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Original poster

Consolation prize?

124 replies

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 18:54

Hi, I hope this post is ok. It’s not about my kids, but my husband who I have kids with. I just wanted some neutral opinions on what other people would do ….

So basically, long story short; my husband has a huge ‘thing’ for another woman who lives in our town. I used to mix with her for a short while when I 1st got with my husband, going out drinking etc. Now I’m older and have 3 kids I rarely if at all see her. He’s apparently liked her since he 1st met her. Over the years he’s made god knows how many comments about her. That she’s ’so attractive’, she has a ‘nice body’, he even joked that if he had sex with her he would only last seconds. The thing is he’s never made comments about any other woman that we know etc, and these comments are maybe once every 2/3 months. So it’s not constant. But I’m thinking should I be with someone where I’m basically a consolation prize to him. He made an inuendo the other day about her which is why I’ve got thinking about this again.

I know a lot of guys make comments about celebs etc being attractive, and even though I think this is childish, this wouldn’t bother me as much as it’s not like he’s going to try and meet them to hook up. I just feel making comments about people we know is out of order.

I have of course told him many times I don’t like him making comments, and he just replies with ‘every man fancies people they know, they’re just not as honest as I am’. Of course I’ve seen men and thought that they were attractive, but I certainly haven’t thought of them sexually, and even worse mentioned it to my husband. Am I just going over the top or should I not be putting up with this?

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 29/05/2024 21:57

I haven't read the full thread yet but -

"Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?"

No. Never. Yes, about celebrities and people they will never meet in real life but not about someone in the same circle of friends/acquaintances that we both know. They have the decency to keep those thoughts, if they are having them, to themselves.

He is being horrible to you and rubbing your nose in it. Has he ever said what he's hoping to achieve by telling you, making these comments, etc?

DatingDinosaur · 29/05/2024 22:07

Just been reading your updates OP.

"It’s like she’s his fantasy shag but he’s happy with me because he probably thinks he has no chance with her."

I doubt anything you say to try and encourage him to see reason will work. He's obsessed. Always has been by the sounds of things. He's got raging mentionitis about her to anyone and everyone who'll listen and gets in the huff when they can't see what all the fuss is about. That's obsession. Limerance maybe. Unkind and cruel to you - absolutely.

Sadly, I think your topic title is correct Flowers

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 07:23

So many of you think it may be an obsession rather than just lusting after her. How long can this kind of thing go on for? Will she always be in his head? So far it’s been 12 years and counting 🙄

OP posts:
SpringerFall · 30/05/2024 07:25

Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 07:23

So many of you think it may be an obsession rather than just lusting after her. How long can this kind of thing go on for? Will she always be in his head? So far it’s been 12 years and counting 🙄

Why on earth are you still with him, that is your choice to be treated like this

Chatonette · 30/05/2024 07:28

Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 07:23

So many of you think it may be an obsession rather than just lusting after her. How long can this kind of thing go on for? Will she always be in his head? So far it’s been 12 years and counting 🙄

As long as she lives on your town and is in your social group. Or as long as he bumps into her in the shops.

WasIWrongToday · 30/05/2024 07:42

Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 07:23

So many of you think it may be an obsession rather than just lusting after her. How long can this kind of thing go on for? Will she always be in his head? So far it’s been 12 years and counting 🙄

Possibly forever?
12 years is a long time to have an obsession with someone. I doubt he will stop any time soon.

How much longer can you put up with this?

DatingDinosaur · 30/05/2024 07:50

For him to be carrying on like this for 12 years - that's TWELVE YEARS - and not shutting up about her and him not caring about how it makes you feel - that's obsession. She's obviously on his mind ALL the time and he has to get his fix - of either talking about her or bumping into her - at any opportunity, with no regard to your feelings.

Doesn't the fact he's called you her name twice bother you? That shows even when he's not talking about her, he's thinking about her.

It's gone way beyond a crush. It's gone way beyond amusing.

Momstermunch · 30/05/2024 07:52

This actually isn't about her, as odd as that may seem to you. It's about him. He's clearly an absolute arsehole. If his obsession with her stopped tomorrow he wouldn't suddenly turn into a wonderful person. He'd find someone else to obsess about or be an arsehole in a different way. I bet it keeps you nicely on the back foot - always feeling a bit shit and insecure. Probably constantly doing the pick me dance. It suits him perfectly to have you feel like that.

Fizzib · 30/05/2024 07:55

If he forgets who he's talking to when he's talking to you then he clearly sees you more as a mate than the love of his life.

