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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Consolation prize?

124 replies

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 18:54

Hi, I hope this post is ok. It’s not about my kids, but my husband who I have kids with. I just wanted some neutral opinions on what other people would do ….

So basically, long story short; my husband has a huge ‘thing’ for another woman who lives in our town. I used to mix with her for a short while when I 1st got with my husband, going out drinking etc. Now I’m older and have 3 kids I rarely if at all see her. He’s apparently liked her since he 1st met her. Over the years he’s made god knows how many comments about her. That she’s ’so attractive’, she has a ‘nice body’, he even joked that if he had sex with her he would only last seconds. The thing is he’s never made comments about any other woman that we know etc, and these comments are maybe once every 2/3 months. So it’s not constant. But I’m thinking should I be with someone where I’m basically a consolation prize to him. He made an inuendo the other day about her which is why I’ve got thinking about this again.

I know a lot of guys make comments about celebs etc being attractive, and even though I think this is childish, this wouldn’t bother me as much as it’s not like he’s going to try and meet them to hook up. I just feel making comments about people we know is out of order.

I have of course told him many times I don’t like him making comments, and he just replies with ‘every man fancies people they know, they’re just not as honest as I am’. Of course I’ve seen men and thought that they were attractive, but I certainly haven’t thought of them sexually, and even worse mentioned it to my husband. Am I just going over the top or should I not be putting up with this?

OP posts:
Chatonette · 30/05/2024 10:15

Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 08:57

I don’t think they are. She hasn’t come out and said it but I’ve taken snipets of what she’s said to me in the past that she doesn’t find him attractive. Maybe the idea that she cheats / has cheated is some kind of sick turn on for him.

Show quote history

Is she saying this to cover her tracks?

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 10:18

Chatonette · 30/05/2024 10:15

Is she saying this to cover her tracks?

Show quote history

I have no idea. I mean she must know he fancies her, it’s normally easy enough to tell. I think maybe at most she’s flirted a bit to get some attention, but that’s completely on him. As previously said I’m not married to her, I’m married to him, so it’s his actions that matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 10:19

Bestyearever2024 · 30/05/2024 10:05

I don’t think he can help himself tbh

This has GOT to be a wind up thread? You can't believe this?

I wish it was. I can assure you it’s real.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 30/05/2024 10:22

Sorry but, given your updates, it really sounds like they are hiding an affair in plain sight.

Maybe you're in denial about this OP? You don't want to believe it's true so looking for reasons to justify, what comes across as completely batshit behaviour from him and potentially devious/cover-up behaviour from her to the rest of us, as normal.

Olivia2495 · 30/05/2024 10:26

He sounds pathetic. Really really pathetic and childish. I’d throw him in the fucking bin.

Hiddenvoice · 30/05/2024 11:00

Then why do you put up with it? You say you’ve nearly broken up a few times but you don’t. He keeps it to himself for a while and then it starts up again. He thinks you’re a walkover but sadly right now (and I don’t mean to sound nasty) but you are a walkover.

She isn’t the problem, the problem is your husband thinks this is an acceptable way to talk about another person and to you and his friends . It shows the level of respect he has for you and you’re allowing him to continue to say it to you. If my dh spoke about anyone like that over such a prolonged period of time then our marriage would be over and I’d be looking for someone who thinks the world of me , not thinks of me as second best.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 11:03

DatingDinosaur · 30/05/2024 10:22

Sorry but, given your updates, it really sounds like they are hiding an affair in plain sight.

Maybe you're in denial about this OP? You don't want to believe it's true so looking for reasons to justify, what comes across as completely batshit behaviour from him and potentially devious/cover-up behaviour from her to the rest of us, as normal.

He wishes he was having an affair with her, or atleast a 1 night stand. Would he be stupid enough to keep mentioning her name though if he was? Then again he’s stupid enough to say everything that he already has to me, so I guess I’ve answered my own question.

OP posts:
Sxdrivemismatch · 30/05/2024 11:07

OP, what the actual feck??? If this was my husband I would literally drive him to her house, leave him there and say right on you go and whilst he’s walking home with his tail between his legs I would pack up his stuff and throw him out. I’m not saying this to hurt you but it he’s with you sexually or playing with himself he’s probably thinking of her and that is sick!

honestly do you think he would cheat with her if she presented herself to him in that way? If the answer is yes then it’s cheating in everything but the actual physical act and it seems the only reason there’s been no physical act is because she doesn’t fancy him.

sincerely hope you’re ok this must be so so hard x

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 11:30

Sxdrivemismatch · 30/05/2024 11:07

OP, what the actual feck??? If this was my husband I would literally drive him to her house, leave him there and say right on you go and whilst he’s walking home with his tail between his legs I would pack up his stuff and throw him out. I’m not saying this to hurt you but it he’s with you sexually or playing with himself he’s probably thinking of her and that is sick!

honestly do you think he would cheat with her if she presented herself to him in that way? If the answer is yes then it’s cheating in everything but the actual physical act and it seems the only reason there’s been no physical act is because she doesn’t fancy him.

sincerely hope you’re ok this must be so so hard x

If we broke up and the opportunity came around, then yes, 1 million percent he would sleep with her. And he wouldn’t care about his friend ( her husband ) then. But an actual affair or 1 off? I don’t know. Maybe the idea of me leaving with the kids is putting him off, or maybe he just wouldn’t take it that far. I guess I’ll never know.

