Am I being unreasonable not to help financially?

[deb45]

Me and my husband have very different attitudes about money. I like to be stable financially and work hard to do so. I work and run a household with children (not his) and am now debt free but I don’t buy what I can’t afford and pay all bills on time as I don't like owing money. My husband works part time and lives off the generosity of others which I find annoying. Now his old car is falling apart and he really needs a new one and has asked me for financial help to do so but I don’t want to take on any more payments/outgoings or risk my credit rating. In an ideal world he’d work more hours but he doesn’t want to! He’s said that because I’m his wife I should help him but it’s left me feeling crap. I used to want to give him the world but now I feel tired and resentful

Say no. You can’t afford it.

Because you're a kind caring person and men like him can smell women like you (and me a mile off

I do think you should divorce him even if you want to keep him on as a bf he's just a financial liability being married to him will impact your credit score

I'm not sure of financial implications as we live separate lives and don't share anything financial because I'm not prepared to help him anymore if he can't help himself. We've been married six years and meet up for a few hours two or three times a week

Can you join a club or organisation that meets up two or three times a week so you can feel safe in their company and gradually see him less.

It only takes a couple of years to get divorced and if no kids or assets it can be done cheaply.

If you did a siesta turn agreement now I think that protects you against things that you may be held responsible for. Eg joint names on the mortgage if he gambles and the debt men look to recoup the money and fur e the sake of the house etc.

You need confidence and friends. Then leave him. He's not helping you.

The more you post, the worse this situation is. You are married in name only, you do not have any semblance of a proper marriage with this man. Why stay married to him?

Are you intimate, or do you just meet up for a short period and talk?

Am worried about going into too much detail in case someone recognises me

Do you have a pension or savings? In the energy of your death, he could be entitled to them because you are married.
Wouldn't you prefer any money goes to your children?

You sound like your separated but still legally married. You need to apply for the divorce, you can do that online, its straight forward. Then you need to see a solicitor for childcare arrangements as an agreement, plus financial clean break order. If you have no assests, it should be fairly straightforward. Dont bury your head in tge sand here. If you do nothing, he has claims on your income/pensions/savings. Atm hes a liability as he could rack up debts which will count as marital debts. You can be free of this. Whats stopping you?

I’m going to take that as a no, so basically you’re not intimate, spend a couple of hours together a couple of times a week, and that’s it, he’s hiv, sleeps with men, and you don’t live together or have any joint finances.

do you just like the idea of being married?

I don't have any pensions or savings or investments and nothing he can claim or inherit (unless I won the lottery!) Ironically he has a potential inheritance at some time in the future but I wouldn't expect to benefit from it or want to as I wouldn't feel entitled because of our living arrangements

So divorce him, cut him free and then, once all thats sorted, start to put into a pension etc. you can do this, its really not that difficult

We are very much intimate yes

you do have a pension through work, everyone has to.

unless you are self employed ?

I'm self employed and have not planned for the future

I have no words.

well you really ought to be throwing money into a private pension then.

can you afford to live on the state pension and pay rent too ?

But if your intimate, is he sleeping with other men when not with you?

If he gets into debt it will be your debt too if your married - he could rake up £0000's & court would come looking for you to repay it. doesn't sound like much of a marriage- you can do a divorce on line - think you should look into this

No but that's too many years away to worry about now tbh when I have too many other things to worry about!

I've no idea, I don't ask him

well it's fortunate you won't be helping your husband towards a car then as you need to prioritise your future.

I reckon you are aged 40ish as you say you have grown up children.

You are sleepwalking through your life!

Why?

Did the Mary Oliver quote in my previous post resonate with you at all?

Why are you wasting your one and only precious life on this scoundrel?