Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out husband hooking up with guys , no splitting up

123 replies

Serendipity2121 · 02/06/2024 22:54

So found the confidence to confront my husband that I’d found out he was hooking up with guys for sex.
I can’t leave for a few weeks as the house we are in is his.
husband, promising me the earth, he is avoiding the reason we are splitting up….. instead he is focusing on him not being a good husband, so promising a third chance to show how much he loves me and wants to put me first .
how he won’t work as much, we can holiday, our relationship is his priority, how seeing older couples in love is how he wants us to be .
BEST OF ALL, he wants a physical relationship with me as though we’ve just met?!!

strange since we’ve been together 11 years and two weeks into our relationship he lost interest due to his bits not working .

4 weeks ago I found out he’d hooked up with a guy and my husband was the one wearing stockings !!

I am so frustrated that he seems to see himself as the victim as I won’t take him up on his offer of a secure future.

seems I am the baddie for deciding we are finally over Snd he won’t give up on us!!!!

OP posts:
yestoanother50 · 24/07/2024 07:33

You do have to leave, don't be persuaded by him. I was in a similar situation (several times over) with my now exP and found it helpful to scroll through Tinder. Just window shopping and I'm sure that many of the men there are wastes of space, but it was helpful to remind myself that there are straight men out there looking for monogomous relationships and really consider whether I wanted to stay with a cheater who wasn't attracted to me. Bottom line.

Don't be persuaded by him. He's scared and your his cover.

StormingNorman · 24/07/2024 07:44

I can’t see how you come across as pathetic at all. He has behaved very badly, partly because he can’t admit to himself who he is. But that isn’t your problem in the slightest.

Please stay strong for yourself. After all this deceit you are the only one who counts now.

testing987654321 · 24/07/2024 08:09

It's very easy to be drawn back in, who wants the hassle of moving from a comfortable life? The anger does dissipate if you're polite to each other.

Would you rather live independently than with a man who has lied to you throughout your relationship? He's still doing so because he's promising the relationship you wanted at the start.

Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 24/07/2024 12:07

I am still seeing him at the moment due to where my work is I am staying at what was our home and for the other days I am living in the home I bought after my divorce but kept as extra income
we are talking but that’s just for me to learn more from my curiosity.
he is saying due to his lack of confidence and self worth in himself due to what life threw at him he has not respected his past relationships, hence doing what he did. Of course I think this is a croc of 💩 poop and annoyed by his gaslighting as I know that’s untrue …. BUT HE BELIVES THAT.
I reminded him that I’d caught him asleep with his iPad on when he had been watch gay porn of men on men several times ,
I pointed out if he feels humiliated that his bits don’t work and he’s afraid of being embarrassed with a woman or me, how come the porn he watched was not of women? he didn’t reply !
I asked how lack of confidence in himself or that he has ED has anything to do with looking at gay porn apart from simply enjoys taking part in and watching men with men
it beggars belief he thinks he can give excuses.
I get the he felt bad after encounters but that’s due to, in my opinion living a lie for his whole life and now he can sample what he wants, there comes some guilt BUT he associates that with his general day to day underlying feeling of not feeling good and not liking himself .

OP posts:
yestoanother50 · 25/07/2024 10:44

I get the he felt bad after encounters but that’s due to, in my opinion living a lie for his whole life and now he can sample what he wants, there comes some guilt BUT he associates that with his general day to day underlying feeling of not feeling good and not liking himself .

It sounds like you see clearly what is going on but he is still trying to create justifications for his feelings and behaviour. My exDP was a professional pity partier when things got to the point that I'd had enough and I'm sorry to say I fell for it over and over. Stay strong, you've got this!

Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 25/07/2024 23:43

Yes I am seeing I am falling for it

OP posts:
Justrelax · 26/07/2024 01:00

This isn't complicated, OP. He is gay. He has lived a lie and used you to help hide his sexuality. Stolen YEARS of your life rather than be honest. He is probably homophobic and not ready to accept the truth about himself.

Just get rid of him. He lied to you and wasted your time. Who he shags and when his bits do/don't work is (thankfully) nothing to do with you anymore.

Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 22/09/2024 08:54

Hi
so I stayed with my partner , we’ve managed to get on with life as friends

he has recently become captain of the golf club and has asked me to attend functions with him .
I’ve told him I can’t stand by his side and attend these functions as though we are thus happy couple . I’ve have been happy getting on with life and not focusing on what happened , I’ve been getting out, changed jobs and getting on with things nicely .
it seems he felt we were back on track

so we ended up reflecting on what has divided us as a couple.
he is still seeing his counsellor which is something and they are looking at his past which he says is helpful

when we reflected on him meeting guys , he still insists he still didn’t see anything wrong with meeting guys, he said it would have felt wrong if he’d met women !
I was flabbergasted he still thinks this way , even now he still feels there was nothing wrong letting a guy give him oral .

and he thinks I am being unfair not attending the golf club functions , but as I said, they may not know what he’s been up to, but I still feel humiliated to be seen out with him 😎

OP posts:
Greydays10 · 22/09/2024 09:50

Oh dear OP, but he's a piece of work.

