviews. DH can't share in that role, he's at work. So my options for work are very limited. What can be done in school hours, term time only that requires no manual lifting (I have damage from DC2's birth that stops me from doing physical jobs). It's part of the reason why I was employed by DH, because there wasn't a job like that out there. And there is no way that DH would take on any of this responsibility as it would stop him from working which is an income we need.

What's the lies been about? I'm with PP there's an outside interest-you don't know for definite he's working all these hours and it's likely to be someone he's working with. Those options are pretty much guaranteed an exit plan one way or another. Even if you 'work' at it he could still potentially say it's not for him a month in. Boils my piss reading these, the young pretty fun person has been replaced by a dependable mother and wife and suddenly it's not for them 🫤

He could develop another relationship at work. That's where a lot of relationships - and affairs - start.

Even if he met someone on a particular project and then either or both moved on to separate projects, it's very easy to stay in touch through electronic means.

You say "He said that I've changed a lot from the young, carefree, fun girl I was when we first met..." Well naturally you have, you've had a lot to cope with. However, is it possible he's met and clicked with someone younger, more carefree, more fun?

I'm not saying he definitely has, but I think you need to be ready for that possibility.

This is the script when they’ve had their head turned. Why else would he consider leaving?

You need legal advice if this goes tits up.

This is where you have to get tough. If you’re going to split, your kids are teens, you’ve not got long before you will be expected to be fully supporting yourself financially. So you need a job independent of him and he needs to be doing 50/50 for the children. Teenagers are old enough to understand how this works and he’ll start finding it hard to be fucking carefree and fun when he has to do half of the demanding parenting you’ve described.

See a solicitor for advice and info, OP. Take all financial and employment data with you.

The worry is that he’ll decide one day to leave, at which point you’ve no control over the timetable. At least if you’ve seen a solicitor you’ll know what steps to take. It’s possible that this is a soft exit on his part ie paving the way for a separation so you won’t be able to allege that it’s come out of nowhere.

I don’t think he particularly wants option 1. He wants you to give him his freedom to leave or permission to stay but live like a single man.

Drops a bombshell about having deep thoughts about the relationship and doubts it can be improved, but then refuses to discuss further at the time as he 'hadn't got his thoughts in order'. Prick. How dare he drop that on you and behave like this.

How long has the lack of intimacy been going on? Months? Years?

I'll hazard a guess that most marriages break up because of intimacy issues. He's addressed it already with you but it seems he has reached the stage where he doesn't see it improving if you're at the "we feel like flatmates" conversation - he's going to put 100% of the responsibility of option 1 (give it a go) onto you.

Option 2 and 3 will see him living as a single man, dipping in and out of family life as and when it suits (but he does that already?)

I'd just tell him that you need time and space to think and it's best if he moves out whilst you do that. He'll be dipping his wick elsewhere soon enough if he isn't already at least this way you're not responsible for washing his underpants and feeding him.

So many affairs in the film industry, especially with long days on location, if he's on set. Hope you ok.

After he brought up how he was feeling, he just happened to be working all hours 7 days/week - that is not a coincidence. I think you'll find that he's not been actually working a lot of those hours, he's seeing someone else. It also explains why he doesn't want to be intimate with you. He's given you half the story, but more because a half-truth is easier to lie about.
I think do some digging if you can.
I'm guessing this woman is more carefree, like you were when you met him. He could repeat history in that case, as she'd become the same after DC's too, we all do, it's called growing up and being responsible. If he wants to lead a carefree life, he should get a vasectomy, because he's failed at fatherhood.

Yes I think it's The Script too.
I hope I'm wrong but my XH said something similar but was in the middle of an affair.
I'll try to find the thread on MN called The Script and link here.
OP, I know it's hard to think about now but you really need to look into your working options and get legal advice.
He's ahead of you on this so you need to act fast to catch up.
Don't let him lead the narrative.

Is this the script? Handhold please www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5005102-is-this-the-script-handhold-please

He has another woman

Wow, he's had it all his way hasn't he?

He had his amazing rising career. All the trappings of a family man. Meals cooked, house clean, kids taken care of.

You at home, working for him, looking after children, one with medical issues. Holding it all together. You've been through a lot. Him not so much?

Where is your life? Your dreams? Your feelings of fulfilment outside children and marriage? No wonder you have been depressed.

Of course you've changed from the young care free girl. You are no longer care free. What a cock womble.

The anger issues, how did they pan out? Sounds like his therapy was positive then all of a sudden, it's a complete about turn so maybe his head has been turned.

See a solicitor is my advice.

How old are the kids?

I'll never forget the poster on here who said her sister went through similar and rather than him leaving, she left him to it ALL, kids house etc. so she could plan for herself. I know most mums say they can't leave their kids but what on earth would he do?
I think he's just going to slope off and leave you to it.

Tell him to leave but you need to get a job and he can do 50% of kids and calmly tell him he needs to step up to the plate.

How do you know he's working @dontknowwhattodo1234567 ?

