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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable not to help financially?

135 replies

deb45 · 30/05/2024 16:53

Me and my husband have very different attitudes about money. I like to be stable financially and work hard to do so. I work and run a household with children (not his) and am now debt free but I don’t buy what I can’t afford and pay all bills on time as I don't like owing money. My husband works part time and lives off the generosity of others which I find annoying. Now his old car is falling apart and he really needs a new one and has asked me for financial help to do so but I don’t want to take on any more payments/outgoings or risk my credit rating. In an ideal world he’d work more hours but he doesn’t want to! He’s said that because I’m his wife I should help him but it’s left me feeling crap. I used to want to give him the world but now I feel tired and resentful

OP posts:
caringcarer · 30/05/2024 17:58

deb45 · 30/05/2024 17:07

I'm very aware he's a freeloader but I don't know why I feel so guilty for not wanting to help him out. I used to but now Im working more hours I'm become more selfish and less willing to help

Good for you. He needs to learn to work for what he wants too.

Bananalanacake · 30/05/2024 18:01

Well done on not living together, you can still have a relationship without being married.

Theredoubtableskins · 30/05/2024 18:04

So… what relationship do the two of you have? You run separate households, don’t live together at all and you don’t even seem to actually like him.

Just get divorced.

Theredoubtableskins · 30/05/2024 18:05

You must have known he wasn’t going to contribute financially before you married him. So, you still went ahead and married him? A man who had refused to contribute any money to the household and expected to live for free off of you?

What is going on?

Terrribletwos · 30/05/2024 18:09

deb45 · 30/05/2024 17:13

I don't have any assets, I rent my property but I pay my bills and have a good credit rating and an income I can just manage on for now

So, keep it like that and live well on your own without this awful freeloader!

Why do you feel guilty, what have you done??

RobinEllacotStrike · 30/05/2024 18:26

divorce him PDQ OP

Myblindsaredown · 30/05/2024 18:26

deb45 · 30/05/2024 17:28

My children are grown up and as I said I have no assets. But it's a very strange 'marriage' I know but I do love him and yes my self esteem is low and I could 'do better' but I don't want anyone else. I've spent a lot of time alone and mentally have to detach myself from the situation as his behaviour does hurt

How much time do you spend together and are you actually intimate with him? Is he even straight?

I can’t profess to understand, you say you spent so much time alone, but surely that’s now. You are alone. What does he actually do for you?

BMW6 · 30/05/2024 18:29

How can you possibly stay in any kind of relationship with a person whose behaviour is shameful in your own words?

I don't see how you can really love him - it sounds more like an unhealthy obsession coming from poor MH and tragically low self esteem.

Your money should be spent on really good therapy - not a penny on this utter loser

Meadowfinch · 30/05/2024 18:36

Nope, not a chance. If he wants something and is physically able, he needs to get off his backside and work the same number of hours that you do.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

twohotwaterbottles · 30/05/2024 18:36

deb45 · 30/05/2024 17:03

Yes an unfortunate situation but he doesn't live with me

I'm confused. You're married but don't live together? 🤔

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 30/05/2024 18:43

Please don't be the cliche OP.

I have lost count of the amount of women I've come across who somehow have a partner/husband who doesn't have a good enough credit record to get car finance while the woman does.

Most of them end up without the car but with the payments if they've used their credit, or they might as well have thrown the money in the bin if they had enough to lend cash to their OH.

It's his problem, he lives in a way that intentionally created this problem and takes no personal responsibility for his own finances.
Don't take on that job for him, you'll end up in debt without even the slight benefit of the thing you went into debt for and he won't even be grateful once he has the thing he is after.

aimingforthesky · 30/05/2024 18:43

I think my answer to a request to help him buy a car would be " in an ideal world I would like to help you but I don't want to!"

Original poster
deb45 · 30/05/2024 18:49

I think I feel more crap about it all than guilty actually with his mentality and why he's genuinely 'with' me when we live such a bizarre and separate life

OP posts:
Rec0veringAcademic · 30/05/2024 18:57

He doesn't even live with you, yet you are bound by law to this selfish scrounger who is lazy and bad with money.

Why?

Forget about love (you don't love him, he is a habit), forget about low self-esteem. Think practical, think hard facts. He is a liability without any benefits whatsoever. File for divorce before he could have a claim on your money or pension. Get rid.

Eviebeans · 30/05/2024 18:59

Tell him that as he only works part time he has time to walk anywhere he needs to go

itsmylife7 · 30/05/2024 19:29

deb45 · 30/05/2024 17:12

Yes my decision we live apart as he wouldn't contribute financially so I look after myself financially and practically

You've answered your own question ☝️

Also, have a think about this.... you get a car on finance and then break up.!

Myblindsaredown · 30/05/2024 19:30

deb45 · 30/05/2024 18:49

I think I feel more crap about it all than guilty actually with his mentality and why he's genuinely 'with' me when we live such a bizarre and separate life

Is he even with you? Other than technically?

Original poster
deb45 · 30/05/2024 19:42

I've never thought about the long term implications of being married but not living together but as I said, I have no assets, little savings and no inheritances expected (that I know of!) hence me working hard to earn enough money to look after myself in the near future

OP posts:
Getonwitit · 30/05/2024 20:06

OP you obviously need to be told straight that you are being downright fucking stupid to still be married to this lazy cadging waster. Only an idiot would even think about giving him a single penny. Drag your standards out of the hole they are in and learn to have respect for yourself, because let me tell you, he doesn't have any respect for you. He see's you as the mug that will look after him when he becomes ill/old.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/05/2024 20:23

Getonwitit · 30/05/2024 20:06

OP you obviously need to be told straight that you are being downright fucking stupid to still be married to this lazy cadging waster. Only an idiot would even think about giving him a single penny. Drag your standards out of the hole they are in and learn to have respect for yourself, because let me tell you, he doesn't have any respect for you. He see's you as the mug that will look after him when he becomes ill/old.

Don't hold back now, @Getonwitit !

@deb45

I would have couched it in more diplomatic terms, but this PP is basically right. As I see it you are getting nothing out of this marriage other than being able to call yourself 'Mrs Waste-of-Space'.

*You don't live together
*He doesn't 'benefit' you financially (quite the opposite)
*You shouldn't have sex with him because he is HIV+
*He doesn't love you

This last is the most important. You may think you love him, but he definitely does not love you. In fact, it sounds to me as if he is contemptuous of you. No one could treat someone as he has treated you, using you, endangering your health, and have one shred of respect for them, let alone truly love them.

To answer your actual question of course you shouldn't give him any money. But I bet you're used to doing it because you're afraid you'll 'lose him'. Let me tell you something and take it to the bank, you never 'had him' to begin with. But you have surely 'been had' BY him.

TargetPractice11 · 30/05/2024 20:27

Divorce him.

Good god. Some women's bar for men is on the floor.

What does he bring to your life?

Shiveringinthecountry · 30/05/2024 20:33

No, don't do it. I really think you'd be better off without him.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 30/05/2024 20:34

I'm confused why you are still together

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 30/05/2024 20:37

Dear god op. This guy again?
any dick better than no dick?
get divorced before he takes out loans and leaves you to deal with it. Why stay financially tied to a reckless man?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/05/2024 20:40

What do he bring to enhance your life ?

apart from the fantastic sex and golden dick...

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