I agree with this, even most of my guy friends don’t frequently talk about who they find hot to me with, except an occasional mention over the years . They treat me differently their guy mates probably
as they’re aware as a heterosexual female I’m not interested in drooling over their latest crush with them. Whereas OP, your own husband is treating you exactly like one of the guys.

But even if he was saying all this to his mates it’s a bit disrespectful continually banging on about another woman who’s not his wife. I can’t imagine any of my married male friends doing this.

Your issue is you’ve let it go on so long. He isn’t taking you seriously as he doesn’t face consequences when you tell him to stop and he doesn’t respect you enough to stop on his own accord knowing how it makes you feel.

I couldn’t tolerate this at all.

BananaLambo · 30/05/2024 07:56

She has tried to tell you he tried it on with her. Listen to her.

Your husband sounds like an obsessional creep and possibly a bit stalkery. Next time he says anything just laugh and say, ‘Haha, like she’d have you 🙄 Go and ask her because I’m done here’.

DatingDinosaur · 30/05/2024 08:00

And back to this question in your op -

"But I’m thinking should I be with someone where I’m basically a consolation prize to him. "

No. You shouldn't.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 08:02

Something else strange that he’s said in the past. He’s seen the odd photo of her on social media and he’s said something like ‘ oh she’s not looking that good in this pic’ and I’d think great. But then like a month later he’d say he bumped into her and she looks better in person, basically saying she looked good. I find this bizarre because in photos you can edit them too look better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 08:09

BananaLambo · 30/05/2024 07:56

She has tried to tell you he tried it on with her. Listen to her.

Your husband sounds like an obsessional creep and possibly a bit stalkery. Next time he says anything just laugh and say, ‘Haha, like she’d have you 🙄 Go and ask her because I’m done here’.

There was a night years ago when we were having a few drinks round their house in the evening. I think they were alone in the kitchen for maybe 5 minutes max talking. For the rest of the night she was completely off with him and wouldn’t even look him in the eye when he was talking to her when all together. I did mention this to him when we got home and he just said she was weird and that she was nicer to him when I wasn’t around, I.e if he bumped into her in the town etc.

OP posts:
vidflex · 30/05/2024 08:13

I've actually been the fancied woman in this situation!.

Knew a man since secondary school. He was friends with my brother. Bumped into him a few times as an adult and he was very normal with me. I moved away and he friends requested me. That's when he got flirty and told me I'd always been his crush. Cringe. Anyway I just laughed it off. Then last year I randomly got a message from his finance asking me if anything had ever happened between us!. She told me I'd caused a rift between him and his first wife as I kept being mentioned and she was convinced we had a fling. And the same was happening in her relationship with him. I was flabbergasted and screen shorted all messages, sent to her, blocked him.

What a weirdo!.

Op I can't imagine how it must feel to have someone who's supposed to love and respect you to treat you this way. It's cruel. My DH would never say anything to hurt me like this.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 08:48

vidflex · 30/05/2024 08:13

I've actually been the fancied woman in this situation!.

Knew a man since secondary school. He was friends with my brother. Bumped into him a few times as an adult and he was very normal with me. I moved away and he friends requested me. That's when he got flirty and told me I'd always been his crush. Cringe. Anyway I just laughed it off. Then last year I randomly got a message from his finance asking me if anything had ever happened between us!. She told me I'd caused a rift between him and his first wife as I kept being mentioned and she was convinced we had a fling. And the same was happening in her relationship with him. I was flabbergasted and screen shorted all messages, sent to her, blocked him.

What a weirdo!.

Op I can't imagine how it must feel to have someone who's supposed to love and respect you to treat you this way. It's cruel. My DH would never say anything to hurt me like this.

Well. My husband is a plumber, cliche’ I know. He’s done jobs round her house before which I’ve been fine with. This was more years ago before he would say as much about her. I asked a few years back if the messages between them were always just strictly about work, and he said 90 percent yes, 10 percent chit chat. I asked her once if she could show me the messages between them and she said she had deleted them because there was no point in keeping them anymore. Yet she had messages from people spanning back years still on her phone. I thought this was a bit weird at the time but never thought much of it. My husband always deletes his messages cuz he literally gets hundreds a month for work.

OP posts:
bibop · 30/05/2024 08:54

Are you sure they aren't having an affair already? Or have had?

bibop · 30/05/2024 08:55

I don't mean to be rude but your standards are so low. What has happened to you to make you accept this shit?

Does he give you the ick? He should.

Fizzib · 30/05/2024 08:57

The photo thing isn’t that weird in itself as in people can look better in real life. I can take a series of photos right now and some will make me look better and others worse. And she could have had (in his eyes) a more flattering hairstyle /outfit etc when he saw her in person the next time. What’s weird is him analysing this woman’s photo and actually vocalising it to you.

