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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mortified - Am I really that bad?

107 replies

Itsanewday5 · 30/05/2024 09:56

I'm 28 and have been single for years. I've been on and off dating sites for a long time and I normally don't let things get to me. I know how men can be and half of them on there only want sex. Hope for the best but expect the worst is the way I try to look at things.

I've met quite a few people off them and it's either not worked out after some time dating or I've realised that there wasn't a connection after meeting and vice versa. I've always been honest and said "sorry not for me" as I don't like to string people along and most of the men that I've met have done the same thing. I think it's the right thing to do and it doesn’t need to get nasty.

Anyway, I started talking to a man last Friday and we hit it off straight away. The conversation just flowed and we were talking every day on the phone up until yesterday. We had a lot in common and just seemed to make each other laugh constantly. He said he hadn’t had a connection like this with someone for ages. All good. We had plans to meet this weekend but he asked me to meet him last night as he couldn’t wait any longer to meet me. He lives an hour away so we agreed to meet up at a pub for some drinks/food.

The date went really well, or so I thought. Lots of laughs, good conversation, a bit of kissing. He said he wanted to see me again this weekend. He didn’t text much last night but it was late when we both got home so I just assumed that he’d gone straight to bed when he got in. I sent the last text and woke up this morning to no reply (I know he gets up at 5-6am as he mentioned it and I didn’t wake up until 8). I sent another message just to say have a good day. Anyway I’ve just checked my phone and he’s unmatched me on the dating app and blocked me on WhatsApp. WTF?!

I’m not sure what’s up with me as normally I’d just shrug it off and move on but it’s really upset me and I’ve had a little cry this morning over it. I think it’s just knocked my confidence and I’ve been sat here wondering what I did/said wrong. We had food at the pub and I’m not sure if it put him off watching me eat. I am slightly over weight but he knew this beforehand as my pictures show my body and we spoke about it (he’s also on the heavy side). I know that probably sounds silly though. I’m embarrassed but I’m not sure why, like I did something wrong. Am I really bad that he felt the need to block me without an explanation.

I know I need to give my head a wobble and nobody on here can do anything but I just wanted to vent I guess. I’m also facing redundancy at work at the minute so generally just feeling a little down and I think this has just knocked me and made me feel worse. If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading…

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 30/05/2024 16:13

He was 100% cheating. Loved the thrill and was then faced with the guilt.

Getonwitit · 30/05/2024 16:16

His loss. Sorry you are hurting but you deserve much better than him. Have little cry and ignore and if he comes crawling back in a few weeks ignore him.

SallyWD · 30/05/2024 16:19

I think that's apalling behaviour on his part! What a way to treat someone. I could never do this. Please don't blame yourself. You sound lovely.

BobbyBiscuits · 30/05/2024 16:24

He's very flaky and immature if he couldn't just have been upfront and politely said he felt there wasn't a spark. You deserve much better. You like people to be straightforward and honest about their feelings and he ain't that clearly.
I highly doubt he was put off you eating? If so does he want to date someone who has had their jaw wired shut? Everyone has to eat! You said he was big anyway so he can hardly have an issue with someone else enjoying food.
Anyway, just forget him. He was clearly not what he seemed. He could've been bloody married or a psycho for all you know.
You'll find someone loving and kind who likes you for yourself I'm sure.

Steakandwine · 30/05/2024 16:49

You want to be with a man that never makes you second guess yourself if a guy really likes you and is genuine he won't pull this crap. Unfortunately you have to kiss a few frogs as they say. Might be a good idea to go on a different dating site.
When I was single it was so different as you tended to meet people while out so I'm not clued up re dating sites must be like a minefield.

Ps as others have said he could of been a player/ in a relationship for all you know so don't put yourself down

horriblequestion · 30/05/2024 17:05

This happened to me, OP. He couldn't wait to meet me, we met up sooner, and he vanished. Then he came back, and vanished again. I think he had struggles in his life and mental health problems (he def wasn't married). Online dating is getting worse, so expect more of this type of behaviour, as horrible as it is.

Feelsodrained · 30/05/2024 17:53

He sounds like a dick. Too much of a coward to say he didn’t want to take it further. Also you dodged a bullet - 3 months out of a LTR breakdown, very possible ex-issues, playing stepmum to nearly teenager before you’re 30 - no thank you. Have higher standards and thank your stars this didn’t go further.

