Please help me regain sympathy for elderly MIL

[Triffid1]

I 100% KNOW I am being unreasonable, which is why I'm not posting in AIBU.

MIL is 80. She is a bit frail after a fall a few years ago (and yes, I appreciate this is mean, but part of the problem is she refused to do the physiotherapy that the doctors wanted her to do at the time which, naturally, has had a longer-term impact on her mobility).

She has also always been someone who has this strange and unusual combination of, on the one hand being independent and competent and on the other, ridiculously helpless and fearful. Depending on the situation. In particular, new things have always stressed her out. I suspect she has pretty severe inattentive ADHD (like at least one of her grandchildren, and probably at least one of her children) that, being a woman of a certain age, was never even vaguely diagnosed and so she just got on with it and taught herself tools to manage. One of these is being very resistant to new situations/change and needing excessive preparation (eg, when she travels, she starts packing a MONTH before).

I say all this because I think this impacts massively our current situation. She promised DD MONTHS ago that she'd take her shopping. It's something they've always enjoyed doing together (stopping often for cake!). But MIL has been ill, had a flare up of her sore leg etc so it hasn't happened. We recently discovered that a shopping mall a bit further away from us than our usual options has free mobility scooters if pre booked. DD was thrilled and called MIL immediately to tell her that we could go to tihs place instead as that way she could have a mobility scooter....

.... MIL said no. She doesnt think she could use a mobility scooter.

I am so annoyed and upset on DD's behalf. I KNOW I'm being unfair. She's old, and frail, and this is completely outside of her comfort zone. But it's so frustrating. And full transparency - this is not the first time she has let our DC down for this sort of reason (in fact, it's not even the second, third or fourth time....)

My dad tells me I must be patient. I agree. But HOW?!

She's 80 years of age for goodness sake. I know my mum would find using a mobility scooter daunting having never used one and she is neuro typical. Talk to your daughter and explain the shopping may be off the cards now. No need to be upset or annoyed about it.

She's 80, my nan is 80 and I couldn't imagine her coping going shopping with a mobility scooter and she's neurotypical.

Need to accept she's getting on and can't do what she used to. Stop forcing her.

Have you ever used a mobility scooter? They can be pretty speedy and difficult to manoeuvre. Fine if you use it every day and are used to it, daunting as a one off use.
YABVU. Manage your DD expectations and find some empathy. The world will look completely different when you are 80, have some thought to how you would like others to feel/act about your behaviour.

she promised DD MONTHS ago that she'd take her shopping. It's something they've always enjoyed doing together (stopping often for cake!) How old is dd? Is it the shopping or spending time with Gma she wants? Could you not drive them both to a cafe and they could have cake time then?

Blimey. Life expectancy for women is around 80. I would be wrapping her up in cotton wool, not sending her out in a scooter!

Mobility scooters are not easy to use. The one my DM hired at an event had what looked like a bike brake to squeeze to go faster, and you had to release it to stop. You can imagine what happened…

A manual push wheelchair was the answer to freedom.

I say all this because I think this impacts massively our current situation

I am so annoyed and upset on DD's behalf.

this is not the first time she has let our DC down for this sort of reason

Your MIL is 80 and frail, has been ill, had a flare up and has limited mobility, and all you can do is make a big drama about her not taking DC on a shopping trip.

Strange behaviour on your part, IMO

This is actually the crux of it. Honestly, no. Right now, MIL is pretty much refusing to do anything so if DD wants to see her, she has to go there. Which she does as her and MIL get on well (MIL won't come to our house but that's not unreasonable - we only have an upstairs bathroom and she doesn't do stairs anymore).

As other posters have said, of COURSE I am being unreasonable. I know that. The problem is that she's not as frail as she thinks she is (for example, she still drives. She travels to visit family, albeit with a lot of effort) etc. She's also 100% mentally there and possibly one of the smartest people I know. Also, I have a number of relatives who are older than her and a lot more capable. And the final issue is that she's been like this for years, it's just getting worse.

But I'm not being fair. I do know that.

Are you scared of anything, OP? Really scared?

Maybe imagining being pressured to do that thing, while you also feel physically unwell, with relatives blaming you for letting down someone you love, might give you a glimpse of how she might feel?

I'm 33 and wouldn't want to use a mobility scooter. I struggle with my mobility due to disability and unless I felt competent on one there is no way I'd use one in a shopping centre

She uses wheelchairs when travelling but won't use them elsewhere. I'd happily push her around in a wheelchair, as would any of her children or grandchildren. I do sympathise with her on that.

But thinking about it, she might let DH push her in a wheelchair (golden child!). I might look into that.

Maybe she doesn't want to be 'the old lady in the mobility scooter'? Everyone looking at her, worrying about accidentally crashing into something and making a scene?

You say yourself she has severe adhd too. You need to give her a lot of leeway. Expectations are overwhelming especially when you feel vulnerable after being unwell.

The last few posts have been really helpful. thank you.

