Page 2 | Found out husband hooking up with guys , no splitting up

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 21:01

We met at an age where I thought if sex doesn’t work for him there are more important things in life
knowing now he was still meeting guys
I yes feel bloody stupid

OP posts:

Secondstart1001 · 04/06/2024 21:36

@Serendipity2121 I am so sorry you have been duped like this. You have been over accommodating not to hurt his feelings and he has done worse to you I’m affraid.
I suppose you gave up on the opportunity to have dc as well ( unless you didn’t want any, which of course is your choice).
What are your age ranges if you don’t mind me asking?
Have you thought what you are going to do?
It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you to stay because you love him. I think you need some space - can you ask him to leave or can you go to friends / family?
You are not stupid trusting someone you love, don’t beat yourself up!

BeagleMumOfTwo · 04/06/2024 22:01

You are not stupid OP.
You gave him his chance to be with you.
He wants to have sex with men.
What do YOU want?
Stop thinking about his feelings and wants and focus on what you want YOUR life to be.
The time has come where you need to put yourself first and focus on your needs
It doesn't matter if he can't face being gay, or bi or whatever.
What matters is you spend your emotional resources now working out what YOU want.

Fatotter · 04/06/2024 22:06

Don’t feel stupid I worked in sexual health and this was very common in the London borough I worked in. Wives had no idea until they came to see us.

grinandslothit · 04/06/2024 22:12

He knows. he's just being disingenuous. It's not your job to convince him of anything. The only thing left to do is get things in order for you to be able to divorce him.

lordloveadog · 04/06/2024 22:14

If you are legally married, you surely share ownership of the house, unless you signed a prenuptial agreement?

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 22:43

Secondstart1001 · 04/06/2024 21:36

@Serendipity2121 I am so sorry you have been duped like this. You have been over accommodating not to hurt his feelings and he has done worse to you I’m affraid.
I suppose you gave up on the opportunity to have dc as well ( unless you didn’t want any, which of course is your choice).
What are your age ranges if you don’t mind me asking?
Have you thought what you are going to do?
It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you to stay because you love him. I think you need some space - can you ask him to leave or can you go to friends / family?
You are not stupid trusting someone you love, don’t beat yourself up!

I am 62, we met when I was 51 . My husband is 64.
it’s his house from before we met, I still have my house, which has been rented out, it is available at the end of the month.
today my husband spent telling me he’s sorry, he’ll go to counselling , he will change and win me back.
I just think, stop your bullshit I’ve had enough but…… I don’t say this …. I just listen to him talking about his feelings, his sadness at hurting me ……
I feel like I’m losing my mind lol
I wish I was more boundaries more like people who post here
thing is when it’s happening to you, it’s not as easy as the advice we give 🤗🤗

OP posts:

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 22:44

lordloveadog · 04/06/2024 22:14

If you are legally married, you surely share ownership of the house, unless you signed a prenuptial agreement?

We are
but the house is his from before we married and to be honest that’s the least of my concern 🤗🤗

OP posts:

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 22:45

grinandslothit · 04/06/2024 22:12

He knows. he's just being disingenuous. It's not your job to convince him of anything. The only thing left to do is get things in order for you to be able to divorce him.

True
to divorce or annul 🙏

OP posts:

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 22:46

Fatotter · 04/06/2024 22:06

Don’t feel stupid I worked in sexual health and this was very common in the London borough I worked in. Wives had no idea until they came to see us.

Edited

Thank yiu
i feel less stupid

OP posts:

Secondstart1001 · 04/06/2024 22:48

I think you need space away from him. He is not comfortable with his sexuality and what’s to use you further as a cover! I am glad you have your own place. It’s hard to maintain boundaries if he’s not respecting them - seems he is love bombing you. He only needs counselling to make him comfortable with who he is. You know who you are too and I think you are strong enough to just leave.

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 22:49

BeagleMumOfTwo · 04/06/2024 22:01

You are not stupid OP.
You gave him his chance to be with you.
He wants to have sex with men.
What do YOU want?
Stop thinking about his feelings and wants and focus on what you want YOUR life to be.
The time has come where you need to put yourself first and focus on your needs
It doesn't matter if he can't face being gay, or bi or whatever.
What matters is you spend your emotional resources now working out what YOU want.

I did push him today and compared him to Philip Schofield , he was agast and in full denial and seemed shocked
I have told him I need and want to focus on me now 🤗🤗

OP posts:

goingdownfighting · 04/06/2024 22:50

I think the gay thing is red herring. It's the underlying cheating and lying that's the issue here.

Get a plan for divorce.

Start asking yourself what your life will look like without him.

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 22:51

Secondstart1001 · 04/06/2024 22:48

I think you need space away from him. He is not comfortable with his sexuality and what’s to use you further as a cover! I am glad you have your own place. It’s hard to maintain boundaries if he’s not respecting them - seems he is love bombing you. He only needs counselling to make him comfortable with who he is. You know who you are too and I think you are strong enough to just leave.

