Found out husband hooking up with guys , no splitting up

[Serendipity2121]

So found the confidence to confront my husband that I’d found out he was hooking up with guys for sex.
I can’t leave for a few weeks as the house we are in is his.
husband, promising me the earth, he is avoiding the reason we are splitting up….. instead he is focusing on him not being a good husband, so promising a third chance to show how much he loves me and wants to put me first .
how he won’t work as much, we can holiday, our relationship is his priority, how seeing older couples in love is how he wants us to be .
BEST OF ALL, he wants a physical relationship with me as though we’ve just met?!!

strange since we’ve been together 11 years and two weeks into our relationship he lost interest due to his bits not working .

4 weeks ago I found out he’d hooked up with a guy and my husband was the one wearing stockings !!

I am so frustrated that he seems to see himself as the victim as I won’t take him up on his offer of a secure future.

seems I am the baddie for deciding we are finally over Snd he won’t give up on us!!!!

If you are RC, or if he is, and you married in an RC church, you can get a religious annulment via your diocese of residence. You have all the proof you need. It's a well run process with a rigorous protocol.

You will need to be divorced in the civil courts before you proceed with an RC annulment.

I don't know about any other kinds of annulment.

Words are so cheap, aren't they...

See a solicitor.

Make sure you are ready to file for divorce asap.

Make sure your tenants have had notice and will really move out.

So he’s booked counselling in hope
to save our marriage
he’s told the counsellor he has cheated as he has past relationship

then he turns round this evening and says he wished I got some sexy clothes so we could have some fun, just like we did when I tried to make an effort 9 years ago, only to be told I was trying too hard … and he never was interested in me after that !!!!! Snd that was our then counsellor giving us sec therapy for us to fix our relationship after he’d then cheated on guys 🥸

Please try to let this wash over you. I wouldn't bother to argue or rise to it, he knows, he just doesn't want to accept.

Only thing is you don't need to listen. You can leave him talking.

Have your tenants had notice or whatever needs to happen for you to move into your house by the end of the month?

Don't worry too much now about personal boundaries and things being different, I'd focus on practicalities and the future. So speaking to solicitor, organising move, planning, perhaps moving essential docs, valuables or items with sentimental value somewhere safe. It's only a month. Could you stay elsewhere for a bit?

Yes tenants got notice
me being mrs nice guy is smothering me

yes I am getting things ready to move and put to one side x

Walking the dog I was reflecting over the last 11 years
and some people presumed me staying in a sexless marriage and his past with guys I should have guessed this would happen
but my husband had always claimed he had erectile dysfunction,( we did go to our Gp) which was why I reluctantly gave way to a sexless marriage .
which meant thinking I was in a sexless marriage due to his dysfunction then finding out he could meet guys for what ever , was a shock to me
anyhow
I am going around in circles
so this is my last post, as the more I talk and think
i feel I am losing my argument with him

Good luck OP. You have done nothing wrong apart from being a very tolerant partner.

He's lying to himself so if he can't treat himself with respect, then you have very little chance of him respecting you.

I'd give up trying to reason with his cognitive dissonance.

Just try and extricate yourself as least traumatically and as quickly as possible. Life is too short.

THIS!!
Consult a solicitor ASAp as you are entitled to half of everything as his wife.

Freddie was almost certainly gay. If he was bi he would have married Austin. He got her a flat after revealing his sexuality, he was godmother to her son, he left his Kensington home to her in his will, he loved her, but she wasn't a man.

Sure, you know better than the man himself I guess

I think you'd be able to get the marriage civilly annulled because of him having sex with men. You could in Ireland anyway, so I'd say you can in the UK too. If ye married in a Catholic church you can also seek a church annulment and I would say you'd be granted it and would have the accelerated process, because him cheating with men would make it crystal clear he was never fit and able for Sacramental marriage.
I'm in currently undergoing the longer process, but I'm optimistic it'll be granted. Please God anyway. I only wish I could get a civil annulment as well; in fact I now think a church annulment should cause an automatic civil annulment, as the criteria of the RCC is stricter than the civil authorities, but that's just my opinion.
Have a look into annulment anyway OP! It'd be so much less of an ordeal than divorce and TBH, he was never committed to being faithful to you, was he? Plus he wouldn't be able to claim anything from you and you'd keep your house and your own assets; if he got into debt, it wouldn't affect you in any way. If he's been hiding behind you and marriage to you he is scared of people knowing he's not straight so who knows when he could end up being blackmailed by one of his hook-ups and end up financially compromised? Even if that never happened, he's not husband material! He could never be faithful to any woman, so he's not fit for marriage!
I'm so sorry OP! I think being cheated on is one of the most horrible and painful betrayals there is. It's second only to plots or attempts to kill you! I'm just over a year split from STBX and I'm doing alright but I could NEVER, EVER risk going through anything like that ever again! I'm done with men for good, whether I get my annulment or not!

He’s gay and you are his beard. A divorce would risk him being exposed so obviously he’s terrified. Which he shouldn’t be because frankly homophobia is thankfully in decline. But he has no right to expect a woman to waste her life in a fake marriage, it’s selfish and cruel.

I thought I had to wait until I was divorced to apply for an annulment but it turned out that's not the case at all! Just as well because we have to wait 2 years from the date of separation to file for divorce in Ireland so I can't file until next year but I applied for an annulment with the RCC in Feb of this year, as soon as I found out one doesn't have to be divorced first! I'm waiting to hear now and am optimistic it'll be granted!

He's a lying, cheating piece of shit who gaslighted you when you tried to make an effort to be sexy for him.

