husband says he doesn't know if he loves me

[dontknowwhattodo1234567]

Hubby and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for half that time. We have 2 children, both teens. We've been through some real challenges during our relationship. We lost a child half way through a pregnancy, and another of our children has ongoing health issues that almost killed them as a baby. Since these 2 events, I've struggled with both depression and anxiety. I've been to therapy a couple of times but haven't found much relief from worries and feelings.
Over the years DH has always reassured me that he loves me and he's here for me. But we've often been distant and operating almost as individuals in the relationship. He works long hours, and often 7 days a week, particularly when he is working to tight schedules on his projects (he works in the film industry which is pretty intense). He's self employed and I am his employee as I support him with the administration/book keeping of his company. So I earn a part time salary from this. But my hours are very flexible, which allows me to prioritise the children and run the house, particularly when DH is absent because of work.
He started therapy for himself about 5 years ago, after struggling with the pressures of work and anger issues. The therapy has been super beneficial to him. He's more patient, resilient and its had a positive impact on how he has navigated his career and how he interacts with his children. He's talked more about our relationship and areas he can see that he has been detrimental to our connection, which he regrets, although there has been no actual change to his behaviour patterns yet to stop the cycle.
A month ago DH mentioned that he was having deep thoughts about our relationship and doubts that we could improve how things are. I asked for more clarification of this and he said he didn't want to discuss it yet because he hadn't got his thoughts in order. He's been working like crazy since then, 7 days a week, 12-14hr days, so I've not had a chance to talk to him anymore about it. But last night he was home by 8pm so I was able to finally bring it up.
He said that he's got doubts about his feelings for me. Says he's not sure if he loves me, but that he's sure that he's not out of love with me, if I'm making sense? He said that I've changed a lot from the young, carefree, fun girl I was when we first met and that he doesn't think we are compatible anymore. That we get on well from a parenting/friendship point of view but in terms of being in a relationship it just isn't working. He says he feels uncomfortable around me physically and doesn't want to be intimate with me because he feels awkward and that he has no instinct for how to get closer to me and regain that intimacy. He also said that he feels quite trapped by the current state of things, and that he feels if it goes on too long that he'll suddenly "push the button" which will result in him walking out on the family and disappearing. Kind of like an enoughs enough type situation and that he'll just sabotage everything that he has. Turn his back on his family, throw his job in and just shut down completely. I expressed my unease at this, we are entirely dependent on him and his career. Our entire relationship has been focused on prioritising and growing his career, something that he's always really pushed for. I left my own independent job years ago when we had children to facilitate this, and now I feel like the "button" is a threat. I expressed this to him, how it felt threatening, and he acknowledged my feelings, said he didn't intend for it to sound that way, but its how he's feeling right now.

He says as far as he can see, we have 3 choices. 1. we try to make a go of it, devote time to reconnecting, working as a real team, almost starting from scratch with rebuilding our relationship. 2. we coparent in the same house but are no longer in a relationship. We live together but have separate rooms and we live like that, as parents and friends and we reevaluate when the children have left home or 3. he leaves, finds himself somewhere nearby so he can still see the children on the weekends, but we fully break up.

He's giving me some time to think about what I want to do. I feel totally blindsided if I'm honest. I had no idea he was feeling so negatively about our relationship and his feelings for me. We've been through so much together, good and bad and I always thought that no matter what, we'd see things out together. I know I love him, but I also know our relationship needs work. But hearing him say he doesn't know if he loves me is heartbreaking and I'm not sure I can get past that.

I'm also totally reliant on him financially. I never thought that would be an issue, but now I can see that if we broke up, that could be a very real problem. My parents divorced when I was a teen and it threw my world upside down. We had to sell the home, and we had to make drastic financial changes. My dad disappeared (my mum left my dad), and he went to live abroad for several years. It was really tough in a challenging phase of adolescence. I don't want to put my own children through that.

I just don't know what to think, say, feel about it all. Can we save this marriage? Does it sound salvageable? His career has really jumped up in the last couple of years and he's been so much happier in that department that I'm shocked to hear him say he's close to throwing it all away. I'm back in therapy myself now because we can now afford for us both to go, but he says we're on different pages with it because he's been seeing his therapist for years and I'm only recently seeing someone again (it's been a decade since I last went). He says he's not sure he can wait for me to get to the stage that he is in therapy. But that just doesn't seem right to me? I didn't think that therapy was a sort of race?
Anyway, I've written way too much, but what do you all think? Can I salvage this? I honestly don't see how we can separate and keep things smooth for the kids, we can't afford to run 2 homes, the cost of living is just too much. Do I just accept that we coparent and leave it at that? Has anyone had a partner feel unsure of their feelings, and then decide that they do love their OH after all?

This doesn’t sound like much of a relationship.

Another woman may have triggered his new found ‘honesty’ or maybe not but whatever it is, it doesn’t sound like he’s invested in the rehabilitation of the relationship but he wants you to either to jump through hoops or to end it. He’s a coward and other than your fear of divorce and financial uncertainty, I don’t read why you want the relationship to continue.

It seems that you’ve both been hiding in this relationship out of convenience.

I understand how going your separate ways must be very scary but this is a very big wake up call that your financial dependence on him, isn’t the safe haven you want it to be.

Yes men don’t usually leave unless there’s another woman BUT men don’t usually have years of therapy either; I have a feeling this is the result of the therapy like a few PP have mentioned.

