Please help me regain sympathy for elderly MIL

[Triffid1]

I 100% KNOW I am being unreasonable, which is why I'm not posting in AIBU.

MIL is 80. She is a bit frail after a fall a few years ago (and yes, I appreciate this is mean, but part of the problem is she refused to do the physiotherapy that the doctors wanted her to do at the time which, naturally, has had a longer-term impact on her mobility).

She has also always been someone who has this strange and unusual combination of, on the one hand being independent and competent and on the other, ridiculously helpless and fearful. Depending on the situation. In particular, new things have always stressed her out. I suspect she has pretty severe inattentive ADHD (like at least one of her grandchildren, and probably at least one of her children) that, being a woman of a certain age, was never even vaguely diagnosed and so she just got on with it and taught herself tools to manage. One of these is being very resistant to new situations/change and needing excessive preparation (eg, when she travels, she starts packing a MONTH before).

I say all this because I think this impacts massively our current situation. She promised DD MONTHS ago that she'd take her shopping. It's something they've always enjoyed doing together (stopping often for cake!). But MIL has been ill, had a flare up of her sore leg etc so it hasn't happened. We recently discovered that a shopping mall a bit further away from us than our usual options has free mobility scooters if pre booked. DD was thrilled and called MIL immediately to tell her that we could go to tihs place instead as that way she could have a mobility scooter....

.... MIL said no. She doesnt think she could use a mobility scooter.

I am so annoyed and upset on DD's behalf. I KNOW I'm being unfair. She's old, and frail, and this is completely outside of her comfort zone. But it's so frustrating. And full transparency - this is not the first time she has let our DC down for this sort of reason (in fact, it's not even the second, third or fourth time....)

My dad tells me I must be patient. I agree. But HOW?!

I totally get it @Triffid1 . I had this with my mother, who started “I can’t manage that” many years before she became physically impaired to any extent. She refused to exercise, even to walk to the postbox at the end of the road. It was hard to be patient with her when she had refused to co-operate with the treatments for her health conditions, until the inevitable happened and the conditions worsened to the point where she could barely walk a few steps. So then she complained incessantly about her health. Your MIL has done similar, refusing physio after her fall.

Meanwhile I have or had other elderly relatives who have made an effort to keep mobile despite serious health problems. The contrast is stark, and very sad to see.
It must be even worse seeing that your MIL still drives a car, so she clearly is reasonably capable in some ways.

I agree with PPs that a mobility scooter isn’t the answer. But to be honest there probably isn’t anything you can do except prepare DD to be let down repeatedly.

YABU to expect her to use a Mobility scooter at her age. My mother is that age and would take out half the shoppers if I got her one.
Her mobility is slowly failing, it just is the way it is. She is wiling to go shopping her body is less willing.

I think you sound lovely actually op and some people are giving you a hard time. You're trying your best to manage everyone and keep them all happy but nobody is helping you in any meaningful way, which is probably why trying to involve MIL in things is feeling a bit of a burden - you're taking more care of her than her actual children are. If they were pulling their weight maybe you'd have a bit more bandwidth to accomodate her needs.

It's ok to find it difficult and to step back.

you're taking more care of her than her actual children are. If they were pulling their weight maybe you'd have a bit more bandwidth to accomodate her needs.

Where did that come from? Did I miss OP saying this, @Dakotabluebell?

It is nothing to do with being ageist. I am mid 50s and just had a huge medical emergency that has left me exhausted, scared and frail. I am lucky and have age on my side so i will be able to fight my way back but i know if i was in my 70s it would be nigh on impossible. I am so glad your mum is still sprightly but others aren't and shouldn't be made to feel bad because they still don't do yoga at nearly 90. I feel maybe you need to have a bit more empathy instead of throwing out pithy quotes. I would love to climb the mountain i can see from my house, i have scaled it many times but right now i can barely walk and it has fuck all to do with not bloody trying.

She said she's there only one who thinks of ways around mil's difficulties and comes up with solutions.

Yes, it's definitely more of the mental load or the pre-planning and thinking that I do (or did) vs any of the rest of them. I've stepped back a lot over the last few years for lots of reasons, so some of these things just don't happen anymore. But to be fair, with the minimal exception of SIL having an annoying habit of expecting me to sort DH out (which I don't do, and he doesn't expect me to do etc), no one is complaining.

On a sort of lighter note, I really really took a step back a few years ago when somehow I got lumped with organising and hosting a birthday lunch for BIL with zero input from any of the wider family and also, without anyone actually asking me to do it or making it official. It sort of snuck up or I'd have said a more definitive no - but somehow, it slipped by me. (DH did, of course, do his bit as with any hosting we do). A comment was made, in a not so passive aggressive way about how "disappointing" it was that there was no birthday cake for BIL (there was plenty of dessert, obviously).

That was probably the point at which I realised I'd been TOO accomodating and that I had to stop trying to apply the standards and expectations of my family to theirs.

My DM is the same and I sympathise, OP.

As you have acknowledged a few times 😀 YAB a bit U on this particular front but I understand the years and years of it that have driven you to post

I don't think I could use a mobility scooter and I would definitely say no thank you in those circumstances I'm a lot younger than 80.
I think you are being unreasonable.
It would be much better if instead you could hire a wheelchair for her.

