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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner confessed he’s attracted to younger girls

132 replies

HappyOak · 28/05/2024 11:35

Hi there…
Totally new on here and this is a very difficult one to post… Been with my partner for 8 months,was previously married for 30 years,two grown up children and awaiting divorce.
Super happy in my relationship until recently. I have lung nodules which were discovered recently on a chest scan .. had to have them monitored as there’s a chance they could be cancer .Should find out this week either way so DP took me away for the weekend to try and take my mind off what is a very fraught time .
Had a bit of a row over him checking out young girls in shorts and the next minute he told me he was attracted to young teenagers …when I asked how young he replied 13/14 …Ive never felt more repulsed in my life, I lay on the floor in utter shock and couldn’t speak for what seemed like an eternity …
He also told me he thinks of other girls when we are having sex if he can’t cum .. I’m absolutely broken and cannot function .. this was supposed to be a nice break to take me away from my pending test results and I discover my partner is a pervert .. I was in a loveless sexless marriage for so long and thought I’d hit the jackpot with this guy … he was loving,attentive,warm and generous but I didn’t know him at all .I’ve told him to seek help and that we are over but I’m broken and shocked and just not functioning right now..please help!

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1312 · 28/05/2024 11:48

I would also report to the police but they will do literally nothing because afaics he hasnt (yet) committed a crime. I mean if I made the rules, men like that would have their hard drives checked and then be locked up for life if anything found. But my understanding is that they don't check hard drives unless they have reasonable cause. I wish I'm wrong

Original poster
HappyOak · 28/05/2024 11:48

Green777 · 28/05/2024 11:45

Genuine question: What will the police do with his admittance of these thoughts and attractions?

The OP is struggling at the moment with her health and mental health and needs time to process what he’s told her.

Bless you Green, exactly it! I’m at the end of my tether,thank you for recognising this

OP posts:
megadreamer8 · 28/05/2024 11:50

MariaVT65 · 28/05/2024 11:46

Not a chance in hell I wouldn’t report him to the police.

My mum actually dated a man like this who made comments about my kid sister. She ended things and reported him to the police. All they did was come out, take the report and basically said they can't do anything unless he has acted upon his feelings. The police told my mum that women often report this kind of thing and shockingly take the men back. They assumed my mum would take him back. Madness. But having thoughts can't get someone arrested.

MariaVT65 · 28/05/2024 11:51

megadreamer8 · 28/05/2024 11:50

My mum actually dated a man like this who made comments about my kid sister. She ended things and reported him to the police. All they did was come out, take the report and basically said they can't do anything unless he has acted upon his feelings. The police told my mum that women often report this kind of thing and shockingly take the men back. They assumed my mum would take him back. Madness. But having thoughts can't get someone arrested.

Show quote history

I didn’t say they will arrest him. It just needs to be on record.

Love51 · 28/05/2024 11:51

Just want to give you some sympathy OP. You've had shocking bad news piled on shocking bad news and it must be hard to know what to do and people are responding berating you for not ending the relationship (which you have) and not calling the police (which it seems likely you can't because thinking is not a crime even if it is gross). Please take good care of yourself and make sure you reach out to people in real life about your own health even if you can't bring yourself to talk about your former partner.

Green777 · 28/05/2024 11:53

@HappyOak

It must be hard for you to read these responses, you’ve reached out for help and done the right thing by leaving him and acknowledging he needs help.

You've probably been through a lot of trauma that you need to process from previous marriage, awaiting possible diagnosis of cancer and now this hellish bombshell from this creep you thought was wonderful.

When you have the strength you can report him so he can be on police radar or get someone to do it on your behalf.

Look after yourself and like a pp says, speak to someone and get counselling.

Wish you the best 💐

DeeCeeCherry · 28/05/2024 11:54

specialityrasp
a paedophile has admitted this to you and your response is to break it off and tell him to get help and start a mumsnet thread

Agreed. I'm sorry you're unwell OP. But Id already have at least called 101 and told them everything he said about wanting school aged girls. & included that he's openly ogling them too. I wouldn't delay. He is a danger to young girls. Starting a thread before reporting a paedophile seems odd.

Get well soon.

SamW98 · 28/05/2024 11:54

Green777 · 28/05/2024 11:45

Genuine question: What will the police do with his admittance of these thoughts and attractions?

The OP is struggling at the moment with her health and mental health and needs time to process what he’s told her.

Totally agree. Accusing someone who is obviously in shock of BS and reporting her thread is really not helpful

The OP wants support in doing what’s right not judgement. She’s a victim here.

The police won’t do anything on heresy without anything else to back up her report though reporting anonymously would be the right thing to do.

megadreamer8 · 28/05/2024 11:56

MariaVT65 · 28/05/2024 11:51

I didn’t say they will arrest him. It just needs to be on record.

Show quote history

Yeah, it's worth reporting just incase he did actually do anything in the future. The police would then have some "evidence" to go off alongside the report. It really shocked me that the police didn't do anything at all, not even a warning to him, not even a check up. The man left my mum alone but then started sending her letters and checks in on her every now and again. I think he is scared she will make others in the area aware of him He told her he is having therapy and that the therapist told him that it isn't his fault and he didn't mean what he said. He sometimes sends me, her adult daughter, messages Checking on her. I ignore him.

Coshei · 28/05/2024 11:57

I just wanted to wish you good luck, OP. I find it a bit surprising that he told you this because he could have guessed that you’d break up with him as a result. Ignore the hysterical posts telling you to go to the police because there is nothing to report. Focus on yourself instead and be proud that you walked away.

