Please help me regain sympathy for elderly MIL

[Triffid1]

I 100% KNOW I am being unreasonable, which is why I'm not posting in AIBU.

MIL is 80. She is a bit frail after a fall a few years ago (and yes, I appreciate this is mean, but part of the problem is she refused to do the physiotherapy that the doctors wanted her to do at the time which, naturally, has had a longer-term impact on her mobility).

She has also always been someone who has this strange and unusual combination of, on the one hand being independent and competent and on the other, ridiculously helpless and fearful. Depending on the situation. In particular, new things have always stressed her out. I suspect she has pretty severe inattentive ADHD (like at least one of her grandchildren, and probably at least one of her children) that, being a woman of a certain age, was never even vaguely diagnosed and so she just got on with it and taught herself tools to manage. One of these is being very resistant to new situations/change and needing excessive preparation (eg, when she travels, she starts packing a MONTH before).

I say all this because I think this impacts massively our current situation. She promised DD MONTHS ago that she'd take her shopping. It's something they've always enjoyed doing together (stopping often for cake!). But MIL has been ill, had a flare up of her sore leg etc so it hasn't happened. We recently discovered that a shopping mall a bit further away from us than our usual options has free mobility scooters if pre booked. DD was thrilled and called MIL immediately to tell her that we could go to tihs place instead as that way she could have a mobility scooter....

.... MIL said no. She doesnt think she could use a mobility scooter.

I am so annoyed and upset on DD's behalf. I KNOW I'm being unfair. She's old, and frail, and this is completely outside of her comfort zone. But it's so frustrating. And full transparency - this is not the first time she has let our DC down for this sort of reason (in fact, it's not even the second, third or fourth time....)

My dad tells me I must be patient. I agree. But HOW?!

I'm in my 70s and my mobility could definitely be better but I've been driving for 50 years so I'd definitely give a motor scooter a go. Especially in a mall.
Is there any way your MIL could get to practice on one, either there or somewhere else (a shop that sells or leases them?) before the outing with DD?
Or would she find that too difficult too?
If she still refuses then there's not much you can do I'm afraid. Commiserations to your DD, and I think you will have tried your best.

Being elderly, ill and with mobility problems is NOT ‘letting someone down’..

It’s hard for you to accept MIL how she is and on her own terms, with increasing frailty, existing ND etc. and to accept that she isn’t (can’t be) the granny she once was, or that you would like her to be.

So imagine how hard it is for HER to accept new constraints, new frailties , new ideas like mobility scooters etc.

Support your Dd to understand that her grandmother is getting older, and things change. It is unrealistic to imagine that grandparents don’t age, and show different manifestations of that process.

You seem to be reacting badly to the fact that your Dd is upset. Rather than blaming MIL and holding on to unrealistic expectations, support your Dd to have more resilience.

You seem to be reacting badly to the fact that your Dd is upset. Rather than blaming MIL and holding on to unrealistic expectations, support your Dd to have more resilience

This is solid advice

I think your world gets smaller and smaller as you get older. My DM is 83 and shows similar traits, although not ND. Still mobile and with full faculties.

Earlier this year I took DM away on a long trip including a huge time zone change. I arranged the trip around her, and we factored in more days and nights into the trip so that things went at her pace… ie at a snail’s pace!

We had long discussions over the itinerary.

DM said she wanted to go, paid the deposit, then went wobbly on me and said she didn’t.

Then said she did want to go, and paid the full amount.

THEN said she didn’t want to go after all… with 10 days to go.

Drove me bloody bananas. 🤬🤬🤬

However, we did it, with a lot of cajoling (through gritted teeth) on my part and by day 3 she was loving it. Has since returned home and has booked herself on a (oldies) singles trip.

The one thing she remarked on was a saying… As You Become Older, you Become ‘More So’

Whatever characteristics we have when we’re younger, get stronger as we age. Sounds a bit like your MIL, @Triffid1

For those posters saying that 80 is old - life expectancy for an 80-year-old woman is 90 (according to the ONS life expectancy calculator).

Obviously everyone's health/personal circumstances vary but the idea that an 80-year-old is necessarily frail is neither true nor helpful.

Could your daughter and her grandmother not do anything together other than shopping? How about transporting them somewhere to have a nice afternoon tea or lunch together? See a film or a theatre show ? Where she doesn’t have to do too much walking. You sound a bit mean here to be honest - expecting her to use a scooter if she’s not confident to do so.

@Selford this 80 year old woman is frail though, I don't know many 80 year olds without some ailment or other 80 is old I'm all for challenging ageism at every turn but most people who are in their 80s are not sprightly.

This one is though.

She's 80 not 180! My mum's 86, all her friends are that age or a couple of years younger or older and they're certainly not frail old ladies! They drive, some drive abroad, most are widowed so look after their large houses and gardens themselves, live completely independently, do their own shopping and cooking, entertain, very sociable, go to clubs and classes.
My mother recently fell and cracked a bone, spent a week in hospital. Had various walkers and crutches to enable her to manage at home which she insisted on doing. While she recovered I pushed her in a wheelchair on days out to stately homes etc, it was fine. She used the store's mobility scooter when we went food shopping, she'd of course never used one before, but did it with no problem. All these posters saying it's hard to use one if you're elderly, no it isn't!
But whether OPs MIL actually wants to try to use one or to go to places is a completely different matter. If she's lost the will to try to do things it's unlikely to come back.

Nobody is saying she's."186" I don't think we need to be distracted with oh she isn't old comments this woman is frail ill and elderly at 80 I don't know why posters are trying to distract from that and pretending 80 is .the new middle age.

