Hubby and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for half that time. We have 2 children, both teens. We've been through some real challenges during our relationship. We lost a child half way through a pregnancy, and another of our children has ongoing health issues that almost killed them as a baby. Since these 2 events, I've struggled with both depression and anxiety. I've been to therapy a couple of times but haven't found much relief from worries and feelings.
Over the years DH has always reassured me that he loves me and he's here for me. But we've often been distant and operating almost as individuals in the relationship. He works long hours, and often 7 days a week, particularly when he is working to tight schedules on his projects (he works in the film industry which is pretty intense). He's self employed and I am his employee as I support him with the administration/book keeping of his company. So I earn a part time salary from this. But my hours are very flexible, which allows me to prioritise the children and run the house, particularly when DH is absent because of work.
He started therapy for himself about 5 years ago, after struggling with the pressures of work and anger issues. The therapy has been super beneficial to him. He's more patient, resilient and its had a positive impact on how he has navigated his career and how he interacts with his children. He's talked more about our relationship and areas he can see that he has been detrimental to our connection, which he regrets, although there has been no actual change to his behaviour patterns yet to stop the cycle.
A month ago DH mentioned that he was having deep thoughts about our relationship and doubts that we could improve how things are. I asked for more clarification of this and he said he didn't want to discuss it yet because he hadn't got his thoughts in order. He's been working like crazy since then, 7 days a week, 12-14hr days, so I've not had a chance to talk to him anymore about it. But last night he was home by 8pm so I was able to finally bring it up.
He said that he's got doubts about his feelings for me. Says he's not sure if he loves me, but that he's sure that he's not out of love with me, if I'm making sense? He said that I've changed a lot from the young, carefree, fun girl I was when we first met and that he doesn't think we are compatible anymore. That we get on well from a parenting/friendship point of view but in terms of being in a relationship it just isn't working. He says he feels uncomfortable around me physically and doesn't want to be intimate with me because he feels awkward and that he has no instinct for how to get closer to me and regain that intimacy. He also said that he feels quite trapped by the current state of things, and that he feels if it goes on too long that he'll suddenly "push the button" which will result in him walking out on the family and disappearing. Kind of like an enoughs enough type situation and that he'll just sabotage everything that he has. Turn his back on his family, throw his job in and just shut down completely. I expressed my unease at this, we are entirely dependent on him and his career. Our entire relationship has been focused on prioritising and growing his career, something that he's always really pushed for. I left my own independent job years ago when we had children to facilitate this, and now I feel like the "button" is a threat. I expressed this to him, how it felt threatening, and he acknowledged my feelings, said he didn't intend for it to sound that way, but its how he's feeling right now.
He says as far as he can see, we have 3 choices. 1. we try to make a go of it, devote time to reconnecting, working as a real team, almost starting from scratch with rebuilding our relationship. 2. we coparent in the same house but are no longer in a relationship. We live together but have separate rooms and we live like that, as parents and friends and we reevaluate when the children have left home or 3. he leaves, finds himself somewhere nearby so he can still see the children on the weekends, but we fully break up.
He's giving me some time to think about what I want to do. I feel totally blindsided if I'm honest. I had no idea he was feeling so negatively about our relationship and his feelings for me. We've been through so much together, good and bad and I always thought that no matter what, we'd see things out together. I know I love him, but I also know our relationship needs work. But hearing him say he doesn't know if he loves me is heartbreaking and I'm not sure I can get past that.
I'm also totally reliant on him financially. I never thought that would be an issue, but now I can see that if we broke up, that could be a very real problem. My parents divorced when I was a teen and it threw my world upside down. We had to sell the home, and we had to make drastic financial changes. My dad disappeared (my mum left my dad), and he went to live abroad for several years. It was really tough in a challenging phase of adolescence. I don't want to put my own children through that.
I just don't know what to think, say, feel about it all. Can we save this marriage? Does it sound salvageable? His career has really jumped up in the last couple of years and he's been so much happier in that department that I'm shocked to hear him say he's close to throwing it all away. I'm back in therapy myself now because we can now afford for us both to go, but he says we're on different pages with it because he's been seeing his therapist for years and I'm only recently seeing someone again (it's been a decade since I last went). He says he's not sure he can wait for me to get to the stage that he is in therapy. But that just doesn't seem right to me? I didn't think that therapy was a sort of race?
Anyway, I've written way too much, but what do you all think? Can I salvage this? I honestly don't see how we can separate and keep things smooth for the kids, we can't afford to run 2 homes, the cost of living is just too much. Do I just accept that we coparent and leave it at that? Has anyone had a partner feel unsure of their feelings, and then decide that they do love their OH after all?