Mortified - Am I really that bad?

[Itsanewday5]

I'm 28 and have been single for years. I've been on and off dating sites for a long time and I normally don't let things get to me. I know how men can be and half of them on there only want sex. Hope for the best but expect the worst is the way I try to look at things.

I've met quite a few people off them and it's either not worked out after some time dating or I've realised that there wasn't a connection after meeting and vice versa. I've always been honest and said "sorry not for me" as I don't like to string people along and most of the men that I've met have done the same thing. I think it's the right thing to do and it doesn’t need to get nasty.

Anyway, I started talking to a man last Friday and we hit it off straight away. The conversation just flowed and we were talking every day on the phone up until yesterday. We had a lot in common and just seemed to make each other laugh constantly. He said he hadn’t had a connection like this with someone for ages. All good. We had plans to meet this weekend but he asked me to meet him last night as he couldn’t wait any longer to meet me. He lives an hour away so we agreed to meet up at a pub for some drinks/food.

The date went really well, or so I thought. Lots of laughs, good conversation, a bit of kissing. He said he wanted to see me again this weekend. He didn’t text much last night but it was late when we both got home so I just assumed that he’d gone straight to bed when he got in. I sent the last text and woke up this morning to no reply (I know he gets up at 5-6am as he mentioned it and I didn’t wake up until 8). I sent another message just to say have a good day. Anyway I’ve just checked my phone and he’s unmatched me on the dating app and blocked me on WhatsApp. WTF?!

I’m not sure what’s up with me as normally I’d just shrug it off and move on but it’s really upset me and I’ve had a little cry this morning over it. I think it’s just knocked my confidence and I’ve been sat here wondering what I did/said wrong. We had food at the pub and I’m not sure if it put him off watching me eat. I am slightly over weight but he knew this beforehand as my pictures show my body and we spoke about it (he’s also on the heavy side). I know that probably sounds silly though. I’m embarrassed but I’m not sure why, like I did something wrong. Am I really bad that he felt the need to block me without an explanation.

I know I need to give my head a wobble and nobody on here can do anything but I just wanted to vent I guess. I’m also facing redundancy at work at the minute so generally just feeling a little down and I think this has just knocked me and made me feel worse. If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading…

He seemed over eager to bring the date forwards. Try not to be too available from the start or it could look like you are easy to manipulate. If someone wants to bring a date forward, it's fine to say " sorry I'm busy then", even if you're not.
I'm sure, given the way he behaved on the date, that he did fancy you. You should know from experience that a lot of men simply lie on OLD. Gushing that he'd "not had a connection like this for ages" before you'd even met, was possibly a red flag clue. It sounds like a line to suck you in. It's fine that you missed it (would of given me the ick for being too full on and the reason for bringing it forward too) but it was more subtle than other flags. Genuine people are usually more cautious than full on.
He could of just been in the area for work and set up someone to dine with, or he's attached and likes a bit of female attention on the side.

He said that he'd been single for the last 3 months after a 13 year relationship

That stood out to me as it’s moving in very quickly and maybe he realised he’s not ready for anything more than a few dates or no strings sex yet.

Whatever his reason though there’s no excuse not to drop a quick ‘sorry I’m not feeling it good luck’ text.

But 💯 it’s on him not you so let him fade off into history

@SamW98 you're completely right, it was a red flag that I should have picked up on. He said he'd been single for 3 months but that they'd been unhappy for the last year and it was a mutual agreement to split so I didn't think much of it tbh. I like to take people at face value but I probably don't do myself any favours sometimes

Did he pressure you for sex?

@Lampslights no he didn't, well I don't think so anyway. We were in the pub for most of the night and then sat in his car outside for around 10-15 minutes chatting/kissing before we both left. He did touch my boob as we were kissing but nothing unusual if you know what I mean, just in the heat of the moment I guess. Obviously we couldn't have sex in a public place which I'm sure he was aware of 😂 not that I would have sex on the first date anyway.

Maybe he took the hump because I didn't invite him back to my place, I'm not sure. Although he said himself it was nice just to meet and get to know each other a bit better so it didn't come across like he was just looking for sex.

This! As a mostly reformed over-thinker, I say find peace in knowing that you will never know. Trying to interpret another person's behaviour is a waste of your time and imagination. And it really doesn't matter what his reasons are because he is not the man for you. I have never, and would never, just unmatch and block a person I had met in real life unless there was unacceptable behaviour (like misogyny, racism, rudeness etc). I have a low opinion of people who do this so be thankful you've dodged this bullet. You want a man with decency and he does not have it.

Sounds like the date went well. I am sorry you are sad but sounds like you’ve dodge a bullet as his behaviour was not great. Block him yourself so you have some control back.

I’m genuinely sorry this happened to you. You sound fabulous and it really is his loss.

