Mortified - Am I really that bad?

[Itsanewday5]

I'm 28 and have been single for years. I've been on and off dating sites for a long time and I normally don't let things get to me. I know how men can be and half of them on there only want sex. Hope for the best but expect the worst is the way I try to look at things.

I've met quite a few people off them and it's either not worked out after some time dating or I've realised that there wasn't a connection after meeting and vice versa. I've always been honest and said "sorry not for me" as I don't like to string people along and most of the men that I've met have done the same thing. I think it's the right thing to do and it doesn’t need to get nasty.

Anyway, I started talking to a man last Friday and we hit it off straight away. The conversation just flowed and we were talking every day on the phone up until yesterday. We had a lot in common and just seemed to make each other laugh constantly. He said he hadn’t had a connection like this with someone for ages. All good. We had plans to meet this weekend but he asked me to meet him last night as he couldn’t wait any longer to meet me. He lives an hour away so we agreed to meet up at a pub for some drinks/food.

The date went really well, or so I thought. Lots of laughs, good conversation, a bit of kissing. He said he wanted to see me again this weekend. He didn’t text much last night but it was late when we both got home so I just assumed that he’d gone straight to bed when he got in. I sent the last text and woke up this morning to no reply (I know he gets up at 5-6am as he mentioned it and I didn’t wake up until 8). I sent another message just to say have a good day. Anyway I’ve just checked my phone and he’s unmatched me on the dating app and blocked me on WhatsApp. WTF?!

I’m not sure what’s up with me as normally I’d just shrug it off and move on but it’s really upset me and I’ve had a little cry this morning over it. I think it’s just knocked my confidence and I’ve been sat here wondering what I did/said wrong. We had food at the pub and I’m not sure if it put him off watching me eat. I am slightly over weight but he knew this beforehand as my pictures show my body and we spoke about it (he’s also on the heavy side). I know that probably sounds silly though. I’m embarrassed but I’m not sure why, like I did something wrong. Am I really bad that he felt the need to block me without an explanation.

I know I need to give my head a wobble and nobody on here can do anything but I just wanted to vent I guess. I’m also facing redundancy at work at the minute so generally just feeling a little down and I think this has just knocked me and made me feel worse. If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading…

Well he's either in a relationship and had a night to himself hence the urgent 'I can't wait' reason to meet earlier. Or he was after sex only and when he didn't charm you into it he's decided that your boundaries are strong and you'll see his red flags from a mile away.
I'm thinking option 1 - he's met up earlier because he was never going to be able to do a weekend because of the wife and kids! Don't be surprised if he suddenly unblocks you when he's 'available' again. I suspect that he works away.
Whatever the reason is stinks like bad fish and he's probably very practiced at doing this.
Do not blame yourself - he's just a snake and a good one at that by the sounds of it.

Just like to add that you sound switched on and fabulous. Please don't give him another thought and block him. It's definitely not you my lovely. Hope the work issue sorts itself out and you get to keep your job x

I think you created a too close connection before you met, easily done when you're excited about meeting someone new, but it makes the blow harder when one isn't as keen, after the date he should of said thanks but no thanks but led you to believe he wanted a second date, that's crap behaviour but you can't do much about it.
Also with you facing redundancy, I wouldn't date atm until you feel more secure in that part of your life, it will have an overall effect on you.

Sorry to hear this has happened to you. It can be so confusing when men come on full on and very much into you and then disappear. It's not nice at all.
This has absolutely nothing to do with you & all about him. Hes probably seeing someone else and had to ghost quickly before he gets caught or hes a bit if a player and seeing lots of people.

Please DO NOT start putting yourself down! He was kissing you and chatting and getting on face to face with you , he obviously found you and your body attractive so that's not it.

Your too good for him, anyone that ghosts and blocks is a coward and you have had a lucky escape , please try and look at it in this way

Also like someone else has said he may actually be married , to be in such a rush to meet on that night in particular says he is limited in his free time.

So at the start of the year I had a week long romance with someone who I had a few incredible dates with, chatted with all week, and which generally felt incredibly different to anything I’d experienced before on dates- comfortable, peaceful, and very real.

after an incredible date where he’d been far more emotionally open and openly excited about it than I was, I got a message saying he was feeling anxious and he couldn’t carry on.

over the following weeks and months I tried to re-engage with him and he confirmed it was amazing but he had xyz reasons he couldn’t meet up etc.

it is nearly 6 months later and he still occupies more in my mind than I want him to. But through a lot of reading i am now very secure in knowing this was not me, it was all him.

don’t let it take you six months to get over this self-doubt, get over it now- healthy people with healthy attachments don’t do what just happened to you. It isn’t anything about you- he was probably exactly the same as this guy and felt too many feelings and ran away from it, because they don’t know how to deal with it. Look up avoidant attachment.

im really sorry someone did this to you, because what I went through, and I see myself as a strong independent woman, messed with my head more than anything I’ve ever experienced, and it’s so hard because it feels so irrational with something so short lived that it’s very hard to talk through with people because it feels embarrassing.

don’t feel ashamed for believing in human connection, it’s what keeps the world caring.

It’s not you it’s him. Hes a coward to not even reply to tell you he’s not feeling it. Please don’t blame yourself.

As others have said he’s probably either attached or got another date lined up for the weekend. Or he was after a shag and you kept your boundaries.

It is shit behaviour from him so dust yourself down and be pleased he’s shown himself straight away and not further down the line.

That’s not nice especially as you thought it went so well. Would you have felt better if he had sent the ‘no spark’ message? Better than blocking you I suppose.

I wouldn’t read too much into it or analyse it as you will never really know what the problem was.