Phantasmagorically · 28/05/2024 11:57

As if the police are going to do anything because a man has said he sexually attracted to 14 year old girls.

I wonder if some posters even live in the real world.

Try and forget him, OP, and best of luck with your health issues.

MoodyMargaret11 · 28/05/2024 11:58

So many nasty people on this thread, and extremely ignorant too!
The OP is still trying to process things, let her be.
Police will do absolutely nothing with this information anyway, even if he already had some kind of record. They will log her call, then an officer will get in touch to tell her that they can't take any action as a crime has not been committed. They will not bother taking his name or "recording" anything on their systems.

Seaoftroubles · 28/05/2024 11:59

OP, l am so sorry you have had such a huge shock but better that he has revealed his true nature to you so that you have been able to end things immediately.

Original poster
HappyOak · 28/05/2024 12:00

Love51 · 28/05/2024 11:51

Just want to give you some sympathy OP. You've had shocking bad news piled on shocking bad news and it must be hard to know what to do and people are responding berating you for not ending the relationship (which you have) and not calling the police (which it seems likely you can't because thinking is not a crime even if it is gross). Please take good care of yourself and make sure you reach out to people in real life about your own health even if you can't bring yourself to talk about your former partner.

Bless you Love, thank you for your kind words … yes this has become a bit of a pile on and on reflection coming on here was the wrong to do..my mental and physical health are hanging in the balance and this has just added to the pile… I know for sure he doesn’t have a computer, he wouldn’t even know how to switch one on! I ended the relationship in an instant and have spoken to Stop it Now and he has assured
me he will get help …

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 28/05/2024 12:01

People can say it’s ignorant to think the police will even record it etc. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least report it, so I know I have done what I can, and so I at least have a record of it to use later if needed.

KateDelRick · 28/05/2024 12:03

How come he doesn't have a computer and doesn't know how to switch one on?
Is he using a smartphone? Still odd.

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/05/2024 12:03

MariaVT65 · 28/05/2024 12:01

People can say it’s ignorant to think the police will even record it etc. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least report it, so I know I have done what I can, and so I at least have a record of it to use later if needed.

It's fine fir you to feel like that, but by saying that here you're implying op "shouldn't be able to live with" herself if she doesn't report him. Op is not to blame for the thoughts and comments of this vile paedophile man, regardless of what he goes on to do.

I've had to report similar to the non emergency police line. Not only did they do absolutely nothing but the call handlers tone was clearly "why tf are you bothering to report this"

bibop · 28/05/2024 12:05

OP, I think you should count yourself lucky that you found this out now and not years down the line. I'm so sorry. It is absolutely revolting.

sprigatito · 28/05/2024 12:05

What exactly is wrong with her posting here for support? That's literally what we are here for 

I agree that OP should report him to the police. I don't however understand castigating her for not having done so already, or for using MN as a resource for advice. She's just had a massive shock and ended her relationship, on top of facing a potentially terrifying diagnosis. FFS @specialityrasp if you can't muster a bit of compassion it would be better if you didn't post at all.

Huge hugs OP. This is the mother of all shit weeks, but you will get through it Flowers

SamW98 · 28/05/2024 12:06

sprigatito · 28/05/2024 12:05

What exactly is wrong with her posting here for support? That's literally what we are here for 

I agree that OP should report him to the police. I don't however understand castigating her for not having done so already, or for using MN as a resource for advice. She's just had a massive shock and ended her relationship, on top of facing a potentially terrifying diagnosis. FFS @specialityrasp if you can't muster a bit of compassion it would be better if you didn't post at all.

Huge hugs OP. This is the mother of all shit weeks, but you will get through it Flowers

Totally agree 👏

MN is here for support and advice and that’s what the OP needs right now.

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/05/2024 12:06

And btw the guy I was reporting was already arrested and serving a non custodial suspended sentence. I reported comments he'd made about my daughter. The call handler basically said "so did he actually do anything to your daughter?!" In a "who gives a fuck" tone. So. That was that

bibop · 28/05/2024 12:06

Also, what the hell is with some posters on this thread

MariaVT65 · 28/05/2024 12:07

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/05/2024 12:03

It's fine fir you to feel like that, but by saying that here you're implying op "shouldn't be able to live with" herself if she doesn't report him. Op is not to blame for the thoughts and comments of this vile paedophile man, regardless of what he goes on to do.

I've had to report similar to the non emergency police line. Not only did they do absolutely nothing but the call handlers tone was clearly "why tf are you bothering to report this"

Show quote history

I didn’t say that about op. I said that is how i would feel personally. (My dad was friends with a man when i was a kid, who later went to prison for sex offenses with underage kids)

ticketproblems · 28/05/2024 12:10

Poor you OP. Some posters here seem to lack empathy and awareness.

I hope your health recovers and wish you all the best for your results. You have been unlucky to find another wrongun and they’re more common than people seem to realise (I see men checking out 14 year olds daily). I’d file online to 101 about it just to feel you’ve done what you should and then you need to move on. He’s a bad person, a disgusting man and you are worth so much more than this evil being. Focus on your health and keep loved ones close.

Youll find your true love eventually. Best of luck.

Mumoftwo1312 · 28/05/2024 12:10

MariaVT65 · 28/05/2024 12:07

I didn’t say that about op. I said that is how i would feel personally. (My dad was friends with a man when i was a kid, who later went to prison for sex offenses with underage kids)

Show quote history

Thanks for clarifying that you aren't blaming op. That's just how your comment initially read.

"I couldn't live with myself if I didn't report it" sounded like = "whereas you seem to be condoning it by not reporting it"