husband says he doesn't know if he loves me

[dontknowwhattodo1234567]

Hubby and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for half that time. We have 2 children, both teens. We've been through some real challenges during our relationship. We lost a child half way through a pregnancy, and another of our children has ongoing health issues that almost killed them as a baby. Since these 2 events, I've struggled with both depression and anxiety. I've been to therapy a couple of times but haven't found much relief from worries and feelings.
Over the years DH has always reassured me that he loves me and he's here for me. But we've often been distant and operating almost as individuals in the relationship. He works long hours, and often 7 days a week, particularly when he is working to tight schedules on his projects (he works in the film industry which is pretty intense). He's self employed and I am his employee as I support him with the administration/book keeping of his company. So I earn a part time salary from this. But my hours are very flexible, which allows me to prioritise the children and run the house, particularly when DH is absent because of work.
He started therapy for himself about 5 years ago, after struggling with the pressures of work and anger issues. The therapy has been super beneficial to him. He's more patient, resilient and its had a positive impact on how he has navigated his career and how he interacts with his children. He's talked more about our relationship and areas he can see that he has been detrimental to our connection, which he regrets, although there has been no actual change to his behaviour patterns yet to stop the cycle.
A month ago DH mentioned that he was having deep thoughts about our relationship and doubts that we could improve how things are. I asked for more clarification of this and he said he didn't want to discuss it yet because he hadn't got his thoughts in order. He's been working like crazy since then, 7 days a week, 12-14hr days, so I've not had a chance to talk to him anymore about it. But last night he was home by 8pm so I was able to finally bring it up.
He said that he's got doubts about his feelings for me. Says he's not sure if he loves me, but that he's sure that he's not out of love with me, if I'm making sense? He said that I've changed a lot from the young, carefree, fun girl I was when we first met and that he doesn't think we are compatible anymore. That we get on well from a parenting/friendship point of view but in terms of being in a relationship it just isn't working. He says he feels uncomfortable around me physically and doesn't want to be intimate with me because he feels awkward and that he has no instinct for how to get closer to me and regain that intimacy. He also said that he feels quite trapped by the current state of things, and that he feels if it goes on too long that he'll suddenly "push the button" which will result in him walking out on the family and disappearing. Kind of like an enoughs enough type situation and that he'll just sabotage everything that he has. Turn his back on his family, throw his job in and just shut down completely. I expressed my unease at this, we are entirely dependent on him and his career. Our entire relationship has been focused on prioritising and growing his career, something that he's always really pushed for. I left my own independent job years ago when we had children to facilitate this, and now I feel like the "button" is a threat. I expressed this to him, how it felt threatening, and he acknowledged my feelings, said he didn't intend for it to sound that way, but its how he's feeling right now.

He says as far as he can see, we have 3 choices. 1. we try to make a go of it, devote time to reconnecting, working as a real team, almost starting from scratch with rebuilding our relationship. 2. we coparent in the same house but are no longer in a relationship. We live together but have separate rooms and we live like that, as parents and friends and we reevaluate when the children have left home or 3. he leaves, finds himself somewhere nearby so he can still see the children on the weekends, but we fully break up.

He's giving me some time to think about what I want to do. I feel totally blindsided if I'm honest. I had no idea he was feeling so negatively about our relationship and his feelings for me. We've been through so much together, good and bad and I always thought that no matter what, we'd see things out together. I know I love him, but I also know our relationship needs work. But hearing him say he doesn't know if he loves me is heartbreaking and I'm not sure I can get past that.

I'm also totally reliant on him financially. I never thought that would be an issue, but now I can see that if we broke up, that could be a very real problem. My parents divorced when I was a teen and it threw my world upside down. We had to sell the home, and we had to make drastic financial changes. My dad disappeared (my mum left my dad), and he went to live abroad for several years. It was really tough in a challenging phase of adolescence. I don't want to put my own children through that.