I’d really really hate that too. Same as a wheelchair, not in a million years.

But whether OPs MIL actually wants to try to use one or to go to places is a completely different matter. If she's lost the will to try to do things it's unlikely to come back.

This is basically it. And as a PP said, as you age you become "more" and the truth is that MIL was never particularly interested in trying to do new things.

For the record as although I think most people have realised I've accepted I'm unreasonable, I just want to say that overall I think I'm a pretty good DIL, she's a pretty good MIL, and broadly we get on well together outside of this longstanding issue of me feeling she doesn't try hard enough and/or lets people down.

Certainly, when she was less frail, it was far more likely to be me taking her places than either SIL or DH and I was far more accomodating of her preferences to go slow/limit activities/stop often than they were (hence she liked going out with me). I was also far more likely to accommodate her preferences in terms of interests, food, drink etc than her actual children, particularly SIL. It was also me who proactively suggested time for her to spend with her children/grandchildren, including basically having to practically wrestle twat-face BIL into agreeing to just let his wife and her brother and mother have ONE night together while he looked after their DC and I looked after ours.

So I promise, I'm not some big meanie who is horrible to MIL!

I'm guessing your mother doesn't have a lifetime of undiagnosed adhd to contend with.

I don't think posters think you are being mean all I think posters are saying Is you need to manage expectations of her that's all, she isn't going to change she will continue not to have medical treatment that she doesn't want and will probably keep saying things to your dd.

@Dakotabluebell yes, I think even though I'm the one who suspects MIL has ADHD, and who knows the most about it (I live with one diagnosed DS and the liklihood that DH is undiagnosed), I still tend to forget this sometimes.

At least I do remember and try to accommodate. Everyone else is in denial and even with one nephew, there's this slightly odd dynamic where SIL is in process of gettnig him assessed and trying to almost "blame" her ex for it because she refuses to consider it's in their family. I had a lot of irritating and tough conversations during the process of getting DS' diagnosis.

My Dad is 81, and does nothing for himself, whatsoever. Me and sibling arrange his entire world, be that organising doctors appts, food shopping, all paperwork etc. He has carers in 4 times a day. So, honestly, it sounds like your MIL isn't doing too badly at all.

I don't know how old you are, but let's say you're 45, then you are 35 years younger than MIL. Try to imagine how long ago it was since you were 10. Think about all the things that have happened in your life since then, all the advances in technology etc. Now imagine that chunk of time going from now and into the future. That's how much time will have passed by the time you're 80. How well do you think you'll be doing physically and mentally, by then. It's a VERY LONG time.

Now imagine that your DIL and grandkids keep expecting you to do things that are completely out of your comfort zone, like driving a buggy for the first time in a mall. YABVVU (but you know that).

I hope I'm wrong here, but is your DD trying to get things bought for her, by MIL? By the time someone is in their 80's, I think it's pretty standard for them to get taken out by younger family members, not the other way round. Why not just take her out for Sunday lunch now and then. You are past going shopping for the day.

*And as a PP said, as you age you become "more" and the truth is that MIL was never particularly interested in trying to do new things.

...we get on well together outside of this longstanding issue of me feeling she doesn't try hard enough and/or lets people down.*

ADHD can look to neurotypicals like someone who doesn't want to try new things, doesn't try hard enough and let's people down.

It's a disability, the same as if someone needed more time/accomodation/help/consideration because of a physical issue. If you asked someone with a broken leg to climb a mountain, would you be surprised that they couldn't do it or would you feel let down or that she just didn't try hard enough? The difference is the broken leg will get better - she's got adhd for life.

She's not doing it to spite you, or because she doesn't love you all or because she just can't be bothered with dd. She's built a great relationship with dd within the parameters of what she can handle so clearly it's not that she doesn't love her or doesn't want to support her.

Id say again i wonder if your dd might be affected too. Your description of her reaction when mil couldn't do the dance show is ringing a bell and that she was in hysterics over it. Id probably have been the same at her age - i have a large dose of rejection sensitivity disorder. Girls present differently to boys.

I think your mil is too old to change her ways now, so your focus should be on helping dd to build resilience to disappointment and to learn ways to cope with the fact sometimes people can't be who you want or need them to be, with the best will in the world. You and dd need to accept mil for who she is, not who you wish she could have been.

Of course I should think everyone hates the idea of it. But when faced with the choice of that or never leaving your house again and never seeing anywhere different then surely you'd give it a try.

Median age for dying in women in the UK is 82. There are always outliers like your mother. It is not relevant to the OP though.

Op it is frustrating, but it is common not to co-operate with rehab, even many younger people do not do their rehab exercises.

If dd does have adhd, at this point, aside possibly from somewhat over reactions to certain things, she's managing fine. She's very efficient, organised, doing well at school etc. The only developmental thing with her I keep an eye on is that while she has plenty of friends, she struggles with social dynamics in bigger groups. But we all know this age group struggles with this more post covid. So we watch, but aren't concerned at this point.

Your first line says it all.

Who wants to use a mobility scooter for the first time in a place they are unfamiliar with?

You are soooooo unreasonable.

How about hiring a wheelchair, DD can be in control of it and MIL can relax or if DD is too young someone else would need to be the muscle. My husband is late 70s and he is struggling with coming to terms with using a mobility scooter. He had a motorbike from 16, he's had a driving licence since he was 17, he was a police trained driver. I do understand why she is nervous.

My stepfather wouldn't do his rehab he was fine with taking medication etc but the physio etc was too far for him. Them not doing everything to .help.themselves also affects others around them doesn't it? But what can you do but let them .get on with their lives the best they can.