I hope you have shared your arrangement with friends and are not caught up in living a lie.

I'm delighted for him that he thinks getting oral from a man is keeping his vows....

.....he'll have no problem with you sharing it with mutal golfing friends🙄

What a lying manipulative twat.

kkloo · 24/09/2024 01:10

so we ended up reflecting on what has divided us as a couple.
he is still seeing his counsellor which is something and they are looking at his past which he says is helpful

He's gay, that's what divided you.
He's going to a counsellor, so he's either going to eventually feel ok coming out, or else just keep on as he is coming up with all sorts of stuff rather than admit the truth.
So I don't see why you see that as 'something'.

when we reflected on him meeting guys , he still insists he still didn’t see anything wrong with meeting guys, he said it would have felt wrong if he’d met women !
I was flabbergasted he still thinks this way , even now he still feels there was nothing wrong letting a guy give him oral .

He's in denial and you're enabling this by pandering to the conversations.

OP you're clearly in denial yourself too. I understand that he's gaslighting you like crazy but this man is gay. Would you consider counselling yourself?

Toptotoe · 24/09/2024 01:59

It’s plain to everyone else on here that what is ‘dividing you’ is that he is gay, is unfaithful and dishonest. Please please stop talking to him and move on.

TealSapphire · 24/09/2024 03:17

Are his parents still alive OP?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 24/09/2024 04:54

He's really done a number on your self esteem and messed with your mind so badly you're believing anything. He is gay, he is cheating. If he actually believes oral from guys isn't cheating he needs serious help, not just talking to a counsellor, because that's completely fucked up. Far more likely he's gaslighting you and determined to do and say anything up to and including completely destroying you so he can keep his secret. What he says is worthless, he's showing you clearly who he is, for your own sake you need to pay attention to what he's doing rather then the lies he's saying.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 24/09/2024 07:34

@Serendipity2121 what he's doing to you is emotional abuse. I know how hard it is to see that, even when logic is screaming at you that what they're saying is completely ridiculous there's still this part of you that's been manipulated and gaslighted so much you believe them more then you believe yourself. I haven't been cheated on, but I have been through an abusive marriage and eventually left and still struggle with this. It becomes embeded so deeply within you. I can't believe reading back notes now some of the behaviour I accepted, how I tied myself in knots blaming myself for it all, trying to be good enough and yet those thought patterns are still there and I still struggle with self worth and tie myself up worrying about his reactions. Emotion abuse and cheating can really fuck with your mind. Unfortunately as we have young DC together he's a regular presence in my life and will be for a long time to come. I do though feel better than I did when we were together though. I feel lighter and freer and a big sense of relief.

Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 30/09/2024 16:07

one parent is

OP posts:
Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 30/09/2024 16:10

reading your post resonated with me as yes logic keeps screaming at me and yet i calmly listen an absorb the words he uses to keep me there.

I am honestly having a deep feeling I am ready to jump ship 🚢

OP posts:
Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 30/09/2024 16:12

I know I seem weak , it’s just scary to leave and start again

I am scared to death if I am honest
I know I am clinging on to an invisible hope

thank you 🙏 for your sensible words

OP posts:
Ziplob · 30/09/2024 16:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 30/09/2024 22:35

At the moment I do not think so

OP posts:
TealSapphire · 01/10/2024 00:30

I ask OP because I've seen it happen before where once their parents have passed they then feel free to live their 'authentic life'. It may not be a case of you leaving him, he'll quite possibly leave you.

JayCag · 01/10/2024 01:13

Oh OP, why are you willing to let this man continually make a fool of you? You’ll never be what he wants. The only thing you have in common now is that he’s lying to you, and you’re lying to yourself.

caringcarer · 01/10/2024 01:26

He won't change. You are not the sex he prefers. I'd cut my losses.

Original poster
Serendipity2121 · 08/10/2024 21:39

Thank you for your words of wisdom much appreciated and I mean this heartfelt

so I have told him I can no longer go on and I am leaving for good .

so he’s convinced he will win me back, he is convinced we have a future even though I have high lifted the flaws of our relationship
so he’s going to counselling and that will erase what he’s done by blaming something from his past …… really?

so I am trapped
I am moving out but I know he won’t let go of he, which I had not contemplated 😱😱😱😱

OP posts:
MSLRT · 08/10/2024 21:45

You aren’t trapped. Leave him and cut him out of your life. Be strong.

HoppityBun · 08/10/2024 22:04

If you’re married then you have a claim on the house, no matter whose name it is in