I just don't know what to think, say, feel about it all. Can we save this marriage? Does it sound salvageable? His career has really jumped up in the last couple of years and he's been so much happier in that department that I'm shocked to hear him say he's close to throwing it all away. I'm back in therapy myself now because we can now afford for us both to go, but he says we're on different pages with it because he's been seeing his therapist for years and I'm only recently seeing someone again (it's been a decade since I last went). He says he's not sure he can wait for me to get to the stage that he is in therapy. But that just doesn't seem right to me? I didn't think that therapy was a sort of race?
Anyway, I've written way too much, but what do you all think? Can I salvage this? I honestly don't see how we can separate and keep things smooth for the kids, we can't afford to run 2 homes, the cost of living is just too much. Do I just accept that we coparent and leave it at that? Has anyone had a partner feel unsure of their feelings, and then decide that they do love their OH after all?

The old bargain where you sacrifice career for childcare and he sacrifices nothing is over. See a solicitor and get clarity on finances. Then tell him he can pay for a nanny or take on all childcare until you are established in a career. Alternatively if its more attractive to him he can move out, stay married, fully support the household, and play the field.

Absolutely this 100%

Imagine expecting your wife to stay a young carefree girl whilst expecting her to do everything including putting up with having little support from him. I’m second hand embarrassed for him.

Suspect he’s got another woman, probably at work. If he has always done stupid shifts then it would be easy to hide an affair under the guise of ‘you know what work is like’.

Sorry you’re dealing with this devastating news OP. What a selfish prick he is. Go straight to option 3 and divorce him.

Hmmm now ex dh was exactly like this with me. He’d reconnected with an ex on Facebook and they’d been messaging each other. When he went to go and visit his Mum (in London, we had moved to Norfolk) he was having “friendly” meet ups with the ex. I didn’t know this of course until he suddenly announced he didn’t love me anymore and buggered off to be with her (this was 15 years ago now, I’m happily remarried).

Ultimately it doesn’t really matter if there is another women though. He’s laid his cards on the table and it sounds like he’s resigned himself to not wanting to save anything. I felt angry for you when he said you’re not the same “carefree” person you were when you first met - who is?!! I’m sure he’s changed. These traumas you’ve experienced together will change you. It’s normal. That’s the most telling line of it all to me - so he’s missing that part of it all. Fuck him. He needs to grow up.

I realise it seems impossible to see how things can work if you divorce but it looks like he is about to divorce you anyway.

Get yourself a good solicitor asap OP. Your standard of living is probably going to take a hit as it will for the DC but your husband doesn't care. He likely has another woman lined up to set up house with.

I feel quite angry reading what he's saying to you. It absolutely screams of another woman. I don't like the way he uses you not being carefree etc as part of his narrative. He sounds like an incredibly selfish dick. Threatening to push the button is basically a warning to you to just behave whilst he figures things out. You absolutely have to sort your financial situation out. Don't feel any pity or fall for bullshit lines about depression. You deserve so much better after all your sacrifices.

I know you all think it’s an OW. But I still don’t think so. This work pattern is nothing new. It’s been like that for almost a decade, ever since he went self employed. My parents divorced over infidelity on my mother’s part. He knows this, he knows the impact it left on the whole family even now. I just don’t think he’d have an affair behind my back. It could be that his head has been turned though and he’s maybe trying to end this before pursuing something more. I am going to ask him if there’s someone else. I can usually tell if he’s not being completely truthful.
I do however take on board the other comments. I think he is waiting for me to make the decision and option 1 is likely a softener. But I feel after almost 20 years, I can’t not give option 1 a try (unless there is someone else). I am going to be watching his behaviour like a hawk and whether he puts much effort into trying to reconnect. This isn’t my responsibility to fix on my own. That’ll tell me everything I need to know over the next few months.
I’m a bit shook that all the comments are saying it’s an affair or there’s no going back. Can relationships really never heal and recover?

How about you tell him he's right, you need to find the young, carefree woman you once were and to that end, he needs to take an extended period of leave from his job and become the children's main carer whilst you focus on finding yourself for a while and he can support your hopes and dreams just as you've been doing for him this last decade or so.

