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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Consolation prize?

124 replies

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 18:54

Hi, I hope this post is ok. It’s not about my kids, but my husband who I have kids with. I just wanted some neutral opinions on what other people would do ….

So basically, long story short; my husband has a huge ‘thing’ for another woman who lives in our town. I used to mix with her for a short while when I 1st got with my husband, going out drinking etc. Now I’m older and have 3 kids I rarely if at all see her. He’s apparently liked her since he 1st met her. Over the years he’s made god knows how many comments about her. That she’s ’so attractive’, she has a ‘nice body’, he even joked that if he had sex with her he would only last seconds. The thing is he’s never made comments about any other woman that we know etc, and these comments are maybe once every 2/3 months. So it’s not constant. But I’m thinking should I be with someone where I’m basically a consolation prize to him. He made an inuendo the other day about her which is why I’ve got thinking about this again.

I know a lot of guys make comments about celebs etc being attractive, and even though I think this is childish, this wouldn’t bother me as much as it’s not like he’s going to try and meet them to hook up. I just feel making comments about people we know is out of order.

I have of course told him many times I don’t like him making comments, and he just replies with ‘every man fancies people they know, they’re just not as honest as I am’. Of course I’ve seen men and thought that they were attractive, but I certainly haven’t thought of them sexually, and even worse mentioned it to my husband. Am I just going over the top or should I not be putting up with this?

OP posts:
Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 28/05/2024 22:19

This is so weird OP. Sorry I know this isn't helpful but I am mentally scanning through my catalogue of past relationships to find anything that seems familiar to this and I can't. I honestly have never encountered anything of the sort.

What's your relationship like in general? What's he like? What age are you both and how long are you together?

StrawberryWater · 28/05/2024 22:26

Your husband is a creep.

SheerLucks · 28/05/2024 22:35

Gosh - just yuk!!

Many married men go through periods of fancying other women - it's just natural, as do women.

But that he's openly told you this sounds like a way of belittling you and making you feel worthless.

If you don't want to break up with him I'd just join a local gym and start going on about your "very fit personal trainer" etc (even if that bit's made up). That should get him worried.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 29/05/2024 12:15

It’s like she’s his fantasy shag but he’s happy with me because he probably thinks he has no chance with her. She is married but has cheated in the past.

OP posts:
Chatonette · 29/05/2024 12:22

Delilahjane72 · 29/05/2024 12:15

It’s like she’s his fantasy shag but he’s happy with me because he probably thinks he has no chance with her. She is married but has cheated in the past.

Does your husband know about the infidelities?

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 29/05/2024 12:26

Chatonette · 29/05/2024 12:22

Does your husband know about the infidelities?

Show quote history

Yeah he does. He made a big deal out of it a few years ago saying he was gonna have a chat with her because he got on with her husband. I talked him out of it in the end.

OP posts:
Chatonette · 29/05/2024 12:30

Delilahjane72 · 29/05/2024 12:26

Yeah he does. He made a big deal out of it a few years ago saying he was gonna have a chat with her because he got on with her husband. I talked him out of it in the end.

Show quote history

What was the topic of his proposed “chat”?

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 29/05/2024 12:41

Chatonette · 29/05/2024 12:30

What was the topic of his proposed “chat”?

Show quote history

Just to tell her to ‘stop’ because he’s a good guy etc etc.

OP posts:
Lavenderblossoms · 29/05/2024 12:45

Ugh I'm sorry but why is this man still your husband when he acts like this?

How can you even look him in the eye and respect him? I feel sorry for you op. This is not the best you can do.

He's not even ashamed about it.

Willtheraineverstop · 29/05/2024 12:52

You deserve someone who treats you like you are their number one, not this creepy bastard.

How would he feel about you talking about another man like that? Bet he'd bloody hate it!

Tel12 · 29/05/2024 12:53

The thing is, if she whistled I am guessing that you wouldn't see him for dust. Maybe he's tried it on, hence her remark that you could do better? Personally I would have hit the roof the first time it happened.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 29/05/2024 12:57

Delilahjane72 · 28/05/2024 09:04

He’s quite clever because he’s tried to make friends with her husband. Probably in the hope that we can all hang out together ( they weren’t together when he 1st met her ). I’m going to say nothing now as it hasn’t been mentioned for a short while but I think I’m going to have to give him an ultimatum if he mentions it again. He’s said in the past he couldn’t care less who I fancy and that he trusts me so he isn’t bothered. Basically hinting that I don’t trust him.

Trust has nothing to do with it. He is repeating a behaviour over and over that he knows hurts you and he either doesn't care about hurting you or is gaining something from saying this like a form of negging or control. There is absolutely zero reason he needs to EVER say her name to you outside of if he bumps info her or something and even then he doesn't need to bring it up. This is him telling you you dont matter or he wants to diminish and control you. There is no possible reason that could justify this hurtful and harmful behaviour. He's supposed to love not want to hurt you.

bibop · 29/05/2024 13:06

He sounds:

  • Disrespectful
  • Inadequate
  • With poor boundaries (why is it his place to tell some random woman off about cheating?)
  • Narcissistic (as someone else mentioned) - I had a narcissistic ex and he triangulated me non stop. At one point it was a bloody pentagon there were so many other women he couldn't stop fancying and going on about

The only person I have ever encountered who made comments like that was the covert narcissist I just mentioned.