There’s no way my mum would use a mobility scooter. You’re being very selfish. This is the woman who brought you into this world and at 80, each day she’s with you is a blessing. My mother can hardly walk now so we use a wheelchair if we must visit large malls/museums etc. But I’d never even suggest a mobility scooter. Grow up.

Exactly. Bloody pathetic really.

And boo boo your precious child doesn't get her shopping trip, teach her some empathy. That she needs to think about her elderly GM before herself. No wonder so many selfish adults about, because they were pandered to as children. My 8yo would easily understand if we had to cancel something, so a big 10yo can certainly too!

Op I dare you to suggest this to a few friends IRL but you won't because you would be ashamed to, as you should. FFS a 10yo doesn't get a shopping trip. Unbelievable.

I think you've been given an unfairly hard time on here and have been too hard on yourself as well. You are not 100% unreasonable. Your husband should be more empathetic about your daughter's disappointment when his mother lets her down. In your shoes I'd have probably got pretty annoyed with him. MiL should not be promising and then backing out without good (one-off) reason.

I also agree with everything @AttilaTheMeerkat said about you being the one who takes on organising things for MiL instead of her actual children. Bet they have no idea and/or are not at all grateful.

The fact she was like this long before being older & frail is significant. Of course you have the right to be be a bit irritated and resentful, and annoyed at her upsetting your daughter. Including about her not doing her physio so making her mobility worse than it needs to be. There's an elderly lady in my block who broke her pelvis in a fall and once she was home from hospital she was out every day on her walking frame doing her exercises, even though she was still in quite a bit of pain. She's clear she doesn't want to lose her mobility or independence for as long as possible.

And people are being total drama queens about the mobility scooters. The small ones supplied in shopping centres etc are not hard to use and it's almost certainly pride or stubbornness not fear that's made her refuse to try one.

So I'm on your team here OP!

“ A comment was made, in a not so passive aggressive way about how "disappointing" it was that there was no birthday cake for BIL (there was plenty of dessert, obviously).”

Good Lord!! The CFs…

@ChinaBlueBell if you are going to slag off the OP, at least skim
her posts enough to understand it’s her MIL, not “the woman who brought her into the world “

It’s even in the thread title, FFS.

@Roundroundthegarden one of the great things about MN is it gives us the opportunity to float our irritations to strangers and get some perspective - which the OP has done and has acknowledged.

She hasn’t said a thing to the MIL in question, but obviously that hasn’t stopped you saying a few nasty things to her and about her child. Lovely.

Actually, I am avoiding mentioning in real life as I would prefer people not to have a very negative view of both mil and SIL. Their behaviour is often odd and frustrating but, as someone who knows them and has some context (Eg my opinion that mil has adhd and the fact that their family was seriously disfunctional as a reason for some of SIL’s behaviours), I try not to talk about them too much in real life because I don’t want people to think only about this. My family are, luckily, mostly really understanding (my dad and sister have what I guess you could call “routines” to mitigate some of their oddness but my brother, who doesn’t know them that well, was completely gobsmacked when he visited recently and interacted with them a bit).

As always with mn, these threads are so helpful. They provide ideas and perspective I hadn’t thought of before. But also, make me realise things I hadn’t been consciously thinking about.

Why are you so upset?

Those scooters can feel like dodgem cars when you first sit onto them. I don't blame the woman for hesitating, and I don't think her nervousness has anything to do with suspected ADHD.

I think the mobility scooter idea was pushy and you shouldn't have given your blessing to her making the suggestion.

At 10, your DD is old enough to start taking hints and knowing there are lines she shouldn't cross with her gran. She should realise gran is frail and increasingly fearful.

I don't know how much experience you have of older people, but you need to start putting yourself in the shoes of your MIL and accepting she's not up to new places, navigating unfamiliar buildings, crowds - maybe she fears being jostled. Maybe noisy, bright places make her anxious. Maybe she doesn't like the idea of not knowing exactly where the loos are.

The traits you're describing are not unusual at all in older people.

And fwiw, I think ten is old enough to shrug and get over her disappointment about a no-show on the part of granny at a dance recital, and not have a meltdown.

She only just turned 10. She was 8 at time of dance thing. It was her first big, post Covid, show (she got Covid the day before the one before so had had to be pulled out - pretty upsetting obviously after lots of practice).

actually, re old people, my mum died relatively young, but was very independent and capable. My dad and his sister are both much older than Mil but are both very independent and capable. Aunt is a bit frail (shes much older at 92) but is up to doing things as long as we work around her restrictions - eg we drive her to new places, drop close to door, don’t do thinks involving a lot of walking etc. Fil is also very independent and competent. So perhaps I am just surrounded by old people who are more capable?

Older people are enormously variable health wise.

My DM is crippled with arthritis and needs help to have a shower. Meanwhile my MIL the same age is driving about in her aged car meeting up with friends. And both have outlived their husbands by nearly a decade now.

Also a fit 80 something is always only a knife edge away from being a frail 80 something, there isn't a lot of bouncing back after illness.

Surviving into your 90s and still being only mildly frail is unfortunately not representative of the ageing most of us can expect.

While my DF used a mobility scooter, I'm not sure that my DM would have managed one (although she did drive a car), and if she told me she didn't want to try I would have accepted that. I'm not sure that I would feel comfortable using one myself - and I'm only 64!

Your MIL is allowed to feel how she does. One day you might be 80 and frail - try to have a bit more understanding of how she feels. You need to explain to your DD that people find things more difficult, and often scary, as they age.