Please help me regain sympathy for elderly MIL

[Triffid1]

I 100% KNOW I am being unreasonable, which is why I'm not posting in AIBU.

MIL is 80. She is a bit frail after a fall a few years ago (and yes, I appreciate this is mean, but part of the problem is she refused to do the physiotherapy that the doctors wanted her to do at the time which, naturally, has had a longer-term impact on her mobility).

She has also always been someone who has this strange and unusual combination of, on the one hand being independent and competent and on the other, ridiculously helpless and fearful. Depending on the situation. In particular, new things have always stressed her out. I suspect she has pretty severe inattentive ADHD (like at least one of her grandchildren, and probably at least one of her children) that, being a woman of a certain age, was never even vaguely diagnosed and so she just got on with it and taught herself tools to manage. One of these is being very resistant to new situations/change and needing excessive preparation (eg, when she travels, she starts packing a MONTH before).

I say all this because I think this impacts massively our current situation. She promised DD MONTHS ago that she'd take her shopping. It's something they've always enjoyed doing together (stopping often for cake!). But MIL has been ill, had a flare up of her sore leg etc so it hasn't happened. We recently discovered that a shopping mall a bit further away from us than our usual options has free mobility scooters if pre booked. DD was thrilled and called MIL immediately to tell her that we could go to tihs place instead as that way she could have a mobility scooter....

.... MIL said no. She doesnt think she could use a mobility scooter.

I am so annoyed and upset on DD's behalf. I KNOW I'm being unfair. She's old, and frail, and this is completely outside of her comfort zone. But it's so frustrating. And full transparency - this is not the first time she has let our DC down for this sort of reason (in fact, it's not even the second, third or fourth time....)

My dad tells me I must be patient. I agree. But HOW?!

As someone who has a wheelchair using child please do not let your Dd or any child ‘be in control of it’.

When I was in a wheelchair after an op my 9 year old would push me round a shopping mall. I wouldn't have let him do it on a pavement but it was fine in a shopping mall.

You are staggeringly selfish op. This is not about your bloody dd and shopping, it should be about making your MILs last few years as comfortable and happy as possible. Be respectful and stop pestering her with silly ideas and simply take the cake to her and let her enjoy her comfortable surroundings of home. Poor woman.

I do think OP you seem to have pushed her into the role of grandparent, and you are unhappy she is not fulfilling that well enough. She is not just a grandmum, but a parent and a person in her own right.
Try and see her more as your mother in law, rather than just a grandparent.

YABVU.

How old is your DD? I'm finding that really unclear- I was imagining a young child but our later posts make her sound like a teen.

@ISeriouslyDoubtIt

She's 80 not 180!

What does that even mean?! Nobody lives until 180.

Good for your mum et al, they’re very lucky / had brains that would let them do the things they should do for good health. The woman being talked about IS feeling frail.

Oh yeah I'm not saying you need to be worried. Just that if there's a possibility she is adhd too, it might inform the strategies you use to help her deal with her emotions around her grandma "letting her down."

Do you have any understanding of her ND? Most elderly after a fall are hesitant and scared anyway now your asking her to cope with the fear of more injuries and face the fears she's always had for new situations .....hire a wheelchair and take them shopping to her familiar place.....how old is DD 10? Or old enough to understand

Her daughter is 10.

You should have sounded mil out about scooter not your DD why even suggest to DD it's an option before you know how mil feels? You know she can't handle new places and situations but are trying to emotionally push her into it.

The lady is 80, so her days of shopping expeditions may be over. If your daughter wants to see her, it is reasonable for your daughter to go to where she is and not to expect too much.

I love this sort of comment. Completely misses all the comments I've made that I know I'm unreasonable, that I actually do accommodate her loads, that her and DD get on really well etc. I have certainly not "pestered" her with anything. We asked once. She said no. I was a bit annoyed but I did nothing except post on here - not a word has been said to her (or anyone else for that matter).

@jannier As this all happened because MIL had been telling DD that she used a mobility scooter somewhere else, neither DD or I had any idea idea that it would trigger an immediate "No" response. And I stand by my comment that I'm not going to stop suggesting things - every now and again, she DOES take them up and 9/10 when everyone is trying to work out how to manage something for MIL it is ME who comes up with the answer that works best. If I didn't organise the celebratory dinners or send links and information regarding appropriate support services at the airport or whatever, believe me, none of it would happen.