When men ghosted me, I found it helpful (after the initial grief) to imagine a reason that cheered me up. For example, he got home and told his longterm GF that he’d fallen in passionate love with you and they were over. In a jealous rage, she 🔪 him then blocked you on everything. She’s now looking into plastic surgery to turn herself into you (like in The She Devil show from years ago), because you’re amazing.

so if they unblock you later, ignore. It’s not him, he’s under the patio. It’s her. wanting recent photos of you to show her surgeon.

The absolute best advice!

He's a wazzock. You didn't do anything wrong. You're feeling bad because you misjudged him, thinking he was a mature human who understands how to treat people properly. Carry on being yourself, maybe take your next few dates a little slower, till you've got your confidence back.

Just be thankful you only wasted a few days of chatting before this happened and move on - you sound lovely and online dating can be brutal so might be time for a break from it

I have no advice but didn't want to read and run! Just wanted to say it's obviously not you! There is someone out there waiting for someone just like you, and whenever it happens, it'll be worth the wait 🩷😘

I would just say as a word of advice going forward that when they start with the ‘best connection ever, not felt like this before’ nonsense on the first date or even before you’ve met, they’re invariably talking complete and utter shit.

You need a bloody thick skin to internet date. I started as a romanticist and finished a realist. I hope you meet someone nice soon.

I think the chances of this being due to something you did wrong are less than 1%. Perhaps you ate with food dribbling out of your mouth or cackled like a hyena at your own jokes, but I doubt it.

Perhaps you treated him with interest and respect, showing the signs of a woman who is on the hunt for a serious relationship, not a quick shag. More likely... but that's his problem, if he runs from it, not yours.

Or, as PP said, perhaps he is already with someone and fancied an affair then got cold feet. Or got found out.

Overall, there is nothing for you to feel bad about. One person acted like a tosser in this scenario and it wasn't you.

This is so true. It's How to Catch a Woman Trick #1

No you’re NOT bad and this isn’t to do with you. As others have said it could be that he’s in a relationship etc, but as someone who did loads of online dating before I met my partner, I’ll offer another possibility.

if you build up a really strong connection with someone you haven’t met then you can easily build up an impossible expectation of the relationship IRL. It’ll rarely live up to this. This isn’t your fault (or his), it’s just the nature of online dating.

that doesn’t excuse him ghosting and blocking you though. That’s immature and cruel and you’ve dodged a bullet quite frankly.

You're allowed to be upset so don’t beat yourself up.

so if they unblock you later, ignore. It’s not him, he’s under the patio. It’s her. wanting recent photos of you to show her surgeon

So funny. OP, you've had a narrow escape!

If he could treat you this badly when he's just met you, think how he treated his wife during their (probably still ongoing) marriage.

@DoingJustFine sorry, but that's weird.

Op, some of these responses are bonkers. He just wasn't that into you, it's that simple.

Online can be weird. And it's not you, it's him. Cliche, but true.

I once matched with a guy online. We chatted for a few days, nothing 'full on', a few messages here and there, a few jokes (he was always to message first). I liked him on the surface, he liked me. One day I was free, so I thought why not organize an impromptu meet, a quick coffee of something. So I message him and suggested him this. He went quiet for a bit and replied with 'um... it's very unusual for a woman to ask a man on a date, I'm not sure about this..'. I was a bit gobsmacked, laughed, though 'what a weirdo..' and forgot about it.

Turns out, he was a friend of a friend of a friend and we accidentally met at one party we were both invited to. After I 'asked him out'. When he met me, he was very eager to go on that date and explained his former refusal with something about 'who's wearing the pants in the couple' or some such. And then was amazed I laughed and told him flat no.

You're liable to meet all sorts of weirdos. Try not to dwell on it, OP.

@DoingJustFine absolutely love this! Oh that gave me a good giggle, thank you!

@Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy completely understand he wasn't into me. That's not actually the issue, as disappointing as it is. Just the ghosting I thought was harsh!

There's nothing wrong with you, you sound lovely. It's definitely not your weight if your pics were representative so please don't start thinking along those lines and putting yourself down.

IME there's quite a bit of variance in how to discontinue things after one date if not feeling it.

It doesn't always suggest anything nefarious, just that there's no set etiquette and OLD is a bit of a wilderness. There's also quite a bit of variance in what people prefer to receive. Some folk like to send a 'thanks but no thanks' in all circumstances, some block (I think this is overkill but I suppose it stops old matches texting randomly years later), some let it fizzle quietly.

I was a bit of a 'let it slider' when dating unless asked out again directly. That's because I found it quite condescending after one date being turned down when I hadn't expressed further interest.

It sounds like you guys got carried away at the pre date chatting stage and a bit over invested then for whatever reason he's decided not to continue. It's not personal after one date but can feel that way if you've put too much time in. Best thing is to remember nothing is real until you've met in person. You're not getting to know someone until then. I'd suggest one call max with a view to checking they are who they say they are.

Don't think the worst, just maintain perspective and move on. You didn't really know the bloke and will meet someone who is interested soon xxx

But it takes two seconds to send a text saying you're not interested and wishing the person good luck.

All of this op!