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 30/05/2024 11:36

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 19:21

Obviously I’ve been too soft over the years by not putting my foot down more. Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?

No...
I wouldn't be with a man like that. 🤢

CatherineofAmazon · 30/05/2024 11:37

I would be so angry at this. If you don’t want to leave him then I would embarrass him so much he wouldn’t mention her again.
Give her a ring on speaker when he’s sitting next to you. Tell her your husband is obsessed with the fantasy of sleeping with her. Can she tell you if she thinks that could ever be a possibility. Hopefully he will be so mortified he won’t mention her again.

Disturbia81 · 30/05/2024 11:41

I wouldn't even be with a man who hung around with other men doing locker room talk. And the fact he's a plumber.. he'll be assessing every woman he meets in their house. Raise your standards

Bestyearever2024 · 30/05/2024 11:41

Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 10:19

I wish it was. I can assure you it’s real.

Show quote history

It's real AND you believe he can't help himself

Then I suggest you get him to a doctor. Because if he can't keep his gob shut about his desires, then he needs serious help

I still call BS on all this... 🤣

Disturbia81 · 30/05/2024 11:44

@Bestyearever2024 it does sound BS doesn't it, far fetched and OP is so matter of fact about it

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 11:45

When we 1st got together he had a reputation for sleeping around. All my friends warned me off him. He said he’d change for the right woman. Maybe I’ve been the right woman part time until the woman he actually wants becomes available.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 30/05/2024 12:43

Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 11:03

He wishes he was having an affair with her, or atleast a 1 night stand. Would he be stupid enough to keep mentioning her name though if he was? Then again he’s stupid enough to say everything that he already has to me, so I guess I’ve answered my own question.

Show quote history

Yes he could well be "stupid" enough to keep mentioning her name if they are having an affair. Intentionally, to put you off the scent, make you think his dick just has a crush.

And if she's deleting his messages yet keeping older messages from other people then what's she hiding?

People having affairs lie. "Yes I'd give her one but no, nothing's actually going on". "Eww, him? Oh no, I don't like him, anyhow, he's married to you". They're hardly going to baldly say "yes, we're shagging each other".

DatingDinosaur · 30/05/2024 12:53

Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 11:45

When we 1st got together he had a reputation for sleeping around. All my friends warned me off him. He said he’d change for the right woman. Maybe I’ve been the right woman part time until the woman he actually wants becomes available.

Why? Why would you demean yourself like this? You're basically admitting you know you're second best, the consolation prize. And you seem to be okay with that. I'm not actually sure why you're posting because it's coming across like you think they're having an affair and, hey, do you know what? You're okay with that. Threats to leave him and take the kids with you are just words coming out of your mouth, you don't seem to have any intention of doing this. Instead, you're content to feel mildly irritated and look for validation that nothing's going on and it's all just wishful thinking instead of feeling insulted and outraged that he would treat you like this.

He's probably telling everyone "yeah, the wife knows and she doesn't mind" because that's how your apathy to this situation is coming across.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/05/2024 12:56

Oh ! She's welcome to him. tho I suspect she is not interested.
Get rid !
you can do so much better !!!

bibop · 30/05/2024 13:00

I'm starting to think this thread is all made up.

Surely no-one can be this much of a doormat and put up with this much humiliation?

OP do you have a humiliation fetish, perchance?

There are blokes who get off on thinking of their partner with another man. Are you the female equivalent of that?

mumda · 30/05/2024 16:02

Delilahjane72 · 28/05/2024 08:27

I’ve mentioned breaking up over it a few times in the past when he’s crossed the line with his comments. He said it was a ridiculous reason to break up. That he would find her attractive whether he single, with me, or with someone else. I basically told him to keep it to himself and he said he forgets who he’s talking to sometimes.

You can use any reason to break up. Any reason at all.

After 12 months without him in your life would you be happier?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/05/2024 20:19

but it wouldn't be ' breaking up ' would it, it would be a divorce and all that entails - house split / sold if owned, buying new smaller properties if possible, CMS, 50/50 etc.

all because he can't keep his mouth shut.

Onthemaintrunkline · 30/05/2024 20:54

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 19:21

Obviously I’ve been too soft over the years by not putting my foot down more. Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?

No.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 21:13

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/05/2024 20:19

but it wouldn't be ' breaking up ' would it, it would be a divorce and all that entails - house split / sold if owned, buying new smaller properties if possible, CMS, 50/50 etc.

all because he can't keep his mouth shut.

Exactly that. We own our house. 3 kids. A dog that loves us both. It’s not as easy as just breaking up. But I do take everyone’s point that his behavior has to stop. And that I’ve been very patient.

OP posts:
em2001ily · 02/04/2025 00:42

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 20:27

I don’t think he see’s her unless he bumps into her whilst out and about. The bizarre thing is he’s actually told me he’s mentioned her to his friends, and none of them really think much of her, they don’t understand why he’s going on about her. He seems really annoyed by this when he’s bought it up a couple of times in the past.

His friends probably don't think much of her because she probably is nothing special. Your husband just likes her for some reason....

I think you deserve a man who thinks YOU are 'all that'. Don't settle with your husband who sees you as second best.

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