Please help me regain sympathy for elderly MIL

[Triffid1]

I 100% KNOW I am being unreasonable, which is why I'm not posting in AIBU.

MIL is 80. She is a bit frail after a fall a few years ago (and yes, I appreciate this is mean, but part of the problem is she refused to do the physiotherapy that the doctors wanted her to do at the time which, naturally, has had a longer-term impact on her mobility).

She has also always been someone who has this strange and unusual combination of, on the one hand being independent and competent and on the other, ridiculously helpless and fearful. Depending on the situation. In particular, new things have always stressed her out. I suspect she has pretty severe inattentive ADHD (like at least one of her grandchildren, and probably at least one of her children) that, being a woman of a certain age, was never even vaguely diagnosed and so she just got on with it and taught herself tools to manage. One of these is being very resistant to new situations/change and needing excessive preparation (eg, when she travels, she starts packing a MONTH before).

I say all this because I think this impacts massively our current situation. She promised DD MONTHS ago that she'd take her shopping. It's something they've always enjoyed doing together (stopping often for cake!). But MIL has been ill, had a flare up of her sore leg etc so it hasn't happened. We recently discovered that a shopping mall a bit further away from us than our usual options has free mobility scooters if pre booked. DD was thrilled and called MIL immediately to tell her that we could go to tihs place instead as that way she could have a mobility scooter....

.... MIL said no. She doesnt think she could use a mobility scooter.

I am so annoyed and upset on DD's behalf. I KNOW I'm being unfair. She's old, and frail, and this is completely outside of her comfort zone. But it's so frustrating. And full transparency - this is not the first time she has let our DC down for this sort of reason (in fact, it's not even the second, third or fourth time....)

My dad tells me I must be patient. I agree. But HOW?!

This is actually a really good point. I've been doing this for myself for years but it's time to start gently preparing DD for this. It's harder for her as she really does love MIL and at a purely interaction level, they are very close so she finds it completely mindblowing when MIL promises her something and then doesn't deliver. We had complete hysterics last year when MIL announced the day before DD's big dance show that actually, she wasn't coming after all.

So you are really upset over this but you havent actually said if your dd is or if she is being more understanding. If MIL is 80 it's a reasonable assumption that we are not talking about a young child. Therefore your dd is perfectly capable of finding something else to do with her grandmother - online shopping perhaps.

My step dad is like this it's very frustrating I do think you need to pull back .she isn't capable of taking your Dd anywhere she is frail and frightened of frailty that is why she is promising things and not going to physio, I can't believe you thought it was fine for your dd to phone her about scooters just stop maybe suggest a wheelchair and she can go out but you and her son .need to stop expecting too much of her.

Perhaps you and your DD could come up with some other options for her to spend time with her gran other than sitting in the house or going shopping. My mum loves garden centres and parks, coffee shops, she absolutely loves the theatre. Perhaps they could come up with something that is 'their thing' rather than just shopping (my mum finds wandering around shops exhausting / boring and wouldn't in a million years use a mobility scooter).

Currently, the only thing MIL will do with DD is let DD visit her. I am hoping this changes over the next few weeks as she recovers more fully from her recent illness. MIL will not, however, go to parks or to theatres. She quite likes a garden centre so hopefully her, DD and DH can get back into that in due course. She also will not do things in places she doesn't know - in a few weeks DD is having "watching week" at her dance school, but MIL will probably not come to that. She MIGHT come to a dance show that's being held in a few weeks but I've purposefully not mentioned MIL coming to DD and have suggested to DH that in a week or so he talks to his mum about how he can facilitate it. But to be fair, it's an outdoor venue so there's no handy way to get her in so I wouldn't blame her if she decides its too much. With normal shows we can usually pull up at the entrance and then go to park the car elsewhere.

I don't know what age your daughter is but it needs to be explained that grandma is older now and really wants to do things but can't and lower your Dds expectations.

Yes, my child knows that if grandma suggests something with the inference that she is going to buy the thing for her that it won't usually happen.

Classic example being oh have you seen those really fancy Easter eggs from (can't remember where) would you like one - yes. Come Easter Sunday, not only is there no fancy egg there is no egg full stop and also no apology (my daughter knew this would happen as she never buys her an egg or an advent calendar). Same with a hair dryer thing - promised it without checking the cost and then said oh I didn't realise it was that much.

It's very irritating but I agree best putting energy into explaining to your child it has nothing to do with her worth it's very much a grandma thing.

I don't think my mum is ND though, well she isn't, she is just very self centred.

DD is 10. And yes, she's upset.

I really don't mind the posters teling me I need to be nicer. They are right.

@Mrsjayy however, what on earth is wrong with DD telling her about mobility scooters? MIL was telling DD the other day that she had used one before - she lives 6 months locally and 6 months with another family member not here. I get that I'm unreasonable to be annoyed that she didn't want to use one but I am not going to agree I'm unreasonable to have suggested it. Am I now supposed to second guess and never let DD invite her grandmother to anything in case its something MIL doesn't want to do? That's ridiculous.

Can these dance shows be recorded ? So Dd can show her ? I also think you need to lower your own expectations of what your MIl can manage.

Make it into an online shopping things at home, with nice cake, just also teaching your daughter empathy.

Frustrating for you though
.

I don't know why you are overreacting to what I said you are allowing your daughter free reign to phone .her grandmother when you know full well she is frail and ill why are you doing that without actually checking with .Mil first.?

Interesting idea. MIL doesn't do online shopping (don't even get me started - she doesn't think it's safe but is QUITE happy to use our Amazon account for us to buy things for her. hahaha.) but she might let DD do that and it could be fun.