Needless to say, like with anything like this, it's about history as well. I have lots of resentment towards MIL for this sort of behaviour from long before she became genuinely frail - starting when DH and I first got together 20+ years ago. I can't count the number of times she's used helplessness to either not do something (particularly frustrating when it's something she had said she would do but then somehow couldn't), or to manipulate her children and grandchildren in some way (I don't think it's conscious but it was annoying).

So it's not a new thing, but it IS different now in that she is physically less capable. Which is why I'm trying to be more understanding.

My DM capitulated when she decided she was doing it for me, so we could still do fun stuff together. She didn’t want to be that elderly frail lady and she didn’t want me to have to do all the work.

We bought it as an essential to get to hospital appointments, but then it extended to be our passport to garden centres and parks so we could go and eat ice cream and look at plants together.

Can you frame it differently for her? No “I don’t mind” and more “I’d really love to be able to do this with you”. Appreciate that this is not your DM though… The whole elderly parents thing is totally exhausting…

Give the woman a break OP. At 80 years of age she obviously hasn't got the will or the energy to do these things anymore. Seriously leave her in peace it's cruel to force or guilt trip someone of this age. I think you and your dd are being very selfish.

@SnakesAndArrows up to a point, that is probably a good way of doing it. And it MIGHT work if DH approaches her (not me, not DGC and not SIL) because DH is her golden child and is the only one who can get her to do these things sometimes.

The problem is that she is also an intrinsically selfish woman and always has been so she's not particularly interested in doing things for someone else.

As I said, my irrational resentment now does come from a history of what I think are reasonable frustrations from the past.

Really you lot are all so ageist. At 89 my mother was still hopping on the bus with her yoga mat. You get old by not trying.

My MIL, a little older than yours, can't or won't organise anything although I think it's about failure to take responsibility.

I leave her to DH to deal with and don't give her head space. Accept she won't get out and about any more. Send your dd to visit. You will ha e to be the one to take her shopping. Hopefully her grandma will treat her for the trip.

I'm disabled.

It's not as simple as that. Sorry.

Mobility scooters are a fucking nightmare to use. When I was first disabled I got one. They have the turning circle of the titanic, the speed controls are unreliable. I hit so so many people and things.

Shops were absolutely impossible. Most shops of shopping centre types have the rails so close you have absolutely no chance of manoeuvring the damn thing around the shop. I used to leave it outside the shop and do the shop on crutches.

Wheelchairs. So my ExH used to push me in a wheelchair. He had no sense of direction or any sense of danger. He'd push me in the road with oncoming traffic and I'd be constantly saying "Hi, I'm scared of the traffic please can we go on the pavement". They are hard to get up and down kerbs if you are not used to it and you can easily hurt the person in it.

I doubt very much that your mil will do any of these to accommodate you for all the reasons above (I no longer let anyone push me in a manual after someone tipped me out) but yes,you are being unreasonable.

My husband’s aunt refused physio. She really should have walked after her fall but she never did.

She has also always been someone who has this strange and unusual combination of, on the one hand being independent and competent and on the other, ridiculously helpless and fearful.

My DM is a similar age and has always been like this. It is an unbelievably frustrating combination to deal with and so I do feel for you. Similar to you there is a long and complicated back story which has really impacted my capacity to be as patient and understanding as I should be now she is getting older and some things are genuinely getting much harder.

Gently, YABU, but you know that. I know IABU often with my own DM and I do try not to be. But God it isn't easy sometimes.

@Flossflower Yes, my father and aunt are like this. but I do try not to apply that to MIL who is genuinely more frail. But I think you're right - she's never tried and that has annoyed me for years, so this is just the icing on the cake.

I think you'd be best served limiting your DDs expectations when grandma makes a promise.
I'm sure in the moment she says it she really means it but if she has any type of neurodivergence that hasn't been addressed it will be much harder to overcome the realities and obstacles she faces to achieve that.

Honestly, I think you could try being a bit more empathetic to her situation. I see from my own mum (82) that she is reluctant / fearful to go new places and do different things. It's different I know, because she is my mum, and I love her very much but I just do whatever she is comfortable with and don't push her. Why would I want to make life more difficult for her at this stage of life? I really wouldn't, pushing her into situations she is not comfortable with would accomplish nothing only cause her worry.

Perhaps you and your DD could come up with some other options for her to spend time with her gran other than sitting in the house or going shopping. My mum loves garden centres and parks, coffee shops, she absolutely loves the theatre. Perhaps they could come up with something that is 'their thing' rather than just shopping (my mum finds wandering around shops exhausting / boring and wouldn't in a million years use a mobility scooter).

I just try putting myself in mum's shoes - 80s can be a scary time with health issues, losing family members and friends, the fear of falling (again) etc. I sometimes find myself getting a little impatient and maybe a little snappish but I always rein it in and remember I (if I'm lucky!) will be that age someday and hope people will show me the same compassion.