It seems he’s tackled the work stress problems & made improvements there, he’s also tackled the problems with his behaviour such as anger & how he relates to his children & made improvements there; so it does seem about right that the therapy has now moved on & is focused on you & your relationship as by your admission, there are problems in your marriage. I’d bet money on the therapist having asked him if he still loves you & that’s what made him actually think about it.

This!!!

The therapist is searching for something new to fix. They've told him good boy for having the conversation with her and suggested that they rediscover their romantic side hence the trips.

All this navel gazing can backfire.

I really do hope it’s a new, positive phase of your relationship. Enjoy it all BUT now you are aware of how difficult your life would be if he decided it wasn’t working for him you need to get yourself in a better place. Time to improve your career massively. It sounds like you could take on some extra work as a virtual assistant or similar. Insist on couples counselling and if he’s ‘so advanced’ in his therapy then he can drop it to fund this. Good luck OP!

I actually think this is what has happened rather an OW. My own therapist has told me it’s unusual to do it for so long without a break. I’ve mentioned that to OH who has been thinking for the last year about stopping because he doesn’t feel he’s getting so much from it anymore. In that OP conversation he did mention talking about it with his therapist. I feel this might be the catalyst for the convo. Still will check for OW evidence but my gut tells me that the therapy has had a lot to do with this. I mentioned to OH a few months back that it seemed to be making him quite egocentric, and losing his instinct to think about the perspectives of others. Honestly never thought therapy could have a negative effect. It was me that encouraged him to go in the first place 🙈

@dontknowwhattodo1234567 he might have scared himself, telling you what he told you, and the realization that this could potentially be a very big thing that will change your lives forever. So now he's putting in some work, trying to work out a way of returning to the past.
The fact that he's putting in this work now does not mean that there is no OW. In fact, it's more likely that there is. He might have scared himself realising that he wants to take things further with someone who's turned his head or there might already be an OW who issued an ultimatum and he's told her he's going to try to fix his marriage.

Of course you're not the carefree young girl he fell in love with. You're a mature woman with responsibilities, him being one of them. If that's what he wants then start sharing the domestic responsibilities.

Hes probably shagging. Certainly hitting a midlife crisis.

See a lawyer and act like a carefree girl. What he's doing is being cruel and you need to get a job that supports you , not one that panders to him. IMHO you could probably do both. Certainly you'll have access to his finances .

Going totally against the grain here - assuming there's no OW then it sounds like therapy is still having a positive impact if it prompted him to be honest about his feelings of disconnection, and now make the effort to reconnect? Rather than just let the marriage slowly die. The major mistake was the unfiltered, brutal way he told you his feelings in the first instance. He should have rehearsed this with his therapist and given you a gentle, non- hurtful version (basically just saying he feels you've drifted far apart and would like to try to fix it). His comments about you not being carefree anymore, not being sure if he loves you anymore should have stayed in his head and he should have thought about the impact on you before sharing them. Especially as he wanted "time to get his thoughts in order"

If he is shagging, I imagine it will be with a much younger woman who has all those “carefree” 🙄 qualities that single women without children tend to have.

At some point, he will make a total twat of himself when he suggests leaving you and moving in with her (so she can then look after his kids on his weekends). She will run for the hills and he will come crawling back expecting you to be grateful. Sadly I’ve seen it play out on here countless times.

Well hopefully hes not "shagging" However he seems to have checked out of the RL somewhat .Best scenario is counselling has brought him up short ,and made him realise what he would be giving up . Hence the trips planned and so on.Its common for marriages to lose their way ,esp with children and medical needs are a lot of pressure as well. Men always seem to want their wives young and carefree! Like they havent aged at all FFS!

I think it's more likely he's had his head turned than he's overtherapised himself into believing he's not in love with you. Everything he said to you is page one of The Script - almost word for word.

If he hadn't got his thoughts in order then he shouldn't have said anything to you. It's beyond cruel to drop such a bomb into your relationship and then do a 180 and book a trip to New York. How could you possibly enjoy yourself with that conversation looming in the background? You'll find yourself doing the pick me dance the whole trip - packing nice underwear, keeping things light and fun, having lots of sex - when the whole time you'll be wondering will he dump you once you're back or will things be okay again? (Not that they ever can be after what he said.)

Most likely is that he tested the break-up water with you and went back and told her and she freaked out. Now he's doing a reverse ferret because he's realised that she's not going to enable him to have the smooth transition from you to her that he imagined. He's buying time and you can't afford to let him.

You need to find your anger OP. Forget any old ideas that he is your friend and he has your back. If that were true, he never would have said something so hurtful with such callous disregard for how it would make you feel. To just throw it out there like that, out of nowhere. "By the way I don't know if I'm in love with you any more but I need to give it some thought - I'll let you know what I decide...". The arrogance!

Tell him to shove New York up his arse and fuck off to an Airbnb while he's doing it, so that you have time and space to think about what you want to do. He does not get to say something as explosive as that and then carry on as normal while he 'decides' if he's going to stay or leave. Put things back on your terms and I guarantee you he will shit a brick when he realises you're not going to start sucking his cock every night to make him stay.

You can’t force someone to do 50/50

This. The op describes a man having an affair perfectly. 'He's buying time and you can't afford to let him' - nails it.

My dad did this to my mum with the holiday
Because he felt so guilty at leaving her he treated her to the holiday first to make up for it

He did the same with the other woman when he came back she got new fitted wardrobes and a coat

True. But you don’t have to just accept that he couldn’t possibly do it, and especially not when he’s got the audacity to criticise the OP for not being carefree and fun. Make him be the one to turn round and say he doesn’t want to be equally responsible for his children and make sure everyone knows it. Especially when the OP will be left financially high and dry in a couple of years.