OP, why are your standards so low?

Why are you going to wait for him to bring it up again rather than address with him what a creepy, disrespectful fucker he is being now?

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 29/05/2024 14:02

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 29/05/2024 12:57

Trust has nothing to do with it. He is repeating a behaviour over and over that he knows hurts you and he either doesn't care about hurting you or is gaining something from saying this like a form of negging or control. There is absolutely zero reason he needs to EVER say her name to you outside of if he bumps info her or something and even then he doesn't need to bring it up. This is him telling you you dont matter or he wants to diminish and control you. There is no possible reason that could justify this hurtful and harmful behaviour. He's supposed to love not want to hurt you.

Edited
Show quote history

He asked 1 of my work friends once what she thought of the girls looks, because he wanted a non biased answer. Like he needed clarification that it’s ok to fancy her. I’ve told him if he bumps into her I don’t want to / need to know.

OP posts:
MILhere · 29/05/2024 14:10

Oh come on, this guy is fucking awful.

Unless you're planning to separate for some time or split up, you might as well get used to this treatment. Those are the only realistic options.

Telling your spouse about how you'd cum fast with another woman is not normal!!

Foxblue · 29/05/2024 14:12

Setting aside that you don't NEED a reason to break up, despite what a lot of people would tell you - you can withdraw your consent to an intimate relationship to anyone, at any time, for any reason.
I'm guessing he's also a bit of a dick the rest of the time, if he thinks this is okay??

Lifelong · 29/05/2024 14:14

He sounds like such a gobshite and SO dim, and doesn't she know it too.
How are you not cringing OP?
You do deserve better, just as she said.
When someone tells you that, it really doesn't need much explaining.
It means you are with a twat. Simples!

LaurenOlivier · 29/05/2024 14:35

He is foul OP. Why is he talking to you like he's in a locker room with his mates? You are his wife! He has absolutely no respect for you or your feelings.

Alongside that, he seems to have a juvenile infatuation with this woman that is bordering on harassment. He is trying to get involved in her relationship, trying to make friends with her partner, and talking about her, her looks and her private life to all and sundry! And calling her names? So he's misogynistic to boot.

And she has clearly tried to warn you about him in the past. It sounds like something might have happened there and she's tried to warn you about it.

Listen to your gut.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 29/05/2024 14:39

LaurenOlivier · 29/05/2024 14:35

He is foul OP. Why is he talking to you like he's in a locker room with his mates? You are his wife! He has absolutely no respect for you or your feelings.

Alongside that, he seems to have a juvenile infatuation with this woman that is bordering on harassment. He is trying to get involved in her relationship, trying to make friends with her partner, and talking about her, her looks and her private life to all and sundry! And calling her names? So he's misogynistic to boot.

And she has clearly tried to warn you about him in the past. It sounds like something might have happened there and she's tried to warn you about it.

Listen to your gut.

I’ve said in the past when we’ve argued about the subject, to just go and get with her if that’s what he wants. He said he wouldn’t want a relationship with her. So basically he’s just desperate to shag her.

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 29/05/2024 14:46

😳Absolutely no my DP doesn't say things like this. He comments a lot on how attractive I am, how much he loves and cares for me, how happy I make him , etc.. He has never commented on the attractiveness of some other woman except to agree with me if I comment on a lovely dress someone is wearing or suchlike.

LaurenOlivier · 29/05/2024 14:51

@Delilahjane72 this is going to sound weird but I'd have more respect for him if he genuinely seemed to like her as a person and things had gotten out of control in his mind.

The fact that he is clearly prepared to risk his marriage for a "quick shag" is appalling. And in her shoes I'd be feeling harassed and scared. Imagine being her and knowing that this man is going around town talking about how much he fancies you, asking his friends to rate you, trying to befriend your partner etc.? It's scary, worrying behaviour.

KhakiShaker · 29/05/2024 15:07

OP please wake up! This woman tried to warn you that he’d tried it on with her.

its not normal to talk about other women in this way when you’re in a relationship, particularly not to your partner. I had an ex that spoke like this when I was a teenager - he was coercively controlling and dim as a gnat.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 29/05/2024 17:36

KhakiShaker · 29/05/2024 15:07

OP please wake up! This woman tried to warn you that he’d tried it on with her.

its not normal to talk about other women in this way when you’re in a relationship, particularly not to your partner. I had an ex that spoke like this when I was a teenager - he was coercively controlling and dim as a gnat.

There was a time a few years ago that we were in a big group in a beer garden having some drinks, and he bought her a drink and not me. When I questioned him he said she had asked him for a drink. I thought that was a bit odd as her husband was there, but didn’t really think much more of it. Looking back now it’s quite strange behavior.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 29/05/2024 17:40

He's revolting and he's desperate to fuck her.

Scirocco · 29/05/2024 17:44

How are you able to look at him without being sick? He's disgusting.