I asked her once if she could show me the messages between them and she said she had deleted them because there was no point in keeping them anymore

Why on earth are you asking to see this woman’s messages? Did you ask to see your husbands messages?

Women like you are an utter nightmare- to other women, while you let a man use you as a doormat.

It’s likely she has sensed the creepiness from your husbands texts, but doesn’t want to get involved in the drama so has deleted the messages.

I wouldn’t show you my messages! If you have an issue with your husband and you clearly do - you should take it up with him not monitor other women. Nearly every poster on this thread has told you it’s unacceptable and outrageous, so think about YOU are going to do about it .

If the answer is nothing fair enough, that’s on you - but don’t drag this woman into it. Even if she has been flirting back too - which I doubt - your husband is the one married to you and you should be dealing with him. She is just an acquaintance of yours not your friend - she should not be your focus.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 08:57

bibop · 30/05/2024 08:54

Are you sure they aren't having an affair already? Or have had?

I don’t think they are. She hasn’t come out and said it but I’ve taken snipets of what she’s said to me in the past that she doesn’t find him attractive. Maybe the idea that she cheats / has cheated is some kind of sick turn on for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 09:18

Fizzib · 30/05/2024 08:57

The photo thing isn’t that weird in itself as in people can look better in real life. I can take a series of photos right now and some will make me look better and others worse. And she could have had (in his eyes) a more flattering hairstyle /outfit etc when he saw her in person the next time. What’s weird is him analysing this woman’s photo and actually vocalising it to you.

I asked her once if she could show me the messages between them and she said she had deleted them because there was no point in keeping them anymore

Why on earth are you asking to see this woman’s messages? Did you ask to see your husbands messages?

Women like you are an utter nightmare- to other women, while you let a man use you as a doormat.

It’s likely she has sensed the creepiness from your husbands texts, but doesn’t want to get involved in the drama so has deleted the messages.

I wouldn’t show you my messages! If you have an issue with your husband and you clearly do - you should take it up with him not monitor other women. Nearly every poster on this thread has told you it’s unacceptable and outrageous, so think about YOU are going to do about it .

If the answer is nothing fair enough, that’s on you - but don’t drag this woman into it. Even if she has been flirting back too - which I doubt - your husband is the one married to you and you should be dealing with him. She is just an acquaintance of yours not your friend - she should not be your focus.

Edited

How I worded it was something like ‘ You should see how nicely he speaks to his customers compared to me. Do you have any of the messages he’s sent you before about work’? She just said no straight away, even though she told me before she never deletes messages from anyone.

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 30/05/2024 09:20

Delilahjane72 · 27/05/2024 19:21

Obviously I’ve been too soft over the years by not putting my foot down more. Has no one else had their husband / boyfriend make comments like this before about a friend / acquaintance?

Never. Because I'd ask him to stop and if he didn't I'd leave him / kick him out

Why would you think so little of yourself that you'd think his attitude is respectfuland loving ?

LaurenOlivier · 30/05/2024 09:27

I'm actually starting to feel really sorry for this poor woman. She's got the OP's husband on one side with his creepy, stalkery behaviour and the OP on the other side trying to make this man's behaviour her problem! And it's been going on for 12 years! I'd have called the police by now if I was her.

Both of you need to leave this woman alone OP. She is not the problem-you both are.

Hiddenvoice · 30/05/2024 09:30

I think you need to put yourself first and realise you don’t deserve this! Yes everyone, even people in happy committed relationships, can find others attractive but they don’t develop an obsession over them and they certainly don’t go on about it to their other half.

The things he says about her is sleazy and creepy but it’s also massively disrespectful to you and he doesn’t care that it upsets you. It’s been 12 years, can you continue another 12 years feeling second best?

If a woman asked to see my messages to her husband then I would also say no. You don’t need to see her messages, she isn’t the one whose married to you. If he sent her strange creepy messages then she may delete them as she won’t want her husband to see them. She also won’t want to be dragged into this.

Original poster
Delilahjane72 · 30/05/2024 09:43

I’ve got 3 friends who I would say are very attractive, 1 is actually a model ( part time ), and my husband doesn’t think they are attractive at all and says the other woman is miles out of their league. Says he can’t say exactly what it is, just ‘there’s something about her’ ‘ she’s very, very attractive’ and she’s ‘cute’.

We literally nearly broke up after those comments, but he apologized over and over and said he wouldn’t say anything about her again. He didn’t for months, but slowly it started up again. I don’t think he can help himself tbh.

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 30/05/2024 10:05

I don’t think he can help himself tbh

This has GOT to be a wind up thread? You can't believe this?