Perhaps that's part of my (irrational) resentment? I do make a lot of effort, often more than her actual children, so on some childish and silly level, I'm waiting for her to reciprocate. And she's not capable.

I won't, obviously, suggest a mobility scooter again because now I know.

Why do you reciprocate when her own adult children, your H amongst them, do not really bother?. Where and when did that start with you?. Who gave you that role or was it one you imposed upon your own self?. Maybe you are still seeking her approval and that is unhealthy.

And why would you want your DD to be around a relative who keeps breaking promises to take her out somewhere?. If a relative is this bloody contrary and otherwise difficult for you to deal with, its the same deal for your child too.

If course suggest
...but not to your DD instead explain grandmas issues including her ND .....and understand it yourself....I'm now carer for my 30 year old nephew he is ND some days he can go out other days he doesn't leave his room. Some days he can make it for a haircut but 9 out of 10 he can't, anywhere new takes weeks of planning and build up and even then on the day it could be a no. Smells can be too much, noises that others can't hear cam overwhelm people looking or god forbid talking to him a real no....but meet him on the right day and you wouldn't know that inside he's struggling. Get cross with her family not her they need to help more....and explain it to your DD including that her gran is getting older and frailer

@jannier yes yes, lesson learned. But honestly, I had no idea this would be an issue. We honestly thought it would be brilliant because she'd been telling us how this worked so well with her while visiting other family!!

And I can't explain her ND because the entire family is in denial that ND in their family even exists.

@AttilaTheMeerkat all excellent questions and I have absolutely taken a few steps back for these reasons although it does feel like a never ending battle. I'll step up when I'm directly involved but I have stepped back completely from things that don't directly involve me. This doesn't always go well, but that's a whole different thread and not relevant in this case! . It does raise the good question that yes, I do think the family is, as a whole, dysfunctional. Not bad people at all, but dysfunctional which can trigger me as I lost my mum quite a long time ago. But that's my problem and as you say, best I try to just distance myself, which I do.

But thank you for understanding why I get frustrated that MIL lets my DC down. I will help them to lower their expectations in line with all the comments on this thread (well, DS has already learned to do this but he's a teenager so has had more time) but it's nice when people understand. And of course, as I said before, this goes back years.

Good grief! The problem is you think you DD getting a shopping trip is more important than your 80 year old MIL because you clearly don't like her very much. What is the big problem with taking your daughter round there to visit, if she isn't up to scooter shopping sprees.

At 80 every day she wakes up is a miracle, I'd give the poor cow some grace and make more of an effort, you might not have to put up with her for that much longer.

No, I think MIL making at least some effort to do the things she promised DD she'd do, would be nice. This is not the first time. And this particular issue has been going on since long before she became as frail as she is now (although DC were younger then and less aware of it). But, as I've said repeatedly, I get that my expectations have to be lowered as she's got older and more frail.

And you might be trying to be supportive of my MIL, but I'd prefer you didn't refer to her as a cow, even for effect. I would never use language like that about someone, especially not a family member.

This. It's all about your wants and demands, OP, with little or no regard for what MIL wants as a person in her own right. You're coming across as really grabby too – how much money are you expecting her to spend on your DD on this shopping trip???

@Triffid1 Ok keep your hair on. A mere turn of phrase. You would never use language about a family member but it's quite alright to slag them off online. How curious.

How old is your DD? I know it's too late, but you really should have warned her that her grandmother might not be up to it.

Could your dd go and sit with her grandma and they do some online shopping together?

This is very funny because you know nothing. Money is not an issue in this case for any of us. MIL is generous with DD at times - but I actually prefer her to be less generous and often put limits in place and whether she goes shopping or not, that generosity is always there. Also, generosity is a family trait on both sides and goes both ways.

@CurlewKate if I had had any idea that she wouldn't be, I absolutely would have prepared DD better. Just like I have prepared her not to expect MIL to attend all kinds of activities and events when I knew they were unlikely to happen.

Mum was wildly resistant to a mobility scooter. They were for old people, giving up, the last straw etc etc. After some tough talk along the lines of "so you would rather never do x again than give the scooter a try" she had a go and she was smitten.

But it was a hard hard thing getting her into the scooter - emotionally and practically. I think it's worth making the effort to coach her into one for her sake, but you will need to be very careful how it's done. My mum responded well to straight adult-to-adult talking; your MIL may need a different approach.

Where is your DH in all this?