What is it YOU want to do? Is there a career you wish to pursue or any dreams that you've set aside to follow your husband's path?

Lots of things jump out at me.

You seem to be the one expected to set this out.
He's left you with the decision of which option to take
He knows he's done things to the detriment of the relationship - but doesn't stop doing them
He won't (no such thing as can't) help with the dc to enable you to work
I'd be amazed if there wasn't another woman, or at least someone who's caught his eye.

It's just all about him isn't it!

In your shoes op I'd see a solicitor chances are you'd get more than 50% don't being the primary carer for your children, one with special needs.
Get all the paperwork together re the business, his savings, pensions etc.
Are you a director of the business?
Do you have a mortgage or rent.
Check the website entitledto.com and work out how much you'd get benefit wise

I wouldn't want to be with someone like this, he's never and still isn't prioritising you or the dc.

The script, sorry OP

oh god, this is so like my very raw and recent experience. An OW 20 years younger than me (the same age I was when we were engaged), I sacrificed career to look after kids, he works in similar industry with long hours. I would say that if it quacks like a cheating git ..... Or if it isn't, how dare he disrespect what you have given to your family. Either way, I would start thinking at the very least about the options for a new start.

If nothing else @dontknowwhattodo1234567 please read the thread about The Script that a pp has posted.

What a self centred twat he sounds. Op when children at school tell me they 'don't know' why they were talking / using their phone / weren't in their lesson etc I usually, and rather impatiently say 'who might know then...shall we ring your Mum? ' which is exactly what I wanted to shout at your stupid dh for his comments about 'not being sure if he loves you'. Course he bloody well knows but he's hoping to place all the blame at your feet. Your whole post is all about him and his therapy, his career and how you might jeopardise that with your mental health issues and couldn't possibly go back to work full time because you need to be there for the kids. Its astonishing really that your dh, who has been non stop working...and when he's not working indulging in expensive therapy to work on himself and not once considering his poor wife's mental health (who lost a pregnancy and does the bulk of caring for an unwell child)...can't conceive why his marriage might not be feeling that fulfilling. Tell him that you want to go to some relationship counselling with him and then sit down and write a really long list of how he isn't meeting your needs please op.

I'll expect you back here within a month or two, many years of reading these sort of posts and my very own personal experience lean towards the script albeit a very cleaver one. Meanwhile get your hair done, buy a new dress and try to act carefree but be sure to line yourself up with a good solicitor and the paperwork required in such sh*t shows. I wish you well.

Oh dear, where to start...

Yes, it's the Script alright. Don't bury your head in the sand. Your life is about to implode.

You think he has given you 3 options. He is merely playing for time. You need to act NOW and get your ducks in a row. Now is not the time to rely on his good nature and hope for the best - he'll be looking after number one, and so should you.

Get all financial documentation together and engage a SHL. Check that he hasn't been hiding assets, which is very easy for self employed people to do.

Absolutely insist on 50:50 custody. He can and will make it happen if he is forced to. You've made enough sacrifices. It's time to focus on your career and maximize your earning capacity.

Cherchez la femme.

You poor thing! Your most recent post absolutely screams denial.

Look at this rationally: if he were at all ashamed of his changed feelings or if he had any real intention of reawakening romantic connection he would have come to you and said “I want to recapture our old relationship! What can I do to be more living and intimate with you? Can I spend more time with you? Shall I arrange regular date nights? I’d like to try marriage counseling. I’d like us to go away.”

He didn’t do any of that! All of those things would require work from him which he should be eager to do because ghe benefit would also be to him. After all he would get to keep his wife, children, home life. And he wouldn’t be hurting his wife and children.

Sadly the fact that he knows infidelity destroyed your parents marriage and your childhood is no guarantee that he will work hard to avoid it destroying this marriage. Au contraire it simply means that he will work a little harder to hide it from you and then blame you for “overreacting “ to a perfectly common human experience. “I can no longer go on without the woman I love” is the way he will think about it when push comes to shove.