A month ago DH mentioned that he was having deep thoughts about our relationship and doubts that we could improve how things are. I asked for more clarification of this and he said he didn't want to discuss it yet because he hadn't got his thoughts in order. He's been working like crazy since then, 7 days a week, 12-14hr days, so I've not had a chance to talk to him anymore about it.

That we get on well from a parenting/friendship point of view but in terms of being in a relationship it just isn't working. He says he feels uncomfortable around me physically and doesn't want to be intimate with me because he feels awkward and that he has no instinct for how to get closer to me and regain that intimacy. He also said that he feels quite trapped by the current state of things, and that he feels if it goes on too long that he'll suddenly "push the button" which will result in him walking out on the family and disappearing.

This all absolutely screams of another woman to me I'm afraid....

I am sorry to say but he's 99.99% having an affair and he is thinking of leaving you but too chicken, so he's also hoping you will end it. The options 1-3 really are to his benefit, which he doesn't deserve.

Go for option 4: get a full time job independent of him asap. Sit down to draw up a 50:50 childcare schedule. Make fun and interesting plans for weeks you will have free. Yes it will mess up his work, but it is his own doing. Focus on your own career asap.

The relationship is over, he just hasn't got the balls to tell you. It will be hard on you DC but it's him who has made this call. They are old enough to muddle through. There is nothing you can do at this point to save your relationship. Focus your energy on yourself and your DC.

He says he's not sure he can wait for me to get to the stage that he is in therapy.

Sorry OP, but he's not interested in saving the relationship. Likely another woman in the wings already and he's testing waters to see how to split with the least damage (to him).

Start getting your ducks in a row, squirrel away money, speak to a solicitor to get in front of this.

He has another woman. This is 100% the script.

I was in your exact situation Op and I chose option 1. Which meant he wanted me to do the Pick Me dance and try harder to keep him. But no matter what I tried, it wasn t good enough. He punished me for every tiny slip from being the Perfect Wife.

Then he moved onto option 2, which was the very worst thing for me. He continued to do all the highly paid , high status, glamorous work while I did all the unpaid, low status, unglamorous work. And of course he was off shagging his OW at the weekends and out most evenings.

He treated me like shit around the house, worse than you could ever treat paid staff. He did bugger all parenting and got angry when I wouldn’t cook his meals or wash his clothes . It was a horrible way to live and I don’t know how I survived it without having some sort of breakdown.

Then when the kids were high school age ( and Ow ready to leave her marriage ) he implemented option 3. Except he didn’t see the kids at weekends or pay any child support . In fact he saw the kids for a couple of hours 3-4 times a year.

so I was left with three teens 100% of the time, no job ( apart from his company ) , a non existent CV (his company was my longest employer ) , a tiny pre kids pension ( which he tried to take off me in the divorce ) and mo savings.

I was very lucky to be able to set up my own business, as no one would have hired me.

I was able to keep the house but I had to remortgage and pay him for half of it. Now I will have to work full time to retirement age and I have little money to spare as my wages are modest and my costs high. I now have three kids at university and he doesn’t pay a penny for then.

please PLEASE don’t be me @dontknowwhattodo1234567

what do i wish I have done instead ? I wish I had taken him at his word for option 1 , said that I would try to make it work but things needed to be more equal. That it was unfair to have all the financial burden on him etc .

Id insist that he took on half the childcare , housework and wifework. Id get back to work full time and pay into my pension. That would have given me options to leave sooner.

It would also have shown be that his Option 1 was a load of shit, that he had no plans to “ fix our marriage” , he was simply buying time and softening me up for options 2 and 3.

and I wouldn’t have had to spend years of my life living under Option 2.

Of course you've changed from the young carefree girl you were once were when you first met;you're now an adult with kids and a home you've been entirely saddled with the responsibility of whilst he's off out 7 days a week "working".

He's having a midlife crisis and churning out the script:midlife crisis for dummies.

Right now you need to do everything you can to protect yourself and your children.

Please see a solicitor regardless of the situation;having the right information on what your legally entitled to is useful in helping you the decision on what options you want to take.

This "Id insist that he took on half the childcare , housework and wifework. Id get back to work full time and pay into my pension. That would have given me options to leave sooner.".

It isn't true that he can't do childcare. He is working instead. Money he makes should pay for childcare.
What would happen if you fell ill?

Make sure you go back to work or set up a business. Regardless of the outcome, whether you are together with him in years to come or be a single parent this is the best thing that can happen to you. He will drop your admin services for an external accountant in no time so be prepared.

I had a very similar conversation and I was adamant there was no one else involved.

Turned out there was another woman after all.

In case it does all end, OP - he will have to take responsibility for DC and pay for childcare, housework or anything else his busy work life does not give "time" for. All this time he has been taking you financially for granted. If you do split, it will cost him a whole lot more in terms of effort and money. Though plenty of men then find a gullible woman to do it for them - either mother or new OW. I hope you find the solution to all this that is right for you, but don't stay just because his single-type lifestyle requires his full time work. You are essentially a single parent now, and you would be freer if you do decide to split, as it would be split responsibilities as well as money. If in doubt, see a lawyer to find out what you would be entitled to. Hope this is not all too distressing OP.