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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable not to help financially?

135 replies

deb45 · 30/05/2024 16:53

Me and my husband have very different attitudes about money. I like to be stable financially and work hard to do so. I work and run a household with children (not his) and am now debt free but I don’t buy what I can’t afford and pay all bills on time as I don't like owing money. My husband works part time and lives off the generosity of others which I find annoying. Now his old car is falling apart and he really needs a new one and has asked me for financial help to do so but I don’t want to take on any more payments/outgoings or risk my credit rating. In an ideal world he’d work more hours but he doesn’t want to! He’s said that because I’m his wife I should help him but it’s left me feeling crap. I used to want to give him the world but now I feel tired and resentful

OP posts:
newyearsresolurion · 30/05/2024 22:21

He's such a turn off

newyearsresolurion · 30/05/2024 22:29

Isn't it a crime attempting to knowingly pass HIV?? Like PP have said he DOESNT love u

Cornishclio · 30/05/2024 22:35

deb45 · 30/05/2024 17:07

I'm very aware he's a freeloader but I don't know why I feel so guilty for not wanting to help him out. I used to but now Im working more hours I'm become more selfish and less willing to help

You are not being selfish. He needs to work more hours. Does he pay towards bills and food? I would definitely not be helping him out financially.

Original poster
deb45 · 30/05/2024 22:36

newyearsresolurion · 30/05/2024 22:29

Isn't it a crime attempting to knowingly pass HIV?? Like PP have said he DOESNT love u

He hasn't passed it on. He takes drugs so he can't

OP posts:
Original poster
deb45 · 30/05/2024 22:38

No he doesn't pay towards bills as I have my own house and finance myself

OP posts:
WoodBurningStov · 30/05/2024 22:46

He’s said that because I’m his wife I should help

I'd have responded with 'well you're my husband, so you should work full time to help'

crockofshite · 30/05/2024 22:49

He's using you as his cash cow .

Divorce. Divorce. Divorce.

longdistanceclaraclara · 30/05/2024 22:57

What are you with him, just why?

friendlycat · 30/05/2024 23:07

No to helping him.
No to continuing with this sham of a marriage.
Just no full stop.

He has chosen to live the life he lives leeching off others. Why oh why have you chosen to be pulled down to such a low level with this nonsense.

Just arrange a divorce and move forward.

TheCheeseThief · 30/05/2024 23:10

Let's be honest, it's not a real marriage is it?

Just get it annulled and move on.

SunflowerTed · 30/05/2024 23:12

Get rid

andyourpointiswhat · 30/05/2024 23:21

This is a no brainer really. If he wants a new car he needs to do more hours at work to fund it assuming that is an option. Otherwise he might have to do without a car, lots of people do. Please don’t be guilted by his poor choices.

Original poster
deb45 · 31/05/2024 00:03

TheCheeseThief · 30/05/2024 23:10

Let's be honest, it's not a real marriage is it?

Just get it annulled and move on.

Even if I went down that route it's many years too late to get an annulment bizarre as the marriage arrangements are

OP posts:
MyWhoHa · 31/05/2024 00:06

Why are you with this parasite?

Codlingmoths · 31/05/2024 00:15

deb45 · 30/05/2024 16:53

Me and my husband have very different attitudes about money. I like to be stable financially and work hard to do so. I work and run a household with children (not his) and am now debt free but I don’t buy what I can’t afford and pay all bills on time as I don't like owing money. My husband works part time and lives off the generosity of others which I find annoying. Now his old car is falling apart and he really needs a new one and has asked me for financial help to do so but I don’t want to take on any more payments/outgoings or risk my credit rating. In an ideal world he’d work more hours but he doesn’t want to! He’s said that because I’m his wife I should help him but it’s left me feeling crap. I used to want to give him the world but now I feel tired and resentful

’because you’re my husband you should contribute to supporting us practically and financially, but you were so against this I ended up having to kick you out, so I can only assume that is some weird kind of sarcastic joke. No, I won’t be funding your car. If you really want it you would work more hours for it.’

AcrossthePond55 · 31/05/2024 00:20

deb45 · 31/05/2024 00:03

Even if I went down that route it's many years too late to get an annulment bizarre as the marriage arrangements are

Show quote history

But it's not too late to get a divorce. You say you have very little as far as finances go and no home ownership. Why not divorce him? Because even if you do he'll still keep coming around as long as he's getting what he wants from you, married or not. And you'd be legally protected from any debt he has or shenanigans he gets up to. And you'd have no legal responsibility towards him so no worries about the future.

grinandslothit · 31/05/2024 00:38

It's time to stop making excuses for him and going with the sunk cost.

There is nothing loveable about him and you know that.

He is a leech that uses people, you included.

Use the money he wants for a car to divorce him.

FlamingoFloss · 31/05/2024 00:49

deb45 · 30/05/2024 19:42

I've never thought about the long term implications of being married but not living together but as I said, I have no assets, little savings and no inheritances expected (that I know of!) hence me working hard to earn enough money to look after myself in the near future

You just said it - look after myself.

marriage isn’t about just looking after yourself - it’s supposed to be about looking after each other. You KNOW in your heart this marriage isn’t real but your head hasn’t quite caught up yet.

Catoo · 31/05/2024 01:17

Please divorce this loser OP.
This is in the best interests for your children should you acquire assets as you progress in your career etc.

You’ve let him get away with far too many things. He’s not a good partner. You can still date him after the divorce if you really can’t help it.

Michellebops · 31/05/2024 07:17

Even if you were to help financially, would he have means to pay you back?

Most likely he has no intention of paying anything back to you therefore would be a hard no!

You don't want to end up in a position where you have to work harder to recover and money and get yourself back to a place where you're at just now whilst he would be living life as he is in a shiny new car.

socks1107 · 31/05/2024 08:21

If this were the other way round people would be screaming about how it's joint money and its financial abuse that it's being withheld.
My husband bought me a little last year. Because he's my husband because he looks after me and I look after him. I do work but he earns more and was happy to help me given we are married.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/05/2024 08:24

Yanbu.

Unless he cooks and cleans for you every day and keeps the household going like a good stay at home house husband and needs the car to ferry your children about and do the family food shop, if he is that helpful then I'd get him a car.

tealgate · 31/05/2024 08:26

How long have you been married? I would just crack on with a divorce - it's not going to get better, is it?

BananaLambo · 31/05/2024 08:33

socks1107 · 31/05/2024 08:21

If this were the other way round people would be screaming about how it's joint money and its financial abuse that it's being withheld.
My husband bought me a little last year. Because he's my husband because he looks after me and I look after him. I do work but he earns more and was happy to help me given we are married.

Yes - you look after him and he looks after you. I don’t see OP’s DH going round to her house every day, cleaning it, making her dinner, ironing her clothes, doing her laundry, doing the shopping, or changing the bedlinen, do you?

PaminaMozart · 31/05/2024 08:35

Late to this thread, but here's my tuppence worth, @deb45 :

  • read Women Who Love Too Much
  • get divorced
  • make you and your needs your absolute priority
  • start living.......FFS you only get one life!
"Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do With your one wild and precious life?"
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