We do record shows when we can or other similar things. Not always possible. And actually yes, MIL is briliant about watching those with DD. One thing that I have always liked and respected about her is that she's not always a very practical grandmother but she's always been quite happy to give the children time, albeit on her own terms. When DD was younger, I'd quite often wander into her room to discover DH had set up skype for her with MIL and the two of them would be sitting there while DD showed MIL all her dolls or whatever. It was very sweet. And why I want her relationship with DD to continue - it has been a good and lovely thing for them both.

She's 80 and frail.

It's perfectly normal for people to talk about things they would like to do in the future such as days out, holidays, home improvements even when due to ill health they are never going to happen.

I'd explain to your DD that Granny would like to go shopping with her, and may talk about it but Granny is frail so not to get excited about a date.

This!

I think you have to just start looking at 'how can we share things with MIL in a way that works for her'. So stop taking her to shows and watch them afterwards with her at hers, stop going shopping together and do it online with her, don't take her out for tea and cakes take some round to hers instead. If a garden centre is something she feels good about then stick to going out to that and having something at the cafe as well perhaps. Stick to places she knows and you know she likes. It sounds like she just wants a quiet life with the things she knows and is comfortable with.

Keep in mind she might also find it difficult to say no to your dd as she might not want to disappoint her (not sure if this could be the case).

so if DD wants to see her, she has to go there

And that's absolutely fine. That's what many people's experience of a grandparent is - visiting and perhaps having a little treat.

I'd get your DH to take her though as it sounds like you can't see this elderly woman rationally. Hopefully this thread has helped you find some desperately needed perspective.

The shopping centre near me provides wheel chairs free of charge. Light weight , easily.pushed.

At 10 she is still learning about empathy and needs her parents showing her that.

As for the dance school - could you try more with that/ maybe diagrams of the lay out so she would know in advance how far she'd have to walk and some pictures of what it looks like to prepare her.

You say DH is the "golden" child so MIL has more than one and therefore is quite possibly needing to be close to toilets these days. When you talk about her going somewhere do you tactfully cover that with her? Where is the toilet at the dance studio, for example? Have you talked to your dd about the problems of old age and how these make it more difficult to go anywhere?

Whether she has used a mobility scooter before or not using an unfamiliar one in a shopping centre, possibly with crowds, is different to using one, say, outdoors.

Yes. Unfortunately, I'm the one who has to deal with DD's disappointment. She's already learnt there's no point complaining to dad, he won't ever side with her over granny.

Don't get me wrong, he's not some mummy's boy who lets his mother rule the roost. And he gets why DD gets upset. He just doesn't think she should (for all the reasons so many people have flagged on this thread), so doesn't give her a stitch of sympathy. I'm the one who has to help her learn to manage these emotions, expect less etc.

It's all good though. this thread has been helpful to get more perspective and a bit of a slap for me, with a few practical ideas we'll try.

She is 80 ffs cut her a shit load of slack!!

A lot of your frustration with her seems to be coming from her neurodivergence. A lot of living with undiagnosed adhd is fear, confusion and anxiety. I'm sure she desperately wants to do things with dd and go to her dance shows and stuff, which is why she says yes but when it comes down to it, her disability is preventing her from doing it. It may look like selfishness from the outside but ADHD is incredibly complicated and very difficult to live with. You need to manage your dd's expectations. Your dd having a meltdown about the dance show - is it possible your dd has adhd too? Maybe a bit of RSD?

Suggesting MIL goes to a different shopping centre where she might be expected to use a mobility scooter when she already feels frail has probably pushed her over the edge of what she can cope with so it's a no.

If there's a shopping centre she's familiar that she's been to before, and would let dh push her in a wheelchair then suggest that.

my nan was probably adhd. Of course she was undiagnosed. I spent a lot of time with her in her later years - there were places she was comfortable to go, and places she could push herself to go but it took preparation and time and had to be within her parameters. And places she just couldn't go because the anxiety was too much and it got worse as she got older.

But granny isn't able either physically or mentally it doesn't matter if you think she has this or that Dad is obviously going to support his mum in this all you both need to do is keep telling your dd she is a n old lady and can't always manage. Dd needs to start accepting this however upsetting it is for her.

She's already learnt there's no point complaining to dad, he won't ever side with her over granny.

What?! This is all so toxic. Where on earth would a ten-year-old child get the idea that she could make demands of her granny? That she should complain about her granny (unless abusive)? Clearly from you.

Only you have put your DD and MIL on different "sides". Presumably as a way of persuing the resentment you feel towards your MIL.

Take a big step back and get help, OP. Your behaviour in all of this is very unhealthy.

My DM is as you describe your MIL. However I’m fine with only doing things within her comfort zone. Since the fall her perception of risk has massively changed as she understands (and fears) the helplessness of being injured more. During recovery she aged considerably in her outlook and her view of her abilities. She will only drive to the supermarket and my house at this point, but that’s good as she still can do these things.

Sounds like it would be much simpler to tell your daughter “Granny is no longer physically up to this plan, it’s not going to happen” than to get angry about disappointment. Your daughter would probably find it pretty stressful if there was an incident with the scooter and her grandmother injured herself or had a panic attack. Just find another way they can connect. And if your daughter isn’t interested in that, fine.

I'm the one who has to help her learn to manage these emotions, expect less etc.

Where did these expectations come from? Granny promised something, has further health problems and can't go ahead. This doesn't need to elicit unmanageable emotions in a grandchild unless someone has been stoking the situation.

Is your DD old enough that you can explain that her granny is talking about things she’d like to do but as she hasn’t been well it’s not practical?

I am glad that you can see you are being unreasonable. I think you need to be guided by what your Mail feels she can do, not what you feel she ought to be able to do, and help your DD manage her expectations appropriately.