Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Consolation prize?

124 replies

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 18:54

Hi, I hope this post is ok. It’s not about my kids, but my husband who I have kids with. I just wanted some neutral opinions on what other people would do ….

So basically, long story short; my husband has a huge ‘thing’ for another woman who lives in our town. I used to mix with her for a short while when I 1st got with my husband, going out drinking etc. Now I’m older and have 3 kids I rarely if at all see her. He’s apparently liked her since he 1st met her. Over the years he’s made god knows how many comments about her. That she’s ’so attractive’, she has a ‘nice body’, he even joked that if he had sex with her he would only last seconds. The thing is he’s never made comments about any other woman that we know etc, and these comments are maybe once every 2/3 months. So it’s not constant. But I’m thinking should I be with someone where I’m basically a consolation prize to him. He made an inuendo the other day about her which is why I’ve got thinking about this again.

I know a lot of guys make comments about celebs etc being attractive, and even though I think this is childish, this wouldn’t bother me as much as it’s not like he’s going to try and meet them to hook up. I just feel making comments about people we know is out of order.

I have of course told him many times I don’t like him making comments, and he just replies with ‘every man fancies people they know, they’re just not as honest as I am’. Of course I’ve seen men and thought that they were attractive, but I certainly haven’t thought of them sexually, and even worse mentioned it to my husband. Am I just going over the top or should I not be putting up with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 28/05/2024 08:27

I’ve mentioned breaking up over it a few times in the past when he’s crossed the line with his comments. He said it was a ridiculous reason to break up. That he would find her attractive whether he single, with me, or with someone else. I basically told him to keep it to himself and he said he forgets who he’s talking to sometimes.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 28/05/2024 08:49

Oh, OP 🤦🏾‍♀️.

You really need to catch a hold of yourself, because your husband has no respect for you whatsoever.

None of this is normal behaviour and it doesn’t even sound like he likes you, given how comfortable he is hurting you.

What are you planning to do going forward? We cannot control people’s behaviour, but we can control how we react to it.

Cinai · 28/05/2024 08:53

That’s unacceptable. It’s one thing to find someone attractive, yes we all do, but making comments like that to your partner is disrespectful.

kcw000telford · 28/05/2024 08:55

Delilahjane72 · 28/05/2024 08:27

I’ve mentioned breaking up over it a few times in the past when he’s crossed the line with his comments. He said it was a ridiculous reason to break up. That he would find her attractive whether he single, with me, or with someone else. I basically told him to keep it to himself and he said he forgets who he’s talking to sometimes.

If he forgets who he's talking to when he's talking to you then he clearly sees you more as a mate than the love of his life.
He needs to understand that it isn't a ridiculous reason to break up because he's disrespecting you every time he mentions how attractive he finds her.
Yes, we all find other people sexually attractive but most people know to keep silent on the matter.

Scirocco · 28/05/2024 08:56

Delilahjane72 · 28/05/2024 08:27

I’ve mentioned breaking up over it a few times in the past when he’s crossed the line with his comments. He said it was a ridiculous reason to break up. That he would find her attractive whether he single, with me, or with someone else. I basically told him to keep it to himself and he said he forgets who he’s talking to sometimes.

He can letch over whoever he wants when he's single (and likely remain single as his behaviour is deeply unattractive). If he wants to not be single, he needs to learn there are some thoughts we keep to ourselves (and some that need to be ignored rather than leaned in to).

His disrespect for women in general and you in particular is a perfectly valid reason to bin him.

CantBelieveNaive · 28/05/2024 08:59

solice84 · 27/05/2024 19:05

What a prick
Maybe it is time you starting making comments about how attractive other men are
I'm sure he wouldn't be ok with it

Yes do this as an interesting experiment and see how he likes it but it's got to be someone taller or with more hair and someone you both know to be effective xx 🤔😀

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 28/05/2024 09:04

He’s quite clever because he’s tried to make friends with her husband. Probably in the hope that we can all hang out together ( they weren’t together when he 1st met her ). I’m going to say nothing now as it hasn’t been mentioned for a short while but I think I’m going to have to give him an ultimatum if he mentions it again. He’s said in the past he couldn’t care less who I fancy and that he trusts me so he isn’t bothered. Basically hinting that I don’t trust him.