You read my mind
i said he was love bombing me as he’s scared to lose me and it was unnerving and fake
and I agree again I said I need to maintain MY boundaries
and yes
he only wants counselling to validate his beliefs
i feel I am in a bad dream 😴

OP posts:

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 22:53

goingdownfighting · 04/06/2024 22:50

I think the gay thing is red herring. It's the underlying cheating and lying that's the issue here.

Get a plan for divorce.

Start asking yourself what your life will look like without him.

I agree
gay or not gay is not the question

having our chat today it’s clear this has gone on for years
him thinking we were having a heart to heart he dropped his guard and admitted it’s gone on for a long time

OP posts:

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 22:56

goingdownfighting · 04/06/2024 22:50

I think the gay thing is red herring. It's the underlying cheating and lying that's the issue here.

Get a plan for divorce.

Start asking yourself what your life will look like without him.

After spending today with him, both our armours down ……. I know I am better off away from him mentally and physically
as I told him
I have lived with this suspicion for 9 years, I thought I was going mad
truth be told, I was relieved to find confirmation he is hooking up with guys

OP posts:

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/06/2024 23:00

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 22:45

True
to divorce or annul 🙏

Show quote history

You can’t annul, because the marriage has been consummated. It may now be sexless ( well, on your side anyway) but that doesn’t entitle you to an annulment.

One of my friends actually did get an annulment due to non-consummation. It was a more complex procedure than a divorce, especially now with no fault and mutual consent divorce. It was a very difficult and intrusive process, Even if you did qualify I would recommend divorcing instead, except for religious reasons in some faiths .

I’m really sorry this has happened to you, bad faith in marriage is horrible.

DahliaSmith · 04/06/2024 23:02

See a solicitor and file for divorce, there's nothing else to be done. You don't need to offer him a listening ear for another second unless you want to. You take responsibility for your own feelings, he does the same from now on.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/06/2024 23:04

You're a beard. Of course he doesn't want you to leave, you're his 'cover' so he can live his real life in secret. I mean unless you want this to be your life/you want to be with him just to show you have a man - just go back to your own house. I can't see how you'd ever want this hook-up merchant to ever touch you again..would you? He doesn't want you he wants men. Counselling with him would be no point, you need it for yourself.

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 23:10

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/06/2024 23:00

You can’t annul, because the marriage has been consummated. It may now be sexless ( well, on your side anyway) but that doesn’t entitle you to an annulment.

One of my friends actually did get an annulment due to non-consummation. It was a more complex procedure than a divorce, especially now with no fault and mutual consent divorce. It was a very difficult and intrusive process, Even if you did qualify I would recommend divorcing instead, except for religious reasons in some faiths .

I’m really sorry this has happened to you, bad faith in marriage is horrible.

Show quote history

our marriage was not consummated
I hoped it woukd but I wasn’t

OP posts:

Original poster

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 23:12

DeeCeeCherry · 04/06/2024 23:04

You're a beard. Of course he doesn't want you to leave, you're his 'cover' so he can live his real life in secret. I mean unless you want this to be your life/you want to be with him just to show you have a man - just go back to your own house. I can't see how you'd ever want this hook-up merchant to ever touch you again..would you? He doesn't want you he wants men. Counselling with him would be no point, you need it for yourself.

I have booked myself for counselling this Friday
as I need a reality check too

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 04/06/2024 23:42

Serendipity2121 · 02/06/2024 22:54

So found the confidence to confront my husband that I’d found out he was hooking up with guys for sex.
I can’t leave for a few weeks as the house we are in is his.
husband, promising me the earth, he is avoiding the reason we are splitting up….. instead he is focusing on him not being a good husband, so promising a third chance to show how much he loves me and wants to put me first .
how he won’t work as much, we can holiday, our relationship is his priority, how seeing older couples in love is how he wants us to be .
BEST OF ALL, he wants a physical relationship with me as though we’ve just met?!!

strange since we’ve been together 11 years and two weeks into our relationship he lost interest due to his bits not working .

4 weeks ago I found out he’d hooked up with a guy and my husband was the one wearing stockings !!

I am so frustrated that he seems to see himself as the victim as I won’t take him up on his offer of a secure future.

seems I am the baddie for deciding we are finally over Snd he won’t give up on us!!!!

Get used to the feeling of WTAF.

He will insist he is the victim and sadly there are many people out there who do not expect integrity from gay men, so they will agree with him.

Go to a solicitor.
Go and get yourself every STD test there is.

Get out of this relationship asap, and hold your head high. Do not look back.

mathanxiety · 04/06/2024 23:44

You are not stupid, OP.

You did not expect to be deceived so comprehensively. Who would?

You had the terrible luck to get involved with someone who is a moral void.

mathanxiety · 04/06/2024 23:46

Serendipity2121 · 04/06/2024 23:12

I have booked myself for counselling this Friday
as I need a reality check too

Show quote history

If you get any pushback from the counselor in the form of asking you to feel sorry for your H, get up and walk out.

You do not need a guilt tripper at this point of your life.

You need someone to accept your completely valid anger, not try to talk you out of it.

SD1978 · 04/06/2024 23:46

@Serendipity2121, there was a response from @kkloo that you were aware previously and had caught him previously having relationships with me, and being interested in transvestite relationships before as well, while you were together, so he has always slept with men during your courtship and relationship?