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Original poster

Found out husband hooking up with guys , no splitting up

123 replies

Serendipity2121 · 02/06/2024 22:54

So found the confidence to confront my husband that I’d found out he was hooking up with guys for sex.
I can’t leave for a few weeks as the house we are in is his.
husband, promising me the earth, he is avoiding the reason we are splitting up….. instead he is focusing on him not being a good husband, so promising a third chance to show how much he loves me and wants to put me first .
how he won’t work as much, we can holiday, our relationship is his priority, how seeing older couples in love is how he wants us to be .
BEST OF ALL, he wants a physical relationship with me as though we’ve just met?!!

strange since we’ve been together 11 years and two weeks into our relationship he lost interest due to his bits not working .

4 weeks ago I found out he’d hooked up with a guy and my husband was the one wearing stockings !!

I am so frustrated that he seems to see himself as the victim as I won’t take him up on his offer of a secure future.

seems I am the baddie for deciding we are finally over Snd he won’t give up on us!!!!

OP posts:
Baaliali · 02/06/2024 22:56

Can you divorce him? That would be the only question I was asking myself in your shoes. I’m so sorry @Serendipity2121 that is a horrible situation.

Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 02/06/2024 23:02

Yes we can divorce but I’m not ready to deal with that hassel as yet
i am getting my head around what’s happened
ideally I’d have left by now especially after confronting him which seemed like a good idea
I couldn’t hold it in much longer
so at the mo, I have to sit listening to him breaking his heart with regret and wanting me to forgive him and move on with a future with him
he is dangling carrots of the man he thinks I want him to be , in hope I don’t leave
NIT ONCE HAS HE EXPLORED THE REAL REASON I AM GOING TO LEAVE….. that he hooks up with stranger guys for sex 😡

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 02/06/2024 23:10

Perhaps he is not ready to come out & is not wanting everyone and his family to know he is gay/bi However you have to do what is right for you & divorce is probably your only choice as he has cheated, lied to you how does he think any of that is forgivable when he won't even discuss the real reason for breaking up. What does he say when you try to discuss his sex with men - is he in denial ?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 02/06/2024 23:32

At the moment he doesn't want to admit to the world, or possibly even himself, who he really is. And it's much easier to hide that side of him with a wife.

Take your time, get yourself in a favourable position, find out whether you have any rights or any assets (if not, would you be willing to stay in that marriage for a bit longer if the house is put into your name as well?) etc.

Do what suits YOU. He is a lying idiot, whether deliberately or not,

Clueless2024 · 03/06/2024 00:34

I'm sorry you are going through this. What a shit storm. In case you haven't already, please get an STI test.

Pudmyboy · 03/06/2024 02:08

You haven't had a physical relationship after the first two weeks together and you have been together 11 years? He's not bi, he's gay, and his 'bits' weren't working because you didn't have the sort of 'bits' he prefers!

MariaLuna · 03/06/2024 02:12

Pudmyboy has the measure of him.

Please organise an STI test tomorrow.

kkloo · 03/06/2024 02:58

He's gay and just doesn't want people to know. That's the only reason he is trying to promise you the world to get you to stay in this sham of a relationship.

NIT ONCE HAS HE EXPLORED THE REAL REASON I AM GOING TO LEAVE….. that he hooks up with stranger guys for sex

From your other post you also caught him doing this years ago, meeting up with men for sex and also transvestites....you split up, got back together and married him.

It was very naive to think that he wouldn't keep doing this, no matter what he promised. There's no point in discussing what he did with him or exploring it really.

BananaLambo · 03/06/2024 05:14

Have you said ‘We are breaking up because you are cheating on me?’ My ex DH was much the same as yours and oblivious as to why we were splitting up. He tried to get me to agree to a discreet open marriage but I’m worth more than that, and wanted a full loving partnership with someone who really loved and wanted me. I have that now and I’m a million times happier. Don't put your life on hold and don’t play into his woe is me narrative. He has wasted 11 years of your life and married you under false pretenses. You deserve better.

Thoughtful2355 · 03/06/2024 07:34

If what kkkloo said was correct then I don't have the sympathy I'm sorry, you decided to stay in a relationship with him, then marry him knowing what he was capable of. He's gay but he wants the normal family unit that's obvious.

Either walk away or stay and be the wife but know that he is is gay and will never be only yours and allow him to see others.

Printer4 · 03/06/2024 08:32

Why have you put up with no sex life for 11 years?

Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 03/06/2024 08:45

When I say he is making promises to be the perfect husband and I reply that that wasn’t the issue , the issue is him hooking up with random guys he goes quiet
but last night he said maybe he needs help?

OP posts:
forgotmyusername1 · 03/06/2024 10:45

OP - you are married to a gay man. He is Freddy Mercury and you are Mary Austin. He married you under false pretenses - probably due to a sense of shame but also a desire to have his cake and eat it. He loves you on one level but that level is not a sexual one. It was selfish of him to take the last 11 years from you knowing he could not give you what you need.

You either a) accept being in a sexless marriage and allow your husband to go and have sex with other men - basically have a housemate best friend relationship and ignore your needs but maintain financial security.

b) leave and look for someone else who actually loves you in a sexual way.

That is your choice.

yousexybugger · 03/06/2024 11:07

Sorry, it isn't clear. Have you spelt out 'i am leaving because you have been sleeping with other people again. Specifically men. You've had enough chances. I don't want a sham marriage anymore'.

Don't waste another minute of your life bearding for some random man happy to use you, hurt you and waste your life. He hasn't even the decency to explain himself honestly and discuss the possibility of an open marriage if that's his priority.

I'd probably speak to a solicitor first re assets before anything though.

HcbSS · 03/06/2024 11:10

Ughh how disgusting OP. So sorry.
Divorce asap. So glad there are no kids involved.

MonsteraMama · 03/06/2024 11:13

He's gay and in denial, and desperate for you not to 1) snatch away his smoke screen that he's been hiding behind for the last 11 years and, 2) out him to family/friends/the world by telling them why you're leaving him. (Do tell people though, don't let him make himself the victim of the piece. He will anyway but don't make it easy)

The cat is out of the bag and he's desperate to shove it back in so he can continue living his happy little lie that's been working so well for him. Repulsive.

I'm so so sorry for you, this must me such an awful shock. Hold on to the anger you seem to have, you'll need it when he realises saccharin isn't working to win you back and turns nasty.

Begsthequestion · 03/06/2024 11:18

forgotmyusername1 · 03/06/2024 10:45

OP - you are married to a gay man. He is Freddy Mercury and you are Mary Austin. He married you under false pretenses - probably due to a sense of shame but also a desire to have his cake and eat it. He loves you on one level but that level is not a sexual one. It was selfish of him to take the last 11 years from you knowing he could not give you what you need.

You either a) accept being in a sexless marriage and allow your husband to go and have sex with other men - basically have a housemate best friend relationship and ignore your needs but maintain financial security.

b) leave and look for someone else who actually loves you in a sexual way.

That is your choice.

OP I don't think you need to convince him of why you want to split. He knows deep down, even if he's not willing to admit it to himself or properly discuss it. He cheated, you know this. You have every right to move on.

Side note - Freddy Mercury said he was bisexual, not gay. He had a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends over the years.

yousexybugger · 03/06/2024 12:33

Begsthequestion · 03/06/2024 11:18

OP I don't think you need to convince him of why you want to split. He knows deep down, even if he's not willing to admit it to himself or properly discuss it. He cheated, you know this. You have every right to move on.

Side note - Freddy Mercury said he was bisexual, not gay. He had a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends over the years.

Show quote history

I could be wrong but it sounds like they both know, she would just like him to acknowledge his actions privately to her instead of whatever this performance about growing old together is. It may not be an easy topic for him but her role in life is not to smooth this over, and it is very unfair he is now trying to erase a very significant issue.

But I agree. If he refuses to have the discussion, proceed with a divorce anyway. You don't actually need his permission or acknowledgement. It would just be the decent thing to give you.

Nanny0gg · 03/06/2024 12:50

He's clearly gay

Why do you think you have no rights to the house?

See a solicitor before doing anything hasty re assets

TheTartfulLodger · 03/06/2024 14:58

Serendipity2121 · 03/06/2024 08:45

When I say he is making promises to be the perfect husband and I reply that that wasn’t the issue , the issue is him hooking up with random guys he goes quiet
but last night he said maybe he needs help?

If it is true that you caught him having sex with men and transvestites years ago but you still married him regardless then in fairness it sounds like he isn't the one who needs help here.

Secondstart1001 · 03/06/2024 23:01

@Serendipity2121 your husband is who he is. He is gay and enjoys gay sex … do you think he needs help coming out of the closet or something else?
Sounds like you haven’t slept together in years because of this so why does he think it’s acceptable for you while he’s been going out and having sex? I never say this on her but you need to leave, this is not a salvageable relationship. It’s really not fair on you.

Tillievanilly · 03/06/2024 23:13

He is in denial and hoping you play along.

Dweetfidilove · 04/06/2024 00:05

He may be in denial, but I wouldn’t say he married the OP under false pretences if he stopped having sex after two weeks and she actually knew before marriage that he likes sex with men.

If all that is true, then OP went into marriage with much awareness, so now needs to work out if/how she stays or goes. He’ll be expecting she’ll eventually brush it neatly back under the carpet, until he gets careless again. 🤷🏽‍♀️

CannotWaitToBeFree · 04/06/2024 07:25

You are married. The house “is his”? Go and see a solicitor as youll find your entitled to half of everything, especially after 11years. This marriage is over, move on

Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 20:59

I have read the open and honest posts I can see from the outside how it looks
reality was my husband said he had erectile dysfunction and I foolishly believed him .

in heinsight I can see how foolish and stupid I look to you.
feeling the only thing was not to bring his issues up so not to hurt his feelings is what I did .
so yes I can see why you think me foolish but I believed him

roll on to now and yes again feeling totally foolish

OP posts:
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