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 28/05/2024 09:16

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 19:21

Obviously I’ve been too soft over the years by not putting my foot down more. Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?

No.

Starlight1979 · 28/05/2024 09:18

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 21:07

He’s accidentally called me her name twice before aswel, once was when we were in bed! Not having sex, just watching TV. He said her name was in his head because he had seen her husband earlier and her name had been mentioned!

Sorry I'm not believing any of this is real.

dontcryformeargentina · 28/05/2024 09:21

OMG.., Why are you with him? He is emotionally abusive and eroding your self confidence...

kcw000telford · 28/05/2024 09:22

Sounds like he's infatuated. He needs to be brought back down to earth. What's so special about her, considering his friends don't think she is?

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 28/05/2024 09:23

I can assure you all of this is real. Is his behavior really that hard to believe? I guess that isn’t a good thing.

OP posts:
Lifelong · 28/05/2024 09:40

God love putting up with such a twat.
You deserve much better.
You have settled for so little.
How have you not got the ick?

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 28/05/2024 10:16

kcw000telford · 28/05/2024 09:22

Sounds like he's infatuated. He needs to be brought back down to earth. What's so special about her, considering his friends don't think she is?

Well, I was actually shocked when he eventually told me. Because for years he would always slag her off. Tell me she was a rubbish mum, that she wore too much makeup etc etc, but the whole time he actually fancied the pants off her.

OP posts:
Everythingiscalmfornow · 28/05/2024 12:26

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 21:07

He’s accidentally called me her name twice before aswel, once was when we were in bed! Not having sex, just watching TV. He said her name was in his head because he had seen her husband earlier and her name had been mentioned!

I don't think there is anything accidental about it at all. It sounds as if it is deliberate and calculated to undermine and upset you.

CheesusWept · 28/05/2024 12:31

Ugh.
He sounds revolting.

I’m just wondering though - if this is the way he talks about a woman he’s not with, how does he talk about you? Does he tell you he fancies you, etc?

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 28/05/2024 13:01

CheesusWept · 28/05/2024 12:31

Ugh.
He sounds revolting.

I’m just wondering though - if this is the way he talks about a woman he’s not with, how does he talk about you? Does he tell you he fancies you, etc?

Apparently I’m a 10/10 and she’s a 9.9/10 🙄. I know it’s so juvenile.

OP posts:
Revelatio · 28/05/2024 13:05

If my husband spoke like that it would absolutely put me off him. It’s so unattractive and sad. Yuck.

Pinkicedcoffee · 28/05/2024 20:23

crenellations · 27/05/2024 19:27

It's that Beverley Macker!

Sorry OP, don't put up with that.

Beverley Macker... classic 🤣

IsThePopeCatholic · 28/05/2024 20:28

Your dh sounds like such a twat. I’d be furious.

Takenoprisoner · 28/05/2024 20:35

What a horrific man. He has no respect for you, or women in general.

MySistersPony · 28/05/2024 20:57

This is triangulation, a technique used by narcissists, this a very extreme example.

It is designed to take you down a few pegs and have you competing to “keep” him, a sort of “negging”.

Don’t fall for it.

GreigeO · 28/05/2024 21:00

He said it was a ridiculous reason to break up

That's OK. Its OK for him to think that the reason you break up with him is ridiculous. You don't need his agreement to split up, you're allowed to leave for whatever reason you want.

Lampslights · 28/05/2024 21:03

My husband would never do this and never has, neither would any of the men I know. What a stupid little man he is. How embarrassing for him. Swinging his dick round about some woman who likely wouldn’t touch him with yours.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 28/05/2024 21:23

Lampslights · 28/05/2024 21:03

My husband would never do this and never has, neither would any of the men I know. What a stupid little man he is. How embarrassing for him. Swinging his dick round about some woman who likely wouldn’t touch him with yours.

Strangely enough, she said to me years ago that I could do better, because of how he treats me. At the time I wasn’t really sure what she meant as she didn’t really elaborate when I questioned her. So by the sound of it yes, I don’t think she’d give him the light of day.

OP posts: