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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Consolation prize?

124 replies

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 18:54

Hi, I hope this post is ok. It’s not about my kids, but my husband who I have kids with. I just wanted some neutral opinions on what other people would do ….

So basically, long story short; my husband has a huge ‘thing’ for another woman who lives in our town. I used to mix with her for a short while when I 1st got with my husband, going out drinking etc. Now I’m older and have 3 kids I rarely if at all see her. He’s apparently liked her since he 1st met her. Over the years he’s made god knows how many comments about her. That she’s ’so attractive’, she has a ‘nice body’, he even joked that if he had sex with her he would only last seconds. The thing is he’s never made comments about any other woman that we know etc, and these comments are maybe once every 2/3 months. So it’s not constant. But I’m thinking should I be with someone where I’m basically a consolation prize to him. He made an inuendo the other day about her which is why I’ve got thinking about this again.

I know a lot of guys make comments about celebs etc being attractive, and even though I think this is childish, this wouldn’t bother me as much as it’s not like he’s going to try and meet them to hook up. I just feel making comments about people we know is out of order.

I have of course told him many times I don’t like him making comments, and he just replies with ‘every man fancies people they know, they’re just not as honest as I am’. Of course I’ve seen men and thought that they were attractive, but I certainly haven’t thought of them sexually, and even worse mentioned it to my husband. Am I just going over the top or should I not be putting up with this?

OP posts:
category12 · 27/05/2024 19:05

Well, he's certainly going to be surprised if you leave him over this after years and years of him rubbing your face in it.

But no, it's not something you should be tolerating.

solice84 · 27/05/2024 19:05

What a prick
Maybe it is time you starting making comments about how attractive other men are
I'm sure he wouldn't be ok with it

Londonscallingme · 27/05/2024 19:07

Obviously this is unacceptable. I genuinely can’t believe you have to ask.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2024 19:10

How come you need to ask? He is saying that if he has sex with a woman that you both know then he would come really quickly because he'd be so excited. Why are you putting up with this?

Namechange1345677 · 27/05/2024 19:19

That's really not normal...he doesn't respect you. If my husband even hinted at that id be ballistic!

AlexandraJJ · 27/05/2024 19:20

Any man you are with should make you feel safe and beautiful. This is not only unacceptable it’s cruel.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 19:21

Obviously I’ve been too soft over the years by not putting my foot down more. Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?

OP posts:
Supergirl77 · 27/05/2024 19:22

Get rid. He is taking the piss.

crenellations · 27/05/2024 19:27

It's that Beverley Macker!

Sorry OP, don't put up with that.

Londonscallingme · 27/05/2024 19:27

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 19:21

Obviously I’ve been too soft over the years by not putting my foot down more. Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?

No. Never.

category12 · 27/05/2024 19:34

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 19:21

Obviously I’ve been too soft over the years by not putting my foot down more. Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?

Noooo.

It's so disrespectful to you, and to her.

Everythingiscalmfornow · 27/05/2024 19:43

Absolutely disgusting.
He is saying this to deliberately hurt you. He is trying to keep you in your place.
You must have taken wedding vows together. So how can expressing his lust for another woman to you, his wife, be a normal thing to do?
I wouldn't put up with this.

BCBird · 27/05/2024 19:47

No. I.have onli had 2 relationships. The second man.made me feel.like a goddess. I'm.not. Your husband's comments are inappropriate and disrespectful. He needs to.stop

MsDogLady · 27/05/2024 19:49

Absolutely not. My H would never do such a hideous thing.

@Delilahjane72, your H is a cruel pig who enjoys upsetting you by drooling over and about this woman. He gets a buzz from making you feel unsettled and inadequate.

I wouldn’t tolerate this revolting behavior, and would actually divorce my H for it.

RolaColaLola · 27/05/2024 19:56

He’s gross. You deserve better than this creep.

Bunnyhair · 27/05/2024 20:00

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 19:21

Obviously I’ve been too soft over the years by not putting my foot down more. Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?

No. Never. I’ve been in long term relationships with 5 men in my life, and dated more than that, and none of them has ever talked to me about being turned on by someone we knew. That is beyond grim and creepy.

Imagine if your mates’ husbands were saying those types of things about you! Eurgh!

MsDogLady · 27/05/2024 20:01

@Delilahjane72, how often does he see and interact with this woman? I would assume that he is leering at her in public and that he makes these sleazy remarks to his friends, so all are aware.

BananaLambo · 27/05/2024 20:20

I can’t imagine my DP saying anything like this to me, or disrespecting my friends by talking about them as if they were objects. It would put me right off him.

TheLastTimeEver · 27/05/2024 20:24

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 19:21

Obviously I’ve been too soft over the years by not putting my foot down more. Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?

No. It’s really really not normal.

You need to make it super clear that he ever makes this kind of comment again you will end the relationship.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 20:27

I don’t think he see’s her unless he bumps into her whilst out and about. The bizarre thing is he’s actually told me he’s mentioned her to his friends, and none of them really think much of her, they don’t understand why he’s going on about her. He seems really annoyed by this when he’s bought it up a couple of times in the past.

OP posts:
Scirocco · 27/05/2024 20:34

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 19:21

Obviously I’ve been too soft over the years by not putting my foot down more. Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?

By making these remarks, he is showing how much he values and respects you, your relationship and family, her, and women in general (not very much).

It's not necessarily unusual for someone to find another person attractive. What's unusual and disrespectful is to continually dwell on those thoughts and to bring them up repeatedly in graphic and upsetting ways. It's also unusual to obsess about someone like this. Does he write her name on his pencil case? It's really that level of pathetic-ness.

I wouldn't tolerate this, and you shouldn't either. You deserve better.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 21:07

He’s accidentally called me her name twice before aswel, once was when we were in bed! Not having sex, just watching TV. He said her name was in his head because he had seen her husband earlier and her name had been mentioned!

OP posts:
TheLastTimeEver · 27/05/2024 22:30

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 21:07

He’s accidentally called me her name twice before aswel, once was when we were in bed! Not having sex, just watching TV. He said her name was in his head because he had seen her husband earlier and her name had been mentioned!

You keep adding details but it’s kind of irrelevant. You’ve been told how awful it is. Are you listening?

MsDogLady · 27/05/2024 22:55

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 21:07

He’s accidentally called me her name twice before aswel, once was when we were in bed! Not having sex, just watching TV. He said her name was in his head because he had seen her husband earlier and her name had been mentioned!

Her name is in his head because he fantasizes about her.

And his humiliating mentionitis extends to gushing about her to his friends and telling you in annoyance that they aren’t as impressed with her.

@Delilahjane72, his disrespect and degradation of you are off the charts. I would bet big money that he has trampled over your feelings and boundaries in many other ways.

What are you going to do about this?

Seaoftroubles · 28/05/2024 00:00

He is utterly disrespectful, couldn't care less about your feelings and enjoys humiliating you by rubbing your face in his blatant perving over her. He doesn't even try to hide it!
Its really very far from normal OP. How and why do you put up with it?

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