Yeah honestly it sounds like he’s either married or was testing your boundaries for sex.

Its not you, he’s a jerk.

If he tries to get back in touch at a later date don’t reply and just block.

Please don’t beat yourself up! It’s definitely him, not you.

It could be a number of things - married, only after sex, it doesn’t really matter because the bottom line is decent men don’t act like that . And you deserve a decent man.

You’re allowed to be sad, but only for today! Then you need to dust yourself off and keep being fabulous, the way he acted does not decrease your value. I hope you’re feeling better soon, be kind to yourself x

Genuinely don’t give him another thought. But also, don’t chase. Ever. Double messages etc. are for when there’s a mutual relationship already established - if a man wants you he’ll be doing the chasing, the messaging, the calling, the arranging. It’s a clichè but it’s true and if you don’t chase you can’t feel silly afterwards.

I think online dating is genuinely a numbers game. Dust yourself off, have a night with the girls where they take some gorgeous photos of you to add to your profile, and back on the horse.

You sounds absolutely lovely and you’ll find someone worth your time. Don’t give this idiot any more headspace. x

Christ how outdated is this. Why is it okay for a man to chase and double text?

100% in agreement with others here, it's definitely not you, but him.

It's really shoddy of him to be such a childish coward too, whatever his reasons/issues with himself.

Just be glad he's shown you who he is so quickly and you won't need to waste any more than one date with him. 💐

Honestly op you can’t win them all. You didn’t do anything wrong and unless you’ve appalling table manners and licked your plate it is unlikely to be the way you eat.

it just means in real life he wasn’t feeling it, and that you’ve had a lucky escape as he didn’t have the balls to tell you.

pay it no heed, really. It’s not about you.

People will speculate as to why he did this, and I know you want answers, and someone might actually hit on the truth but it actually doesn't matter because you'll never know.

What is important to remember is that he unmatched with you without any explanation. That's completely on him and nothing to do with you. OK, if you chewed with your mouth open, spoke with your mouthful and spat food over him or made racist comments in front of him, that might be you... but my point is that you would already know if you behaved in a generally unacceptable way!

But you need to reframe ot as a lucky escape because you wouldn't want to be with someone who just blocks with no explanation anyway - would you?

And be more wary of men who tell you they've "never felt a connection like this" before you have even met them.

If he'd put you on a pedestal after such a short time, you were bound to fall off it at some point.

Thats really rubbish - what a jerk! People should treat others with respect and courtesy - you sound like a lovely person but don't let this put you off.

After a date I have always said thanks for meeting, if I am keen I will ask if they fancy meeting again, if not I will probably leave it at that. Often it has been a sort of mutual thing where she doesn't reply and thats fine. if she did ask to meet again and I didn't I would simply say thanks but no thanks as I didn't feel the initial spark I needed/was looking for but all the best.

Look at it this way, despite the pain today, it may have been a lucky escape!

"Couldn't wait to meet" = I want to see if you're up for instant sex / i am in a relationship and can only do certain times without causing suspicion

Sorry he's got under your skin OP. Shake it off and keep going, you'll find someone worthy eventually.

It's def not you!

It’s a fact though - if men like you and want to be serious with you they put the effort in. Why waste your energy on someone who isn’t doing so.

@NorthernInLondonx but you could say the same the other way round? Why should a man carry on if the woman doesn't seem keen?
I decide who I like, not waiting round for a man to decide if I'm worthy 😂 same with women who wait for proposals.

Depends if you’re happy to be ignored / ghosted. In the early days I wouldn’t give a man the opportunity. Reply of course, send one message but never double. I just wouldn’t give someone the opportunity to make me feel silly! You must have more confidence than me.

If someone is going to ghost/ignore then that's what they'll do.

If their ego is so fragile that they can't cope with a woman who knows what she wants rather than sitting on the sidelines waiting to be chosen, they're not the sort of man I'd want anyway.

I wouldn't feel silly if a man didn't reply. I'd just know he wasn't interested and move on.

If you're the sort of woman who prefers to let the man take charge, then do that. If you're the sort of woman who wants to he able to express her own needs and wants, then do that. There is no fundamental right or wrong. Both approaches will filter out the sort of man who would be incompatible with you. And that's the whole point of it. It's what you want!

It's not a fact though.

It's true of some men. And not true of others.

Some men also like to be the ones who initiate sex or expect to have the final say in joint decisions or to be able to have some say in their partner's career, friends, hobbies etc too. Some men dont think they have a role to play in raising children or doing household chores either. And maybe these men are more represented in the men who want to be the one who chases. And less represented in the ones who are happy for a woman to also take the lead and see women as an equal.

Little signs as to a person's character are everywhere...

It's best that women behave in a way that is true to themselves.

@NorthernInLondonx Okay I get you. Yeah I don't mind rejection, people don't vibe for all sorts of reasons and I've not taken things further with plenty of people so I don't mind it the other way round. And I don't get attached easily.
I just cringe at the idea of women waiting to be chosen, cringe in a caring way I mean. Just want women to know their worth

He's married or in a relationship and that's why he can't meet at the weekend.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments, it really has made me feel better and made me realise it's not my fault and I've done nothing wrong.

It could be anything but I agree that he's either married/in a relationship or just wanted a bit of fun and I didn't give in to him. He said that he'd been single for the last 3 months after a 13 year relationship so maybe he got cold feet too but who knows! There really is no point in trying to guess but I'm glad he's showed his true colours early on.

I think it just surprised me because I'm an honest person and don't like to string people along and certainly wouldn't just block someone without saying anything, but not everyone's like that are they. He has two daughters, the eldest being 12 so I just hope that nobody treats them the same way when they're older as I'm sure he wouldn't like that. X