I think once he’s laid it out there, he’s just doing it softly, it’s over op, it’s just the beginning of the end now. He may have met someone else he wishes to pursue, or he’s been unhappy for awhile in the relationship, it sounds celibate to me, but yes, I don’t think he’s genuinely offering option one. He’s telling uou it’s over. He may pretend and do option one for a few months, them say it’s not worked but he tried, either way it’s over. I’m sorry.

As far as I can see, you are on the front foot here. If he know you suspect something, he may make a move before you are prepared. Get ducks in a row before broaching it IMO. Maybe it's not an affair, but it probably is I'm very sorry to say, and in reality he's most likely not on your side.

Out of the 3 options 2 are about leaving you. Ask yourself what he stands to gain and ( and lose ) by doing that.

He stands to lose his wife, his time with the children, his home, his savings, pension and possibly his reputation. That’s a lot of losses. There has to be some benefits that make the losses worth it. And there’s only one benefit that I can think of.

It’s very likely he’s already had legal advice or squirrelled away some savings. You need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt and get legal advice pronto. If it isn’t an ow and you manage to work it out, there’s no harm done.

He’s presented you three stepping stones op.

option one, he knows you will go for that, so he does a few weeks or months of trying, says it’s not working.
them moves to option two, seperate rooms. Then he says he’s met someone.
and then the final option is put in place.

if he wished to stay with you, if it was even a slight possibility op, he’d never have suggested options 2 or 3.

uou need to get your practical head on. It doesn’t matter if he’s having an affair or wishes to get to know someone else more, in practical terms it’s irrelevant,

Do you do the accounts for the business OP? Great if you do, as he won't be able to hide money if you need to claim CMS at some point.

If he wanted to save the marriage he would only be presenting option 1 to you. But he isn’t. Sorry 😭 His mind is already made up to leave the marriage but he is firstly trying to soften the blow so it isn’t a huge shock for you. And he is being very selfish and buying time for himself - so he can still live in the home with you and the kids while he quietly prepares his new life with the woman he has his eye on.

Do not bury your head in the sand. Act now. See a solicitor asap.

You won’t want to hear it, but the best thing you can do is to tell him to find somewhere else to live for a month or two, while you both figure out what you both want. He needs to have the kids 50/50 and pay for childcare while he is at work. He needs to run his own household, washing, cooking, all life admin etc. He needs to see what life would be like if you permanently split.

If it were me and if you can afford it - just go ahead and book a 2 bed Airbnb apartment for a month. Give him the keys. Tell him he has a week notice to arrange childcare for his 50% of the time. As you will be using your 50% of the time without kids rediscovering your previous carefree and fun self. Plus job hunting!

@dontknowwhattodo1234567

"My parents divorced over infidelity on my mother’s part. He knows this, he knows the impact it left on the whole family even now. I just don’t think he’d have an affair behind my back."

Sorry my lovely but men don't think that way. Just because you were hurt by your parents doesn't mean that he will never do the same thing. Life really, really isn't like that. If he's having an affair it will be his priority, not you or your past trauma.

Believe me, men who rarely leave the house can and do have affairs. The world is a much more connected place now, it's so much easier. Your husband works 14 hour days in the film industry, are you seriously telling me he hasn't got the opportunity to have an affair?

What were these trivial lies about?

If it’s 50 50 she gets no maintenance, and I don’t think she wants 50 50, and no one wants their husband to stay so he doesn’t need to do life admin or child care. Cmon. Where is the dignity in that.

Sorry I also think there is a OW. My exH had an affair, despite his dad having done it to his mum. He was always so sensitive about it, thought it terrible, even hated seeing people on TV having affairs. I always thought it endearing about him. Yet he had an affair and dumped me. So, (sorry to say) dont underestimate him!

I think you have to get tough and practical as others have said. Get some legal advice. He’s not your friend anymore, you have to look after yourself. Look for a job - he’ll have to help with the DCs because if you divorce you need to support yourself. He cant have it all his way.