Found out husband hooking up with guys , no splitting up

[Serendipity2121]

So found the confidence to confront my husband that I’d found out he was hooking up with guys for sex.
I can’t leave for a few weeks as the house we are in is his.
husband, promising me the earth, he is avoiding the reason we are splitting up….. instead he is focusing on him not being a good husband, so promising a third chance to show how much he loves me and wants to put me first .
how he won’t work as much, we can holiday, our relationship is his priority, how seeing older couples in love is how he wants us to be .
BEST OF ALL, he wants a physical relationship with me as though we’ve just met?!!

strange since we’ve been together 11 years and two weeks into our relationship he lost interest due to his bits not working .

4 weeks ago I found out he’d hooked up with a guy and my husband was the one wearing stockings !!

I am so frustrated that he seems to see himself as the victim as I won’t take him up on his offer of a secure future.

seems I am the baddie for deciding we are finally over Snd he won’t give up on us!!!!

You're not trapped.
You can do what everyone else does when their partner doesn't want to let them go and leave anyway.
You don't need his permission, blessing or agreement.

Well 5 months later ……. I have left.
it is something together I have worked towards .
last nights conversation turned a bit weird, where he brought up conversations that he thought I would give us a chance in the future.
interestingly in that conversation he offered if we got back together that we could bring someone else into our relationship for sex😱
I was horrified but my reaction to his disclosure turned into, he’d got the confidence to talk about what he likes and I’d thrown it in his face .

I kept reminding him my leaving is solely due to him seeing guys nothing to do with our relationship issues . So I am now the baddie for leaving him … now I am being unreasonable . We’ve discussed finances but I feel I left so he’s going to do everything for me not to have any security as I decided to leave lol
I still love him, but I also dislike him, he broke my trust and in my eyes disrespected what we had as a couple

You did the right thing

You need a good solicitor, OP.

Figure out whether you are better off financially if you divorce or if you have an annulment, and make a decision based on that. Put yourself first.

Have you seen Mr Loverman on BBC? It follows the story of an older couple where the man has been sexually involved with men for many years and his wife has no idea.

This is a truly horrible position for you to find yourself in.
The one positive thing I can think of is that as you have not been sexually active with him for many years at least he shouldn't have passed any STDs on to you.

You just need to find some way to hang on until you can move back into your own house. Is there anyone sympathetic that you could stay with in the short term?
You now need to focus entirely on yourself and be firm with him that there is no possible way back from this horrendous deception for you and you are absolutely not interested in him playing the victim or making this all about him.
Finally if you have never had sex since you married you might be able to seek an annulment rather than a divorce, although I have no idea if that is an easier process.

Hi
I have moved back to my house which I had kept and let out previously , I gave the tenants notice in May.
I can get an annulment I have looked at that and we fill the criteria .
I am feeling bitter as I have already had to ecru extra bills to move back which I can not afford .
I didn’t want to be one of those women who ask for money from their partner even as a settlement…. He is also coming into some inheritance which is a significant amount , when we were together he had plans to dorms it together . Would I be mercenary asking for half or is that something I left behind when I left ?

Congrats on making the move!

Speak to a solicitor about the financial settlement. Don't discuss anything with him until you get proper professional legal advice. Who left who is irrelevant to the settlement. It's more about how you will be able to live going forward.

Get legal advice.
Perhaps you can talk about suing this piece of shit about marrying you under false pretences that he was hetro but actually is gay and is only interested in sex with men.

You would be mad to do anything other than get every penny you can and if that means blowing up his sexual preferences, so be it.

Talk to a good divorce lawyer first to see what is most advantageous for YOU.

Get.
A.
SHIT HOT.
Solicitor.

You are dealing with a narcissist and you need big guns.

Don't "take the high road".
Don't try to be the "better person".
Don't "be kind".
Don't aim for "dignity".

You are dealing with a man who has no respect or affection whatsoever for you and only cares about himself.

No, he has decided what side he bats on. You need to sort out being happy.

If he’s getting inheritance soon, if you’re not divorced, you could claim some if it. See a solicitor asap.

Good god girl get a grip and have some self respect.

He’s a cheating liar fuck boy at best. He doesn’t care about you, doesn’t love you and clearly does not care about your health.

Have you seen what Grindr is like? They don’t care whom they fuck. It’s a glory hole or an “open door” and sex just happens. They refer to themselves as “tops” and “bottoms” and this is all that matters.

Join Grindr, it’s free, have a look and see how easily you can get fucked. It’s gross and lots of married men.

Tell him to wake up and realise that he’s gay, not your problem and not a problem. It’s ok to be human but you’re not compatible.

but you deserve respect and he’s not given an ounce of that.

Update
I know you all told me so no need for “Told you so”
4 weeks ago husband at last , said he is gay and that he feels ashamed
I guess I feel stupid, and now feel numb as I obviously new if was true before
I guess I just didn’t want to believe as I’d be in this situation

But op you left him months ago.. please tell me you didnt go back to him? I realise it would still be a shock if he finally admitted this to you but I hope you're still in your own home away from him.

We’ve remained friends
I just feel so stupid

Youre not stupid. He's the one who should feel stupid. Not for being gay.. but for treating you this way. He's so ashamed but not ashamed enough to abstain from cheating on you with these other men. Op, I think you should speak to someone in the rw for support and maybe consider some therapy to talk through how you feel especially if you can't open up to anyone in the rw.

Definitely initiate a divorce asap. And try and either make him temporarily leave or go to family or friends yourself.

He's an utter megalomaniac if he thinks he can get away with being a closeted homosexual who cheats with random strange blokes. Yeah, let's get back to the honeymoon phase?! When apparently he's incapable of getting sexually aroused by female genitalia. Scum.

He's a liar, a cheat, and he's not even acknowledging the seriousness of what he's done to you. You deserve so much better. He could've given you an incurable STI?

I guess you filed for divorce months ago ?
and are still sorting out the finances ?

or is it all done and dusted ?

Just caught up with this post. How awful.
He obviously used you to cover the fact he was gay and didnt want people to know.
He should be so ashamed of how he has treated you.

So fast forward
husband has found the strength to be honest , he has admitted he is drawn to sex with guys

hes added he prefers relationships with women but not be physical with them

we are now living apart and I realise I can be friends with him and we do have days out together and looking to go on holiday

it’s really good as it’s on my terms and I have my independence as well as a good friend

so all has ended well after so many years of fibs

take care

Edited my reply on seeing your latest update. If that works for you, fair enough. Personally I wouldn't want to stay friends with someone who cheated on me but if you're happy to, good luck to you 💐

Omg get out girl. Sending my love from Fulwood.

Well done for seeing things more clearly, but I still feel he’s been playing you and maybe continues to do so. Is he being nice because he’s worried you’d turn full on aggressive and make a claim for his assets? He has gaslit you very successfully for a long time. I hope you have people in your corner IRL you can share your feelings with. You deserve to be happy.