Zeroperspective · 30/05/2024 18:26

Haven't RTFT only your replies. Obviously he's a knob and you've had a lucky escape! Ghosting is triggering for me so I really do understand the hurt. One thing jumped out at me....he's blocked you on WhatsApp but I've known a lot of people forget to block you from calling/texting as well. I would be very tempted to text him and point out that you would hope his DDs never meets a man like him and that the responsible respectful thing to do is just message and say I'm not that into you. Then I'd have a glass of wine in celebration of a lucky escape before getting back on the dating sites and trying again. If you are blocked on text and phone then you should still be able to leave a voicemail. Maybe the right thing is just to forget him and put it behind you but I'd like the last word and to tell him he's a prick

(Also I don't want to kick you whilst you are down but I do feel the need to correct you....I'd say it's a LOT higher than half of men on the sites looking just for sex lol I'm on the sites too and the majority red flag out really quickly but there have been a few gems so don't give up, they aren't all wankers)

Helengreggregson · 30/05/2024 18:31

NorthernInLondonx · 30/05/2024 10:23

Genuinely don’t give him another thought. But also, don’t chase. Ever. Double messages etc. are for when there’s a mutual relationship already established - if a man wants you he’ll be doing the chasing, the messaging, the calling, the arranging. It’s a clichè but it’s true and if you don’t chase you can’t feel silly afterwards.

I think online dating is genuinely a numbers game. Dust yourself off, have a night with the girls where they take some gorgeous photos of you to add to your profile, and back on the horse.

You sounds absolutely lovely and you’ll find someone worth your time. Don’t give this idiot any more headspace. x

Totally Agree with this post and not to chase in future. However it is clear that this guy is a loser and not worth your time.

lto2019 · 30/05/2024 20:23

It's a shame when you think you think things are going one way and then they go another. Even if he is not married/with someone he is a rude fucker. Rude fucking rude rude rude rude. They do it because they can and because they have the emotional intelligence of a gnat. It takes a few minutes to say sorry - I realised on my way home I am not over my previous relationship/ don't want to start a relationship etc . People who have not got the manners to do that - fuck him - his loss.

Genevie82 · 30/05/2024 21:30

StrawberryWater · 30/05/2024 10:20

Yeah honestly it sounds like he’s either married or was testing your boundaries for sex.

Its not you, he’s a jerk.

If he tries to get back in touch at a later date don’t reply and just block.

This!

Toastiecroissant · 30/05/2024 21:41

There’s a few things here, don’t talk to men you’ve just met about your weight. Don’t txt them twice without receiving a response. And don’t base your self worth on a strangers opinion. There are a lot of idiots on online dating, don’t take their shitty behaviour as your personal failing, it’s not, he was shitty and that’s on him! You’re only 28, not finding someone yet is ok, I think you need to do some work on your self esteem though (most of us do at 28!)
And if you are looking for a relationship, men just out of very long term relationships are not the way to go!!
good luck hope you meet someone lovely on the app soon!

setitup · 30/05/2024 21:48

To be completely honest, I think your timeline went a bit too fast. He’s already making declarations of you being the best person and having an unreal connection then you kissed in the space of less than a week? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with kissing, just that all in combination it seems like things were moving at a quick pace and like he was love bombing almost. It could be that he finally thought things through and slowed down and realised it wasn’t what it initially seemed for him, and maybe the connection or attraction wasn’t there. That’s fair enough because I think anyone would still be considering those aspects in a normal pace of dating, after knowing someone for less than a week. That doesn’t mean anything negative about you.

C1N1C · 30/05/2024 21:56

From a man.. he didn't particularly fancy you during the night. He did what he thought was the 'nice thing to do' and tried at least, showed you a good time, probably had a good time too, and left making you feel happy about the night...then he dropped the axe the next morning.

I'd do this too... they've put the effort into the date, so have you, so you make the most of it. You might actually have a really nice time but simply don't feel the spark. It's 'safer' than that awkward "yeah I'm sorry, I just don't fancy you" face to face thing.

setitup · 30/05/2024 21:58

Also the fact he is in or has just come out of a recent long term relationship, and has multiple, older kids would put me off him. Do you have children?

If not, I think you could find someone who has a similar lifestyle to you. He’s in such a different stage of life to you, that’s bound to cause issues at some point.