Also, please get STI checks.

no need as we never consummated the marriage as he was never aroused by me.
he always said that was due to a back injury that he couldn’t get an erection
he stands by that saying guys are more sympathetic

he’s now undergoing counselling .
I haven’t been able to move as the tenant doesn’t leave until next week
I e now found knowing for two months I’m now numb and not wanting to leave my home

I know, I am a waste of space but my anger that was fueling me has vanished

I’m so pathetic

@Serendipity2121 no you are not pathetic, you have a familiar life together and a home you have probably made together.
No amount of therapy is going to work unless he’s honest with himself. You deserve so much more but this should be a safe place for you to talk and explore. Don’t feel pressured by other posters saying Ltb, only you can make the decision. You have been very understanding and trusting of what your H told you. That’s what you do when you are in it for better or worse :(

Thank you
I can see how I may come across as pathetic. I can’t understand how I’ve gone from being angry to not caring anymore
I’ve no energy … having to stay and be civil, meant we got on better. We had lots of long conversations which he’d never have done before .
it’s seeing him as I want him to be, dismissing what he’s done , that’s how I am at the moment

I am struggling to make the break

You can have a marriage defined however you want to define your marriage. Marriage does not have to be based on only one romantic/sexual paradigm.

if you decide to forgive the infidelity, that is your prerogative. It’s not something you should do lightly. It’s not something you should do from a place of weakness or because you lack self-confidence. You are worthy of having a respectful, honest partner. You are worthy of having whatever kind of marriage you desire. If that turns out to be a deep friendship after the two of you work through your issues, then that is ok. If it turns out to be a divorce that is ok too

Your husband is sending his ambassador to woo you and tell you all the things you want to hear.

At 64 he probably doesn’t want to lose his home comforts, retire alone, go through a financial upheaval he doesn’t have earning years left to recover from, and also, you provide cover. Nobody asks awkward questions about whether he’s seeing anyone or needs a plus one because he’s married. He’s kept his sexuality a secret for 64 years a divorce threatens that. For many reasons he’s scared of being without you.

When that fear goes, it will take the ambassador with it. And you’ll have the same gay husband you’ve always had.

It is possible to stay in the marriage but you both need to be honest about the type of marriage you have and possibly open it up so you can both have a fulfilling sex life.

I’m really sorry - this is a horrible position to be in.

If you want to stay legally married and cohabiting as house sharers and friends, that's up to you.

You're not having sex with him so STDs aren't a risk.

You are free to seek intimacy (physical, emotional) etc with other people as you're not in an intimate/partner relationship and he certainly seeks it elsewhere.

You could be housemates.

It's up to you. It's clear he'd do and say anything to maintain his setup.

The only thing I'd be very careful about is assets and property. Maje sure yours are willed to whoever who want them to go to. Make sure that's in place.

Be aware he could will his elsewhere too.

I would get legal advice. Make sure you can't lose out financially, assets etc wise in this arrangement.

If you do form a relationship with someone else that has legs, you may want to leave at some point too.

OP, his primary concern as always are his needs.
Doesn't want to lose his home comforts especially as you never trouble him for intimacy.
He has taken a decade from you based on lies.
He will continue his cheating and having sex with men.

If you stay then you presumably will continue to live the lie that he is heterosexual, and NOT a gay man who has illicit affairs in stockings.
All the while having deprived you of the chance of finding a mutually loving relationship over the past decade.

He is lying scum. Tell the truth about him to family and friends.
You deserve so much better.

In saying that, there are issues with trying to be housemates and friends and pretend partners (since his motivation for the arrangement is mostly that no-one knows he's gay) when the other person is as dishonest, disengenuous and manipulative as him.

"I have ED, it's my back", "if you just wear some sexy lingerie, we could have exciting sex like we did those 5 (?) times at the start" etc etc. "I'm going to counseling".

No-one's going to be able to counsel him out of being gay. The counselling is a time buying/delaying strategy to keep you there another couple of years, then he'll try something else or hope you'll feel too old to leave.

He's so scared you're finally going to leave and maybe expose him that he's seriously going to try to force himself to get it up and shag you a couple of times to convince you he's bi and that you could have a decent sex life. I wonder if he'd even manage it, or how many times.

Mate, stop pretending you're heterosexual. stop lying, stop bullshitting,stop the delusion, stop trying to use someone as a beard.

It's also worth considering that may be does also have ED and so his hookups with other men involve non penetrative activities on his behalf. There's plenty else they could do. In fact the fact that he's wearing stockings during encounters does suggest he's playing the traditionally female, recipient role. So he doesn't necessarily need to get it up.

Just file for divorce. You don’t have to even talk to him about it - I wouldn’t bother, let him just get the papers.

You’re married so it does not matter whose name the house you use as the marital home is in. It’s legally your house too, and he can’t throw you out or anything. Like it or not.

I see what you mean about the houses longer term, yes definitely get your own house back and move out, but in the meantime- where you are is just as much yours as his.

Oh poor love / he's treated you very badly to deny his sexuality. Definitely have the marriage annulled. Just hoping that despite the sexual problems you had done affection and good times along the way to comfort you that he cared for you even if it was not a sexual relationship

It sounds that he is still being selfish and thinking only about his needs and feelings. He is not respecting your need to have some space both physically and mentally/emotionally to process what has happened and where to go from there. Even if you were inclined to continue with this marriage, his badgering of you would be counter productive.
How long do you have until you can move into your house? Can he go somewhere else for a few weeks?
By the way you are in no way pathetic, you trusted your husband and he took advantage of that. Any blame is squarely on his side.