He may very well still be committed to or have significant feelings for his ex - you could be a rebound or someone to pass the time.

Original poster
Itsanewday5 · 30/05/2024 22:04

@C1N1C thank you, appreciate hearing it from a man's perspective. It's absolutely not an issue if he didn't find me attractive and I understand it might be awkward having that conversation face to face but a text to say "thanks for a nice night, just not for me" or something along those lines would have been better than just blocking me on everything. It's just not a nice way to treat someone whatever way you try to spin it.

OP posts:
School99 · 30/05/2024 22:06

So my hunch is that he’s getting back with his ex and he doesn't want her to know he had a date with you. If it was that he just didn’t fancy you but didn’t have the maturity to tell you, he would have just gone quiet in my opinion.

Original poster
Itsanewday5 · 30/05/2024 22:07

@Toastiecroissant thank you! I appreciate the kind advice. Just to clarify though, we didn't really talk about my weight in detail, it was more of a "oh I love food too much haha!" conversation if that makes sense and he also said the same thing about himself. Sorry if I didn't make that clear in my op x

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsanewday5 · 30/05/2024 22:11

Thank you all again for the lovely comments and advice, it's very much appreciated. I'm feeling much better now and will just put this down to experience. Tomorrow is a new day!

OP posts:
Roryhon · 30/05/2024 22:14

I think it’s natural that sometimes there isn’t any chemistry in person, even though there seemed like there was before you met and were messaging. It’s not a reflection on you. We simply don’t click in all the right ways with everyone. But it’s unforgivable and cowardly to just ghost and block when the other person has done absolutely nothing wrong. He’s been very rude. So while I totally understand why you’re feeling flat and let down, please try not to take it as a reflection on you, or think that you’re doing something wrong. You’re not. And he was just rude. Sounds like a cliche, but it’s better to find this out early.

Catnipcupcakes · 30/05/2024 22:22

Yeah, I think he’s married. A lot of it just rings bells thinking back to blokes I’ve been on dates with (and this was before internet dating was a thing) who then turned out to be married.

You’re obviously not unattractive and sound very switched on.

80s · 30/05/2024 22:24

The first time I tried OLD after a long marriage, I had one date with a man and then for various reasons we couldn't meet up again for another 10 days or so (both going away). In that time we texted and it almost created a false relationship, as if we were a couple when actually it had just been the one date. When I got back I realised that actually I didn't want to meet him again - the date had been OK but he had talked about his ex in a way that made it sound like he wasn't ready for a relationship. But because of this texting, it felt really embarrassing to suddenly announce that I wasn't interested. It took me ages to find the right wording. I bit the bullet and wrote something but he was probably still a bit pissed off, after all the texting!
Maybe this guy realised he wasn't ready to date so soon, or that this false intimacy had made things weird, and he couldn't come up with a good way to explain it after he'd been trying to be enthusiastic, so he chickened out and is now sitting at home cursing his stupidity.

Toastiecroissant · 30/05/2024 22:26

Itsanewday5 · 30/05/2024 22:07

@Toastiecroissant thank you! I appreciate the kind advice. Just to clarify though, we didn't really talk about my weight in detail, it was more of a "oh I love food too much haha!" conversation if that makes sense and he also said the same thing about himself. Sorry if I didn't make that clear in my op x

Totally understand but I don’t think you should be putting yourself down to men you don’t know, however brief or jokey it’s delivered!

user1984778379202 · 30/05/2024 22:54

You sound really lovely, so please don't think this was because of anything you did or didn't do. This is on him, and also on online dating, which allows men to behave like dicks. The right person is out there for you, I swear. (Mine turned out to be someone I'd known for years, but the timing had never been right. So maybe look closer to home!)

bananabread2000 · 31/05/2024 02:17

The thing I used to find hard with OLD was everyone always has at least 2 or 3 people on the go at once. So even if he's genuinely single etc. he could be going to dates with several other people at the same time and maybe just clicked better with one of them. I had a similar situation where I had a couple of great dates, lots of nice texts and chat and then out of the blue (for me) he told me he'd met someone else instead. I was gutted, but got over it and a few weeks later met the man who is now my husband of 13 years.
Have to say though, ghosting is a shitty, cowardly way to back out so in the long run maybe you had a lucky escape.